Thursday, May 31, 2007

I know where you can score some PBR for a buck a can on Wednesdays in Tempe

I hear people are in an uproar over that guy who has drug resistant TB flying around all over the world. News organizations and bloggers are falling over themselves pretending to hear about this kind of thing for the first time. They should have been panicking a long time ago. I've blogged about a case like this back in March when I wrote about a Russian in Phoenix who was placed under quarantine for really bad TB. Much like Andrew Speaker this Russian guy is a bit of a crybaby.

"They're making a criminal out of me," he added. "I've been crying almost every day. . . . I'm all alone. No showers. No sunlight. It's the silence that's pushing down on me. . . . It's the worst you can get, even if you murdered somebody."

You see I am always helping my readers out with important news like exactly how many people who have incurable TB are living near them and exactly how many Pabst Blue Ribbons one needs to consume in order to get a hangover. That number is 8. Plus or minus one.

The Palo Verde is a dive bar that is one part hipster bar with a rocking jukebox (that only takes quarters) and one part homeless beer provider.

$1 cans of PBR on humpday brings in the crowd. Even if the ASU students are gone for the summer. Even when the PBR reps waving around corporate debit cards have all been fired. You can still see the assorted working class mingling with the slumming college kids who think real street cred has something to do with tattoos. It doesn't. Street cred is about choosing a bar because of the dollar specials they have, not using Daddy's credit card at the bar provided ATM machine. $2.50 surcharge for each withdrawal.

If that ain't enough to get you going the jukebox has a single song selection from UFO. Highway Lady. A song about a prostitute. The lyrics from the song include the words " she makes you smile and makes you forget how she she feels."

In the imortal words of someone I can't remember. "I'll never forget!"

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

What happened to my Google Page Ranking? A list of Bad Things Google does to the World that does not include lowering my Page Ranking for no reason.

What the hell happened to my Google Page ranking? A few days ago it was 5. Today I noticed that it was only a 4. I wonder why that is.

I don't want to say my ranking was lowered just because I tell my readers that Google spies on them. But what other reason can it be? Have I pissed off Google because I don't use AdSense? Is it because I might use PayPerPost to generate some income? I hope not Google. Otherwise I will have to add that to my list of Google's crimes against humanity.

Are some of my fellow readers not linking to me anymore? I doubt it. Is Google pissed that my blog is now qualified for PAY PER POST? It was right after PPP told me I was approved to place ads on my blog that my rating fell by 1 point. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. Google claims to do no EVIL. I love G-mail. But maybe Google is evil.


Here is a list of BAD Things GOOGLE does other than lowering my page ranking for no good reason.

OK so I didn't get through the list without adding that google lowered my page ranking for no damn good reason, but it did!

Please Digg this article so Google will fix my Page Rank. Don't forget to BlogRoll me if I link to you or you like my blog. You know I am awesome.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Happy Memorial Day, I have to stop eating at Wendy's

I ate there again today. At one point I was there with 6 college aged girls. 3 of those girls had just come from the pool and were wearing shorts or covers over their swim suits.

None of the girls managed to sit in my line of sight so I couldn't stare at them while I ate. I had to keep getting up for drink refills if I wanted to get a peak at them. The girls must have thought I had some kind of dehydration problem.

I had already eaten most of my food by the time I noticed the girls. I had been reading the paper and nursing my drink when the girls walked in. Most of the time I am forced to eat by myself because I get to Wendy's around 3 o'clock and by that time all the cute girls eating salads are gone to be replaced by the fat girls complaining that their "grandma's chili is way better."

The girls with covered up swimsuits were a strange mix. They looked a bit older than college aged freshmen. And they had a few extra happy meals padded on to their plentiful asses. But they could still get away with showing a bit of the belly. I think the girls may have just been taking advantage of the holiday to get some sun. I bet these girls work together and just dropped out of college a while back. They probably still think they could go back to school at any time.

I could sense that with all the estrogen in the air the girls were going to be sorry to see me leave. Not that three of four of them would have fucked me anyways. They were just tired of spending all day with other chicks.

The sun was out and bright today. And because of the girls Wendy's smelled like the sun and chlorine. And they munched lazily away at their cheeseburgers. I threw away my trash from the recently replaced garbage container and got on my bike and I pedalled away from the store listening to a crazy lady scream "balls and penis" in my iPod.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Today is Update Day for the Surveillance Society

The Bush administration has issued an administrative directive allowing the president to seize near dictatorial power in case of an emergency.

The UK is planning a program of RFID chips to monitor hospital patients , students, children

Greg Palast is reporting that he was given 500 of the missing e-mails from the Whitehouse that prove that the Republicans use "caging" lists to discourage and deny blacks the right to vote.

Bots with Brains: Future Robotic Overlords?

"In 1981, Kenji Urada hopped a safety fence at a Kawasaki plant to carry out maintenance work on a robot. While working on the machine, the robot reached out and pushed 37-year-old Japanese factory worker into a grinder with its powerful hydraulic arm. "

Saturday, May 26, 2007

I just want to make you happy

I am not a scientist, but I like to play one on my blog. That's why I will pass along this good piece of news to all you ladies out there.

"The finding that women who do not use condoms during sex are less depressed and less likely to attempt suicide than are women who have sex with condoms and women who are not sexually active, leads one researcher to conclude that semen contains powerful-and potentially addictive-mood-altering chemicals."

I've been telling my sex partners this for years. But now science and Psychology Today have backed me. I'm not just saying this because if you look up the yahoo local "group sex with out condoms" you will see a picture of me, I am telling you this because I love you. I care about your happiness. And condoms suck. I know this because your Mom told me.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I discover the Wind hates me, That homeless don't always kill for their lunch and it's not nice to make fun of starving people.

It's hot and I am riding my bike to the library. The wind is blowing against me. Each time I change direction the wind does too. The wind hates me. The wind wants to make sure I must ride into it.

Outside the library 3 park rangers are talking to a fit blonde woman. She must like men in uniforms. Apparently any man in any uniform. Because chatting up park rangers "guarding" the library seems bottom barrel if you ask me. She'd have better luck sitting at home waiting for the UPS guy to deliver her "the package."

It's hot. Even resting in the cool library homeless people look exhausted by the heat. I guess that's why homeless people think they can bring in their kittens inside to the computer center. I can hear the muffled cries of a cat hidden in the knapsack of a homeless man right now. He plunges his fist into the backpack to try and quiet it. I think he has kitty food in his hand, or maybe he is just petting it. Trying to calm it down. I hope he is not strangling the things neck. I don't need to be a witness to crime like that.

No one around me is reacting at all to any of this. They just type away. They all pretend they can't hear the kitten cry. Isn't someone pissed that a homeless guy has brought a kitten into the library? I am pretty sure that the library has a no pets policy in place.

I wonder if the homeless guy ever gets hungry enough to eat the kittens he stuffs in his knapsack. I am not prejudiced against the homeless. It's a fact that many in the homeless community have poor diets and don't get enough to eat. Plus I hear Scientologists cook a good puppy.

Speaking of starving people, I feel like I need to defend Eric Shaeffer. Normally I obsess over female B-level stars. Today I give my female readership a shout out. Today I will obsess over a man. I can't believe some people are making fun of one of my favorite writer/actor/TV stars.

Eric Schaeffer, star of the amazingly funny show "Starved" is getting hammered over at Gawker. If you never caught "Starved" it was one of the funniest sitcoms ever produced for a National audience. Crude. Vile even. But honest. If you don't appreciate his comedy style you may get pissed at him for wanting to have babies with his girlfriend.

Salon says this about him:

"But after 15 years of directing and starring in largely ignored and tepidly received films, Schaeffer has struck a chord in New York City and online, just by being ... Eric Schaeffer, a 45-year-old binge-eating, downward-dogging, recovering drug-addict hypochondriac with an online dating habit, a taste for happy-ending massages and golden showers -- and a hankerin' for a wife who wants to bear him three children starting in about five to six years."

It was this blog entry that is supposed to piss you off:

"It's nothing personal. I LOVE everything about women as they get older. Women over 45 are divine. They've dropped all their shit and really sink into their bodies and beings but.... BUT unfortunately, babies are done.

Therefore, 36 is my cut off. Maybe 37ish but I simply know deep in my soul that I want my own children at least first before I think about adopting and I don't want them for at least 5 years.

I don't get mad when women like black guys, or young guys or buff guys, it's their preference. God bless them. STOP GETTING MAD AT ME AND THE REST OF US 45 YEAR OLD MEN WHOSE CUT OFF IS 36 OKAY?!!! FOR WHATEVER REASON, YOU DECIDED NOT TO HAVE KIDS YET AND THAT'S FINE, BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THEM YET, OKAY?! WE LOVE YOU BUT IT'S AN ISSUE!!!"

I've mentioned this kind of thing before. A guy can be called a douche bag if he prefers younger women. Nothing ever gets said when about the prejudice of female preferences for money, hair and height. The female reporters at Salon and Gawker can and do make fun of his baldness and height (like me Eric is a whopping 5 foot 8.)

I mean it is one thing to call a guy a slimebag.

"i also know how much time he spends surfing the web, probably reading each and every blurb about himself as he masturbates at 2 am while eating non-dairy chocolate. and hating himself for it."

It's another to call him a rapist.

I thought that's what we had Kobie Bryant for. Hey Eric if you happen on to this post, do me a favor, don't jack off to me. I mean unless I am totally hott or something. Maybe you can get to know me first. Let's do lunch.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I hope the guy who reads this likes it. And decides to give me money. Otherwise I might just go to work at Cirkle K.

So I am sitting here waiting to see if I get approved for this blog writing payment thingy. You figure it's about time I get off my ass and start doing something with my life. Even if doing something would require a great deal more time sitting on my ass in front of the computer.

There maybe some negative things about this biddness opportunity of mine. Like you may have to put up with paid blog entries about things you might not care about. Then again it will require me to post at least three times a week. And I will probably have to start a few more blogs if I am going to make any actual money at it.

I know what you are probably thinking. I could just get a real job and go to work like the rest of you. But then where would all the craziness come from. Hell I'd be just like you. And who wants to read that guy? Sure you do. But nobody else.

If Google is right people only care about:


Pseudo Pneumonia.

I am not even sure I wrote a post about have that crap. Way to go Google.

Monday, May 14, 2007

I don't want to be rich. I just want to be able to buy Wendy's frosties whenever I want. And a paper. To check the scores.

I am supposed to wake my roommate in a few hours. It's only 10 am, but he asked if I could wake him at 2 pm. Normally you wouldn't have to ask a guy who is up at 10 am if he is still going to be awake at 2. You could be probably be safe to assume that he is going to be awake for the day.

But not around here. Sometimes I go to bed at 7pm wake at 2 am and stay up till lunch. Who knows. And my roommate isn't much better. It's like we drift along in some timeless quantum state. The house that time forgot.

So that's why I decided to blog today. Just to keep my mind occupied. Give myself something to do. Don't go expecting something great from me.

I saw this blogger today who claims to make like 400 dollars a week on his blog. Which is $396 more than I've ever made on this site. I think his blog is supposed to be about his work at a video store.

He writes 80 posts in two days so you know that's a hell of a lot more work than I want to get into. But it got me thinking. I may just end up trying it. Plaster all kinds of Google ads while I'm at it.

I always have ideas about new blogs that I must write. Even though I hardly take care of the three I have. Video blogger guy has 6 blogs. Just think. 3 more blogs. Got any ideas? You can always leave me a message on that SnapVine player that I know nothing about. If any of my female readers want to leave me a dirty message that's ok too!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Jared loves porn as much as you do

I don't want to blog much.
Mostly because it is Day 3
of my constipation.

I went to the store to buy a laxative.
I did my Internet research afterwards.

Turns out I bought a "stimulative" laxative.
The worse kind.

You can die from taking them.

So instead I ate some chili.
But the chili has no fiber.
Beans, but no fiber.

So I sit without relief.
Not so easy.

Either is this.

Former fat guy Jared from Subway
from his college
dorm room.

He charged a buck a day per tape.
we are told he had quite the collection.
Shocking, huh?
That a huge fat man had an extensive porn collection.

After jerking off
all day
Old Jared would
waddle down to the new
subway that was just built
in his dorm room.
And scarf down a couple of subs.

Was he eating them without mayo and cheese, even then?
What does his wife think of all the extra flabby skin he must have.
What does she think of his encyclopedic knowledge of
1980's beta max pornography?

I tell you this.
She doesn't give a shit.
She is way to hott for him.
She only cares about his money.
I hope he knows this.
I hope he just fucks her for her looks.

Meanwhile I took a small dump
during the typing of this post.

My liver still hurts.
I am not sure if the shit was enough.
I may need to shit more.
It was a small dump.
nothing huge.

Or maybe my liver is just shot.
$3.79 down the drain.
I wanna go back to the drugstore and get my money.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Was that wrong? Why reenactments of the movie Swingers will get you called gay and upset the delivery guy!

[The following conversation is not verbatim]


Inside the home the Suns/Spurs playoff game is on the 27 inch Apex TV. 2 men sit on the couch facing the TV 1 is in a recliner and another man sits in the love seat.

A doorbell rings and Card Shark gets up to answer the door. They are expecting pizza.

Romius T.
Hey, Shark, is he cute? Is he hot? What's he look like?

- Is he brown? Maybe he'd like to come in and join us for a cocktail.

- Is he polite? - Is he a brown man? I like'em brown. Don't let him get away!

The Gang

-Stop it. Romius, Stop what are you doing. Don't do that. That's gross!

There are cackles of laughter. And further protests by everyone else in the room. Everyone is embarrassed and flabbergasted except Romius who can't get over how funny he is.

Romius T.

-Invite him in.

-Don't let him get away!

-If he's polite, have him come in.

If he's polite, let him in.

-Is he clean?

The pizza guy makes his way into the living room. He is carrying 2 large pizza boxes and 2 bottles of soda. He is tall and looks to be under about 20 years old. He has a perplexed look on his face. He looks over at Romius confused and a bit worried.

Romius T. (addresses the delivery guy.)

It's OK. I am doing swingers. You know the movie. I mean your a pizza delivery guy. You gotta know that movie. All pizza delivery guys know this movie. They do right?

Pizza Delivery Guy

-I don't know that movie.


He doesn't know that movie. He's too young.
Romius T.

-No way. Everybody knows that movie. That movie was big. It was huge.

Cut to Paul who snorts with laughter. He is dismissive.


-The movie was not that big. Nobody knows about that movie. You know about it maybe...maybe I do...but not everyone.

Romius T.

Oh, Come on! It's penetrated the cultural Zeitgeist! It's out generational... Are you saying he's not hot?
The X-Man.
-Don't fuckin' do that shit.
-That's not funny! He's gonna think we are gay.

Card Shark

-I don't want my house to be known for that. I don't want the delivery guys to think that about this house.
Romius T.
-You guys are assholes. You're all no fun.
-Go!! Eat, eat, you fuckin' jackals.

Friday, May 04, 2007

A Daily PitchFork Exclusive of a World Daily Net Story of a Rapper Turned Dancing Rapist

Hell has no Jail Bait.
But like me they do love a good Jail Bait story.

Like the "story" of a rap star turned rapist that the paragon of news The World Net Daily tries to pass off as true. According to the WDN the biggest rap star in the world was accused by a minister of performing a dance "which bordering on sexual simulations" on his daughter.

Look, like the rest of you I assume most rap stars are rapists. But I have no idea who this "Akon" guy is. I don't think you can consider yourself a rapstar until dorky white guys who don't bother with your culture know who you are.

Then again maybe Akon is trying to pop into my milieu the same way that the guy who pissed all over some girl did. I think he got his own South Park Episode or something. So I can't really blame they guy for stirring up trouble. Also, this is probably the first and last time I will think about World Net Daily, so kudos to them as well.

And finallly a special set of congratulations goes out to 14 year old Danah Alleyne who's slutty performance got me to pay attention enough to know who the world's biggest rap star is. Welcome to the Jail Bait Hall Of Fame girl.

Go visit the PitchFork for tons of pics and links!

Top Story from Lindy Slinger World News Headquarters

I want to apologize to my thirteen readers B.F. L. (before Lindy Slinger) who don't have a fucking clue who Lindy Slinger is or why I am now dedicating my weblog to becoming the World Resource for Lindy Slinger News.

I've tried hijacking the fame of some B-List celebrities before. Steve Nash's wife, Jessica Hawn, and Lisa Loeb to name a few. But sometimes I restrict myself to hard news like reporting on the existence of 4 legged humans. Seems like yesterday I was considered Google's number 1 source for info on Human Quadrupeds.

Human Quadrupeds draw less traffic to blogs than speculations about Lindy Slinger's breasts.

I got only 600 hits a day for a while for that work. But I've gotten several thousand hits a day for my little musings on Lindy Slinger. And y'all know I want to become famous.

A noted reaction to Lindy around the blogger sphere is to comment about her perceived lack of beauty. Mostly by bloggers with girlfriends half as cute as she. Wait who am I kidding, none of those bloggers have girlfriends.

Lindy Slinger Sighting!

She makes her way to Phoenix and the Valley of the Sun!

Don't take my word for it. Take the word of some other random blogger. He claims that "Last night, I went to the Phoenix Suns game with my good friend Bob."

"After the game we’re in traffic waiting to get on the freeway and I notice this little arm resting in the open window of a Suburban. Then I see this girl lean forward and look out the window at me, smile, then sit back. It was an instant and I said to Bob, “Dude, that’s Brady Quinn in that ride. That’s his chick!”

I can't believe I was so close to getting to meet Lindy in the Flesh! Also I just knew that Lindy would have a "tiny arm."

From Lindy Slinger World News Headquarters in Tempe:

Romius T.