Thursday, December 16, 2010

Peacocks, electrocutions and seizures...OH MY!

It's nice to know that even a few people still want me to write.

I wish I had half the skill it takes to be even a decent blog writer.  I want to able to write like one of my favorite blog writers, Alecia.  I think her voice would go well with all the craziness in my life right now.

She also encourages my writing, which is nice.

Though I bet she watches NASCAR  just for the crashes.

So much has been going on.  So let me fill you in.

Almost electrocuted while installing a hot water heater.*
Mild seizure from abusing Ecstasy.*

Got a girl.  (Well kinda.  It ain't official as neither of us is into relationships.)

The new gf lives in the ghetto.  To get to her house I have to navigate through a virtual modern day land mine.  I have to avoid onerous canines that look both dangerous and sickly all at once. I imagine the same kind of dogs can be found huddled in packs in pleasant sounding places like Somalia.  In addition to the dogs, I must dodge roosters, chickens, and the neighborhood peacock to get to the guest house behind her parents home where the gf lives

That's right, I just said I had to dodge the neighborhood peacock.

(Lets call my new almost girlfriend M.  She is the old GF from my third best post ever. )

M. invited me to dinner and asked me to drop by around 6.  She was "into cooking now" she said, and she wanted to show off all her new culinary skills.  When I arrive she tells me she has to go pick up her other kid who is at her father's house. She suggests leaving me alone with her son because father # 2 is a real asshole and will start shit with her if he sees her with any other man. [read all about him and her in this post.]

M. leaves to pick up her daughter, though before does that she stops at a friend's house to get high, after getting high she goes grocery shopping.  Because a bitch is going to get hungry after getting high, am I right?  She finally gets back around 9:30 loopy high and slightly drunk.  Her sister and friend stay over until 1:30 in the morning. I think you sense I am not getting laid again.

You are correct. I don't.  I do almost get to third base.  Does fingering labia count if there is no insertion of digit into vag?  Ladies let me know.

I know what you are thinking, I'm a natural born sucker.

I sent her a text 2.5 hours in to her adventure saying, "did you get lost?"  She replied that she hoped I was not mad at her for leaving her.  I told her, "we'd talk after she got home," but we didn't.  She does not like me to get/stay mad at her. Though I guess she does like me as a babysitter.  I'm such a nice guy.

The following day on the walk to the bus stop she explains to me that "if you are going to date a girl with kids you have to be prepared to watch them on occasion."

I suppose she is right.  I am sure there is some added responsibility when  with you date a girl with kids.  Though I am not exactly sure how inviting me to dinner** at 6 and not having dinner ready for me, but instead taking off to a friend's house to get high, and then do some errands without even asking me beforehand is really part of the responsibility I took on.

Here is the part where I describe my babysitting skills.

Her son is so attention starved it's kind of sad.  The Kid was ecstatic to have a male in the house.  Sat right next to me and was rubbing his MERSA/Chicken Pox all over my Droid with his grubby little infested hands.

Then I played video games with him for 2 hours.  I hate video games.  And I really hate playing video games with 7 year old kids.  When you play video games with little kids you have to play the way the kid wants to play.  Which basically means he gets to kill you, over and over again, and you have to take it.

The next day I had a fun talk about all this with the Ex-Internet Girlfriend.

She wants to start a Facebook profile and add me as a friend in order to make all the girls on the internet jealous of me.  She is going to create a profile using a hot "girl next door" looking photo and talk shit to the NEW/OLD GF.  I think she even wanted me to change my status to "in a relationship with this fake profile.

Very funny stuff.  Talking with is how I want to relate to a girl.  We never have strange pauses in our conversation.  We never run out of stuff to say.  She actually makes me laugh.  She's really funny. I wanna date a girl like the EX Internet GF/only I think she would have to be more of an alternative chick.  Less conventional than the Internet ExGF in order to get past my inability to be a "real man" in the  world.

You know the whole "I don't really take care of business" attitude that has me at the age of 40 lost in a dead end job, nursing the gangrene on my stubbed toe for two years, avoiding my hot water heater for fear of getting electrocuted, trying to survive on only three fourths of my salary (the rest getting stolen from me by loan companies) bus riding, overweight, balding, insecure, borderline personality disorder, panic attack having, seizure having -from simple recreational drug use- one day suspension getting- and only one more tardy away from getting fired, loser self.

Who am I kidding?  What alternative chick is into that?

I bet I am wrong to hope that if a girl dyes her hair strange colors she won't give a shit about things like stability from her man and instead they just want someone that makes them laugh as we freeware are way through the garbage for dinner.

p.s. Hippy chicks, please inform me if you too desire stability, and some form of conventional masculineness from your men.  If so, I assume this puts me back on the path to getting duck tape and storing a hot sorority girl in my basement.  Or putting up with white trash women who cuckold me-  without me even getting to jerk off.

*That's a whole fucking story.
**She did end up making me a sandwich with mayo.  I hate fucking mayo.

p.s.s. Stay tuned and I will write something about the panic attacks I keep getting.  How I am dissociating and punching myself in the face while trying to stab one of my balls off.  I mean I finally get why crazy people decide to chop off an arm.  Not that I was ever going for knowing about that feeling.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving: An Epic Poem from Romius T.

Everything is empty
and everything
you do
hurts me
in my

"we're not
a special on turkeys" I tell you
because I think you're an asshole.

but at least I can see
down your shirt
when you bend over
skeezer bitch...

Sunday, December 12, 2010

It's getting worse

I might have had a "mild" seizure last night.  I was convinced I was electrocuted (that's a whole story.)  I called the fire dept.  I am having panic attacks that last all day now.  I did E a few nights ago and on my birthday which was last week.  I think my brain got fried.  I think that's why I am paranoid and having electric shocks (Serotonin syndrome.)