Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Minor Accomplishments of RomiusTexis.


I am listening to Keith and the Girl on my I-pod and washing dishes. The dishes are actually large metal trays covered with bits of baked on bread.

Baked-on dough does not come off easy. I have to let it soak for several hours and then take a scouring pad to it.

I apply myself to the task and begin with forceful elbowed jerks to the pans followed by splashes of hot water to rinse. The banging and rinsing of pots and pans in a sink located at the back of this bakery makes it a bit difficult for me to hear you calling for assistance sometimes.

"Excuse me!" "Excuse me!!" "Excuse ME!!!"

At first all I hear are the pans banging against stainless steal sinks, but soon it dawns on me that someone is yelling. Yelling. And I mean YELLING at me at the top of their lungs.

It is the screaming voice of a child no more than 6 years old. And if you have ever had the unfortunate experience of being a parent then you know the freakishly large lung capacity that human offspring have.

This little fucker is standing there and facing me with his hand on his hip muttering "it's about time" and asking me for his goddamn "free cookie."

I am not ashamed to tell you my reaction. At least the reaction in my head.

"You little fucker. I am gonna strangle you. I'll watch as your last breath leaves your body, then I am going to cut that lifeless body into bite sized portions I'll ingest in front of your sibling. I will then shit out your sibling with dysenteric force and compel your brother... that oh so willing accomplice, to eat your remains as shit."

But instead all I did was look around for his parents in the hopes that I could give them a look that says "Is that really necessary? Couldn't you learn that child some manners?"

But in my world even this small amount of satisfaction will not come. Instead I just meekly hand over the cookie failing to give the miniature tyrant his napkin. He views my restrained philanthropy with the native unimaginative curiosity of his age, operating only at Level 1 (Pre-Conventional) on Kolberg's Moral theory of development.

  1. Obedience and punishment orientation
  2. Self-interest orientation

Psychology 101 is not very helpful to me at this point in my life. I don't want tips to help me understand the ego-centric nature of childhood wants.

I only need tips on getting the balls up for killing the personification of those childhood wants.

I understand fully now how people crack. When interviewed the friends and family members of discovered serial killers always trot out the same hollow cliches. Like..."He had a job." "Seemed normal enough." "He seemed like a pretty smart guy."

Just smart enough to to be aware of my growing and total frustration with life. And my complete lack of ability to persuade hot chicks to fuck me. I was once asked, "What's it like to be you?"

Now you know. Imagine if you will a man with no discernible talents or skill who winces at even the slightest tug from inertia to defend his low rung beta-status.

"Poke that little fuckers eye out!" Shouted out my ghosts of evolutionary past. But I abstained. And because of that abstention I am ashamed. And too pathetic for words.

4 comments:

Knows It All said...

All serial killers start somewhere. I'm sure some of them once suppressed similar desires.

romiustexis said...

I am alwawys being accused by females of being a serial killer.

Only weirder thing was my ex wife thought i could be one.

Who actually marries an ax murderer?

Jezebelsriot said...

Awww, Romius, this is just awful. You didn't necessarily have to strangle him to death. You should have just knocked him down and when he started bawling, went "Whoops, sorry you little fucker."

This is why I won't have kids. I'm afraid mine would act like that and I would be powerless to stop it- powerless or too fucked up. I can't even make my cat behave. She starts bawling for canned food and I jump up to get it. She climbs into bed and I scoot over so she has room. Now imagine my spoiled rotten, entitled little brat.

Romius T. said...

I am rally trying to become a serial killer.