Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Larry King is mad as hell and he ain't gonna take it anymore

I've been telling you guys for years that K-Fed is a hell of player. I just can't see why Britney I-go-my-way Spears would leave such an incredible star.

Have you seen both of the magic movies? Illusionist and the other one? Well I have seen the illusionist and its the best movie about Illusionists I have seen all year.

Larry King blogs every Thursday night at 6 P.M., when he's not too drunk he posts.

Larry King wants you to join his myspace and be best friends forever. And I mean forever. Larry King is never going to die. I don't care how many heart attacks he has.

1,234 Laotian Mini-wives prey for Larry's death. And for rescue.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Jail Bait of the week should not be a 12 year old boy turned transsexual

But I don't make the rules here folks. I just report the news. And the news is a 12 year old boy was given permission by his doctors to become a girl.

That's hot. No matter what your political feelings are.

More good news. They finally killed that damn horse.

Friday, January 26, 2007

I don't need bling. I just want to be rich like a Kenyan. Rolling with my cell phone. Spending disaster relief aid money like its never gonna rain

Not every American is as rich as Angelina Jolie or as handsome as Brad Pitt. Take me for instance. I look more like the New Leave it to Beaver than a movie star.

I am not working much right now. But I still have to support my drinking habit. Good thing Circle K offers RC cola at 99 cents for a 2 liter. I don't mind RC cola. But I don't always think of RC as soda. Sometimes I just shut my eyes and pretend its dark acidic goodness is the foamy leftovers spilled out from Paris Hilton's yeasty vagina .

The clerk at the Circle K I buy my RC from wished me a nice night and "fun drinking." The clerk at the Circle K is fat. But not soft fat. Strong fat. She rises over her cash register like a tidal wave of kinetic energy.

She assumes since I walked here that I am taking both 2 liters of RC and 7lbs of ice home so I can get drunk. Because people without cars are usually drunks. But I can't get drunk, because I can't afford alcohol. That's why I stick to mixers only. Plus my liver is too tired to face Jack Daniels anyway. My liver faxed me a warning yesterday warning me if it had to form "anymore yellow bile or green turds" it would "go on strike."

My own liver. On Strike. My liver is such a bitch that it prefers to communicate with me via fax. You know, like some pissed off insurance agent. Rather than in person like a real man/liver should.

My cashier informs me that my purchase total comes to $3.63. Good thing. My payday from last nights poker haul was just 4 dollars. I dig in my pockets for 3 bills and 65 cents. I even had enough to "donate" my change to breast cancer or maybe some home for retards. I figured I owed the retards as much since I was gonna go ahead and make a joke at their expense.

"Did you know that a third of all Kenyans have cell phones?"

The cashier didn't. "And I bet a significant majority of them earn more than 4 dollars a day." My cashier did not appear to be at all interested in my white man's burden pity party. Instead she just kept clobbering away at the cash register with her fists.

"I need to do this." She says. She wants to reassure me. She'd like me to believe that the operation of the cash register required punching it with all her might. But her efforts at convincing me are in vain. I nearly ran out of the building after witnessing the shear power of her punches. "And don't rob me." She adds still punching away at the machine.

"You look too tuff!" I told her. "To rob."

"It wouldn't be tough to rob me." She insisted.

"Tuff's got nothing to do with. If I robbed you, it's just about biddness." My comment provoked laughter from the line of people behind me, so I repeated the word. "Biddness."

People who stand in line behind me at ghetto convenience stores love to hear white people use slum in their vernacular. Which gives me another good idea. I think I am going to take a digital recorder around and start recording my entire life. And all my sarcastic observations.

I can't tell the difference between the two.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I want to Marry this gal or at least interview her for this blog

Emmalee Bauer, 25, of Elkhart was fired by the Sheraton hotel company for being a "goof off."

She joins a long list of good folk who have been fired, just because they refuse to work. She ain't a blogger but instead kept a hand written journal about her frustrations with her job.

"At one point during her employment, Bauer was allegedly instructed to refrain from using company time to work on her personal, handwritten journal. Rather than stop writing at all, Bauer allegedly began using her work computer to keep the journal up to date."

Source: DesMoines Register

Her diary reads just like my early blog the Self Help Center:

"It's noon already and I don't feel like I have accomplished a damn thing. Accomplishment is overrated, anyway."

"I just have to get through the next seven hours and forty-six minutes and then I will be free."

I hope this chick is hot. Cause I havea feeling we would so get along. Ema, if you are out there chat me up sometime.

Source: Obscure Store

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Karaoke & Booze, Armed Robbery and Beef Jerky: The Life and Times of RomiusTexis or life in the little city of Tempe.

The longer my titles run on this blog the shorter my entries have to be. I've always liked that about my blogstyle. I'd ask you about your opinion if I cared, but I don't. Because you're not an artist like me. That's why you keep refreshing your browser to this URL. That and your pedophilia. I know you hope that I've got another JailBait entry waiting for you. You sure are a sick muthafucka. But I won't tell your Mom, or your babysitter.

What I do have for you is the story of the Armed Robbery that I failed to notice. Despite the fact that I was less than 3 feet away from the crime when it took place. That'll teach me to eat out at Mexican restaurants.

Actually that's the end of that story.

I'm hoping my new tag Tempe, Arizona finds it way into Google's rankings. My hope is to get all you people out of this city. Too much traffic. And I don't like people staring at me when I am waiting for a bus. I am what they call a "high self monitor." By "they" I mean my Psy. 101 textbook.

I was gonna hang out with Knows it all this weekend. But she's in bed by 9 P.M. My dead grandmother keeps later hours.

I hear talk that I might be turning pro again. As in Pro Poker Player. If my last trip to the casino is any indication of my skills. Let's just say that I'm pro just like an Arizona Cardinals offensive lineman is a pro.

Hugs from Tempe

Romius T.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Texas *Hold Up There* Canada You can stop installing location transmitters in your coins now

I play Texas Hold'em with a "friend." He works for a company that does some work in Canada. I never thought anything of it. That was until I read this:

"They say money talks, and a new report suggests Canadian currency is indeed chatting, at least electronically, on behalf of shadowy spies.

Canadian coins containing tiny transmitters have mysteriously turned up in the pockets of at least three American contractors who visited Canada, says a branch of the U.S. Department of Defence."

Now I get why "they" suck so bad at poker. Why on Earth is your wife calling unconnected unsuited cards to the river? Is it to ply my cupboards full of your spy chips? Me thinks so.

I just don't understand why Canada wants to know where I'll be at all times. I mean I've always like Canada. I dig socialized medicine and my brother likes hockey. So I don't see why they have it out for me.

Doesn't Canada know how much I hate Trey Parker? Libertarians are ready to celebrate the victory of our Surveillance Society Overlords.

Et Tu Canada?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

World Head Quarters on the Move

Many of you know that I am in the process of moving World Headquarters from Palmetto, Florida to Tempe, Arizona.

Expect little to no posting for a while folks.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Sports Update III A Sports Tragedy

Sometimes the best team doesn't win. Like every Superbowl the 1970's Dallas Cowboys played in. Life is not fair.

But TEAM/USSR ends up short in it's attempt to claim awesomeness for itself.
But second place ain't to shabby, right Molly? Sure beats third place. Any day of the week.

I hate you Trey Parker. I hate you too Matt Stone. I am just not to sure what Matt Does. I think he got rich because his friend is funny.

My I-pod isn't working. I-Tunes can really suck like that sometimes. I think I am going to take out all my anger on Trey Parker. Even if that Trey Parker knows Ayn Rand writes a dull book.

Because all my songs are gone. All my podcasts are gone. You might think this presents me with an opportunity to really explore in specific terms what really bugs me about Parker. Maybe even point out some specific examples of his hypocrisy.

But Libertarians are Flat Earthers. Their philosophy is so full of bunk and oblivious to such obvious truths that it's embarrassing when they finally see the truth. So I don't want to be that guy. The guy that finally makes Stone and Parker see the light about Amway in the back row of some local Denny's.

"I hate conservatives, but I really fucking hate liberals.”

Nobody would have ever guessed that from the show, Mr. Parker. Just one thing. I am pretty sure Science agrees that Global Warming is real. But since you are from Colorado you probably want it warmer. I lived in Colorado Springs for almost a year. It really sucks there. Except for the nice Mormons.

My family wouldn't have eaten a few weeks out of that year if it weren't for church groups dropping off boxes of food. So I just wanna say thanks to the Mormons.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Don't be so pissed. Saddam's only doing what you would do if you could.

Just in case I ever get into a position of power I keep a list of people I will execute.

I just added some pathetic yahoo personal ad chick who says "I want to find someone who is patient and can understand that my children and my dog are my life and they come first."

What kind of psycho are you to put your human mate below the interests of a dog? And what kind of needy lowlife actually could actually hook up with a chick that plans on demeaning you like this?

Maybe that's why you are still single little girl.

I am only single because I am unemployed, fat, ugly, and a bit rude. So it's all by choice. But God's choice. I am the Job of single life.