Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Is it that I only blog on my days off now?

I wished I could tell you about all the drama that is going down at work. But I can't. There are things that even I feel warrant discretion about. So I am not going to blog about any of that. If I did you would so love the gossip, I promise.

I've worked the past 9 days in row. Even still I will only get half an hour of overtime this week. I picked time for 6 straight days on one pay period and 3 days straight on the next pay period. I will never do that again. I am just a little burned out on work right now. I did find out today that as of August 1st I am officially entitled to health care. Awesome! I can't wait to meet my doctor. I need a prostate exam.

I washed the truck today and it rained like an hour later. I was a little pissed about that, but I guess that is just god's way of showing he is still in charge and when you think about it that way it's kinda sad, so I hope he got his thrill on.

I am giving up soda again. I plan on having a gallon of decaf tea and a gallon of caffeinated tea in the fridge at all times so I won't be tempted to drink coke at home. The loophole is that I can drink a soda when I eat out or go to the movies.

It has been three days since I masturbated. I plan on not masturbating for at least two weeks. I hope to get some of the feeling back in my penis by then. It is time to stop masturbating when porn becomes boring. If you don't you can end up (deleted).**

I don't really have anything exciting to talk about on this blog today. I miss writing so I am just going to type and post and try and remember that nobody reads me anyway, so it doesn't matter that I am boring today because this blog is getting like 30 hits a day now and most of those are not even people looking to read anything I have written, so I think I will just stop writing like this is a destination for readers and more like a place for me to vent and collect my thoughts. If you enjoy it keep coming back.

Recently I've been talking to my ex girlfriend a lot for some strange reason. Thanks to the miracle of Google I was able to relive the last three years of our relationship. The past few years it has been all e-mail and phone calls. I think I saw her last in person 3 years ago. We had a discussion about how the last time we saw each other it was my birthday and we had a lot of fun that night.

I had a party at a local karaoke bar. We were all over each other that night. We made out in front of all my friends and we did not seem to care. She wondered aloud why after such a good time we did not see each other again. She blames some rather cold and mean e-mails that I sent to her. So I looked back at those e-mails (through the magic we call g-mail) and it turns out that for like 4 months I begged her to come see me and she promised she would and then she would flake on me.

My ex is not what you call monogamous. I knew that about her when we met. A few months after the birthday thing I finally got the e-mail that said she was seeing someone else and it had become "serious." I then sent her a few cold e-mails. I do kinda have a gift for them. I looked them over and man. I must say they were pretty awesomely detached and vicious without at all being accusing or directly insulting. I must say I have a gift there. I am pretty good at getting to understand a person emotionally. I can then really go after a persons weaknesses like a razor cutting into bar soap.

Her flailing responses I dodged effortlessly. She even mentioned in one e-mail that she thought that I was talking down to her. I was. I can't wait to talk to her so I can outline the timeline of events that let up to our break up. In our conversations we were mentioning the people we slept with after we broke up. She let it slip that she had sex with some guy from her work while she was going to math class. I did a little Google email search for school and discovered that was right around my birthday.

I will let the readers of this blog draw their own conclusions. I just know that for some reason it got me a little sad to read out old history and I am now drinking one of the the three beers I have in the fridge. Ice cold.

My Google ex girl friend is all wrong for me. But she fits the profile of women I fall for. The cool calculated distance of trashy white girls who never learned about emotions. They are abused by most of the men in their lives but sometimes find the nice guy to be a respite from the chaos and chain smoking in their lives. I am a sucker for women who don't want to give me what I need to feel secure because I guess I need to feel abandoned to feel loved and I guess I can blame my parents for that.

That a was a bit melodramatic and let me be the first to apologize. I hardly need to blame my parents for everything that goes wrong in my life. I don't like those bloggers or those people for that matter. I was just attempting a bit of self analysis in the classical Freudian tradition. I won't bother to edit any of this out.

I am not too sure why I get jealous anyway. I have all these cuckolding and pregnancy fetishes she could probably help me out with. She has two kids and she likes to have sex with men as long as they are not me.


Cuckhold Pregnancy: the ultimate expression of a lifestyle. Being deceived into raising another man's child would be a nightmare for most men. For other's, it's the ultimate hot fantasy. Taking it to the extreme of having your wife bear another man's child is a suprising (to me) twist on the Cuckhold fantasy. Interestingly, it seems to dovetail with another sexual fetish previously discussed on Metafilter. Oh yeah, NSFW !!!!

I've been talking to my ex for about an hour a night for the last few nights which is kinda weird. We have not talked this much in a while. She used to like calling me on the way to work because she can't figure out how to install an ipod in her car and she doesn't have the patience to discover the funniness that is this the self help podcast.

The podcast has finally been digged by another person. I just want to thank her. YOU Rock! I hope one day to get you some gravy for all your efforts. I know you don't want the gravy, but trust me once you get a little gravy you will love it.

Like I said I was reading through the old g-mail I write the ex and I wrote her a lot of funny ass shit. I wrote her a deleted scene from A Few Good Men after she asked me to go to a movie.

"I don't have any plans as of yet for the weekend, so a movie sounds nice. But it does suspiciously sound like a date, I have not been on one in years but..."

Deleted Scene from a A FEW GOOD MEN DVD


"I have been asked out on a date before and it sounds a lot like that..."

Demi Moore:

"You like seafood...I know a good seafood shop...Wait a minute, your a 5 foot 3 freaky, gay, Scientologist and your telling me you've been asked on a date before?"


Don't tell me about the History of Psychiatry, you don't know the history...I have done the research..."

Wow. I should really be writing for the onion or something. Maybe I could at least find a way to not make 10 dollars an hour less than a woman with the IQ of a small squirrel. I must be intentionally doing this to myself. I can see no logical reason why the entire world is able to earn more money than me. If I at all subscribed to theories of self sabotage I would have to label my behavior as exactly that rather than simply slackerdom or underachievement. I mean I love the girl but she really is as close to a retarded person as I feel comfortable talking to.

We should really only talk for like half an hour. I run out of things to talk about pretty quickly with her. Then she repeats stories about her kids or her life. We have known each other for 5 years so I have heard most of the good stories by now.

Ok, I am running out of thing to say and I am done with my beer.

I should mention that I find Sydney Pollack to be one of the most underrated directors of our time. I am watching the Yakuza on the Netflix. A good flick.

** His royal highness King George the Third has deleted this section from this journal. If you require access to this material and hold a stage 7 pass please press ctrl alt del

1:21 am

I am drinking the second beer. I have had three solid bowel movements in a row. I attribute this to eating Rasin Bran for breakfast.

Watch the trailer for a few good men and you will never want to watch the movie. The trailer is cut straight out of 1953.

If anyone knows where I can find the scene I am spoofing please email it to me.


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Porn boring? We must not be looking at the same porn.

Romius T. said...

perhaps you need to send the correct porn my way. don't forget all I have is porn, you have a lady friend. All porn all day gets boring is the point I think i was making. If porn is a drity secret for alone time when the g/f is out shopping then it becomes taboo and awesome again!