Saturday, December 30, 2006

Knock... Knock. "Who's there?" "It's the FBI and we're listening on all your phone calls, is that cool?"

No it is not Mr. FBI man. Please hang up or at least offer to pay for half of the cost of my phone sex conversations. Mistress Sally charges 19.99 for 20 minutes and that's a lot of dough for an unemployed blogger. If she finds out someone else is listening in on us she might double the charge.

I guess the FBI liked it when cellular phone providers updated their phones with GPS technology so they can find out that I tend to do my masturbating at the nearby Wendy's once a week. You can't Find Osama, but you can hear me jacking off.

I just want to alert my family that ABC news is reporting how the FBI listens to your cell phone even if you turn the power off. So maybe that whole blow up during Christmas dinner is looking pretty justified. And Bloomberg is reporting that all the CCTV's in England are going to start talking back to you.

I think I read about this in a book somewhere. Nah, that was fiction.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Sports Break II. Updating My Fantasy Football Team's quest for Awesomeness!

Not all my posts can rock as hard as my Fantasy Football team.

My team is in a double game elimination showdown for awesomeness. Right now my team's awesomeness is just 4 points down. Next week will be the key. The title is up for grabs.

But I am going to win. I just know it.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

If you meet a Wangster and it's a 19 year old blonde girl. Trust me. She's as hard as she says she is.

Things are looking up again. If you had gotten used to my new posting pattern then you might be worried that I wasn't posting daily anymore. And wondered what I was up to.

Don't. I was just out of cola. When I am out of cola I can't function.

Speaking of people who barely fuction I "hung" out with Jeramey and his friends the other night. Which means I stayed at home and his friends got high on the reefer in my garage. I didn't mind it that much since my stepmom and dad were visiting and I needed help entertaining them.

One of those entertainers wanted to get a tattoo.

"I want to get a tattoo." She might have looked like the new Britney Spears, but she had been to Jail plenty. Enough that she wanted to get a tattoo that read "Fuck the Po-lice." Why?

"Because anytime you go to jail the cops ask if you have any tattoos."

Good one.

You are probably thinking that a girl like that needs to get a good plan together for her life. But I've got to admire anyone who has that much of a hold on their lives.

If you know you life is going to be spent answering assenine questions to the police in holding tanks it's good to have ready-made-answers like FUCK THE PO-LICE!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Woman has Two Vaginas

Holy Crap. I just don't know what to say about this. How can this be true?

I didn’t know anything was different about me until I was fifteen. I was having all sorts of pain—woman stuff—but I’d get it checked out, and they wouldn’t find anything wrong. I guess the eighth doctor was more thorough. I remember I was lying there, and I heard her say, “Oops.”

What I’ve got is a rare condition called didelphic uterus—two vaginas, two cervices, and two uteruses. I look completely normal from the outside, but there’s a septum inside where everything branches into two. My doctor says I’m one in a million.

For a while I thought I was a total freak. I lost my virginity twice. The first time was when I was eighteen. Then I lost the other side two weeks later. To the same guy. You’d think I could have saved one of them for marriage.

Just like a woman not to at least save one of them for a Rainy Day or something. Does that mean you get twice the menses?
Can you think of the mess that poor JEWKAT would leave behind if she came double loaded.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

As I type this I want to wish you all a Happy Festivus

And I want to remind you that all this typing I am doing is building huge finger muscles for me. Specifically my ring finger on my right hand. I am not sure why only the right ring finger of my hand is developing such massive muscles of weight lifter proportions. But I know it's happening. I can't deny it any longer.

I wonder how I will get through life now that I have such a "misshapen" hand. Most of you will laugh. You should know better than that. The might I now have in my finger may upset the balance of power in the known universe.

Ponder. And beware. And Happy Festivus!!!

Friday, December 22, 2006

When the Laughter Dies: Blogging the loss of privacy in the age of the internet mob.

I don't care if the Terrorists win.

I don't have anything to lose anyway.

Like most other bloggers I am an unemployed sexual deviant who lives in his mother's basement. The closest I get to screwing a girl is fist fucking Rosie Palm after decorating her in my cousin's dirtiest Barbie doll outfits.

A number of those deviant basement bottom dwellers survive and prosper because they have developed a relationship with their readers. They call it a community in the blogger world. Even this tiny blog has a culture and small readership community.

And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I've always encouraged participation here and will continue to do so in the future.

And I have no problem with how most other blogging communities handle themselves either. I consider myself an admirer of Podcasts such as KATG and Ze Frank. They have an economic model they can pursue because of fan loyalty and community support.

I am just not too sure if bloggers understand their power yet. None of them had time to learn to deal with the ferocity of allegiance they can command, like say a Howard Stern has.

Recently on The Show with Ze Frank he suggested that members of his community adopt a myspace friend. All of his fans would bombard the "deserving" but nearly friendless victim. A prank. Funny and harmless really. I am sure the "victim" would be flattered by all the attention and revel in the amusement of being pranked by so many people at once.

But Ze does admonish his followers to beware of "looking like spam, whatever that is." So even a relatively harmless joke has the danger of misperception. And apparently some of Ze Frank's followers are in danger of changing into a tin can of salted meat.

I am astutely aware of how this weblog can appear to some people. I was recently tipped to an "inappropriate" posting I made on this blog which many people in a particular community felt went too far.

Maybe it did. I tend to cross the line to find out where I can next draw it.

I decided to review the post and I removed it. While I corrected the problem and that could have been the end of it, I think not. Why not take this oppurtunity to lecture others? It could be instructive if some of the "A" list bloggers and podcasters out there took the time to consider the direction and intent of their communities. They need to understand the responsibility that comes with reaching large audiences in the age of the internet.

Old school and mainstream media were founded on the ideal of the public good. They served the public interest and their existence was predicated on the belief that they actually served something more than the private interests that financed the publication.

Today's mass media serve only private tastes. It is formed in the uncensored unconscious mind. Private thoughts are no longer constrained within the minds or journals of their creators. Instead they are vomited on the anonymous Internet. Releasing the private unconscious over the the false anonymity of the internet only reinforces our unconscious impulses. We feel safe to create. But that privacy is an illusion.

My illusion of privacy was broken a long time ago. I have a past that makes me sensitive to those efforts. It should have made me more careful about what I post, and made me sensitive to the potential ways I might break the privacy of others.

All I can say is that it has not been enough. I've been fired for posting on this blog. I guess it takes a long time for me to learn lessons. Probably has something to do with my frontal lobes malfunctioning. I am working on it. May I suggest humbly that other communities do so as well?

One might consider a community broken after communities stop being gathering places for the like-minded and descend into a state of mobbery. For instance, after an anonymous poster recently suggested his community had begun to secretly orchestrate against me. Efforts were "put into tracking you down was no doubt to reassure her that we knew who you were and where you were. " This little fact finding mission KATG members started could have been just an attempt to put their minds at ease. It just as easily could have spiraled into something dangerous for yours truly.

Privacy may be gone. Somebody famous said that. So it must be true. And there is no going back. But there are ways to handle situations before they spiral out of control.

First I would suggest that communication is important. Many times people are unaware of their wrong doing. Pointing out a problem quickly and directly is a requirement for citizenship in the blogging communities.

Often the problem ends there. Encouraging a bloggers courtesy will typically resolve any problems that a lawsuit doesn't cover. Removing the "citizenship" of the offender can act as a powerful punishment to the guilty.

If common sense can guide us in our efforts to deal with individual offenders, what guides the community at large? The first step is to examine critically a communities policing. At a certain point the mob mentality can reach critical mass.

How to know if your community has reached the Crisis of Mob Mentality:
  • The creator of leader of the blogging community losses control of the direction or intention of the blogging citizens.

  • Threats of violence

  • Cyberstalking i.e. abusing or flaming individuals, harassment at work or in the non-digital world.

  • Releasing of private information onto the internet.

Act before it takes place to encourage responsible behavior by setting a good example yourself. And take responsibility. It's the creator's job to make sure the community is policing itself through courtesy, not torches.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

A sports break. My fantasy football team could kick your fantasy football team's ass.

Yeah, that's right I said it. My fantasy football team rocks. I just defeated the league's "best" team. Not once, but twice! And they were 12-1 before the double elimination playoff match.

I rule! And so does a certain Indianapolis quarterback I was told not to draft in the first round. I also took a chance on Ahman Green, and not just because he's a possible Muslim. But because who'd thought he could regain his former 1,000 yard a year form?

Me. That's who. I have entered exactly 2 fantasy football tournaments and I have made the Superbowl both times. Do not mock my abilities. I believe my finish this year cements my reputation as an amazing fantasy 'baller. Cemented like concrete. Which I hear the Egyptians favored for creating kick ass pyramids. Not as kick ass my Team USSR fantasy football team. But close.

This post is dedicated to all those readers who feel disappointed by my failure to allow them to root for my FF team every week. Sorry. Don't forget to keep us in your prayers this playoff week.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Robots Will Get Rights

The United Kingdom, home of the world's most surveilled people, have just issued a death warrant on the human race.

“If we make conscious robots they would want to have rights and they probably should,” said Henrik Christensen, director of the Centre of Robotics and Intelligent Machines at the Georgia Institute of Technology."

"Visions of the status of robots around 2056 have emerged from one of 270 forward-looking papers sponsored by Sir David King, the UK government’s chief scientist. The paper covering robots’ rights was written by a UK partnership of Outsights, the management consultancy, and Ipsos Mori, the opinion research organisation."

Podcast Test 2

The World's worst Podcast just had it's second test run. Things don't appear ready for prime time. But music was played. So that must be good.

Test # 3 will have some interesting things. This week in news of the surveillance society.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Thomas Pynchon hates his family too

Pynchon is such a moody artistic ass that he won't show up to his nieces big movie opening.

Just because the big movie opening is a porn movie. Ever read a book by Mr. Pynchon? Well he has erotic imagery in it. The least he could do is give his family members enough money so they can get addicted to crack or show up to their pathetic public attempts at attention seeking.

Either way I blame Thomas for two things. The proliferation of "famous authors" niece porn. And his nieces decision to get that flabby belly button pierced.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Hayden Panettiere is My HERO

She plays the indestructible teenaged cheerleader on NBC. But all her superpowers combined were unable to fend off the advances of "Creepy 31 Year old Record Producer Guy."

I take comfort in that. I think me and Hayden will be BFF soon.

Hearting Jailbait is wrong. Maybe you should just erase me from your RSS feed now. Before the Feds do.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Jeramey has an alter ego. Meet Cody.

"They took everything away from me. My cars, my house, my things. They even put my dogs down."

I think one of his eyes made contact with me. I wished his teeth hadn't. His black eye peas were spitting at me distracting me from watching another Rockets 4th quarter collapse.

Luther Head just fouled off the ball with under 2 minutes to play. I can't believe you can make that kind of bone-headed play and still call yourself a professional, Luther.

"I got 2 more days before I go back in. I'll be going in for 7 to 9 months."

Where is my brother? He's in the bathroom cleaning off the 3 gallons of puke from his shirt. Before Cody and Jeramey walked in with their puke stained jeans and shirts I got excited because Jenny walked in the house alone.

She was talkative. Flushed from drinking. When I got up to get myself a beer she kept talking to me. She seemed unusually interested in speaking to me. I think it was the first time that she intitiated a conversation with me.

I guess she was preparing me for the amount of puke I was going to see on Jeramey. She mentioned she once puked on her steering wheel while driving home. "Puked all over it." And kept driving. She's a trooper like that.
"Well that sucks for you."

I did my best to affect some sympathy in my voice. Then turned my head to address Cody.

"Why did they put your dogs down?" I hate to admit it, but I was curious why the cops put his dogs down.

"They put the dogs down because they tried to bite the cops when they came to arrest me."
"Well that makes sense." I reply.

Cody is not nearly as excited about the game as I am. Cody wants to discuss why his previous trip to prison lasted 18 days.

"Last time I was in I got 5 day. Then I hit a {expletive deleted} and got 5 more days. When they finally put me in the general population I saw the {expletive deleted again} and kicked his ass again. So I got 9 more days."

"So you don't mind going back to jail then?" I ask.

"Not at all. It don't bother me a bit. I've been to Juvenile for 3 years. I've been to jail lots in my life."

I am sure you have. But I have no intention of leaving with you when you're finally done cleaning the puke off and leave. I don't really want to get drunk with you. I think you're kinda scary. And I hang out in dive bars all the time. So I think I know why I am scared.

Go ahead and take Jenny with you. She'll drive off in her Mustang with her passed out boyfriend on the passenger side.

This post is dedicated to how effective Smush Parker can be in the second half and overtime.

Does this mean that I will have to stop my Jailbait of the Week profile?

I already have enough problems with my comments. Now McCain wants bloggers to police its commenters.

"McCain Wants to Require Bloggers, not just MySpace, to police its commenters.'s Declan McCullagh reports that McCain has draft legislation that would make any blogger with a comment section liable for damages unless they report child pornography or obscene images. Really this has nothing to do with sucking up to radical Christian fundamentalists and feeding the fears of suburban parents in the run-up to McCain's presidential bill."

My list of things that make it hard to be a pervert.

  1. Perverted

  2. Yahoo removing chat rooms for teens

  3. Non-stripper females in Gentlemen's clubs

  4. Dateline NBC

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Missing me?

Some of you are having problems with comments.

Go here for a fix.

You're worried when you can't get a hold of me. I know. I missed you too! It's OK though. We're not fighting or anything. You've done nothing wrong and you're not in trouble.

It was somebody else's fault. I blame the ninjas.

I know I have been memed more times that you care to read. Like my ex-GF on myspace I will saturate your In-box till it is full of mindless crap.

But it is the only way I can keep track of who my ex-girlfriend is fucking, so I never complain directly to her about my inbox.

So I guess I wish you wouldn't complain to me directly either. Though I have noticed how my comments have dried up over the past few days with all "edgier" material.

I miss your comments and meme requests. Somehow I convinced Kate that memes are not real science. But now I have a new friend. And while he couldn't come up with 6 weird things we didn't know about evil Vulcans, I expect he thinks I will have an easier time coming up with my list.

He's wrong. My entire blog career consists in pointing out weird things about me. I am not sure that I have 6 left. If I did have 6 more weird things they would be quite embarrassing for you to read.

1. Like I might be a stepsister fucker.

Let me explain. I was pre-teen. My step sister was a whore. And I always wondered if a finger could fit "in there."

2. I can't remember the last time I had sex.

Let me explain. After reading the first point you need further explanation? I was abused. And the "kicks" you get from finger banging relatives cannot compare to "kicks" one gets by getting laid the usual way. Date rape is a close second. But I have no idea how to get a hold of Rohypnol.

3. I caught my brother blowing his nose in the family's towels. Every day my mind drifts back to the horror of that moment.

4. I am a member of the Communist Party USA.

5. I love citizen band radio.

6. I pick my nose to much. But I read somewhere that it might be good for you. So suck on that, America.

I hereby MEME Foxxxylove, Jezebel, Knows it all,and the Real Salty Senorita . If I thought Utter wonder & Drunkenstepfather would then I would meme them too!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Make Me Famous, I'll make you famous. Then we can lie down in bed and rub money all over each other. I just hope your boy bits aren't bigger

First of all I don't really think it is going to take peeing all over my cousin on my incest webcam to become famous. I'm sure someone has already done that, so it wouldn't very unique or anything special.

And like my cousin says through a stream of urine "that's some warm ass piss in my mouth."

But that's not all she says. She also says things like "pornography is violence." I remind her that violence is hitting. And then I punch her in the face. Just to make sure she remembers. My cousin has a Ph.d in annoying normally, but she can shut the fuck up quickly when she needs to.

Not that it's not fun to listen to hear moan sometimes about men. How we're all rapists I mean. I wonder after my cousin says retarded things about men if she ever considers how men treat other men. Does she think it's with kid gloves? All Hooter's and strip clubs? Because I seem to recall men are not very nice to other men. Actually we're kinda bitches.

I don't want to be President of Harvard, but men and women often have a different take on things. What you call my objectification, I'll call Romance. Who's to say how I should conceive romance? I say don't be such a Notion Nazi.

This post isn't dedicated to you. Even if you think it is. So stop thinking this post is about you. It's about me, baby. It's always about me.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I Don't Want To be "U" Tubed

It didn't take Jeramey long to get over his failure to get me out of the house. Instead Jeramey brought the Real Palmetto here. To my house.

At least that is how I will describe the Redneck boxing matches that took place today. My Pops decided he would rather go back to the Fifth Wheel than take a chance that our illegal boxing show couldn't get us arrested.

To the lady holding the Video Camera I can only say, "I don't wish to be You Tubed."

After editing out any of the clips that accidentaly get me in the shot, I will post said video.

That's right. I just said it. I will be posting redneck boxing matches that were held out in front of my home.

Somebody shoot me.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I thought I was a celebrity blogger

How can it get to this point?


"You should start an advice column on the internets. On what not to do with your life."

I know I haven't in so many words explained to my dear readers my desire to become a celebrity blogger. But I was hoping that you would just get the point. I am not into conflict and I didn't want to add any drama to our already unstable relationship.

Getting me to the million dollar salary may require a few of you to do something other than read the "one post" on my blog that matches your Google search.

Otherwise I don't see why I should write such interesting posts that you can search for mork and mindy gum egg and somehow get a response to read.

I know I have those 4 or 5 fans. You guys check my site 2 or three times a day. But I need an army. A nation of worshipers who will do my bidding. Otherwise trying to convince my Dad that the only example I can be is the example to avoid being is going to a hell of a difficult task.

I might have to get a job, a woman, a house, a god. And vote Republican.

Robots...Robots ...Robots

Metafilter devotes an entire paragraph of links about robots.

"Sherry Turkle, who used to believe in the benefits of robot pets, has changed her tune and now "finds human-machine love unsettling (pdf)". Tyrell:"We began to recognize in them a strange obsession. After all, they are emotionally inexperienced, with only a few years in which to store up the experiences which you and I take for granted. If we gift them with a past, we create a cushion or a pillow for their emotions, and consequently, we can control them better." Was he referring to us or them?"

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Google in bed with CIA

Google's motto may be "do no evil." But revelations that Google may be in bed with the CIA call into question the nature of good and evil when it comes to privacy on the net.

Geez, that almost sounded like I worked for the Associated Press, huh? I didn't even slip in any mentions that you caught me masturbating to the Sears' catalog. Don't get me wrong I love Google. Google even informed me when my last girlfriend broke up with me. Google helps me find porn. We just have to worry about Google the same way we worry about any company with nearly unlimited power.

According to the not so reliable source Prison Planet, the CIA gave Google some start up money. Google's relationship with the CIA has caused them to censor some websites and manipulate page rankings of critical stories. In addition Google admits to a program that taps in to your homes by listening in on your computer's microphones.

I am sure the CIA would have no interest in such a program.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Freedom? I don't need your stinking freedoms...

"Big Brother" is up to it again.

And I don't mean peeking into your underwear drawer and borrowing your panties for a little masturbatory fun. No I mean the bad kind of big brother watching.

England is fast becoming a dream come true for Orwellian irony lovers. The nightmare state is soon to be the home of RFID chips and unmanned blimps listening to your conversations on the street.

"In a new report entitled A Surveillance Society, information commissioner Richard Thomas predicts a world in 2016 where technology is extensively and routinely used to track and record people's activities and movements."

Meanwhile in the United States we have an ex speaker of the house and candidate for president advocating elimination of the First Amendment.

And more secret monitoring and "domestic intelligence-gathering on U.S. citizens" by the government of the world's freest peoples. It's been reported by Unclaimed Territory that the Federal Aviation Agency has assigned risk assessments to every passenger flying in America. Of course you have no right to contest the records that will be kept on file for 40 years or even review them for accuracy.

Update 1

And more news. The FBI is spying on you by listening to you when your cellphone is turned off.

Anyone care to join me in the revolution before it is too late?