Saturday, December 30, 2006
Knock... Knock. "Who's there?" "It's the FBI and we're listening on all your phone calls, is that cool?"
Friday, December 29, 2006
My team is in a double game elimination showdown for awesomeness. Right now my team's awesomeness is just 4 points down. Next week will be the key. The title is up for grabs.
But I am going to win. I just know it.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
If you meet a Wangster and it's a 19 year old blonde girl. Trust me. She's as hard as she says she is.
Speaking of people who barely fuction I "hung" out with Jeramey and his friends the other night. Which means I stayed at home and his friends got high on the reefer in my garage. I didn't mind it that much since my stepmom and dad were visiting and I needed help entertaining them.
"I want to get a tattoo." She might have looked like the new Britney Spears, but she had been to Jail plenty. Enough that she wanted to get a tattoo that read "Fuck the Po-lice." Why?
"Because anytime you go to jail the cops ask if you have any tattoos."
You are probably thinking that a girl like that needs to get a good plan together for her life. But I've got to admire anyone who has that much of a hold on their lives.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
What I’ve got is a rare condition called didelphic uterus—two vaginas, two cervices, and two uteruses. I look completely normal from the outside, but there’s a septum inside where everything branches into two. My doctor says I’m one in a million.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
I don't have anything to lose anyway.
Like most other bloggers I am an unemployed sexual deviant who lives in his mother's basement. The closest I get to screwing a girl is fist fucking Rosie Palm after decorating her in my cousin's dirtiest Barbie doll outfits.
A number of those deviant basement bottom dwellers survive and prosper because they have developed a relationship with their readers. They call it a community in the blogger world. Even this tiny blog has a culture and small readership community.
And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I've always encouraged participation here and will continue to do so in the future.
And I have no problem with how most other blogging communities handle themselves either. I consider myself an admirer of Podcasts such as KATG and Ze Frank. They have an economic model they can pursue because of fan loyalty and community support.
I am just not too sure if bloggers understand their power yet. None of them had time to learn to deal with the ferocity of allegiance they can command, like say a Howard Stern has.
Recently on The Show with Ze Frank he suggested that members of his community adopt a myspace friend. All of his fans would bombard the "deserving" but nearly friendless victim. A prank. Funny and harmless really. I am sure the "victim" would be flattered by all the attention and revel in the amusement of being pranked by so many people at once.
But Ze does admonish his followers to beware of "looking like spam, whatever that is." So even a relatively harmless joke has the danger of misperception. And apparently some of Ze Frank's followers are in danger of changing into a tin can of salted meat.
I am astutely aware of how this weblog can appear to some people. I was recently tipped to an "inappropriate" posting I made on this blog which many people in a particular community felt went too far.
Maybe it did. I tend to cross the line to find out where I can next draw it.
I decided to review the post and I removed it. While I corrected the problem and that could have been the end of it, I think not. Why not take this oppurtunity to lecture others? It could be instructive if some of the "A" list bloggers and podcasters out there took the time to consider the direction and intent of their communities. They need to understand the responsibility that comes with reaching large audiences in the age of the internet.
Old school and mainstream media were founded on the ideal of the public good. They served the public interest and their existence was predicated on the belief that they actually served something more than the private interests that financed the publication.
Today's mass media serve only private tastes. It is formed in the uncensored unconscious mind. Private thoughts are no longer constrained within the minds or journals of their creators. Instead they are vomited on the anonymous Internet. Releasing the private unconscious over the the false anonymity of the internet only reinforces our unconscious impulses. We feel safe to create. But that privacy is an illusion.
How to know if your community has reached the Crisis of Mob Mentality:
- The creator of leader of the blogging community losses control of the direction or intention of the blogging citizens.
- Threats of violence
- Cyberstalking i.e. abusing or flaming individuals, harassment at work or in the non-digital world.
- Releasing of private information onto the internet.
Act before it takes place to encourage responsible behavior by setting a good example yourself. And take responsibility. It's the creator's job to make sure the community is policing itself through courtesy, not torches.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
"I got 2 more days before I go back in. I'll be going in for 7 to 9 months."
Where is my brother? He's in the bathroom cleaning off the 3 gallons of puke from his shirt. Before Cody and Jeramey walked in with their puke stained jeans and shirts I got excited because Jenny walked in the house alone.
"They put the dogs down because they tried to bite the cops when they came to arrest me."
"Well that makes sense." I reply.
- Perverted Justice.com
- Yahoo removing chat rooms for teens
- Non-stripper females in Gentlemen's clubs
- Dateline NBC
Thursday, December 14, 2006
I know I have been memed more times that you care to read. Like my ex-GF on myspace I will saturate your In-box till it is full of mindless crap.
But it is the only way I can keep track of who my ex-girlfriend is fucking, so I never complain directly to her about my inbox.
So I guess I wish you wouldn't complain to me directly either. Though I have noticed how my comments have dried up over the past few days with all "edgier" material.I miss your comments and meme requests. Somehow I convinced Kate that memes are not real science. But now I have a new friend. And while he couldn't come up with 6 weird things we didn't know about evil Vulcans, I expect he thinks I will have an easier time coming up with my list.
He's wrong. My entire blog career consists in pointing out weird things about me. I am not sure that I have 6 left. If I did have 6 more weird things they would be quite embarrassing for you to read.
1. Like I might be a stepsister fucker.
Let me explain. I was pre-teen. My step sister was a whore. And I always wondered if a finger could fit "in there."
2. I can't remember the last time I had sex.
Let me explain. After reading the first point you need further explanation? I was abused. And the "kicks" you get from finger banging relatives cannot compare to "kicks" one gets by getting laid the usual way. Date rape is a close second. But I have no idea how to get a hold of Rohypnol.
3. I caught my brother blowing his nose in the family's towels. Every day my mind drifts back to the horror of that moment.
4. I am a member of the Communist Party USA.
5. I love citizen band radio.
6. I pick my nose to much. But I read somewhere that it might be good for you. So suck on that, America.
I hereby MEME Foxxxylove, Jezebel, Knows it all,and the Real Salty Senorita . If I thought Utter wonder & Drunkenstepfather would then I would meme them too!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Make Me Famous, I'll make you famous. Then we can lie down in bed and rub money all over each other. I just hope your boy bits aren't bigger
And like my cousin says through a stream of urine "that's some warm ass piss in my mouth."
But that's not all she says. She also says things like "pornography is violence." I remind her that violence is hitting. And then I punch her in the face. Just to make sure she remembers. My cousin has a Ph.d in annoying normally, but she can shut the fuck up quickly when she needs to.
Not that it's not fun to listen to hear moan sometimes about men. How we're all rapists I mean. I wonder after my cousin says retarded things about men if she ever considers how men treat other men. Does she think it's with kid gloves? All Hooter's and strip clubs? Because I seem to recall men are not very nice to other men. Actually we're kinda bitches.
I don't want to be President of Harvard, but men and women often have a different take on things. What you call my objectification, I'll call Romance. Who's to say how I should conceive romance? I say don't be such a Notion Nazi.
This post isn't dedicated to you. Even if you think it is. So stop thinking this post is about you. It's about me, baby. It's always about me.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
At least that is how I will describe the Redneck boxing matches that took place today. My Pops decided he would rather go back to the Fifth Wheel than take a chance that our illegal boxing show couldn't get us arrested.
To the lady holding the Video Camera I can only say, "I don't wish to be You Tubed."
After editing out any of the clips that accidentaly get me in the shot, I will post said video.
That's right. I just said it. I will be posting redneck boxing matches that were held out in front of my home.
Somebody shoot me.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
No. That's gross.
ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
I have to pick one? How about being tagged again?
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? Hell yes. When I visited my Auntie Norma all she has on the TV was Christian Broadcasting. I honestly thought her TV was broke. So I spent all day with the Lego's or outside away from all that Christian Propaganda.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REALITY TV? Sucks for the most part. But most TV that is not Battle Star Galactica sucks.
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? Only when I am horny or near death. Or in prison for a weapon.
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? O hell yas.
IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? Sure. Chicks digg me.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? Black like my penis.
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? No. I bathe.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? Scared of heights mofo.
ANY SECRET TALENTS?I am uniquely known to posses zero talents whatsoever.
CAN YOU SWIM? I won't drown, but I am still not letting you on the lifeboat first.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? Yes. What is the big deal about this movie? Let me guess before this movie your favorite was the Green Mile.
DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE? Sure. I care more about getting laid though.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? I think a lot, I'll ask a hooker.
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? No.
DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER? Manual is always better.
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?I just don't understand it. But I agree with killing animals.
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? not for a while. After I get jailed for killing a lot of women, I will be found a great deal sexier by the finicky opposite sex.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, they might use it to profile me.
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? This question was written by BIG PHARM. This whole meme has no other purpose.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, I LOVE YOU? To my mommy.
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? They are so sad. Of course.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? Over easy. There is simply no other way.
ARE BLONDES DUMB? Women yea. Men only sometimes.
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? That's where Dark Matter comes from.
WHAT TIME IS IT.
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? Romius T.
IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING? Delicious cheeseburgers.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? Shower. I ain't gay.
IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?yes. And don't fuck with him or piss him off. He would molest you and kill your parents. Also he might be a cannibal.
DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?only if your kissin it.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? No, just the stuff I walk on.
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?coke a cola
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? Both I like old fashioned peanut btter too!
CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? That's wrong on every level.
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? Like I would tell you.
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? I'm not sure. define drug free? caffeine is a drug, no? I'm a coke ho.
ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?Not at all. I never sleep. Which is why I am a terrorist.
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?Awesome.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? Are you kidding?
ARE YOU PSYCHIC? Are you kidding. Any idiot who still believes in magic should be shot.
HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE? yep.
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? First chair violin in the 7th grade. Hell ya. Mad props to me.
HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY? What else do you call it?
CAN YOU SNOWBOARD? No.
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?I could. Can I kill any islolated campers while I am there?
DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH? Only when Bill cosby comedyy albums are playing.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? I just answered that question, but no. God is not real. There is no such thing as Karma. ETC. etc.
ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND? I fucking hate dogs !!!!
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? of course. I've had a starter marriage. big fan of divorce. everyone should give it a twirl at least once.
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? no, but I can do the earth walk.
DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?yes
IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?no
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?chicken wings.
DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?no.
HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW? 323 of Larry King's Laoatian Min-Wives.
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?I don't know.
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? wht? No amercrombie?
FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?anything by UFO
ARE YOU TAGGING?no
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
I am not suggesting that you have to replace your toy with any of my attached appendages. Though you probably guessed that last night when I jumped out of my seat shouting "What the fuck is that?" after you placed your foot on my crotch.
It's been a while. I am sorry I lost my head. You know it's been a while since I have encountered the the soothing touch of a female human.
I thought your foot was that little dog of yours that enjoys licking me so much. You know the one you trained by spreading peanut butter on your crotch.
Seriously, that dog likes people too much now. It's sorta creepy. From now on couldn't we just leave the dog locked up when I come over?
Friday, November 24, 2006
I know most of you may take issue with my misogyny. But I can't get through life without getting a little pissed off at someone.
I write a blog I've named for my Misanthropic rantings, so maybe you need to check it out yourself. Have you ever asked why you put up with my shit? I think it has to do with your "Daddy issues." I too wished Daddy hadn't snuck into your bedroom to get all that extra alone time with you. But he did. And worshiping me isn't about to solve that Electra Complex for you.
It's true. Lately I have been going after the vagina. Maybe if you could convince some of your hot friends to have the sex with me it would be OK.
It's not like I ever hit a woman square in the face. I am not a total dick. Though to be honest I am not much of a fighter.
You see I am only 5 foot 8. And for all you chicks out there who stand over 4 feet tall that means I am way too short for you. I read this shit all the time. Every god damn personal ad on Yahoo has chicks under 5 feet wanting a 6 foot tall guy for themselves. Why you gotta be greedy like that? What makes you think a shortie like you is entitled to a tall heaping pile of man meat 6 feet in length?
I have a second message for you gals. I'd like to see you all under 122 pounds. Any chick and I don't care how tall you are. Any chick over 122 pounds is fat. But guess what you'd think if I said that. You'd think I'm an asshole. But you can say short and bald guys suck and it's like no biggy.
Also you all want the guy to have a job. That is just code for "I may not want to work in the future." Which is cool. I hate work too. But just admit it and don't try and hide the fact that you want me to take care of you.
Daddy walked out on Mommy because of all that henpecking. Don't fuck up what's between us or the same will happen to you. Then who's gonna help you raise them kids? No one. That's who.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I've pretty much resigned myself to just entertaining the 4 readers that I have. Not to getting much more. I can't even get people who actually hang out with me to read my blog.
It's unfair really.
Like other serial killers and psychopaths I carry around an unquenched and overwhelming desire to be understood. I just want y'all to get to know me. I am alll gushy on the insides, so it's like all warm and stuff if you stick your fingers in. I am protective and snuggleriffic.
I know you guys get it. That's why you're here. Be careful out there though. I am worried about you. You are all so special. Unpredictable. Though I still think your lives are all worth saving. I'll fight for you. None of you guys are colateral damage to me. Even when you don't stick around.
90% of my viewers leave this blog quickly. So quickly on average they leave after only 18 seconds. I don't know how they can ascertain anything so fast. But I guess the human unconscious is a lot faster that I like it to be. First impressions are really something aren't they?
I just wanted to let you guys know that other that a certain cola drink I really don't have any reason to get up in the morning without you.
But with your wind beneath my wings or ...sails... I know I can go far. Like a friend of mine once said "tomorrow I might have enough energy to get drunk and play video games." You don't know what that would mean to me.
A feeling of accomplishment like that.
This post is dedicated to Peanuts and the great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. This post is actually dedicated to breaking down and losing the staring contest with your neighbors dog. It seems dogs really don't have much to do after all. They sorta live for events like this.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
When I get bogged down over at Bathos I rely on Hugo Chavez, celebrity stalking, corporate personhood, justice and ethical theory, and Larry King's mini-wives.
At RomiusTexis I just substitute the work inspired inspired angst and ennui that you have all come to expect, with obsessive reporting on robots, Big Brother, election fraud, general conspiracy theories, and strange news.
Speaking of which I just TIVO'd a documentary on the Human Quadrepeds. As you know I am your #1 source for quadruped info on the net.
I am so gonna have to live blog that recorded broadcast.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Meet Jeramey. Jeramey likes to steal my couch when I live blog for you. Jeramey is an enemy of Democracy.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Maybe my near total loss of faith in American Democracy isn't valid. MSNBC is projecting a huge "wave" for the democrats. I thought with all of Karl Rove's "just you see" smirks that he had fixed those Diebold's to go his way.
But then I heard rumors that the DemoCrats had gotten tuff and started in on the election fraud too. Maybe that's what got it for us.
Hardball's Chris Matthews needs to give Governor Dean a break about his position on Iraq. He knows that Dean is against the war. That doesn't mean that we can just "get up and leave."
I know Chris Matthews is spinning that he was always against the War in Iraq, but I know that ain't true.
Matthews should also avoid the word "Tsunami" I find that word to be on par with the "N" word. We're just not allowed to use that word anymore after Katrina. And those Indonesian disasters.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Saturday, November 04, 2006
"Some of the stores are even forming conga lines for the hot racks."
I have decided to Interrupt whatever narrative flow this blog may have in order to take advantage of some of Blogger's new advances.
I am going to post the 2 missing posts about my short grocery store career. That way if you click on the grocery store work blog label then you will get all the posts from both of my blogs together.
Sorry to interrupt all the alone time you've had lately with my light posting.
I am working in a bakery at a local grocery store.
I am gonna let you in on a little secret. Flies. The Flies. Big juicy southern Florida flies. Big enough to put on the grill.
A brief intro to the cast of characters:
Marci de sade-
Married with 4 kids. Her husband is 'well connected' within the AB. That's the Aryan Brotherhood to you and me. Her father has given her a Walmart card that he pays off. I tease her relentlessly regarding this. She has asked me if "I wanted to go shopping with it."
Key Talents:Cake decorator and perhaps the finest double barreled fly swatter I have ever seen.
Favorite quote:"Ever had an abscessed tooth? I have one."
About J. -
Female co-worker who worked as a penal officer in a maximum security prison.
Her only regret? When she had the chance to kill a prisoner, she only wounded him.
Key talent. Good with a shotgun.
Favorite Quote:"Can anyone do with out 10 dollars until Tuesday?"
Secretly rated Mike and the Mechanics "Nobody's Perfect" as a 4 Star song on his Yahoo Radio Player.
Using both charm and wit, convinces people the purple Pontiac Sunfire he often borrows from his mother doesn't make him gay. Took it upon himself to "once daily" check the cake freezer display and dump all the frozen flies from the cake lids. Has yet to be on time.
Likes-to throw boxes around and yell.
Dislikes-customers who only buy from the discount rack.
Favorite quote:"Ignore me."
Fun Facts about my former job:
No less than 3 dogs along the 4 mile walk route to work must be avoided in order to arrive safely. Two of the dogs are of "Marmadukian proportions."
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
If my name was Paolo Nutini I probably wouldn't write a song about how a new pair of shoes makes you feel "alright."
I know what you are gonna say that the King, "Elvis" Pressley wrote a song about wearing shoes and he wasn't gay. True. But Elvis wasn't about no "post-modernism either."
He wrote that in the margins of some Sparkle Hayter novel.
The king was always like that, scribbiling down important stuff on the top of Dominoes Pizza boxes while he was sitting on the John. The King just wouldn't "get" going to thrift stores to find your style.
But I am just sure I can hear Paolo Nutini's rebuttal:
Look man, I like shoes because it is like expressive. It's refreshing. You come home and change your socks throw some anti-fungus powder on your feet and it's like refreshing. Really ...really ..refreshing.
And at the end of the day this thing about the shoes, it's about Art. It is Art.I don't care how many times I have to have this conversation with you guys in the buisness.
You guys just don't get it.
Now go visit my Radio Station!
That our society moves closer and closer each day to a police state requires little speculation on my part.
You don't need to be Alex Jones to get caught up in the conspiracy hype.
Today I learned that George Bush has made it easier to declare Martial Law in the United States.
"The law also facilitates militarized police round-ups and detention of protesters, so called "illegal aliens," "potential terrorists" and other "undesirables" for detention in facilities already contracted for and under construction by Halliburton.
That's right. Under the cover of a trumped-up "immigration emergency" and the frenzied militarization of the southern border, detention camps are being constructed right under our noses, camps designed for anyone who resists the foreign and domestic agenda of the Bush administration. "
Sunday, October 29, 2006
I am sure to bump into plenty of hookers at the Gainsville Florida Greyhound Bus Depot, the best bus depot in the world.
Until then I am pretty bored and I will have to spend my time surfing the net and maturbating to the half naked women on the internet like you losers do.
That's why I read the Bastardly because I enjoy any blog that uses Jailbait as a category.
Like the bastardly I also tend to be snarky and gossipy, but I am comfortable with that fact. Any website that allows gossip to stay firmly and securely within the confines of my latent misogyny is fine with me.
It's simply sexist to insist that gossip should be reserved for women.
And just like the Bastardly, I can't get over how ugly, fat and manly the current "dance team" for the Boston Celtics is.
The Celtic Dance Team makes Kelly Clarckson's new hairdo look flattering. After all she is just fat with a bad wig, but it wouldn't take you looking under her hood to convince you she had a pussy.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
I want to thank the Drug Nazi for sending me all his traffic today.
I'd also like to take credit for the Drug Nazi becoming so popular.
Long before he began his resurgence, I was one of his first 3 readers. I think it was my encouragement and kind words that kept him writing.
And I am certain that the time I talked him out of substituting cyanide for those tylenol 3 pills kept our dear nazi out of jail. Though that would have made for a great blog.
I could just see the Drug Nazi complaining to the warden about how bad the living conditions were.
"We only get basic cable?"
Rest up old chum. I hear LSD was approved by Dick Cheney for use against unlawful combatants.
Now that I think about it, maybe you are in jail. Sweet.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Katie has Memed me.
- I am only answering this meme because it is easier than thinking of a post myself now that I am not working on this blog.
- This Blog is going on walkabout. I am taking this blog on the road. It will be called "On the road with Romius T." I will visit exciting cities like Gainesville, Florida.
- See you guys in Tempe Real Soon!!!
- I secretly hate being memed or tagged. I have had a disastrous relationship with memes. And even though I support Darwin and evolutionary theory, I think the concept of meme is as scientific as Forensic Science.
- Fried coke sounds like a good idea to me.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
"When you have a blog , and you're the Special Representative of the UN in Darfur, be careful about what you write. Jan Pronk's blog gives you a good idea in what a high level UN diplomat actually does, and how difficult it is to get anything done in a country torn by war. Oh, and check these photos out, if you just want the non-political goodness."
Saturday, October 21, 2006
I am not the kinda person who likes drama. I try to avoid drama in my personal life as much as possible. I go so far as to avoid watching TNT because I dislike drama that much.
That being just said, I think we all say that we dislike drama. So I don't think you should just take the word of people when they say something. Because there are facts in the world we can discover things. And sometimes those facts have a way with not corresponding to our expectations.
The other day I went to work and both my store manger and department were waiting for me. Turns out they "don't have enough work to justify the number in the bakery." But they did have the "numbers" to justify hiring a person at the meat department. So I was offered the choice unemployment/meat department.
"You're not gonna quit are you?" The bakery manger asks. She repeats the question three or four times before I can think about an answer.
"No, I am not going to quit." I finally decide. "I guess I will take the butcher position."
"Great." The store manager declares and then he inquires about my payscale.
"Oh. Well that's fine." It is? I am not sure you heard correctly then.
"You start tomorrow." He informs me.
My first day as the Butcher of Palmetto is my last.
Customer: "Can you rinse off the ice off my crabs?"
Me: (but to myself) "Are you fucking serious?"
The first and only lesson you need to know in regards to the etiquette of the butcher's block at your local grocery store.
- If you cannot afford to pay for the "ice" that sticks to your crab meat, you cannot afford to buy crab meat. Try frozen ground turkey. It comes in a at around $1.69 a pound. And I would be happy as fuck to rinse it the fuck off for you.
How I stopped working and started loving being a bakery team member.
You would think standing around in a 34 degree cooler with your hands in frozen chicken blood would be the bomb. But it's not all what it's cracked up to be.
First, I would like to remind you that chicken blood is basically fecal matter. By basically, I mean it would be cleaner for me to have the chicken squat over my face and take a shit in my mouth than it would for me to rub my eyes after working with this product.
I only make this point to indicate to you that it is impossible to work in the meat department and not get blood splashed in to your eyes. They should issue you one of those high school chemistry class goggles that only the nerds wore when they toss you your apron.
Second. I don't really have a second. Working with guts and intestines was not what I signed up for. I will not even mention that the meat department requires you to work.
"We are not even in our busy season yet." I was told by one of the very brave meat guys. We really need to have 2 or three times the number of guys working that we have.
The first and only rule you need to learn on how to make sure you frighten the staff on their first day of work.
- Tell newly hired staff members "how it's just a matter of time before they get a rash that starts near your fingers and ends at your shoulders." But "not to worry about it, you probably won't die."
Got a Job?
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I am listening to Keith and the Girl on my I-pod and washing dishes. The dishes are actually large metal trays covered with bits of baked on bread.
Baked-on dough does not come off easy. I have to let it soak for several hours and then take a scouring pad to it.
I apply myself to the task and begin with forceful elbowed jerks to the pans followed by splashes of hot water to rinse. The banging and rinsing of pots and pans in a sink located at the back of this bakery makes it a bit difficult for me to hear you calling for assistance sometimes.
"Excuse me!" "Excuse me!!" "Excuse ME!!!"
At first all I hear are the pans banging against stainless steal sinks, but soon it dawns on me that someone is yelling. Yelling. And I mean YELLING at me at the top of their lungs.
It is the screaming voice of a child no more than 6 years old. And if you have ever had the unfortunate experience of being a parent then you know the freakishly large lung capacity that human offspring have.
This little fucker is standing there and facing me with his hand on his hip muttering "it's about time" and asking me for his goddamn "free cookie."
I am not ashamed to tell you my reaction. At least the reaction in my head.
"You little fucker. I am gonna strangle you. I'll watch as your last breath leaves your body, then I am going to cut that lifeless body into bite sized portions I'll ingest in front of your sibling. I will then shit out your sibling with dysenteric force and compel your brother... that oh so willing accomplice, to eat your remains as shit."
But instead all I did was look around for his parents in the hopes that I could give them a look that says "Is that really necessary? Couldn't you learn that child some manners?"
But in my world even this small amount of satisfaction will not come. Instead I just meekly hand over the cookie failing to give the miniature tyrant his napkin. He views my restrained philanthropy with the native unimaginative curiosity of his age, operating only at Level 1 (Pre-Conventional) on Kolberg's Moral theory of development.
- Obedience and punishment orientation
- Self-interest orientation
Psychology 101 is not very helpful to me at this point in my life. I don't want tips to help me understand the ego-centric nature of childhood wants.
I only need tips on getting the balls up for killing the personification of those childhood wants.
I understand fully now how people crack. When interviewed the friends and family members of discovered serial killers always trot out the same hollow cliches. Like..."He had a job." "Seemed normal enough." "He seemed like a pretty smart guy."
Just smart enough to to be aware of my growing and total frustration with life. And my complete lack of ability to persuade hot chicks to fuck me. I was once asked, "What's it like to be you?"
Now you know. Imagine if you will a man with no discernible talents or skill who winces at even the slightest tug from inertia to defend his low rung beta-status.
"Poke that little fuckers eye out!" Shouted out my ghosts of evolutionary past. But I abstained. And because of that abstention I am ashamed. And too pathetic for words.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Couldn't I just google for a few 'grocery store blogs' and send them my massive traffic?
This Garrick knows way too many languages and is "made ill at ease" in grocery stores "by the artificial lighting, the monstrously huge red and green peppers, the giant, perfectly yellow Costa-Rican bananas."
I don't really know why he is afraid of large red bell peppers. They are the best kind. Also I tend to think we are a bit high up on the food chain to be concerned by something without teeth.
Any visit to the grocery store for Garrick becomes unsettling as he "wander(s) from vegetable to vegetable like a lost nomad, gazing with glazed eyes at the products of pesticides, herbicides, fungicides."
"I can spend thirty, forty-five, fifty-six minutes wandering the isles thinking of consumerist food bliss. Buying prepackaged this and precooked that," but "eerily, my societal musings don’t end here."
Getting eerily freaked out by ordinary things like grocery stores, leaves Garrick plenty of time for his Early Critical Theory ponderings on preferred shopper’s cards, RFID's, weird stickers, consumerism and just plain old Idenity Theory.
Good luck with all that thinking. Just remember, Garrick, too much thinking and the Terrorists win.
Monday, October 02, 2006
"Do you have an 99 cent Donuts?"
Asks Diabetic Amputee Girl.
Sure she has one leg already amputated, and yes the other one is grossly swollen. But as she likes to say "I needs my sweets!"
So now I have to ask myself "Do I have some kind of 'Moral' obligation to prevent said single amputee girl from actually becoming double amputee girl?"
Too late! Before I can get all "Kantian" on Diabetic Amputee Girl she powers up her scooter and races over to the reduced table and snags the last three bags of donuts.
"It's the only time I can afford them. When they are reduced and all!"
What sort of insulin doping junkie knows how to time her visit to 8 p.m., right after I break down the bakery bins? Nice.
From now on if you make the manager call "customer service to the bakery" when I am on the john taking a shit, you will be getting a very special chocolate chip cookie.
If you are gonna make me leave the washroom early just so your stupid little kid can get a chocolate chip cookie, you might wanna pretend to buy something from the bakery. Grocery stores are notorious for their sectarian infighting, so I could care less that that you will be buying 3 dollars worth of fish sticks.
And now more of:
ASK the Baker.
Q. "Dear Mr. Baker, what is the difference between French Bread and Italian Bread?"
A. You mean other than the label on the cardboard box of frozen dough in the freezer? Not a damn bit of difference. I think we charge more for the Italian. But when we run out of the French bread we just substitute the Italian for it. Don't worry you can't tell the difference and either can we.
You want a real answer? In theory Italian is supposed to be chewier, but I am not an Epicurean expert. I am trained only in the meticulous nuances of placing frozen dough on metallic trays. And you're just going to slather it up with butter and garlic spread anyway completely obliterating any taste difference if there was one to start with. So I have a question for you. Why do you care?
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
From the Booman Tribune:
"It looks like the new Rolling Stone due out tomorrow will have a doozy of an article by RFK, Jr. whick will look into whether the 2006 election can be hacked. Based on a few blurbs that were "sneak previewed" by Raw Story it looks like there is an even bigger story in that article - an admission by a Diebold consultant that machine software was altered in 5,000 machines in DeKalb and Fulton counties on the day of the election."
And just the fact that this happened should make you outraged.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
So please stop.
Are we running some sort of after school lunch program here?
It would be the only thing that would explain why the same two kids come into the bakery everyday asking for a cookie. Where are your parents? Go buy something. Do you really need that cookie everyday?
M&M insists she is Culturally Sensitive: Because we now a "Mexican Section" in the bakery. Which today consists of 5 packages of 'mini' corn muffins.
Why mini-corn muffins? I guess because M&M thinks Mexicans just love Corn Muffins. I can attest to the fact that the Ex (A Mexi-can not Mexi-can't) loved the Jiffy Corn Mix.
Today's Rosie Poem is dedicated to:
asks for discount
for Mom And Dad
Cause the tray with donuts has a fly in it,
Still she wants three
I give 'em to her for 50 cents
But after you do that
don't try and flirt it up
At the Hot Box
tellin' me you want to see me dance
You're so 40 something.
Monday, September 18, 2006
has no lock
So nothing can stop
an old homeless man
from walking in on me
and nothing can stop him from pissing
before I can leave
No sir, an apology is not good enough.
is a big fat Ignatious J. Reilly.
Who sticks his flashlight into our decorative pipes, looking for rust
Somehow he misses the flies.
The girl who might like me
and who quit working here
to make 7 dollars an hour elsewhere
returned to work here
because the other place had perv mangers
I once told her I had a large penis and often wear see through clothing
It's been two days
since I have needed an Aleve to get through the day
when my back hurts
I want to recruit 500 members for the Red Army
to go all Columbine
in America's malls
right before Christmas
and cost the Economy
2 trillions of dollars
i hope the fbi
does not read this blog