Saturday, November 15, 2014
And I'm like, "Wait didn't you doctors try that shit in Alabama once?"
And he was like, "No, that was with black people."
Friday, November 14, 2014
Wait. Blood. Ancient times. Blood carries disease. For instance Ebola. These ancient rules really might work. I guess some genius really did write that book after all. Stock on menstruation pads and and pluggers gentlemen. You're lady folk might be trying to kill you.
Do not. I repeat DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HANDLE YOUR WOMAN"S BLOODY EBOLA MAN KILLING REMINDER THAT YOU DIDN'T PRODUCE ME AN HEIR TWAT STUFFER!!!!!
romius t aka the cancer boy
Thursday, November 13, 2014
This just might be today's chemotherapy talking, but in my head I've been that funny all day.
I didn't have anyone to talk to today, so I have been amusing myself. I should record my inner monologue, because it's that dang funny. Like seriously funny. I am thinking CBS sitcom funny. I could get a way too hot wife, and take her out to the movies, and take her out to the grocery store, and I would just riff on all the stuff that comes to mind, even though she gets SUPER embarrassed by me and begs me not to, I totally ignore her and she just grins and bears it and that's how you make awesome sitcoms and run on sentences.*
*See what I did there?
Clever. And more clever is what we need in this world. And dammit I feel like I really stepped it up today, and the only the only person who got to share in that glory is me! But when ya think about it, that's okay. Because very few things amuse me. None of you dudes are very funny, or insightful, or moving me to tears.
Sure, there are the classics, I could be reading Marx. I not saying I haven't finished Capital, but I am more of a Western styled Neo-Marxist who appreciates the Early Marx* and not the antiquated economics (of which let's face it with it's 8th grade Algebra is really out of my reach/hardly my fault as my 8th grade Algebra teacher had enormous fake boobies and wore tons of make up.)
I don't have an ending for today's post. But you can expect me to write a bit more for a bit longer. At least I didn't use BYTE for Bit...
*For the nerds this does NOT mean that I agree with Althussuer's infamous epistemological break. For a more complete description of my views of Marx see my The Karl Marx Blog.
1. insert canned laughter
Friday, September 12, 2014
The creator of this fine blog has met with bad news. I have a blood clot. Fluid in my lungs and heart. They've also found a large mass in my lungs.
This don't sound like a program for long life expectancy.
I'll try and keep you informed if any regular blog readers care.
Friday, August 15, 2014
The end is near.
And it's much closer than we expect. I will die alone. In poverty and pain. My last meal will be a cold bologna sandwich eaten over the sink. I will wash down 6 Tylenol with a glass of half sugared Kool-Aid.
But something will happen this time. My liver won't make the correct enzymes, or will it simply implode from overuse. I will choke and stutter. The glass will fall and shatter from my hand. The orange drink will run down the badly stained tile. My head will reverberate several times from the awful impact.
My last vision will be a cockroach running out from behind the dishwasher towards me, his eyes smiling and triumphant!
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Memoirs from the short fat bald white guy who sits next to you on the bus who wants to get your attetion, but quickly averts his eyes when yours meet
Maybe I could wish death upon a lesser relative like an unknown aunt or uncle. They could die just like in that Twilight Zone episode where you would be given a million dollars if you would agree to push a button that would kill a person you did not know.
The kicker being soon after you decided to push the button a man in a suit would come knocking on your front door asking for the button back. "So where is it going?" You would ask. "Oh, don't worry..." He'd answer in his best spooky voice. "We're gonna give it to someone you don't know."
So while I'd like a million dollars and the ease of an artificially created pathos, I guess I don't have the stomach for random murder "Twilight Zone" style even hypothetically.
I am not your father's Archie Bunker.
Whatever happened to fat, middle-aged, short, bald white guys being cool? And by cool I don't mean hipster. I know what "hipster" means even without having read a Reader's Digest in the last 25 years.
What's it take to maintain the interest of females these days? Don't you get me? Maybe we can just be friends? I know you like to hang out with cool, funny guys. We can sit around and berate your boyfriend's "made up on the spot" excuses for why he banged your sister.
We can sit next to each other on the couch and you can lean into me with an insincere intimacy. And in a moment of frustrated arousal I will grab for your boob. And you can be like "That's like totally gross! That 'totally' tries to change our relationship. I don't know if I can think of you the same anymore."
But I suppose you feel the way you've always felt about fatty (200lbs), middle-aged (34), short (Hey Doug Flutie is 5 '9 too!), bald(ing) white (so-not so tanned) guys.
Ssecretly you pine for us. You want to get down and dirty, nasty like with us. You have a fetish for sex with disgusting guys. I read about it in Maxim, or maybe it was Oprah's magazine? Either way that's pretty messed up. But most likely you'll just hold "it" all in, all your perversions and go on ignoring me like the rest of humanity does.
Go ahead. Try to ignore me. You can avert your eyes ... sigh and "put up" with me when I try to be cool. You can go make fun of me with the rest of the cute waitresses in the back of the restaurant.
But I will warn you and the rest of the nation, ignore me at your own peril. The meek Sunday morning pancake eating NFL watching white guy next to you at the sports bar is a shaken aluminum soda can full of rage. I just dare your ass to pop my top. I 'll spray all over you in a sugary coated syrupy mess. I'll get in your eyes and sting bitch.
You don't want to fuck with me. I can walk into a McDonald's and shoot up a room, then order a dozen chicken McNuggets to go. Who do you think does all the stalking? Who picks up all the little girls in unmarked vans and drives them out to the middle of nowhere? Single white males who get no attention that's who. So maybe it's time to start paying a little more attention to me-that's all I am saying.
You think Caucasians can't have pathos? Or maybe you're just looking for a little more ethnic in your gravitos? Why do you think only the ghetto makes you crazy? Try the suburbs baby. I want my props! Who do you think buys up all that Gansta Rap and Death Metal? Young white suburban males. We've been killing our species since Cro-Magnon met Neanderthals.Kudos to me for the longest fucking title of my bloggin career.
2 ....the number of women who have pleasured themselves to my writing. And you know who you are. Quit asking yourself "Will he fuck me?" Of course I will. Line up my bitches, you can get all three inches of my thunder.
Please pardon the cum stained pages from my journal this entry has come from. I have no idea how they got there. Let me repeat that, "I have no idea how they got there. I mean I am pretty sure they may have come from me walking around dripping looking for a towel after masturbating.
Had I noticed the cum stains I assure I would have cleaned them up. I certainly wouldn't have allowed them to sit around for several days. That would make running over the crusted up surfaces difficult witha pen. I'd like to think that I treat my pen with a bit more dignity than that.
Do y'all remember the movie "Revenge of the Nerds III?" Do you remember it's stunning and mournful theme song? Of course you don't. It was a shitty third tier Made-for-TV movie from USA Cable Networks "The Denny's of late night TV programming."
I think their slogan was "It's late, your up--we're on, so quit your fucking complaining. Plus we've got super special guest star "Booger" returning, and he doesn't exactly get paid scale these days."
Sunday, February 09, 2014
I need more friends that drink. Drinking with friends gives me the peace of mind you get when you're alone.
I take a walk. I hope a walk would clear my head. I walk toward my neighborhood bar and watch as the Sun beams it's last friendly smile down at me. Feel the cool winter breeze on my skin. I walk alone because I like feeling the insular protection of my singlehood.
If I am going to drink at a bar tonight I'll have to walk to another bar. The next closest bar is a few minutes away along a dying former interstate. The smell of exhaust fumes is thick along my walk. I see cockroaches, but none scurry away from me. They own these streets. The roaches are bigger than mice. I keep my head down most of the way so I can keep track of them. I don't like to step on them.
Friday, January 17, 2014
I'm sorry about that fat lesbian crack. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. In fact most of my girlfriends have been fat lesbians, so I think I've learned a few things about them.
Like I know there are many different categories of Lesbians.
First there are the masculine Boy-lesbians. Boy lesbians look a lot like post-pubescent boys. They have short spiky hair, they wear boxer shorts and hang their pants off their ass like gangsters do. Boy lesbians scare the shit out of me. Boy-lesbians are militant feminists. And even though they are anti-penis they love penetration. Sometimes a boy-lesbian tries to pass herself off as a guy. Don't worry too much guys, boy-lesbians don't want to physically transform into a man, because being a boy-lesbian is way more fun. The just want to "try on" being a man. You know.. like finding out what it's like to pay for dinner and shit. Boy-Lesbians [aka aggressives] love to hook up with lipstick lesbians.
Lipstick lez's aren't even lesbians, they are just tired of guys getting "off " before they finish their orgasms. Watch out for a Lipstick lesbians. They will blame you for all their sexual problems. I know a lot of lipstick gals who've never used a vibrator or explored their pussies with a mirror or even watched an entire episode of Rosanne. How do they expect to achieve orgasm with some one else when they can't even give one to themselves?
You've heard advice that women should "discover their bodies through the use of dildos." Sound advice unless taken too far and that's usually what happens to the lipstick kind of lesbian. She discovers her clit and then goes to town. Eventually she can only get off using a vibrator and so she's ruined herself for normal dick. Fuck no! I am not mutilating my dick by attaching metal rods sideways into my dick just because your shit is so stretched out from giant black dildos and numb from that pocket rocket electrocution that you can't feel my three inches of thunder!
If you aren't a lipstick vag or boy lesbian then you are probably on of those fat lesbians. Too the fatties reading this and getting pissed off at me, don't. I know you aren't the kind of fat lesbian that turned her vagina away from dick, because the guys don't like you. You're fat. But not ugly. If you had a six pack of beer, a copy of Planet of the Apes for us to watch, and could stomach laughing at my jokes for an hour, you could get laid by me.
Then there is the reluctant lesbian, or the lesbian who just had too much religon mixed in her mommie's baby sack. Reluctant lesbians know that lovin' a chick is wrong and will get them to hell. But they have such overgrown clits that every time a hot chick walks by they get a boner like I did in 6th grade swim class. I remember how I forgot my swim trunks that day and had to borrow a pair of green see-through speedos that the school supplied for the idiots who forgot their trunks. All those cute girls walked past me and I checked out their stiff nipples and got a boner. Only nobody knew I had one because I hadn't hit puberty yet, so my little wiener was more a like a Vienna Sausage than a life-sized cock.
I have no idea if that's why I developed that fetish for naked male /clothed female porn, or if the Vienna sausage thing got me excited about Sigmund Freud, and he made me want to be a psychologist until I figured out that would require a lot of work, and I was a lot more interested in jacking off than reading books and doing homework.
(I can teach you a thing or two about fat chicks. Even Though you may hate fat chicks.)
Because you are not the kinda fat chick who's pussy stinks, you may not know a lot about stinky pussy. First point of fact. If you are fat chick and if you think you have never had a stinky pussy, then I have some seriously fucked up news for you. Your pussy stinks. Your pussy always stinks and it's stinking right now. Do me a favor. Sneak a peak down there. Ok, now go smell that finger. I hope we got clear on this, Captain Tuna! You get my point.
The best thing about fat chicks is they have cleavage. And the best thing about cleavage is it look a lot like ass, only tits and cleavage don't drip shit out accidentally. The scary thing about fat tits on chicks is sometimes those chicks don't really have big tits. I mean sometimes it looks like they got a big rack. But sometimes those tits will turn out to just be a big fold. Some fat chicks have a skinny girl's small tit genes and just love to eat. And some fat chicks just have the random bad luck to have small tits and a giant frame. I've paid money for freak shows, but I always ask for my money back it they show me into a room full of fat chicks with tiny tits.
Some things are just too freaky, even for T.
p.s. funny thing is I wrote all this shit before I watched the documentary "aggressives." I just watched the documentary because I downloaded it for free from the public library.
p.s.s. I prefer the term I invented for aggressives, boy-lesbians. Don't you? Here's the YouTube.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Whisper is a new social media web application that allows you to write out your secrets anonymously.
I have visited the website and Android application a few hundred times since Christmas. You might better categorize my obsession with the app by understanding that I have spent a few hundred hours on it. I have developed numerous friendships. Most of the friendships do not last more than a few moments. But those experiences have taught me something that I never learned in my Social Psychology classes. Nor in all my time of reading Philosophy, Ethics or Morality.
I have learned about connection. I have learned of my need for connectivity. I have discovered that I can connect with any human at anytime even when that connection lasts only for seconds or moments and I have discovered that the connection can have consequence. It can have lasting impact on me and my faith and my humanity and it can teach me that I no longer need to worry about run on sentences or my use of commas because the common man and the common women does not need commas and the common folk have theyre own way of talking and WH0 ARE WE TO JUDGE>???
I don't know those folk, nor do you. These are not the folk that sit around posting cat pictures and debating the merits of TOS and Deep SPace 9 ( a terrible series that never included cats to my knowledge.)
I learned other things these past days.
I learned my roommate doesn't feel the need to discuss his failure to make rent. But he can smoke pot, and have sex with a woman and all I will do is post 7 second snap-chats to anonymous strangers I find on Whisper jerking off to frothy vaginas that synchronously show up in my Inbox.
There. I said it. A woman's vagina is a box.
Trapping me here in this space and time. Squeezing the lumps in my nuts, like the growing tumor pressed against my thigh, or gushing over me like the squishy knee that props me up limp like, my exposed gut creeping forward and hanging on the conveyor belt of grocery store life that I call exisitence.
What I learned from Whispers you cannot unlearn There is a new level of social organization.
Do not visit the Whispers if you cannot handle this new level of intimacy/privacy/anonymity/fame
There is nothing to see there.
Sunday, September 08, 2013
There was a surprise in her eyes, a look in them that hinted that something was up.
"I wanted to see you." I said. "That's all."
I liked the way the water bounced off her head and splashed onto the ceiling. Sticking there in contraveance to the laws of gravity. Maybe something Spock could have explained.
"I wanna see you naked." I explained. I stared directly at her face. But my thoughts fondled her body.
She laughed, but it was forced. "You've seen me naked before."
"I know." I agreed. She didn't understand. But that was okay.
"But I wanted to see you."
I could have winked at her, or smiled and made things better. Made us both forget everything. But for some reason I couldn't do that. Whatever depth of sympathy or empathy that I normally can summon when I need to wasn't there.
I didn't care if it made her uncomfortable for me to watch her rub soap on her tits. I made sure that my look conveyed exactly what I wanted it to. I was going to look at you naked. Get over it. You're mine. I get to look at you naked.
Let the water run down the drain. Let me stand here awkwardly leaning into the shower with the curtain pushed aside. Watch the water whirlpool away. See your lips tremble just a bit. See you scrub your scalp with a vengeance.
See you thinking thoughts. Why don't I go away? Why do I keep looking at you? What do I know?
I know everything. What do you think? You think things get past me? I'm not 18. I'm not that stupid little boy anymore. Nothing gets past me.
"I'm going to whistle while I work!" I said that to her. Then I smiled at her. So that she'd know there was something wrong.
Gives me the sleep disorder look. That's why she was always awake. 12:30, 3:30, 4:45. No matter what time I woke at night. Sometimes she just stared over at me like a mannequin. Other times she accuse me, "What!" She'd demand.
"Nothing." I'd say. "I was just wondering if you were awake."
"Of course I'm awake. What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?"
Back then I would mumble something like, "Yelling at me." And roll over and pretend to sleep. I could feel the heat coming out of her eyes as they burned their way into my subconscious.
I suppose I should have reached back and slapped her. Gone all Alpha Male. She always responded to that kind of shit. But that would have just gotten me angrier. The fact that she wanted me to dominate her did not make me want to dominate her more. It made me lose all respect for her. It made me feel no remorse. It made me think of her as sub-human.
A pussy-ass Alpha Male needs to dominate as much as a sub-human needs to be dominated. But that kind of thinking is Pre-Nietzsche. You should really be BEYOND all that.
but fuck that
She really never was my equal. Not even in my beta days. When I couldn't get pussy to save the world. When the acne butchered my face and vomited acid. I still have the scars. But I won't dwell there.
I shut the curtain and began to shave. My sudden movement caught her off guard because I heard a soft thud which sounded like the conditioner bottle fell and was cushioned by landing on her foot. She let out a soft curse which made me laugh.
That's the ticket my dear. I'm the asshole. And this is all my fault. You never led me on. You never fucked me over. You aren't the biggest slut in slutland@slutopia fucking dildos and storing the cream cheese that excretes from your vagina in the back trunks of Stutevilles just waiting for that shit to turn into something you can sell to the willing Mexican boys to suck down stuffed inside jalapenos.
Not FUCKING you. Let's get that shit straight. Shall we?
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
But the Government isn't likely to take that path. It's not going to see innocence where there is ambiguity.
I had a Gentleman come into the store today. He asked me for a package of Postage Stamps.
I am usually addressed in this manner. Not: "Hello, Fine, Sir!"
No. Usually I am addressed from behind. The person will not be in my line. They will be six feet away. They will be screaming in monosyllabic format.
STAMPS STAMPS STAMPS
I like to pretend that I don't understand what I am being told when I am spoken to in this manner.
"Stamps?" I ask. Then I shuffle a bemused look at the fellow. I cock my head to the side. I look at them earnestly. I allow a slight deepening to set into my eyes.
"Would you like to purchase some STAMPS?"
The fellow bounded over to me, covering the six feet between us in a mear nanosecond. He told me that he needed stamps because he had to send out for his passport.
"I sent them my last passport in a plastic bag, because it was covered in cat piss."
"But the STATE DEPARTMENT didn't understand why I needed a new passport--EVEN THOUGH my last passport was covered in CAT PISS."
"So I wrote them a five page letter discussing how in my latest trip to Africa I decided to become a Cougar. And when one becomes a cougar, one leaves all the 2 legged things of the world behind. To gain initiation in to the four legged world ONE NEEDS to have the COUGARS piss all over ALL OF YOUR STUFF and ALL OF YOUR STUFF includes my PASSPORT."
I give him the book of stamps, I think a book of stamps is exactly what the doctor has ordered.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
It's Memorial Day, which means that you get another day of freedom without having to actually do anything to defend it.
It's okay. All those poor people and minorities, and white trash you love to make fun of for loving they country will be out there risking they lives & you can just go back to eating grilled salmon.
You can't even eat hamburgers on this American holiday you fucking jerk.
Not like me. I eat hamburgers every day, because I love my country. Even if one day you see me on the news getting accused of blowing shit up. We both know you guys had it coming, and everything I do is for the good of society in the long term.
It's tuff being a hero that's misunderestimated, but that's my lot, and I'm not one to to dwell on the inevitable.
I think it's time to get started. To start the heavy lifting. But we will see. We will see.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Here's what we know.
We must be the one's in charge. The government doesn't have sole legitimacy to use force. Maybe we should all be learning to build bombs.
Those crazy Russian Muslims understand one thing correctly, we live in a decadent society. Some days the only reason I get off the toilet and stop playing with Mr. Tablet and cell phone is that I feel like eating double cheese burgers from Whataburger!
Somebody should pay for that!
MOSTLY I think it should be college aged girls who don't seem to want to give me the time of day.
I can't understand why. I'm down to 206 lbs. Sure, I got out of breath just typing this. But I'm doing what I can. Like today, I just cashed in my aluminum cans. Made $8! I could totally take a young lady to share a fast food meal with me. And after giving me the hymlic we could watch Netflix, if she's got her parents password, and her brother's done streaming Extreme Coupon shows.
So buck up Americans! It's not all bad outside. Buy some nitrous, order a few fireworks. Get political. Spread the fire. And get me laid.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
the salts go on my feet and absorb into the cavities, pressing inside me
much like our shared dignity on this planet
you can shake your leg, and stare at the red plastic tumbler and take advice from the high and mighty. everything is self-created. therefore we have only a subjective corner to cry in.
>b/sorta chubby, but not too fat
get into argument over meaning of life
>sound like schizoid.
get told to create meaning
go ahead she says, "it's easy once you stop taking the easy way out."
decide to tug on toenail instead
watch puss drip out
think about making sausage for breakfast
b 3:20 in the pm
make sausage and eggs in tortilla with cheese
Saturday, February 23, 2013
So, I finally went the doctor on Friday. Showed them my toe. Doctor flips out. Why did you do this to yourself? Did you not have insurance?
"Oh my god! Oh, my god!" He stammered while crunching down on to the floor for a better look.
"We'll need an MRI, X-ray, start him on Bactrim!"
All the nurses just sat there while he waited for my excuse, why did I do this?
I told him I was afraid of doctors. Truth is, three years ago I had no insurance, didn't think I could afford it. Not sure I can now. Then the whole thing just got embarrassing. I knew I'd get the reaction I got. What's a man to do?
I'll need six weeks of intravenous antibiotics if I have a bone infection or I could lose the toe. Almost would prefer being toeless after reading about intravenous antibiotics and the possibilty of going septic. That shit is truly scary. My MRI is scheduled on Friday, but the X-rays didn't look good.
About to take the first antibiotics, we all know how much I hate them. My stomach and bowels are already giving me such trouble. This will only make things worse. Hopefully, we find out that there is no bone infection, but three years of waiting? Impossible I'd say. There will be an infection, I never get truly lucky.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
not that most of you care about suffering. at least people suffering. you are more likely to cry your hearts out at a sad puppy dying story, than to give a moments thought to your fellow man.
let me explain another way that even your emotionally defunct brain can recognize. what's sadder a baby dying or a german sheppard? what if the baby accidentally pulls a string that drops an anvil onto the baby who then crushes the puppy. who do you cry for? the puppy, right?
that's the definition of mental illness.
buy i digress.
i got up late today. so i took a three minute shower. a three minute shower consists of shampooing you hair and washing most of your body parts with one of those pink wire sponges that have replaced washcloths. i wonder whatever happened to the washcloth makers, did they get jobs in factories where they make wire brushes? or did they have too much disdain for wire sponge makers, secretly knowing that their product, while overlooked now by the market, was truly the better material and body cleaner. my secret hope is they walked out on those evil wire sponge makers and left the city to form some kind of commune where people drink unpasteurized milk and used cotton to bathe themselves.
work was uneventful, save for an argument between my ex-internet gf and a female friend from work. it got ugly at one point with erin shouting that she didn't give a fuck what tarri said, "that we are talkin and tell her to shut the fuck up."
erin likes to talk like she's a gangster but she reminds me of the actress Jamie Lynn Sigler's character from men with kids, a tv show that may be on the air for a decade, so we really ought to just come to terms with it. I mean tempest bledsoe is proving she can be a comedic actress, and the catchy theme song, and cushy timeslot mean we have plenty of time to really get in to the meat of the characters of this show.
after work i took the new roommate to the local comic store where we saw groups of nerds playing some updated game of dungeons and dragons. the group included a few of those nerdy girls that suddenly pretend to be into looting and dragon slaying and coming up with ways to get out of predicaments like, "did anyone try shooting the horse?" which just seems plain mean to me and i don't even like animals.
all these girls get jobs at the renascence fair. most of em have the acting bug. many of them don't take showers. but i would have loved them in my teen years when women wouldn't look at me. not that they do now, unless it is to cry in fear of my massive ghetto booty.
the girls at the ice cream parlor we visited after where sure looking lecherously at me, i bet it's not often a middle aged man in an aging volvo drives up in the rain with one working windshield wiper while a 22 year old girl gets out and pays for his double large oreo blaster ice cream with the waffle bowl. those girls were super jealous and jesse the roommate was furious her extra large scoop of ice cream was half the size of mine. jesse was on her period and if she wasn't bullied by the idea of getting on birth control and leaving her period and condoms stuck to the tile floor of the restroom then we'd have had a throw down.
now i'm back home. second half of a valium and two beers later i'll be going to sleep soon. i won't be dreaming of you. but then again, maybe i will. or maybe that's just half crazy sauce.
friday is the day i go to the doctor, get my poison toenail removed, maybe even the gangrene if it hasn't set in too much. i might just keep ya posted. seems like i have maybe attracted a few new readers. the light at the tunnel is always there. just worry it's a train and gonna kill me. but even then, put's me out of my misery.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Scary thing is I am having flashbacks again. I think my anxiety is back. Something fierce today. Feel like a cat chasing it's tail. My brain feels fuzzy again. I'm getting all those old feelings and I am not sure why.
I have abstained from synthetic marijuana for at least a couple of weeks. I'm not sure how long. But I do sometimes long for a re-dose It makes jerking off so much fun, you sometimes forget all the side effects. But I am staying strong. Today has taught me that I better stay away from that shit.
I'm even considering giving up beer. Going totally clean. I think my diabetes is raging full. Also, I am losing all the hair on my legs and this is concerning me. I am going to the doctor Friday I can't handle all the anxiety again. My feet and toes are numb. And I think I have psoriasis. I think that is what is causing the hair loss, either that or the diabetes is causing my skin to toughen and redden.
My infected toe still is infected. I think it's been three years. I'm going to the doctor on Friday. I will get it looked at, and this means antibiotics, which scare the shit out of me. One of my phobias now. But the toe needs to get healed. I am worried about necrosis. I know I let that go too long. Once I get it fixed (I hope it can get fixed!) then maybe we can find out why my hair is falling out, and why what that swelling in my knee is.
My leg is giving me pain, I just hope it all has to do with how my body has to compensate for how I walk with the ingrown toe nail, and once that is gone then I will get back to normal. But who knows?
Seizure like symptoms in my head. Chest pains, and the startle reflex is back. I can't wear socks because my feet are swelling. It must be the beer. Got to cut out all the carbs, gotta stop drinking every night. I'm going to stop drinking all together for awhile.
Of course that don't fix everything. I still ain't got much reason for living. Still I just need the dread to go away. Need to stop giving me self something to worry about.
I took a Vicodin. 7.5 mg. Just to ease the anxiety not for any fun. A few weeks back I took two tens and threw up and got so sick that I swore off pain pills for life. And if the anxiety wasn't so bad today I wouldn't have taken this pill. But it has helped a bit, though not enough.
Writing here may help a little, distract me. Even though I am only writing about the anxiety. We'll see I guess.
What I don't understand is why it's all back. No weed, no spice, no MDMA, no pills. Then today BAM. I mean the symptoms had begun to appear a little earlier. The creep crawls in the brain, AKA the brain zaps. Feels like I am detoxing from Effexor or E. But no, just Spice. I wonder why the two are connected in my brain? I wonder when all this will ever stop. Why can't I just be normal again?
That seems like it may be too much to ask, though I thought I was getting better. The first week or so after I stopped the spice I felt improvement. Now I feel like shit. Not to mention i have hay fever, and that flu that's been going around. Got it twice.
i'm itchy now. that's the vike. feeling a bit less anxious. but still way too nervous. way too worried. sure hope i go the doctor. thought about it earlier today. started to cry, so shameful, so embarrassing. sure hope i can afford to go. i hope it don't cost a thousand dollars or more. if i need surgery it will, maybe i will just get antibiotics and then the y peel off the toenail. might not even be a big charge for that. won't i feel foolish again? could have walked normal 3 years ago, gone swimming, hiked, worked out...RUN. I could run, play basketball.
we'll see. we'll see. dry mouth, just watched the walking dead. proof that you can still watch tv without messing with your phone for one hour still. if you want:
maybe the alcohol is fucking up my arteries, hardening them and shit, maybe that's why i ain't getting any blood flow. saw something on reddit about a guy who drank too much and the necrosis that set in. scared the jesus in me, i'm gonna stop drinking.
what's left to live for then?
not too sure. beer is keeping me sane. keeping me in the game. maybe i can start reading again. who knows? just read a book. one at a time. not a million links on the internet. put my attention and affection into one thing.
or maybe i just need a woman? haha what a laugh that is!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
I'm not sure how I am still alive. God works in mysterious ways. He must be setting me up for something big. I guess that's why he's got me smoking artificial marijuana.
I'm smoking at least two pounds a day. And they say spice is filled with heavy chemicals: lead, mercury, compounds I can't pronounce.
I'm not worried though, I seem ok. Sure, I am a bit forgetful. Sure I get confused easily. I do the opposite of what I intend sometimes.
But who doesn't, right? Also, the universe has this funny way of getting you to do what it wants, even if you are against the idea.
I for sure never wanted to be 42 and working at a grocery store, huffing gasoline, smoking spice, drinking four 30 packs a week just to cover up the pain of existence.
But life is suffering, at least that's what the buhdda said, and he's a pretty smart guy.
Sunday, December 02, 2012
A Recap of my Thanksgiving
So you know that guy that killed his girlfriend by shooting her a few times, the guy that played for the Kansas City Chiefs? I think I know why that guy shot her.
Sunday, September 02, 2012
So what. So you've got big giant tits. It's okay. God blessed you with something wonderful. A couple of fun bags for the whole world to see. Don't you understand? Don't you understand how much pleasure and fun you have the potential to give to the world? Holding back on giving that kind of pleasure to the world is a form of evil. Maybe not Hitler fucking evil, but evil nonetheless.
I feel like I need to mention that I just lied to you a few seconds ago. When I stated that there was one girl with giant tits that I wanted to fuck. It's not true. Actually there are a lot of girls with giant tits that I want to fuck. A lot. Almost all of them. Some of them are even ugly.
I e-mailed one of the ugly girls. I got drunk one night after celebrating at a friends birthday party. I got wicked drunk. Drank for hours. But that wasn't enough for me. Hardly ever is these days. So after the party I drove over to the 24 hour liquor store and picked out a five dollar pipe and bought a 2 thimble sized canisters of spice, the synthetic weed drug.
I took the 2 canisters home and decided to try the strawberry version of spice. I inhaled a bit and got almost immediately high. So I took a hold of my lighter and puffed a few more times. I got even higher. A weird spaced out high that is a lot like mushrooms and weed. But also feels a lot like crack or bath salts.
Of course every time I get that high I watch porn. Not regular porn. Where guys fuck girls or what not. But jerk off encouragement porn. The kind of porn where girls talk to you, tell you how you should jerk off. How hot it makes them watching you jerk it to them. That kind of stuff.
On Spice that jerk off encouragement porn will fuck you up. You won't be able to distinguish the voices you hear on the video from reality. It will FEEL like they actually are there telling you to stroke your cock and how great your dick is, or in my case they tell me how inadequate I am. But that's that the kind of porn that I like.
So I jerk off to the porn girls telling me to jerk off for a couple of hours. I keep getting really close to orgasm, but I hold off. There is a great sense of euphoria. I feel like I'm on speed. I feel like I am on E. Weird shit.
Suddenly, for some reason I think about getting laid for real. I look down at my phone and decide to look through some of the dating applications that I have installed.
I click through this one ghetto app that is written in java script running on HTML5. It's neon pink and super slow. But I find some fat, ugly chick has starred me, which means she wants to fuck me.
Normally there is no way I would let this chick fuck me. But today I am so fucking horny that I don't care. I decide I am going to get drunk when I meet her. After I get her to like me I am going to smoke some spice and fuck her.
On spice I will be crazy. I will make her do shit that will humiliate her, or scare the shit out of her. Maybe scare the shit out of me. Real crazy shit like punching myself in the balls. Knife play. Chocking bitches out. Having them choke me out. This bitch is going to be sorry she ever laid eyes on me. Either that or she is going to be so fucking happy that a man finally understands her that she will be willing to do whatever it takes to keep me.
I'm suddenly down for that. For being with a bitch that I don't want to be with in public. For taking her to swinger clubs. To make her suck another man's in front of me. All of which probably sounds crazy to you. But it's normal to me and a few other people.
I wonder if those people who think of that shit as normal are as crazed as I am when I get high on Spice. Do their brains tingle? Do they hear voices? Do they get anxiety? What's if feel like to be that crazy normally?
That friend who had the birthday had a friend who was down for this kind of shit. She told me how her ex boyfriend was a freak. She said that no matter what kind of shit I had done, this guy was way freakier. She told me how he liked to make her suck other men's cocks. How he wanted her to call him "Amber" and he'd wear female panties.
I never told her how I took spice and jerked off. How once after smoking spice I started smelling shoes. How the foul smell turned me on all of sudden. How I wanted to lick the inside of the shoes. Real freaky shit like that. How I thought the idea of her calling me Sarah was great. How I would love the opportunity to watch her fuck other men as I jerked off. Maybe even while smoking spice. That would probably send me to overdrive. I'm not sure I could handle that.
But this girl is an ex stripper. Probably not that interested in me. Though she hugged me before she left. Hugged me from behind. A long hard hug like you would give to a good friend that you missed, or maybe your boyfriend. She pressed her tiny breasts into me. I loved every second of it. I hope she wants to come out to Taco Tuesday and get drunk with me next Tuesday.
I think I am going to invite her. Or maybe that fat fuck that starred me on the phone dating site. Either way, I should get with a real chick soon. If I don't get laid I may go crazy. I might start fucking around on spice all day long, buy a gun or something. I have a few hundred dollars stacked away. As long as my car keeps running. As long as it starts. I won't have to spend anymore money there. IF SO I will have money for spice, for playing pool with ex strippers, and for fucking ugly women.
Strange. I feel like I have something to live for after all. Thanks Big Tits. Thanks Ugly Tits. I love you all.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Not that my life is really all that "bad." It's not like I'm an orphan child in Africa. (Things are lookin up for those kids, I just invented a tiny robot that literally picks the flies out of the dying children's eyes.)
So you see things really aren't that bad. I guess they are just bad in the 'modern sense'. Twitter calls them #whitepeopleproblems. Like deciding if you should get the horn fixed on your Volvo before you replace the timing belt.
But I can't help what year I was born in. I can't help the fact that I ain't got Nazis that need an ass-kicking. I can't help the fact that white people already solved most of the problems that been facing people for years.
Don't believe me?
How'd we ever get a black President then?
So I focus on myself. Maybe to the detriment of our species, or maybe just to the detriment of the homeless population. But it is what it is what it is. And their ain't no sense in complaining to me about what I should really be doing.
Frankly, I ain't gonna listen to you. If I was, I surely would have listened by now. Instead I am just thinking a lot about Bath Salts. About how maybe they ain't as bad as people tell you they are.
Also, I think a lot about football. Got an app on my phone where I listen to all these podcasts and news reports. They go on for hours and keep me informed about stuff I really need to know about. OTA's and rookie salary caps and the like.
But I'm doing a lot of stuff like that. Drinking, gambling. Anything to keep my mind occupied and growing. I'm learning new stuff constantly. I am on the Internet everyday. I check out sites that inform me about all kinds of things. But I won't be bothered reading anything that I can't find on Reddit.com.
That's because I'm done reading classics. I'm done reading books period. Maybe if I could get my leg to stop shaking, I would sit down and read the old fashioned way. One book at a time. One idea at a time. No hyper threads linking me to conspiracy theories. No schizoid frenetic masturbation.
But like I said, that shit's old fashioned. Kindle books, internet, twitter, I get my information the way the new generation does. My WHOLE brain is moved too! Faster. I see connections everywhere.
Not Karma though. That's a bunch of horse shit. I mean real solid connections based on informed guestimations. Old people don't get it. But I'm not like most old people. Shit, put a hat on me and I could pass for 27. Give me some E. My face goes all soft. I look early twenties. Scared the Bejesus out of the teenagers I rave with.
They started calling me RAVE. Like in all capital letters. Pretty cool nickname if I say so myself. And you can't give yourself nicknames, otherwise we'd all call ourselves Max.
Sobriquet. That's a fancy name for nickname. Bet you didn't think I new that. Well, I watch TV shows like NEWSROOM so you know that I am practically a pseudo intellectual. I watched it on the YOUTUBE. Sometimes HBO shows their TV shows on YOUTUBE. Bet you didn't know that! But I did. That's because I am two steps ahead of you. You old fucking dinosaur!!! HAHAH
But I love that about you. I love teaching you stuff. I love you....in fact...part of me is secretly thinking about fucking you right now,,,ya...RIGHT NOW.
Don't get soft or wet just yet. I'm probably not going to make my move anytime soon. But it could happen. If you get lucky. Just think about it. Think about me having my way with you.
WAIT A MINUTE
I think we got off track. I am trying to explain today's universe to you. Then we got all crazy. HAHAH Sorry, man. But don't fret. we got plenty of time. So long as the circulation goes to my feet. So long as the hair grows back on my legs. So longs as I stop drinking soda. Then we will have a few good years. I got ten maybe 12 years left in me before I kick the bucket. Before my kidneys shut down. Before my job gets canned. We all kick the bucket, we all get let go. Before the robots take over. Before the WalMart has everybody doing slave labor.
I'm glad I will be dying before all that. Before America is no longer #1. When we get out kicks from watching hand ball or water polo.
"OH YEAH!!! WELL OUR WATER POLO TEAM CAME IN 17TH PLACE IN THE WORLD CUP FINAL, SO TAKE THAT URGUAY!"
Naah. That shit is for you younger generations, me an your mom is just gonna play finger-pony in my ass while this fucking mania keeps me unnaturally high.
You guys can handle sucking. You guys can handle coming in second. My generation, well...we didn't handle that shit too well. That's why we fail. I mean we wrote Heather's and Clerks. Two damn good movies. But after that, it was like PEZ candy, after the nostalgia runs out you realize the shit candy you are eating and go hunting for something like a Magnum Caramel Ice Cream Bar. Wayyyyy to fucking extravagant, but fuck it as the food stamps are paying for that shit. Fuck the looks the guy with Mercedes gives you when you count out your coin rolls, the three gift cards, and the store credit you got for returning that spoiled meat you left on the counter to pay for your shit.
Fuck that dude. Find his car later, and let the air out of it. You'd have stabbed that shit a few years ago, but have you seen the mountains of tires located on Indian lands that get set on fire each summer? Sending mad caps of black smoke into the air. That shits for real, y'all.
Sorry for making this so long, I was going to keep this shit tight.
You know real short and all, but then I had today's poop watch and it was clay colored, which is a heck of a lot better than yesterday's green poop, you know what I am saying? So things were on a spiral up. My digestive track was getting better. That is until about two minutes ago when I let loose with some juicy, green, almost chunky diarrhea. Shit burned my ass chaps. So now I am thinking... that shit mostly don't change, if you know what I mean.
Monday, June 11, 2012
"It's a 1990 Volvo 760 turbo." I say. "I bought it for only $1300."
"Oh, how nice for you." They reply.
Then I tell them how I took the car around several repair shops to get an oil change.
"It turns out that you can't take a Volvo to Walmart for an oil change. They don't stock the necessary parts to do an oil change. I had to go to Midas. Midas charges $39.99 for an oil change."
And sometimes my customers will agree with me that the price seems "a bit high." But that just encourages me to tell them that the mechanic I took it for the oil change found an oil leak.
"Might be something, might be nothing. But I am going to have the undercarriage power washed and the shop is going to add some dye to the engine to determine where the leak is coming from."
"If the leak isn't important they can just add a valve cover or something and the cost will be a few hundred dollars and everything should be okay. But of course if the leak is from someplace important it could cost quite a bit more money and the engine or the turbo may be in danger or already ruined."
If that IS the case, then I am fucked. A new turbo could easily run a 2,000 bucks. A new engine just as much. I don't have nearly enough money to fix those things if they go wrong.
I go on like that all day. Same story to hundreds of customers. I also engage my fellow workmates in my oversharing. I talk and talk.
Afterwards I feel like shit, like a druggie after getting high, huffing paint and then waking up in a puddle of my own piss and swearing to myself, "Never again!"
But the next customer comes and I talk about how the car has air conditioning. And how I just bought new seat covers, and how I am thinking about getting a new stereo so I can play my phone or an mp3 player while I drive.
Not that I have driven anywhere since I have gotten the car. That's the question I have gotten the most. "Gone anyplace cool since you got the car. "Nope." I answer. "Just the MVD, Dairy Queen, and work."
So now I have to overshare with you. Aren't you lucky?
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Took the bus to some run down apartment house to buy a car.* Before I could do that though I had to poop in a girl's bathroom at Shlotsky's Sandwich Shoppe. I waited for ten minutes outside the men's only stall to no avail. Dude was simply not budging. Right as I get that loose shit out of me some girl comes barging in. I screamed out "someone's in here!"
I gave the girl a shock I bet! And she was a total cutie. I bet she regretted the day she walked in after me...
ProTip: If it takes you twenty minutes to poop, you don't have to poop! If you have to shit diarrhea in the girl's bathroom you have a MEDICAL CONDITION.
So I finally get to the apartment and the damn bitch forgot to tell me that the car didn't have a battery. So there was no way for me to start the car, check it out, or even take it on a test drive.
Did I mention that I took the bus to see her? Well, I told her. You would think she might have mentioned the battery situation. It's not like I was going to go back on the bus, then look for an auto parts store and ride back on the bus to maybe fix her car for her.
The world is senseless.
The world is fucking with me. Still. After all these years. Like the same stupid joke god never gets tired of hearing. Why? Why? Why you no get tired of same joke, God?
On the ride home
I got to talking to a fellow bus rider about my situation. The rider offered to give me their number, "so we could hang out sometime."
Pretty sure that dude was gay.
I downloaded a few books from the library. One of them is After Shock by Robert Reich. Talks about how the 1% is fucking us over. The other book is A First Rate Madness by Nassir Ghaemi which talks about how crazy people are the best leaders. It gives weight to ideas like how depressive's see the world, "study after study has shown that those suffering depression are better than "normal" people at assessing current threats and predicting future outcomes."
So they seem like really good books. I thought I would share with you guys how things are going since it has been too long since I have written. I might start writing a little more often. So stay tuned.
*How the fuck can I afford a car you ask? It turns out I have a 401k from the old Self Help Center job. It was just sitting there earning me interest and shit. So I took it out. Got a couple of g's yo! So I am in the market for a crappy used car that will cost me too damn much of my beer drinking money, will probably break down on me in the first few weeks, and leave me crying to myself the next morning after huffing on lubrication.
Friday, April 06, 2012
And he'd be like, "Ya! Whatever, man. I don't give a shit!"
And then he'd just go about his business. Slowly, moodily, because his back was giving him trouble, he'd meander through the shelves looking for specialty food items like freshly ground sea salt. Because he had a secret. And that's all a man really needs, is something special, something to keep to himself.
He didn't have the looks like the beautiful girls that dotted the checkout lines. But who cared? Who really cares about the straight man dreams of lifeless automatons buying frozen yogurt in sweaty black yoga pants and ponytails and freshly painted lipstick.
He was an old age new age man. He was a Walter Benjamin, challenging today's ready acceptance of the ironic and tired. He was FUCKING EARNEST AS SHIT. He may have walked with no moral authority, and looked away when you talked to him, but he had the maddening crazy glare of a mongoloid who knew something.
Because, HE WAS ON TO SOMETHING.
You couldn't take that away. No matter what.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
I think I am, and I KNOW you are.
You dig into my pockets, and you take the change that isn't yours.
You do nothing to end world poverty.
So we can't decry the other. (We are him/her.)
We can't avoid our own duplicity.
Except by watching reality television...except by seeing Jesus in every snowflake, in every thrust of the Nigerian plunderer, (condomless, exploding his seed into your virgin infants crawl space, but curing his AIDS.)
If we are all bad, then so what?
Who am I to care/ I don't.
So hence no Morality?
which is the case when you write shit and no one understands it
which is the case that all you motherfuckers that come here don't get
that I am leaving the shit out that you should know
but that most of you don't
dont fuckin' tell me I am wrong in saying this:
"The most obstinate thing I can see is a fat man in gym clothes."
Don't tell me I am fuckin wrong about that.
Look the fucking word up.
You people are getting me so fucking angry here.
I avoid writing.
Why?/because I suck. Also, because you won't get anything, even if I didn't suck.
I'm not here to write.
Only one crazed reader understands that. He is PRAISING himself now, but he is slightly correct.
I will write almost every day now. I will podcast again. The words must leak out. We can not worry what the random person who reads only one post will think. Surely, you will misunderstand things. This is necessary.
Marx said something to the point in his introduction to Capital. About never being properly understood. Let us make no certain understatement. The method of the Dialectic is not a method of scientific understanding.
I will make no appeal to it whatsoever.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Things could be worse: RETRO from the 2000's
I just got through watching the movie Talk Radio.
The movie brings up some heavy questions. I could apply a lot of the those questions to blogging.
SO Maybe I SHOULD do some soul searching....
What am I doing? What do I stand for? What do I want?
Nah, I find that shit boring.
What I learned from watching the movie.
All the important questions I can ask about this blog have to do with my audience.
What's wrong with my audience? What is it that youwant? Why the fuck do you keep coming back?
For the abuse?
I think you just enjoy watching me decay.
I keep seeing myself in the mirror. I'm getting old. My fat belly collects lint in the belly button when I forget to pick it out.
I think talking to 18 year old kids at work about my sincere love of "fit preggo" porn is laugh out loud funny. So did the 18 year olds. But what the fuck do 18 year olds know?
My goatee is uneven. My ingrown toe nail is bleeding through my sock. I have unexplained back pain. I keep finding squishy tumors in my testicles. I keep shitting green. I just put myself on Prilosec because my throat closes for no good reason. My face and lymph nodes are swollen.
I need a haircut. I am going bald. I am going gray.
Things could always be worse.
No they can't.
I feel terrible. I try to imagine a person worse off than me. I think about a guy who always wanted to be a woman. Who felt trapped in a man's body. Who hates his penis. He wants to cut off the penis and wear cute skirts and those long body shirts that get layered under shorter shirts. He wants to paint his nails. He wants to be taken care of. He wants to be rescued. He's so tired of making decisions for himself. He just wants someone to make the decisions for him.
So he gets the surgery. He gets his penis cut off. Now he uses the girl's restroom. He shaves his legs.
Try to imagine he does not have huge "man hands," or a massive Adam's apple. Try to imagine that he can have an orgasm with his new vagina.
Let's imagine he sits with his legs smartly crossed and has boyfriends. Maybe even fools the guys at college. They don't know that he is a Tranny. They just like his girlishness. They fuck him and he blows them. He enjoys all the cum in his mouth.
But one day he wakes up and misses his penis. I mean REALLY misses his penis. The way any man would miss his penis if it was cut off from him. I wonder what he would go through. I have no idea. Other than staring down at his empty pelvis.
Probably lots of crying.
There are just some mistakes you just can't undo.
He would have to go on living as a woman. He would have to wear those pink breast cancer buttons in September. He would have to watch Oprah. Fuck. I have no idea what else he would have to do. I guess he would have to keep on faking it like all women do.
Because men are useless fucks. We are. We just don't give a fuck. We want your pussies. We want you to admire us. We crave your attention. We need you to build us up.
I have no idea what the fuck you get back from us in return. We give you nothing. All we are is WANT. We are like children. We are want machines. We desire everything we can see and think of.
We need to feel. To touch... everything... maybe that's why you love us. We are your little children that can speak to you, and rub your backs, and lick your toes, and open jars you cannot, and build the world for you.
You just want to live in the world of emotion and make believe.
In the world where there is just you and me and we talk all night in the bedroom/and we cuddle on blankets listening to the rain splash against the windows/and off in the distance we hear car alarms go off after lightning strikes and the car alarms remind us that we are playing hooky/that the real world is out there/but not in here with us/not today at least/we are safe.
But at least YOU still have your penis! That poor tranny boy lost his!
I wish just my penis was cut off. I wake up with a boner every morning, but what use is it?
I am castrated.
Only you will tell me that my castration is all in my head.
A man without a car is castrated. I am a man without a car. I have only my erection. What purpose could my erection possibly serve?
A reminder that I never get what I want. You see The tranny has closure. I do not. My erection ensures that I will have an endless supply of "possibility" followed by failure.
BUT THINGS COULD BE WORSE
No they can't.
If things "could always be worse" then how can you gauge things as they actually are?
If your "standard for comparison" is always changing it can not be a standard for comparison. A comparison without a set value is fallacious.
Things are as bad as they can possibly be.
It's just as likely that we live in the worst of possible times as it is that we live in the best of times.