The Futility of Living

The cancer is taking forever to kill me. 

There's an old woman coughing in to her hand next to me. She used to be a nurse, so she knows better. But that was 50 years ago. Probably before the germ theory of illness transmission was taught. After she's done coughing she applies a red quilted cloth mask to her face.

I'm contemplating all the evil women who tried molesting me as a 20 year old. They took Bob's Gold Star too. He should be angrier about that. 

I can't remember the last time I wrote to you angry. Mostly it's been about resignation. Which is something you don't like about me. How quick I am to give up. How nothing ever works out for me. No one likes that shit, including me. It engenders pity. And nothing is worse than pity.

So instead I'll get angry again. The old Romius T is back baby!!! 

Take the L in the New Year!

How much blood in your stool do you need to die? I'm not sure either, but I imagine I'm close. A red ribbon of death gets smeared into the toilet paper every morning after I visit the bathroom and if that's not a warning from your diety I'm not sure what is. 

I know a lot of you would be like, "better get myself an appointment with a doctor." But if you had my life you'd probably have the same reaction that I had which is, 'what's taking so long?' 

Like many of you I've discovered how shitty this life is. Unlike many of you, I've given up on this shitty life. I really can't understand why you don't. 

Granted many of you aren't exactly facing the same life as I am. But plenty of you have bodies that are shutting down. Plenty of you can't pay your bills. There are thousands or more that are homeless, addicted to drugs, and are just plain miserable every day and in every way. 

Now, I'm not advocating suicide. That's for a later post. I just can't understand why more aren't interested. 

Someone explain it to me. Is it because you never sit down and do any kind of rational calculus. When was the last time you were actually happy? Is the pain way more often than pleasure? Are you really afraid of going to hell? Do you just drink so much that you don't remember yesterday? I assume.