Friday, December 30, 2005

The Self Help Guide to the Top 5 TV shows Of 2005 you did not see.

Don't tell me you're too busy to watch TV. What are you doing, saving the world? No you're not you're too busy jacking off to porn on the internet like me. Only I have a smaller penis and cum faster, and you have to "find your spot again" each time. That's why I will always have time to watch things you've never heard of.

  1. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia-from FX the good folks who brought you the Shield and Tip/Nuck. "About four people who own a bar in the titular city and somehow always wind up having comic misadventures, usually very un-PC." Funniest show on TV. Maybe. Three of the four stars actually write and direct it.
  2. Starved -"about the daily lives of four friends with eating disorders who live in New York."
  3. 30 days -"Capitalizing on the success of the hit documentary Super Size Me, creator Morgan Spurlock launched a new series, 30 Days, on FX . The series puts its subjects in situations uncomfortable to them for 30 days, such as making millionaires work for minimum wage, and having Christians live in a Muslim community."My fave show on TV other than Frontline.
  4. Invasion- Some people think this is just a cheap rip off of Lost. But it's more like the last few episodes of X-files. It will infuriate you by withholding details of a conspiracy that we already aware of. But we love it anyways.
  5. How I Met Your Mother-Good cast. This show has more potential than most of your run of the mill network comedies simply because you like the characters.They should hire some funny writers soon.
Sources: Wikpedia and FX

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I was eating a cookie when I read this.

Dead Enough?: The Paradox of Brain Death

"I have to admit that despite all I know about brain death, I still have my moments of uncertainty. More than once, when I have pulled my scalpel across the warm, pliable skin of a donor and seen the exuberant reds of well-oxygenated bleeding, my mother's old nagging doubts have insinuated themselves into my forebrain. I have found myself thinking about the donors' lives and asking the nurses who have met their families what they were like.

As I push aside the still contracting intestines and inadvertently brush my hands against the remnants of the previous day's meal within, I cannot help but think about that last meal and whether the donors and the people they were with had any inkling of the near future.

More than once, as I have procured organs, I have had my doubts. But it was not that, like my mother, I was afraid that these donors were not dead enough; it was that I regretted having to keep them so alive."

Speaking of warm gooey cookies:

"The National Security Agency's Internet site has been placing files on visitors' computers that can track their Web surfing activity despite strict federal rules banning most of them."

Monday, December 26, 2005

The Self Help Guide to the 2 Most Underated Cars in History.

This is my personal list of the "coolest cars" that would not make it only any official ranking. I have chosen cars based on "affordable" coolness.

  1. The El Camino-part car, part pickup. Before there were SUV's or minivans or hybrids, Chevy produced what can only be described as the greatest American car ever made.
  2. The Mercury Capri --5.o power, like a mustang for hillbillies.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

The Self Help Guide to cereal. Batman cereal.


THE COST: 99 cents

WAS IT WORTH IT? you'd have to be pretty shitty cereal not to be worth 99 cents

RATING: * 1/2 stars

Review: Post's attempt at a marshmallow cereal shows it's not as easy as Lucky charms and Count Chocula make it appear. Count Chocula is my favorite cereal so when I saw the sale for Batman Cereal I had to try it.

The best thing going for this cereal is the cocaoa flavored "cereal" part. The marshmallow's really disapoint. There are not in the shape of bats, but tiny round pellets. The cereal never gets soggy, but there is not enough marshmallow for flavor. Post doesn't get that kids want marshmallowes in a marshmallow cereal.

I could not find a pic of The Batman Cereal and had to settle for this Batman returns version. The limited version "the batman cereal" is a take off of the animated series I believe, not the recent movie. If you have to pay full price for it forget it, but at 99 cents the kids could be fooled into thinking you care about their taste buds.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Merry X-Mas

Here is a blast from the past on Santa Claws.

When you finally make it back to the parking lot you are clapp, clapp, clapping. Clapping like a three year old, who has just been told that cookies are for dinner and cake is for dessert. A three year old who still believes in Santa, never mind that the fat, jolly, old elf with his swarmy fucking Norwegian smile won't be sharing his cookies , won't be sharing his milk.Never mind the 10 inch butcher's knife protruding from Santa's sack that he's been saving for daddy. Never mind Santa chopping into daddy's neck and storing daddy's blood in stockings designed especially for all the bad boys like your brother Sammy.

Mean old Sammy who likes to hold your face in the mudd till your just about to breathe."Don't worry" Santa says. "I take care of puckers like him. I cut off their balls and then I serve them raw to little girls like you . I call them cherry bombers . Now , just swallow it down with one big gulp like a good girl , till it pops out yo ass and grows a bush in that filth you forget to wipe away each morning."

A bush your Uncle Billy would sure like to stick his fingers into. Unlike stickin' it to your Aunty Ann who hasn't had his attention since you were born , and who's been too busy to notice you. Too busy arguing with Oprah, too busy fingering her crotch with her newest toy. Toys you won't be getting for some time. Toys you wouldn't be caught dead playing with.Instead you'll just feel the vomit bulging in your neck ,ready to explode, to burst forth with a comedic force , showering old Santa in a prism hue of pink and chunky. You feel so lightheaded , dizzy. And the stifling bark of Effexor is pulsing in your head. You can feel the neurotransmitters ping ponging back and forth in your skull. You can taste the bile in the back of your throat and you can barely swallow.

You can look up at Santa with your child like eyes. Those precious kitten like eyes peering up with innocence, you can do all that while staring at the plate of missing cookies you were promised for dinner. You can glance side ways down the hall into the bedroom that Momma once shared with Poppa.

You can almost feel the heat from his released blood spilling out into space.The laws of thermodynamics then take over , and you can rest assured that whatever warmth Poppa once gave to you, he is now sharing with the whole universe. A cold universe made only a smidgen warmer by the lactose intolerant carcass that now rests at just the paticular angle needed to provide a backside view of your father's ass.

An ass covered with ingrown hairs protruding forward with a vulgar urbanity, spewing forth carbuncles of puss that wait to be popped like Britney Spears vulva on a Florida trailer park restroom floor. A floor covered in the grime of white trash piss and stink ,the piss and stink of men who don't care where they piss, or what they piss on. Men who know that no one else cares where they piss or what they they piss on."Stop staring at your father's arse you little whore."

Who knew a fucking Norwegian saint could speak in a British accent, and a lower Cadsden accent at that.

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Self Help Guide to finding something nice to say.

Even if it's about Osama Bin Laden. Let's see..

  1. He's no friend to the infedel.
  2. He's kick ass RICH
  3. He's Tall (girls are you listening?)

But most imporatanly his niece is fucking HOT!!!

Read about her "music" career here.

Source: Sploid

Thursday, December 22, 2005

MY HERO Paul Lafargue-friend to the lazy, and working class hero.

On behalf of all those hidden commies out there:

" Paul Lafargue produced a pamphlet titled The Right to Be Lazy. Like most of his 19th century contemporary activists, he condemned the twelve-to-fourteen-hour factory workday, but unlike his father-in-law [Karl Marx], he didn't just critique the conditions of labor--he went after labor itself. "In capitalist society," he wrote, "work is the cause of all intellectual degeneracy, of all organic deformity."

" Lafargue dismissed the "right to work" that other socialists demanded. He asked, instead, for the right to lie around on the daybed, the right to read and to nap, the right to feast and to make love. He declared the right to endless leisure."

Go here for the rest of the article.


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Change my name..change my name (in the sing song of say my name.)

I am thinking about changing the name of this here blog. Ever since I was fired I really don't have a reason to keep calling this the "Self Help Center." But I damn sure don't wanna lose my 5 point google page ranking.

Any Ideas?

Monday, December 19, 2005

BBC NEWS | UK | Singapore to partly lift gum ban

BBC NEWS UK Singapore to partly lift gum ban:

"Singapore is preparing to partially lift its famous ban on chewing gum - in order to comply with a free trade agreement with the United States.

But only gum aimed at helping smokers to quit will be allowed when the new rules come into effect on Thursday.

The penalty for smuggling gum into the country is one year in jail, and a 10,000 Singapore dollar ($5,500) fine."

Wired News: Testing Drugs on India's Poor

Wired News: Testing Drugs on India's Poor

Pick me up a new lung while your at it.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Thursday, December 08, 2005

A blog is suppposed to have links and commentary.

According to the Gothamist I am not allowed to call this a "blog" if I don't follow the rules. So I guess I better start "linking" more and then commenting. I already have a hard enough time trying not to sound like I "associate with 16 year old girls, writing in bad grammar on Live Journal."

I think I am far more cultured than that, more like say 21 year olds who use spell check.

You should read the following every morning:

  1. Arts and Letters Daily
  2. Salon

Then you'll be as smart as me. But since you don't I will continue to steal posts from them and call them my own.

I once fucked Lindsay Lohan in the back of an El Camino.

She made me wear a Wilmer Valderamma mask, it was kinda humiliating. I have one of those portable DVD players and she insisted we had to have That 70's show reruns on in the back ground.

I am not the only person perplexed by Lindsay's crush on WV the folks over at The Superficial are simply terrified of Wilmer "He is obviously some sort of alien and/or demigod, because there's no other explanation for his Sauron-like hold over hollywood starlets. I'd like to ascribe Lohan's ongoing obsession with him to either 1) a bad father, 2) drugs, or 3) general whorishness, but can't. This whole thing is like an episode of the X-files. I just hope Lindsay figures it out before she ends up in a space-pod on Rigel-7."

Couldn't agree more.

P.s. I am totally buying another El Camino with my student loans this year. Thanks, Uncle Sam!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

If you missed it.

I was quite incredible at Fat Cat's on the birthday. I gave a rousing rendition of Gloria by Laura Branigan. Think Bill Shatner meets the announcer to Saturday Night Live. Standing "O" from the audience.

I also ignored my friends and made out all night with my on again off again, was there really a relationship thingy kinda girlfriend (I am not his girlfirend-she will say if you ask her). Everyone was pretty pissed when she did not put out. Quote "You wilt like a flower around her."

Ok, maybe, but seriously that may be the gayest way of saying I was a pussy ever. Way gayer than watching Knotts Landing

I know FoxxxyLove felt ignored, but foxxxy always feels ignored when every ounce of attention I can muster is not placed on her. I will buy a Coach Bag for you for your birthday. I believe Bill Parcells has a great new line.

There was even a FRO sighting at the local I-hop. I stayed up till 7am watching Kill Bill 2.


Friday, December 02, 2005

Does watching the Knots Landing reunion show make me gay?

For those of you who were old enough to get my reference then you realize that watching a reunion show about a spin off of Dallas means I shuold be at least question my maniliness.

For the others, those of you who surf the net, your probably wondering just what the hell Dallas is (does he mean the city?)

I think it was just the fact that I cried three times during the reunion (Val and Garry have a such a real chemistry) that worries me. Maybe I should just get back on Prozac.

Oh hell Abby was such a bitch, but damn she looked good.