Saturday, August 30, 2008
What I'd like to talk about is that I got my 100 dollar gift card from my store today, so I am now officially in the market for a laptop that has wireless Internet access and can be bought used for under 200 dollars (and by under 200 dollars I mean 150. ) I went to the computer store today that sits in a strip mall across the street from my house, but it was closed. Small business owners let me give you a hint-do not go out to lunch. Bring your lunch with you or you will miss out on a sale. Not that he had any laptops from what I could see.
I tried to contact someone on craigslist yesterday to buy a laptop, but they never called me back.
I was going to look for a laptop on Monday, but I traded shifts with a guy so he could celebrate his anniversary with his girlfriend even though they don't have sex. I don't see the need to celebrate non-sex anniversaries and I told that guy that, but to each his own. I was supposed to have this Sunday off, but it looks like my sneaky boss picked me a Sunday shift that starts at 9 am. If you know me then you know I would never pick a shift that starts around my bed time. So it looks like I will be working for the next 7 days which will bring my total up to 14 days in a row working as a cashier at this stupid store and for all that work I will have exactly 3 hours of overtime. So I won't even get rich by all the working I will be doing, I will just be getting burned out.
Oh yeah. Katie Schwartz is awesome and she is my Blog Friend of the Day™ and that means you need to go check out her web page and protect her from all the giant breasted bleach blond wives of former rap stars who often visit the court right here is Arizona. Happy Blog Friend of the Day™ to ya Katie! Did you all notice the addition of the trade mark? Do not infringe on my trademark y'all!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Jezebel's Riot is all about a young womans life in New Orleans. It is guaranteed to make your eyes bleed or your money back.
"I have a voodoo man living next door. No joke, an honest to goodness magic man who converses with the trees on a daily basis and receives artistic gifts from the winds."
See? I bet you wanna go read her now. If you have not already been, then you must go. Jezebel is my longest running blog friend and she writes wonderfully crafted sentences that haunt you long after you read them. If I had talent I would write like her. But since I don't at least you can go read her and I will take credit for the 5 or 6 extra blog hits she gets today. You will not be disappointed if you don't count realizing you have been spending all your time reading my blog when you could have been reading a real writer.
Good night and god bless you.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Today's blog is Monkey Muck. I took a look at at Doctor Von Monkeystein's coverage of the Democratic Convention because I usually work at night and thus have missed most of the key moments of the convention. Also I am pretty much burned out on the mainstream media's coverage of the split between Hillary and Obama. I am a hardcore communist, but I have always voted democrat. Barrack Obama was not my first choice. I liked Edwards. And though my guydid not win there is no way in hell you could convince me to vote for McCain. I live in Arizona, so I know the guy. I think the mainstream media's coverage of the partybickering is a con and full of crap. I think the media would love for the democratic party to fall apart like in Chicago, but this is not Chicago and Obama's supporters and today's democrats are not counter culture peace freaks, but normal folk opposed to going to war for oil, opposed to Bush's policies that promote indiscriminate government spying, allow for corrupt officials and bankrupt economic policies.
If you missed the convention go read the monkey man, or better yet if you are burned out from watching hardball and glen beck (I watched way too much MSNBC during the primary) then go read Monkey Muck.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I feel all flush with cash because I know that my store once again finished in second place for the biannual shopper contest. That means we will be getting a one hundred dollar gift card soon. I plan on using the gift card to buy a Visa gift card so I can pay for a used laptop at a used computer store. I hope to save all my quarters and pocket change for the next month and have about 200 dollars. I think that will be enough money to get me online. Then I will have my own computer for the first time since I started playing around on the old BBS systems back in the late 1990's.
I think I told you guys I belonged to an adult BBS. It was kinda like yahoo personal ads and a chat room all in one. I think a whopping 10 people could access the BBS at one time. The BBS even had some old school graphics. All the members met regularly at a bar and hooked up with one another. They were all old, fat and gross for the most part. I was young and moderately attractive still and could get a date so I did not need the service. I just liked playing on the computer and all the interactive fun brought me back to my glory days learning basic and pascal in high school with mr. rafter. It was in mr. rafter's computer class where the nickname romius texis first started.
This blog is going to have to remain "bloggy" until I get my computer and start writing with more of the romius t flavor you all have come to love and demand. I hope you can manage until then. I have spent $1.54 so far typing this. My blog costs me money. I really need to win the lottery or something y'all.
My internet cafe is right next to ASU and you would think that would make for an exciting cafe full of hot chicks and drunken frat boys. You would be way wrong about that. I guess all the ASU kids can afford wi Fi and have their own laptops. They all drive cool jeeps and BMW's, so I guess a few hundred bucks is nothing to their parents. I have always been envious of the frat guys. They get to wear tank tops and sit next to their bleached blond girl friends. They know how to drive stick shifts and drive with their hands between their girl friends thighs.
I usually just sit at the bus stop, shading my eyes from the sun. I poke around my back pack for a new cd to pop in my portable cd player. I have to change out the rechargeable batteries every so often. I watch as all the cool kids drive by me. I know that even when I get my mp3 player it won't be an ipod. I know when I get my car I will be too old to take pride in the fact that I drive. No one will give me credit. They will shake their heads at any woman silly enough to attach herself to me. "What's a girl like you doing with a guy like him?" If the question is not directed at her from friends it will be directed at me from her. I won't have an answer. I won't be able to defend myself, because I need to wait for the 100 dollar gift card to get a computer.
It am alone in the Internet cafe except for another white guy in his forties who is typing away on his Macintosh computer soaking up the free Internet access that comes with a minimum purchase of 5 dollars. The lone attendant, I assume to be the owner, is an Asian man in is late twenties or early thirties. He doesn't speak English. I asked him to explain the fee structure for logging on to the Internet, but I soon gave up. I can hear him in the back of the cafe doing dishes. The sounds of dish washing are unmistakable. Pots and pans banging and clanging together and the soft sound of water running. I can almost taste the aroma of dish soap. The only other people in the cafe left. They were both black. One male and one female. The female sat outside and sneaked a few peeks my way. She sat out on the patio directly in front of my table. She chose to sit across from me even though her boyfriend was at a computer further down.
The man worked on a resume and called people on his cell phone. He assured the caller that he was not mad at them. I think for some reason black woman find me attractive lately. I have been getting a vibe from them. Normally black woman think I am jokester and stay clear of crazy crackers like me. They figure depressed, loner white guys are the ones that go crazy and I think they have something there.
I lost my cell phone for a few hours today. It was turned in. I was thinking just before it happened that I never lose my cell phone. I thought I lost my mp3 player yesterday, but luckily I did not. I found it the empty tissue box that I carry around in my cloth grocery bag that I use as a substitute for book bag which I guess is a substitute for a brief case which is what a 37 year old should be carrying around unless you buy the movie I watched last night with Christian Slater in it where he is a crazy white guy who plots to kill all his co-workers. But instead of killing all his coworkers he ends up saving them by shooting another crazy white guy and becoming the hero and gets promoted up to executive where all the other executives insult him by telling him that executives don't carry around brief cases so I guess I don't know what the hell to think.
Today Leslie asked me why I never talk to her outside of work. I told her it that was because she was half my age and I could go to jail. Also she has a boyfriend and doesn't like to drink beer. I make drinking a requirement of all my girlfriends because it is the only way I can get them to find me physically attractive. I need to do something because I would sure like to have women get sick in pain from the need they feel to be intimate with me. I am not sure how this post got here. I bet you wished it didn't. Too bad for you.
This blog has gone all "bloggy" and yet I keep adding readers. My amazing readership total now stands at 5.
I ate at McDonald's today again. The Mexicans woke me up at 9am but I refused to get out of bed until noon. Mostly because I am heroic like that. I need to go to work. I may post again if I get off work in time to get to the library.
In case you are wondering I am still sick. I still blow my nose and I have some congestion. I can manage through it though. I won't cough on your veggies. I have been sick for 2 percent of the year because of this illness. I guess I will pick a doctor and get some antibiotics.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I am thinking about my subscription to my gym. Two months and two visits, but I guess I don't need it if I can beat random 40 year old hipsters who die their facial hair black in arm wrestling contests. But it is still a waste of money and I regret buying it. Only it makes little sense to cancel since the upfront costs are substantial and it is only 25 dollars a month to keep going.
I just can't focus on working out since I am drinking so much soda. I am drinking soda because I don't have a working dishwasher so I don't have a clean pitcher to put my tea in. I can't drink tea without a pitcher. I won't buy any more plastic cups (the Mexicans are drinking all my plastic cups) so I just keep drinking coke because at least I can recycle the cans. I made 10 dollars the last time I turned all my cans in and that was because I used the automated self crusher rather than going down to the junkyard and getting 80 cents a pound from them. I was not sure they would be open, and I did not want to take the chance that my gas would be all used up on the drive to a closed junkyard.
I had a long conversation with card shark the other night about women. We both complained that the female's interpretation of romance was the default societal position and that hogwash as the romantic nature of the female position is just as unsubstantiated as the sexual nature of a man's position. Card Shark is convinced that all of life's mysterious can be divined from the book One Flew over the Cuckoo's nest. I am convinced that Loose: A Memoir of Promiscuity will divine all the needed information on slutty chicks that we will ever need.*
*I have 5 minutes left. I need to get a laptop. I need to get a job that pays better. I am eating ham sandwiches for dinner every night. I need to stop going out drinking. I need to save money and get the computer so I can get this blog back to normal. I think I will try re-writing some of the old posts when I get the new computer, but that is for some time in the future.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I need to go the doctor.
I am too lazy to go. I don't feel like picking a provider. I don't understand how to use my insurance. I want a packet that tells me what to do. My last insurance company gave me a packet and told me what to do. But now I have Blue Cross/ Blue Shield and I guess Blue Cross does not understand how ghetto my old insurance was. My old insurance understood that I never had insurance so they steered me away from claim forms and picking doctors. They managed my health care.
I got my hair cut today.
That is why I have no time to post.
I must leave the library in 7 minutes to make it to work on time.
I just wanted to say hi to the 3 people still reading this blog. Steph. Lucky Charms, and D-cup.
I would have bought a laptop but I was invited to go drinking. I had to buy my favorite bartender a few drinks because it was her birthday. She plans on buying a gun with all the money people gave her. I refuse to give money to unstable people with a history of violence who are planning on purchasing weapons. That's why I don't donate to the Republican National Party.
I drove to the FrO's parents house. His car is not there. None of his family members are there. I knocked and rang the door bell no one answered. I would have stayed but his parents live in the ghetto. I was afraid even during the daylight hours that I would be attacked by marauding packs of dogs or gangs. The mystery deepens. Has the FRo and his entire family been abducted by aliens?
Does anyone know a good private eye?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
There is a librarian at a certain public library that has a crush on me.
I bought a rose for my favorite bartender on her birthday.
I Had 2 minutes to write this.
Friday, August 22, 2008
I think I am feeling better but it hard to tell. Even though I feel a little better I might have to learn to live with being a deaf. So much fluid in my ears I can't hear the TV.
Being deaf is not easy. I know. I had to help two deaf people today at work and deaf people are always mad. Deaf people are the easily the most frustrated group of handicaps you will ever encounter. I am not sure why deaf people get so frustrated. Deaf people aren't even all that handicapped as they like to point out. They just can't hear you too well. You would think spending your entire life dealing with hearing people would teach you things like patience. You might think they would say something like, "here we go again another hearing person who can't figure out what we need."
Instead Deaf people just grunt and point and use their secret hand signals like you know what they mean and they get super pissed off when you have to ask them what the hell they want and then they point at paper and pen and suggest to you that you really should write every thing you want to say to them down because they can't hear all that well and all the time you are thinking that maybe they hear fine that they just don't talk well, or maybe they are retarded. I guess deaf people don't like being confused for retards and I can't say I blame them. Who wants to be thought of as a retard when your only handicap is not listening?
Deaf people like to think that if we hearing folk just got out the way they could take over the world and everything would be OK. But if you have ever seen a group of deaf people hanging out at a bar and having a few drinks then you would know what I know and that is deaf people have a mean streak and chip on their shoulders. Deaf people get very animated when they drink together and yell and sign aggressively to one another. I hope a deaf person never gets elected president as a deaf person would be more likely than a hearing person to pull the trigger.
I have uncomfortable encounters with deaf people.
Deaf people have their own culture and don't like sounds or things that remind them of sounds and even though they don't realize it they themselves are always making strange sounds and some of those strange sounds are very close to words or seem to mean something to us hearing people so we hearing folk get all confused.
I wrote down address and phone number of the store which is what deaf people were looking for. It was all very confusing because I kept hearing they needed MY name when all they wanted was the STORE'S name.
It was a good thing that they did not want my name and that they wanted the store name because I thought they were gonna report me for discrimination or something ,but I guess deaf people like to write down store names or something as maybe they just forget what stores they go to or you make up your own reason why I needed to write the name of the store down for them as the store name is all over the store and even a deaf person should know how to read and remember that little bit of information.
I watched Team USA drop the baton during the Olypics last night and got depressed about it. Then I then watched Sweeney Todd and wondered why. Netflix still owes me a third DVD and they are taking their sweet time sending it out. I sent them a nasty email along with a nasty email to Amazon.com because I have not received the book I ordered by Eric Schaeffer. ( I can't believe I am still Single.)
I did get my insurance company to send me paperwork to enroll so I will be headed to the doctor for a check up on the Super Aids, prostate cancer worries and all my other ailments. I need new glasses and I need to go to the dentist and I will be able to do all that soon.
I checked on the FrO and no one has been near the house for a good week or two. I have decided to visit his parents on Sunday. Let us hope is alive and well or I will need to move in to one of those pay as you go motel rooms. Actually I kinda like the idea of fresh sheets every day.
This posting reminds me of the 30 posts in 30 days of may challenge I gave myself a while back. Only I never got close to posting 30 posts and I think if I did I would all be stuff like this. I can't keep up with the news or anything because I get all my news from the Internet. I don't like blogging about stuff I read in the paper or see on TV.
Mexicans shit a lot.
I can't tell you how much toilet paper I have gone through since the construction workers have started working at the house. I had 24 rolls and now I am now down to just one. What the hell are these guys eating that they need to shit as soon as the get over to the house?
They also used up all my poopie sheets. I wake up and I find all the bathrooms closed and sprayed with Lysol like they can't wait to take a shit at a whitey's big house. News flash. Whitey don't own this house. Whitey just wants to visit the toilet and not see a toilet sprayed full of pinto beans. I have my poop watch. I guess I should just go ahead and add the poop watch for construction workers.
I think you call it a courtesy flush. I know now it is not part of your culture, but please... look in to it people.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I pulled out in front of some girl today on the way home from work and she flipped me off. She did not slow down even though she saw me coming from a far enough distance, she had more than enough time to let me in and do my maneuvering into the next lane. Instead she and her friend chose to give me the one finger salute and then gunned the engine in hopes that their jalopy with no air conditioning would hit my big fancy truck and they would end up with a big settlement.
Boy are they wrong. I spend a good 40% of my income on my truck and that just shows you that I got a bit o' the ghetto in me. I barely make the insurance payments on the minimum coverage insurance policy that I have, and I can't afford the 40 dollars to respond to all the lawsuits that my creditors file against me. These girls weren't gonna get a goddamn thing but a kick in the ass if they hit my truck. I thought about chasing them down and poking one of them in the head or kicking them in the neck (that is the new ghetto beat down saying according to Tami from work and she would know she is black) but I was worried that there would be witnesses.
I would have loved to have fought them though, and taught them a lesson. People need to be more careful. We live in a civilized world, but some of us aren't so civil, some us are serial killers in training. I think these chicks though since they outnumbered me they could take me in fight. Women seriously underestimate the punching power men pack over women. If you doubt me get on top of your husband; with all your force and try and hold down his arms. Even with the help of gravity and your considerable weight advantage he will likely pick you up without much effort.
I would have crushed those girls and given them bloody noses and bitten them. Girls fight dirty and I would have gone for a knock down on the first one and then really worked over the driver. They were both little hippie dirty girls. I am sure they don't shave their pits. I am sure I take more showers than they do. I wanted them to taste gravel.
I guess I was a bit pissed off is what I am saying. I might have been a discourteous driver but they attempted to put my life in danger. If you risk someone's life you should expect payback.
I got called into work early today. I went because I can't sleep and therefor was awake at 8am to take the call. I went to work and got 2 extra bucks (TM) for showing up early. I am sick and go in early for a gal that call's in sick. I am such a trooper. I get rewarded for my hard work by making $9.30 for that shift. I guess hard work pays off. Oh, I guess not. Only smart working pays off and if anything agreeing to come in early to work for a sick co-worker when you are sick yourself is probably stupid and stupid pays under 10 dollars and hour so I guess I get what I deserve which just goes to prove there is a god and she hates me.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I was talking to a few of the new folks at work and was bragging to them about how I am Internet famous. They were not impressed. It turns out they have blogs too and even though they don't have half the talent I have they appear to have as many readers as I do.
Personally, I don't think blogs on MySpace should count as a blog. I guess I am old fashioned like that. And I don't count friends, co-workers, and family members as readers. I only count my fangirls. And at last count I had a good dozen or so chubby gal pals on my counter. I think that is one hell of an accomplishment since I always assumed the only people who could be interested in this blog would be men and by men I mean convicted sex criminals.
Some bad news. I think I forgot my password or user name to my podcast. That means I might have to start a brand new podcast feed just when some of you are getting the hang of digging me.
Wow. good news, I just remembered the password as I was writing this. I have 49 downloads this month, and that is with no new podcasts. My rating is 2.97 which is close if not in the top 50.
I know if you have not taken the opportunity to download or subscribe to the podcast you will soon!
I have begun the coughing stage of sickness, but it has not been as bad as I expected. I feel 56% better than yesterday. The sun woke me up at 8am today, I got the idea an hour ago to place foil paper on the outside of my window to sheild the sun. We have no drapes in the house. Everything is getting replaced. I am getting uses to the paint fumes. I am becoming one with the paint fumes! I am no longer horny. I have no desire to masturbate (ok d-cup?) today or yesterday.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I was supposed to go to work at 2 but traded a few hours off so that I could complete my move from the one room with carpeting to the one of the freshly painted rooms. The new bedroom I will occupy still has paint dust everywhere and needs to be swept or vacuumed. All my clothes are belongings are packed into plastic bags. That will make it easy for the real move which will be soon I hope. Assuming the FRO is alive. If he is "he'll have tales of chainlink glory holes,green lunch meat and decorative oranges told to be edible."
The move took me a little over an hour and I am sure I will be breathing tiny particles of paint which I am sure will raise my mercury levels to unsafe proportions. I am considering suing, at the very least I will need to stay away from tuna fish sandwiches.
If you ever wondered why I don't post as often as some other bloggers I think you know why now. I won't be posting on Bathos or the Karl Marx blog for a while as I just don't have the time with the super slow Internet connection that the Tempe Public Library uses. They have a little note on the door at the computer lab blaming Cox, but the Internet is always slow here. I think we are using Commodore 64's on dial up here. It takes 4 minutes to check my e-mail which consists of my mother and step mother's forwarded jokes and racist attacks on Barrack Obama, who I had no idea was a lesbian Muslim who wants to turn America into Cuba.
I am congested. I feel a weight on my lungs. I will be coughing a lot soon.
Yesterday I blew my nose a lot. When I start to blow my nose all I do is blow my nose. I remember as a child i had pneumonia and filled a large brown paper sack from the grocery store full of little snot rags. My mother insisted I was faking it. She thought there was no way possible for a child to have that much snot.
I went through an entire box of Kleenex yesterday at work all by myself. All the while I am touching your vegetables and handling your food. I made a suggestion to go home and my supervisor just laughed. I talked a pal (thanks milly!) to come in early today for me so I could finish packing and get some rest (I still ain't sleeping, i can't sleep knowing the Mexicans are on the way.) The Mexicans did fix the door bell today so we know have a door bell. I still have not got my book by Eric Schaefer in the mail. So far that is like 20 dollars down the drain. And I spending money too much, I am eating out a lot as I don't like eating around fumes. I get depressed easily and seeing the crack house fills me with anxiety. I am very anxious lately. I have too much to worry about. I don't like having to think about stuff so much. I will be glad when the move is over.
I told Leslie about my hanging out with my ex yesterday. I mentioned Leslie because she likes me to talk about her on my blog. I told her she would not need to read the next few posts as I described my sick symptoms and evening out with the Google eX.
Leslie told me that if she was 25 she could be interested in me. I asked her what her friends would say about a 17 year old girl dating a 37 year old man. She said her friends would think she was a bit desperate. I had to agree though I had hoped that it would be cool for a girl in high school to date an older man, but I have a feeling only a 13 or 14 year old will think dating a much older guy like me will make them cool.
I started reading a memoir, A loose Woman. it details how the author used her body to get attention. It is filled with sex and I hope to learn a lot about women by reading it. Maybe I will get laid sometime soon. I can't about sex too much when I am sick. That is what made my last masturbation session during the Olympics so creepy for me.
I have only a few minutes left. I still want to write about my night out, but it was not that interesting to be honest. If I do write it I promise it will be boring, so don't get your hopes up. I just need something to keep you interest while I wait for a computer and access to the Internet. I sure hope Britney has not done something crazy while I have been away from the net. I can't visit the drunken stepfather either as it is banned from public libraries. I was hoping me and Jesus were gonna be best friends.
God damn google has fucked this post by dropping half of the changes and edits I have made. Fucking internet. Fucking google. If this post makes no sense blame the TPL , Cox internet and Blogger. don't blame me. I am sick and I have to go to work and take another poop there. Jeez I hate that.
Monday, August 18, 2008
I am sick. I have been blowing my nose all day. My throat is sore, and I still taste the "water based paint" in the back of my throat. The construction workers were supposed to come over at 10 am but let me sleep until noon. I was gone by then and planned to stay out all day. I was out doing the same thing I do whenever I had a day off and was married. I went to the bookstore. i could not find a replacement copy for the lost Bukowski novel. I refuse to buy a new book. I want to pay used prices for my book since I already bought it.
I drove around to several different barber shops that I like but they were all closed. Sunday is not such a good day to have off if you want to get anything done other than watching the NFL.
I went to the movies to get out of the heat and fumes. I saw Tropic Thunder. It was pretty good and Tom Cruise is the funniest dancer ever. I walked around the mall a lot and bought a 5 dollar shake from some hamburger joint where the staff dances on the half hour. I remember a certain hitman in a Quentin Tarantino movie who was made aghast at the prospect of purchasing a 5 dollar shake, but with gas prices and the recession it seemed like no big deal to me.
I would like to gripe about all the aggressive cell phone salesman in the mall. There must be 30 kiosks of cell phone providers and every time you walk by one they "just want to ask you a question." I can assume a special place in hell for the man who allowed all these pushy cell phone salespeople to exist.
I retired to my room and barricaded myself away as much as possible from the fumes. I did not eat dinner but I did go to Walgreen's to purchase a new toothbrush (I am afraid that the paint fumes have soaked my old one), fruit juice and some water.
I had difficulty breathing all night and the A/C was out. Only in my room. The rest of the house was livable but smelled like paint. My room has yet to be painted so I chose to lie in a warm bed rather than breathe in toxic fumes.
I laid restlessly in bed until 7am when I took some aspirin. My fever subsided and I was able to breathe on my right side. My throat still hurt and I still taste paint and the workers woke me up at 9am. I stayed in bed till 12pm and woke and showered and ate a Whataburger (I never eat at Wendy's anymore) and now I am posting all this crap here.
I hope my readers will stick by knowing that all I can produce right now is what they are reading. I am in a weakened state. I lack energy of all sorts. I drove by the Fro's house 3 times yesterday. No one was home. I must assume he is missing. Who knows for how long? Maybe I will visit his parents to find out more. Either way it appears I am stuck in the house for the foreseeable future.
A young black woman checked me out on the way in to the library today. I must look worse than I feel. Which would be awful. My eyes are solid red. I am sure I have the super aids. I need to quit exposing myself to the virus. I will certainly catch it one day. When I do I will never get a girl friend. I will die alone.
The library is unbearable. Warm and moist with the constant stream of cell phones interrupting my concentration. A homeless man is seated at my table with McDonald's. I think he wants my coke. I think that he is living dangerously.
Every one near me sneezes. I blow my nose and go through two tissues as I type this post. I hate being sick. I hate the heat. It is only making the homeless situation difficult. I think the workers are expecting me to pack my belongings. They want to begin work today in my room. I will have no safe haven. They keep blaming Card Shark but I know that it is there fault. They don't ask him permission to start work. They just go where they need to. I blame them for all the headaches. I don't trust water based paint. I am sure I am developing some kind of disease from exposure.
The homeless man stood up to see if he could take a swig from my soda. The soda is placed on the table just outside of the computer room. You can't bring a drink in to the computer room and the homeless man wants to wash down his Big Mac with my cola. Fuck him. You can't have my fucking Coke dude!
I work in one hour. My heart is racing. I am out of wack. People want things my coke. I taste paint in the back of my throat whenever I swallow. I am having a bad day people. Don't you wish you were me? Today the library hid the Internet explorer from me. But I am tricky and I know that just because there is no icon for Explorer that there is still a way to access the Internet. Fuck them! They think they got me but they lose too!! My upper lip is sweating. That is not a good sign. I wipe the sweat as it collects in my goatee. I think people notice me wiping away at the sweat.
I type all this in under one hour. I checked my email. I forgot to mention that 2 of my former teen sister wives are now working at the movie complex I visited. I got a hug from one. You are jealous no doubt. She wore a cute bow tie. She held in her hands the broom and pan needed to scrape up popcorn. I did not ask her to get me into a second movie for free. Netflix finally delivered me a couple of movies.
Did I mention I went drinking on Friday? I was hung over all day Saturday.
Luck Charm please send me a link to your blog through email. I lost it on my roommates computer. I miss following your blog as it is a quick read!
Your homeless blogger,
I need to poop right now. But I don't have any wipes. I will have to poop in at work where I can purchase some. I am spending money to fast. I can't save any. I hate when I hold in my poop all day at work. It makes for an uncomfortable day. I am already sick and exposed to toxic shock syndrome now I must shit. The body. No matter what. It imposes on us. Drags us into the here. I sweat. I ache. I need sex. I need to stop all the masturbating to the Olympic gymnasts. A few were 20 years old and bendy. I masturbated high to fumes and sudafed. I noticed my penis is bigger than you thought it was. I have a time magazine with a picture of a six inch ruler. I think you will be impressed ladies. A full two inches when flaccid. No problem at all. I need to stop typing I have 2 minutes left!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
I think you know why I am moving. Card Shark is getting married and I need a new place to live. The house is a crack house. I got a call from a tipsy Card Shark last who asked me to tuff it out for a little longer. The Mexicans wanted to know what time I wake up on my days off. I told them 2pm and the negotiated me down to 10 am. They never showed and my sore throat woke me at noon. I had a full bladder that when drained was the color of tangerines. I have not eaten a tangerine in years, but I often sell them at work.
Some good news. Stephanie assures me that a car wash in the works so I am sure I will be getting my laptop soon. In other news I am still internetless and computerless. I am at the public library today. I forgot to eat breakfast but I am not too hungry right now. I can't live without the Internet. I love being online. It seems that Netflix had some problems delivering me my DVD's. I finally got 2 yesterday, so at least I have something to watch.
I was reading Women by Charles Bukowski a book that was suggested to me by Katie Schwartz. I loved it and took it to work where it got stolen. I am so pissed. Not because of the money (though it was 10 dollars down the drain) but because reading it was inspiring me to write my book of women as well. I was thinking I was almost as funny as the great Bukowski. I know. I was getting a bit ahead of myself. But writers like NFL quaterbacks need egos. the other book I ordered has yet to arrive but i think the Mexicans are in charge of mail collection now and I am worried that my book has been packed or lost. They already packed the remote control to the dvd player. They drank all my coke and and bottled water. I think you know how I feel about people drinking my coke. I can go bat ass crazy over that shit. Seriously if it weren't for the fact that they don't speak English and there was three of them I would have been ready for a beat down.. Quit fucking stealing my coke. Steal anything else. Anything but my coke.
I can't find the FRO. I left a note at the condo and it was still in place. I have varied the times I go over to the condo. I am texting and calling and e-mailing and no response. the house looks abandoned. I can't see much inside but a light that has remained on for the last week. Fro's working car is gone, but his broke down Geo is not. Someone left a note on the Geo hoping to buy the car. It reminded me of the time I sold my car on Craigslist and some guy bought the car for 250 dollars. He paid me 150 and said he would come back with the rest of the money. He never did. I sent him letters and he still did not pay me my money. Now I know what credit card companies feel like. Which reminds me that I am getting sued and need to file a response.
I feel like my life has become a lifetime "thriller" movie of the week. Only I act in real time not movie time. I have not seen the fro in a month or so. I am only now getting concerned. Maybe he is in jail for all the drunk driving he does. I am sure he won't like me talking about his drunk driving, but i need to elicit some kind of response from him to see if he is still alive. I am willing to pay half the rent at his place so I think it make good financial sense to get back to me as soon as possible.
I have 28 minutes left of internet time. I am typing very fast. I have already checked my e-mail and myspace pages. I need to watch some lifetime movies to figure out how to find my lost friend. I hope is not decomposing in the conod. Dead people smell is difficult to get out of a place and I will be forced to move in to one of those pay as you go monthly rentals. I really need to get a second job as a nightwatchman with Internet access so that I can keep up with the blogging.
Sorry I have no fat girl jokes today. I have no Internet celebrity news. I don't have time to look those things up and still write to you. All you have now in the homeless thing and the mystery of the missing Fro to keep you entertained.
I got a myspace from my best friend at my old job in the court house. I invited her to lunch. It will be nice to catch up. She was my original female friend. Since BF (to learn more about BF read the first months archives--I don't have time to link to stuff y'all!) I have had a few other female friends. (in real life. yo! a shout out to all my vgay peeps online --keep it real!) I really am growing as a person. Sometimes women aren't just vaginas. Well sometimes women have things to offer in addition to their vaginas.
Speaking of vagina my exgf can't talk to me anymore because she got kicked out of her sisters place and is back with baby daddy two who does not like her talking to me. I do inspire jealousy from male competitors. No reason to worry dude. I am not looking for a single mom with drama and two kids. She will probably get impregnated and I will end up with her at that point.
We have a new girl at work covering shifts from all the fired workers. She is super cute and 19 so I am in love. I announced to the world the other day that any person, "exhibiting the secondary sexual characteristics of the the female gender and being moderately attractive will find that I have a secret crush on said person." I am sure from my remarks she understands that we are meant to be together. Forever.
Lots going on and so little time to write. Funny I write more with no computer than when I had a computer. I won't take it for granted anymore. When I buy my computer I promise to write.
Keep up with the car washes! I can't stand the fumes anymore or walking on bear walls or how the TV echoes throughout the house. I find it creepy. Not as creepy as the prospect of the fromiester's decomposing (I always knew there was a 50% chance I would be the one to find his bloated and smelly) body, but creepy nonetheless.
Good night and good luck,
**You said you would read the blog, bunny. I don't think you have. I knew I could not trust a vegan!
Friday, August 15, 2008
I had forgotten that about beer because I don't like drinking beer when I am upset, but I am considering changing all that as beer makes the slow nights after work with no computer and no netflix bearable. I need something good in my life as the construction wakes me up early which is why you are getting all these lousy blogs with no spell check and no forethought. I know what you are thinking, "not much different from your previous stuff." Thanks. I guess I will stop taking two hours to write one post and just throw up a new blog entry everyday!
I haven't told Card Shark that I have decided to make him the villain in my eviction. He won't like that as he always wants people to like him and he is hoping I make the fiance the bad guy. But I won't do that to her. I know I should not try and make him feel bad about making me homeless but it is too easy as he has a lot of guilt built up over the years from his many indiscretions.
Enjoy your microwave ovens and peeing indoors, bitches!
the homeless blogger
the blogger without a computer
I hope subway has a deal on a sub. I'm hungry.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I will be moving back to my old place of residence with my awesome roommate the FRO. The Fro hates when I talk about his gout and drinking escapades, but there really is not much else to talk about with the fro.
My roommate Card Shark has decided to get married and that means I am getting evicted. I get to live in the house while they do all the repairs and upgrades that the house has needed for the last few years. So I get to live in crack house and the wife gets wood floors. I guess it pays to have a pussy more often than not. Either way I a computerless as I was using Card Sharks computer and that has been boxed up. He has ripped out the carpets so I am walking around in a death trap. I stepped on a thumb tack and I am sure I will need a tetanus shot. I am deducting all my medical expenses from my last weeks rent.
I am not sure if the fro has Internet or a computer anymore and I will have to save some money for a computer of my own because I am tired of not being able to collect child porn on the computer that I borrow. I think I need to save about 150 dollars to get a computer that will let me surf the Internet. I am planning on cutting off Netflix and eating baloney sandwiches for the next two months so I can afford a used computer and a wireless router and broadband access. I will try and post when I can from the library, but that means I won't respond to much e-mail or your comments, or read your blogs for while as all I get is an hour of free Internet a day at the library and even that time has to come early in the morning before I go to work and if you know me you know I don't like being awake so damn early.
I think Cars Shark expected me to stay a little longer in the house but like I said it is a crack house now with no computer, no floors, and 3 Mexican workers hammering at the crack of dawn. I can see how the house is going to be nice for the new wife. For instance the new locks the mexicans installed don't need to be jiggled with a key to open. It sucks that the locks get fixed on my last day there. I was always annoyed by jiggling the key. Also the new lights in the kitchen are replaced, I no longer need to use the flash on my camera when I post a (cooking with t.) segment from that kitchen. Again all useless to me and franky the lights in the kitchen will go unused as the family moving in (team card shark and wife) are not exactly cooks.
Well folks I am thirsty and I need to go to work. I will be hunting for a part time job at night so that I can afford all my bills. I want the internet and I want a computer and the only way you ever get anything in life is by working for it. hahah
Sorry, I could not keep a straight face with that line of bullshit.
I will miss you guys but keep checking for periodic posts and go ahead and comment I will try to answer them.
Lucky Charms is not only a great cereal it is a great alias!
I can't disagree with you. I am all about laying down a moral or two and I think this blog is fine for those over 13 who have a parent like you at home. I was just giving you a hard time. I am kind of surprised that a 13 year old boy might find this blog entertaining with all video games out there. I just think that he should hiding from you looking at stuff like this like I did with my parents. All this openness and refreshing ability to interact with your kids is weird to me as my parents did not want to know anything about what I was doing if it did not involve getting A's in school. They liked to bury their heads in the sand and pretend that their children were not growing up so probably so they did not have to face growing up which I guess is why I am so good at being a grown up too.
You new Britney before she became Britney? Wow! I once got Hillary duff's sister to email me. Not quite the same thing but you get my point.
So for now good bye. But not for long I hope. Soon I will post about my "crazy" night with my ex. That should keep you looking forward. Don't forget the archives folks. Most of that shit is funny. I trust like the the fro you will start at the beginning and read a new (old) post every day. Then you can go the forums at the podcast and start debating what it all means. You don't need lives you've got me. Start a car wash and get my computer. I want a laptop and a desktop and i want 3 gigs bitches!
Your favorite homeless blogger,
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I think it is safe to assume that all the pink haired shoppers in my store are ex strippers who ass rape potential threesome partners
You don't see too many strippers with pink hair. Men don't like pink hair. I have no idea why women dye their hair pink, other than as a sign to other lesbians that they too hate penis which I guess you can't blame them for since penis is the cause of most of the problems in this world.
The new assistant front end manager (there's a title for you) used to roommate with the stripper. I asked the new assistant if she would "please pretty please" set me up on a date with her. My manager suggested to me that it would be a bad idea. She said that the stripper and the stripper's boy friend used to have a lot of threesomes that involved roofies because I guess it is just too much effort to ask for permission to fuck someone when you look good naked.
I wonder if I am committing a crime by not turning that information over to the police? The new manager is full of surprises. I was on a mission the past few days to discover what her job was before she worked in the grocery business. She used to work in a porn shop. I find that shocking of course because I am built a little more delicate than some of you. Like I think drugging people and sodomizing them is tantamount to rape. But I still want my manager to hook me up with the stripper because I want to date an exciting girl, not the mousy fat girl with gray gym shorts covered in vegetable grease and raspberry filling that you all think I should be dating.
I guess I could tell you about my exciting night with the ex g/f. But maybe later. Stay tuned for an update.
Monday, August 11, 2008
I almost get famous but as usual something gets in the way and that thing is fate or what you call god
I was really hoping I was going to get famous after Jesus blogged about me, but Jesus forgot to link to this blog so it looks like I won't be benefiting from all the traffic he has and all the money he just earned from tapping my comedic comments. I'm sure Jesus meant to link to this blog but he probably just forgot or never got around to it because he is way too busy looking at all the porn people send him or wiping down the crevices of his wife's blubber which I hear is an all day job.
I am getting tired of people hating me and credit card companies wanting to sue me. I am getting evicted from my house and I am thinking I will just live in a tent on Mill Avenue and I hope you guys stop by and buy one of my poems for a dollar so that I can afford to get some beer because being homeless is gay and being gay is depressing so I think we all know what is in store for me there.
I try and figure out all the time why this blog is not as popular as the Drunken Stepfather. I assume it has something to do with the fact that I don't post as often as he does, I don't link share, and I don't have as many naked pictures on my site as he does. I have been meaning to ask Jesus why it is that I can't get famous but I have always been to lazy. He finally posted a blog entry where he discusses why other people are too late in the game and no one will ever get as famous as he is for what he does.
I posted the comment to that blog entry where Jesus tells us how difficult it is (even for him) to make money on the Internet with a website that shows gossip pictures and makes drunken comments about step daughters. He wrote:
"Today 4 different people told me they want to start a site like this and want my advice as to how to start a site like this and my advice is don’t start a site like this. The reason is not because I don’t want more competition, because I really don’t care about competition because being competitive is too jock for me and jocks fuck each other up the ass in the locker room.
The reason is because everyone thinks they have the capacity to run one of these pieces of shits and thinks that their opinion is better than mine or the next guys and that they could pump this shit out in about an hour a day and make the same as working a 9-5 job, but they don’t realize that they are about 3 years too late and 1000 sites are doing the exact same fucking thing as they want to do and post pretty much the same fuckin’ content as they want to and Say the same thing you have to say."
He says he gets like 5 of those questions a day and was sick of answering the question about how to make a website as cool as his. After I wrote my comment he must have read it because he then writes another blog entry where he discusses my comment.
"I am not dead yet, I just feel like I am. I am sure if I keep the site I will be because when I read comments like this I feel like that person will shoot me one day...."
Then he goes on to post my comment:
I have been meaning to ask you this question for some time and I was way too lazy to ask. I am so glad that some other losers got to you and now I have your answer. If it helps I was writing 5 years ago and I still never made it big and when I discovered your website I thought I found a soul mate but then I posted about my love of jail bait girls on your forum and got banned so now I am reduced to messaging you on the comments which is ironic because you claim to be angry about how nobody reads your site but you ignore all the comments you have gotten from me over the years but what do I care my Internet g/f broke up with me a few months ago so now all I have this ….
Everyone on his website thinks I am a stalker but I don't see that. I see myself as a business person interested in learning about the craft of blogging. I see myself as a bit persecuted because I just write the same lame jokes Jesus does only I don't get anywhere near the traffic and when ever any of the Drunken Stepfather's fans find my blog they get all offended by what I write even though half the time what I am writing is tame by comparison. Jesus loves jail bait more than I do. I watch Nickelodeon but I won't marry some 40 year old just so I can watch her daughter step out of the shower and and "accidentally" drop her towel. I have years of memories stored up from my stepsister for that.
And anyway just because you like something that doesn't mean that you don't know it's wrong. I was gonna say wrong and unnatural but when you think about it for the first million years or so most people were dead before they were 30 so that means they were having kids at 15 so loving on a teenager must be the most natural thing a person can do. I just want you to know that I understand it will get me in jail and I am not comfortable with enclosed spaces. I think they give me nose bleeds.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
I got served with a civil complaint today. Some old woman knocked at my door and asked for a person with my name. She confused me by saying she was an officer of the supreme court and I just figured I was getting arrested again for drinking and driving even though I don't drink and drive anymore. I should no better than to answer the door or admit to being me as it is always bad news when someone is looking for me. I can't believe I let some 60 year old grandma fool me into thinking she was with the court system. I used to work for the courts I guess that is why I got fooled. (I was thinking maybe they had some documents for me from my last job--but come to think of it what government worker works on Sunday? God, I am an idiot.)
It turns out Capital One is suing me over a credit card debt. The financial companies must be desperate as they are now filing suits in small claims courts against their destitute debtors. I have no sympathy for credit card companies and I never intend to pay them back. I feel it my civic duty to steal as much money from them as possible. I am a communist and I feel it is my religious right to withhold money from those greedy capitalist pigs!
The capital one credit card company is suing me for 1100 dollars plus attorney fees and other fees which total out an additional 250 dollars. All this for a card that had a max limit of 500 dollars. Of course I am not sure at all if this suit involves the last credit card I had or not. I have a feeling it could be just as easily my ex wife's card as the the summons had the contract saying it was part of marital property and I am being sued as a husband and wife team even though I haven't been married for 4 years. I payed alimony for a year so the wife could pay off our mutual debt and I would be surprised if she did not as she was always good with the bills and her credit. So maybe they have me confused with a Romius T. that had a 1,400 dollar credit card bill. I sure hope so.
All that is ironic as I was "served" my court papers while watching a report from Bill Moyers on the "industry" which has sprung up around fleecing poor people. I think I will file an answer to this law suit where I will just accuse Capital One Credit Card Company of preying on poor people and call them on their evil tactics. I probably won't get the suit thrown out and I am sure I will lose, but at least I will get a my two cents in. Though I am sure even that plan for revenge won't work/I am sure the justice of the peace won't allow anything into evidence that I will try to bring up. But I will do my best. I just watched one of my fave movies of all time, A FEW GOOD MEN. I am so in the mood for a good legal style smack down. "I am going to slam dunk these guys!"
I guess it is too bad my podcast does not make any money or I could start a legal defense fund with it. I have always wanted to have a legal defense fund. That way I could be just like Bill Clinton. I should answer the civil suit as I am paying for their attorney's fees anyway and they should have to at least work for them. Did I mention my podcast was finally dugged by a super gal who shall remain nameless? I think you long time readers should be shamed and get to stepping on the digging.
This post is kinda depressing. I guess you will have to wait till the next post to see how my "date" with my Google ex gf went. I can tell you it was not a date. I met her at a bar with a few of her friends to hang out as we have not seen each other in almost 3 years. It was a little weird and as always a little dramatic on her end. Some people can't handle their liquor y'all.
Now some google key words Capital One Credit Card Company sucks. Capital One preys on poor people and charges way over the top fees that borderline on the criminal. Capital One hates the working class and poor people and they are stealing your money. Cancel your credit card if you have a Capital One Credit Card. Don't give them any more of your money. Make them sue every single card holder. I hope Capital One goes out of business. Here is a hate site for Capital One: http://gurujeff.com/?p=29
Friday, August 08, 2008
I teach you that you could always try loving me even if I am not so beautiful. The Self Help Guide to Fucking Ugly People.
What makes me angry is all the beating around the bush you do and the pathetic stammering that falls out of your mouth. If you can't lie well enough to fool me then do me the favor of not trying to. Just say something like like, "While you aren't completely attractive, I like your personality, and since I am horny we should hook up." I could believe something like that and I would jump all over your skinny ass and pound away at you with my Vienna sausage for a good three minutes leaving you sad and disappointed and me panting and out of breath because I not in shape.
Thank you for doing me the "favor" of not looking at me 'objectively.'
All your friends are forced to see me objectively, and they think I am obese, or at least overweight, and by overweight I think what you really mean is more than stocky because because in your sweet objective eyes, "I am just stocky" and, "how come I don't see that as a compliment?"
I can't see that as compliment for the same reason I can't discuss current events with you. You are retarded.
My IQ skirts around the price of a barrel of oil these days so I can see past the bullshit and spin you are giving me. For the record: I have been called attractive before.
Sure the women that find me attractive are more like beef cattle than the lithely Miley Cyrus, but nevertheless women are sometimes attracted to me. Some of them think I am cute. Other times they think I am stocky. And of course mostly they think I am ugly and just plain disgusting when I am naked and out of my clothes, but you know I know how to hide all that extra junk in proper fitting attire.
I guess the point I am making is I have experienced genuine compliments before and your insistence that "you are not that unattractive" is an actual compliment is like telling a black person that you never expected them to be, "so eloquent."
Black people don't like to be told they are eloquent even when they are. Even when what you really meant was that you thought they were eloquent as eloquent goes and not just eloquent for a black person and you don't believe in affirmative action so you weren't giving them any.
Expect that black person to punch you in the face. And when they don't and they go and tell on you to someone at human resources don't say I didn't warn you. And for sure don't tell the human resource guy how "surprised you were to be called into his office" as you thought you were "gonna be punched out" and not just "told on," and how you never expected, "even an eloquent black person to settle a dispute with manners and words and not fists," because believe it or not when the human resource guys are black most of them don't have a sense of humor about these things and suggesting something about how you think Bill Cosby is a funny black guy won't score many points for you either. Frankly, I am not sure how a racist like you even keeps a job.
All I know is that deciding who gets to be attractive can be a fickle business, so I try not to get offended when you don't find me attractive as you probably can't help yourself. Nobody chooses who they decide to find attractive. If that were true most of the adult cocker spaniel population of this world would never get laid. But they do and I don't judge you for all the peanut butter you go through, or all the "alone time" you need with your pets.
Dogs have amazing tongues.
I was trying to get this point across to the office slut today. The office slut no longer works with me, but she came in to pick up her last check (a result of my text message to her that she had an additional check which she took as an invitation to have my number which she thought was clever on my part and boy aren't I). She mentioned that her boyfriend had just broke up with her. I figured this might be my last opportunity to get drunk with her and I told her that I am offering a special to all the single ladies I encounter.
The special goes something like this:
- Dinner at Taco Bell where you can order anything you like
- and that means I won't look at you funny when you order the Mexican pizza or the steak quesidella
- a 12 pack of premium domestic beer
- a selection from my Netflix queue
All and all not so shabby when I ran the idea past the middle aged christian vegan. But then again she is a born again christian vegan in her thirties looking for the same, so I think we can all assume she has no chance at marriage, so the fact that she would consider a date with a meat eating agnostic bearing DVD rentals as a kinda good thing as it shows she is ready to lower her standards which is the fastest way to get your dating life to take off.
Somehow slutty office girl thought differently. She pointed out that her minimum offer stands. I have to buy a bottle of patron if I want to get in to her pants. I countered by reminding her that a slutty office girl's stock is slightly higher when she has a job and a source of income that does not include finding men to date her so she can eat when they buy her dinner.
I have a feeling when slutty office girl's final check gets spent I will be getting a call about Taco Bell and how great that sounds. I won't mind that she will need to chug the entire 12 pack of beer down in order to find the strength to unbutton my belt and release the the 38 inch nightmare that is my tummy into her lap. I just hope I can sober her up long enough to fit me get back into it.
Because I am fat I don't really have a problem with other fat bellies. I love em as long as they are attached to a uterus. Had I known about this story from MYFOX news in Kansas City that there is an escort service for men who love pregnant chicks I would have long since given up trying to get myself in shape by working out and just saved all my taco bell money and bought myself a real life pregnant hooker. I wonder if they charge more for lactation...????
Tell the truth. These chicks are hot. They so don't look like the street walkers I encounter at local convenience stores where I buy my R/C cola.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I've worked the past 9 days in row. Even still I will only get half an hour of overtime this week. I picked time for 6 straight days on one pay period and 3 days straight on the next pay period. I will never do that again. I am just a little burned out on work right now. I did find out today that as of August 1st I am officially entitled to health care. Awesome! I can't wait to meet my doctor. I need a prostate exam.
I washed the truck today and it rained like an hour later. I was a little pissed about that, but I guess that is just god's way of showing he is still in charge and when you think about it that way it's kinda sad, so I hope he got his thrill on.
I am giving up soda again. I plan on having a gallon of decaf tea and a gallon of caffeinated tea in the fridge at all times so I won't be tempted to drink coke at home. The loophole is that I can drink a soda when I eat out or go to the movies.
It has been three days since I masturbated. I plan on not masturbating for at least two weeks. I hope to get some of the feeling back in my penis by then. It is time to stop masturbating when porn becomes boring. If you don't you can end up (deleted).**
I don't really have anything exciting to talk about on this blog today. I miss writing so I am just going to type and post and try and remember that nobody reads me anyway, so it doesn't matter that I am boring today because this blog is getting like 30 hits a day now and most of those are not even people looking to read anything I have written, so I think I will just stop writing like this is a destination for readers and more like a place for me to vent and collect my thoughts. If you enjoy it keep coming back.
Recently I've been talking to my ex girlfriend a lot for some strange reason. Thanks to the miracle of Google I was able to relive the last three years of our relationship. The past few years it has been all e-mail and phone calls. I think I saw her last in person 3 years ago. We had a discussion about how the last time we saw each other it was my birthday and we had a lot of fun that night.
I had a party at a local karaoke bar. We were all over each other that night. We made out in front of all my friends and we did not seem to care. She wondered aloud why after such a good time we did not see each other again. She blames some rather cold and mean e-mails that I sent to her. So I looked back at those e-mails (through the magic we call g-mail) and it turns out that for like 4 months I begged her to come see me and she promised she would and then she would flake on me.
My ex is not what you call monogamous. I knew that about her when we met. A few months after the birthday thing I finally got the e-mail that said she was seeing someone else and it had become "serious." I then sent her a few cold e-mails. I do kinda have a gift for them. I looked them over and man. I must say they were pretty awesomely detached and vicious without at all being accusing or directly insulting. I must say I have a gift there. I am pretty good at getting to understand a person emotionally. I can then really go after a persons weaknesses like a razor cutting into bar soap.
Her flailing responses I dodged effortlessly. She even mentioned in one e-mail that she thought that I was talking down to her. I was. I can't wait to talk to her so I can outline the timeline of events that let up to our break up. In our conversations we were mentioning the people we slept with after we broke up. She let it slip that she had sex with some guy from her work while she was going to math class. I did a little Google email search for school and discovered that was right around my birthday.
I will let the readers of this blog draw their own conclusions. I just know that for some reason it got me a little sad to read out old history and I am now drinking one of the the three beers I have in the fridge. Ice cold.
My Google ex girl friend is all wrong for me. But she fits the profile of women I fall for. The cool calculated distance of trashy white girls who never learned about emotions. They are abused by most of the men in their lives but sometimes find the nice guy to be a respite from the chaos and chain smoking in their lives. I am a sucker for women who don't want to give me what I need to feel secure because I guess I need to feel abandoned to feel loved and I guess I can blame my parents for that.
That a was a bit melodramatic and let me be the first to apologize. I hardly need to blame my parents for everything that goes wrong in my life. I don't like those bloggers or those people for that matter. I was just attempting a bit of self analysis in the classical Freudian tradition. I won't bother to edit any of this out.
I am not too sure why I get jealous anyway. I have all these cuckolding and pregnancy fetishes she could probably help me out with. She has two kids and she likes to have sex with men as long as they are not me.
FROM METAFILTER A RECENT POST
Cuckhold Pregnancy: the ultimate expression of a lifestyle. Being deceived into raising another man's child would be a nightmare for most men. For other's, it's the ultimate hot fantasy. Taking it to the extreme of having your wife bear another man's child is a suprising (to me) twist on the Cuckhold fantasy. Interestingly, it seems to dovetail with another sexual fetish previously discussed on Metafilter. Oh yeah, NSFW !!!!
I've been talking to my ex for about an hour a night for the last few nights which is kinda weird. We have not talked this much in a while. She used to like calling me on the way to work because she can't figure out how to install an ipod in her car and she doesn't have the patience to discover the funniness that is this the self help podcast.
The podcast has finally been digged by another person. I just want to thank her. YOU Rock! I hope one day to get you some gravy for all your efforts. I know you don't want the gravy, but trust me once you get a little gravy you will love it.
Like I said I was reading through the old g-mail I write the ex and I wrote her a lot of funny ass shit. I wrote her a deleted scene from A Few Good Men after she asked me to go to a movie.
"I don't have any plans as of yet for the weekend, so a movie sounds nice. But it does suspiciously sound like a date, I have not been on one in years but..."
Deleted Scene from a A FEW GOOD MEN DVD
"I have been asked out on a date before and it sounds a lot like that..."
"You like seafood...I know a good seafood shop...Wait a minute, your a 5 foot 3 freaky, gay, Scientologist and your telling me you've been asked on a date before?"
Don't tell me about the History of Psychiatry, you don't know the history...I have done the research..."
Wow. I should really be writing for the onion or something. Maybe I could at least find a way to not make 10 dollars an hour less than a woman with the IQ of a small squirrel. I must be intentionally doing this to myself. I can see no logical reason why the entire world is able to earn more money than me. If I at all subscribed to theories of self sabotage I would have to label my behavior as exactly that rather than simply slackerdom or underachievement. I mean I love the girl but she really is as close to a retarded person as I feel comfortable talking to.
We should really only talk for like half an hour. I run out of things to talk about pretty quickly with her. Then she repeats stories about her kids or her life. We have known each other for 5 years so I have heard most of the good stories by now.
Ok, I am running out of thing to say and I am done with my beer.
I should mention that I find Sydney Pollack to be one of the most underrated directors of our time. I am watching the Yakuza on the Netflix. A good flick.
** His royal highness King George the Third has deleted this section from this journal. If you require access to this material and hold a stage 7 pass please press ctrl alt del ...now....
I am drinking the second beer. I have had three solid bowel movements in a row. I attribute this to eating Rasin Bran for breakfast.
Watch the trailer for a few good men and you will never want to watch the movie. The trailer is cut straight out of 1953.
If anyone knows where I can find the scene I am spoofing please email it to me.
Friday, August 01, 2008
I started blogging 5 years ago on March 5, 20003. I was working for the local county at a self help center and library. I sold divorce forms and helped people get restraining orders. I used to save lives for a living before I bagged your groceries.
The court house and self help center (hence the name of the blog y'all) had a library inside it that was not staffed by a trained librarian. Instead I worked in it. People would get mad at me when they asked me to help them do legal research, and I would try to find them books and then even point at the page with the words they needed to read. They usually got pissed off at me when I told them they had to read and asked my why I just couldn't tell them what they needed to know.
I wrote a post about a funny incident where a woman screamed at me that, "she drove all the way down here just so she wouldn't have to read anything!" I enjoyed telling my early readers about those kind of patrons. I started the blog as a place where I could go to vent about my daily experiences.
I needed a place to vent because I wanted to tell my customers that I was not their lawyer, and they were in a library, and libraries have books, and when someone who worked at a library found the book you requested they were usually a little more thankful.
But the Internet is a lot like a legal library in a self help center- full of people who don't like reading. I guess that is why after 4 years of hard work this blog still only gets a hundred or so hits a day and most of those hits are searches for pictures of Kara Borden, and according to my stats those people stay on my site for exactly zero seconds on average which I guess means they never even look at the pictures they are searching for which when you think about it would really explain why 50% of the population of the United States supports off shore drilling because they believe that oil production can begin in less than a year.
There should be a law that states that every time someone on TV says they support opening Alaska or the beaches of Florida to oil companies that a little disclaimer should pop up and remind the stupid audience that new oil production takes at least 1o years and all that production would probably shave off only a few pennies from the cost of a gallon, and if the government had simply raised the mileage requirements on new cars by 2 miles a gallon we could save more oil than all the oil in ANWR Dick Cheney can get his grubby little hands on, but don't count on any such thing ever happening as we all know pop ups would not get read by the masses anyway, so I guess it is all a big waste of time registering to vote for Obama, because the Republicans have given up on trying to win the old fashioned way (with votes) and have instead decided that what this "democracy" needs is a little less voter turnout and a little more voter manipulation.
Let's get back to the story of my blog. I started blogging 5 years ago, but back then blogger really sucked. One day I woke up and I noticed that blogger had lost all my posts. I "rebooted" the Self Help Center a year later July 30, 2004 and I can't say which date should be used as the start date of this blog. I always hoped that one of my super fans would start a wiki entry about me, or this would become a topic in the forums I created for the podcast. That way maybe we could all decide what the "official" start date should be. I guess I would vote for July date as I have only one post from the year before.
Over the years this blog has taken on a number of incarnations. After my boss discovered that I blogged about my job I got fired. I never became the Internet icon the very first fired blogger did. I never got famous or a book deal like the flight attendant that got fired for posting so called "racy" pictures. But unlike either of those bloggers I did not have the foresight to be born cute and blonde.
Maybe I never got famous because my early blog writing was bad. I never used spell check. My grammar was terrible. I wrote in between customers at a very busy library. As much as I liked to brag that I never worked I actually was quite busy most days.
For a while after I got fired I tried to make this blog an aggregator of amusing news, interesting science and funny gossip. That idea never caught on even when I tried devoting a new blog (does anyone remember the romiustexis blog?) just for that purpose. I think a few people liked it. The idiot savant left me a comment on that blog. For a while he was like a big blogger.
The next phase in this blog was my attempt to create a blog devoted to news from the Surveillance society. I am confident that nobody ever gave a rat's shit about that.
Since then I have gone for mixing my real life with the fictional character we all know and love as Romius T. He likes to get drunk and look at pictures of Miley Cyrus. Me and t. have some similarities. I guess the reason I am not famous now is that you can't make snide comments about teen girls when you are in your 30's because all the soccer moms who read blogs (only you and soccer moms read blogs) get creeped out by how turned on I am by their daughters and how disgusted I am with their cellulite and bronzer. All the perverts who might like my sight get bored when they can't download any attachments with c/p in them. (That's child porn for those who are not part of the lifestyle.) And all the jocks who like misogynistic jokes prefer videos of crotch shots and less reading than this blog offers, so I guess I am just stuck with the 5 people who read me and most of them when it comes down to it won't learn a thing about digg.com and make my podcast popular by digging it.
Not that I am bitter or anything. I like reading your blogs. I have a few blog friends for life who have awesome blogs. Katie, D Cup, Frieda Bee, Monkey Muck, Freddy and the whole gang over at the Daily Brimstone. I have a really special love of two blogs who have been around since this blog got created and who have been more than supportive: The Drug Monkey (Master of Pharmacy and my hero) and my blog/internet crush Jezebels Riot. (I want to marry you when you get divorced and I won't care that you are in your mid thirties with a c/section scar from having 12 kids from another man.)
I've left out a few people. You know who you are and thanks for reading me and many thanks for the kind words and support over the year or years that you have read this silly blog. If you have never made yourself known but you read this blog maybe you want to add your story about why you read this blog, how long you have been reading it, and how you came across it in the comment section of this post.
I've half-assed this blog like I have half-assed everything in my life and I guess when it comes down to it that's why nobody likes me and nobody reads me. I was going to add all kinds of pictures and links in this post so that it would look real nice and professional, but that would be out of character for this blog and for me. I figure anyone reading this blog knows about Dooce and already has Katie and Frieda bee in their Google reader, so why should I go through the trouble of finding a photo of that flight attendant who moans to this day about getting fired and still can't get over it? Many of you new readers had no clue this stupid blog got me fired and I think that's about the only thing that makes me proud about this blog.
So where is this blog going? I have no idea. I keep thinking I want to write a novel. Only I don't know how to write novels. I am not any good at writing narratives. I don't have a grasp of the mechanics of novel writing either. The only thing I could do is gather a few of the anecdotes of my drinking along with a few of the more ridiculous pronouncements on the state of male/female relationships and try and package it as some kind of comedy spoof pop up book for dummies. I don't really see that happening either.
I will continue with bouts of regret and shame over the immaturity and awfulness that passes as commentary on this blog. I will record for posterity a glimpse at my life as it goes by. That way when I am 50 and dying of prostate cancer I can remember that my life was pretty empty and meaningless and I should not be so sad to see if leave so early. Maybe I can accept death with a little more dignity. I doubt it though. I don't believe in God, and I don't believe in an after life which you might think would make the agnostic/atheist in me a little more hungry for doing stuff in this life since it is all we get. But I tend to think that stuff doesn't matter since we all die in the end anyway.
I hope I didn't spoil the ending for you.
Good Nite and Good luck,