Monday, February 26, 2007

My favorite movies always have a way of coming true.

Planet of the Apes. The original not the crap remake, maybe coming true. It seems some Chimps are arming themselves with spears. That's not good. As anyone who has seen Battle for the Planet of the Apes knows what happens to the humans.

Enjoy what time we have left.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

He leans in close to me. It's loud and he thinks he has to get this close to me so I can hear him. But he is just drunk close.

"We should go pick up our friend Houseman.*"

"I just need to warn you. If we do pick Houseman up he will be wearing a bathrobe. We will have to interrupt his all night video game session and his dogs will lick at you. Constantly."

I can say with pride that the description I gave to my friend about Houseman was 100% accurate. I was only too happy to see the dogs lick somebody besides me.Let it be known that I hate dogs and I hate dogs that lick even more.

"Ass smell there is nothing better than ass smell is there?"

My friend did not seem to mind the dogs as much as I do. Maybe he enjoys cold noses near his rear. I will speak no more of this.

Then we are off to visit a club. Heavy Metal will be played loud. And the lead singer will be wearing a tight leather shirt. It will make some of my friends uncomfortable how tight that leather shirt is. I will pretend that their comments are not homophobic. Mostly because I am sure that my friend is just gay for heavy metal singers.

"They often have long hair and sing in high voices. So it can get confusing."

"You're right. Maybe they shouldn't wear such tight tops." But it is also never a good thing to drink so much after major surgery either.

"I was just wondering, if you guys wanted you could drop me off at home so I could just shit on the bathroom rug. Like normally. Unless you guys want to hang out with all the hot strippers I know."

The music is near deafening and he is in close to me. He thinks he needs to get this close so I can hear him. But he's not just close, he's drunk close. When he speaks, he leaves saliva on my chin and cheek. I react and turn my head in time, so all of the spray is on parts that I can live with.

"I need to start working out. So I don't have to spend so much money on them (the strippers)."

It's the best reason I can come up with to workout.

*No real name is ever used here at The Self Help Center.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

35 years ago Susan Polk was Jail Bait this Week

At the age of 14 Susan Polk was in psychotherapy treatment. I am not sure why she was there. I am sure it had nothing to do with her psychic abilities to predict 9/11. Psychic abilities aren't illegal that I know of.

Stabbing your husband probably is. Even if you met him at the age of 14. And even if he was the guy giving you treatment for your crazy problems.

Here's a bit of advice:

If you are going to marry your 14 year old patient make sure you cure her ass of her delusions. Otherwise she just might stab you to death.

Here's another bit of advice:

If your wife can predict future events like 9/11 the government may send radio waves into her head telling her to kill you and set her up for life in prison.

"Susan Polk received the maximum sentence after acting as her own lawyer in a trial permeated with theatrics, including discussion of her psychic powers and cross-examination of her own sons. An attorney representing her Friday said she planned to appeal."

Susan Polk you are here by inducted into the Jail Bait Hall of Fame. Sorry it had to be 35 years too late.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Tyra Banks enemy of promiscuous women everywhere

"We don't carry an inseam of 30 inches at the waist size you request sir."

I see. Fat people aren't allowed to have nice jeans? Why is it that I can't find jeans in my size? I had one pair of jeans that fit nicely and I wore them everyday. I literally wore them out. Now the not quite even trying to deny it gay salesman at American Eagle is trying to let me down easy.

"Of course you could order it here and it would be shipped directly to your house."

But I was looking for a pair to wear today. So that will not do. I guess the JC Penney Outlet will just have to be visited once or twice a week until they get in a shipment of Arizona Brand Jeans (Boot Cut Style.)

50 bonus points to the person who can guess my waist size correctly. One guess per person. The rulings of the judges are final.

In a side note a read a story about how young women are not getting raped now as much as they were in the past. The story suggest that young people are not as brazen or open sexually to their impulses as generational critics point out.

I will only ask a question. So don't get offended. Do you use force if you are given what you want freely? On the other hand if Tyra Banks keeps doing all her shows on Promiscuity and how to stop it we will only see a rash of new rape cases. Thanks Tyra.

That's hardly the only reason Tyra is a bad influence on girls. When she asked a 14 year old on her show today what she learned from today's episode the girl responded "I learned not to sleep around because guys don't like that."

Empowerment indeed young lady.

P.S. some men will like that.

Hugs and Cuddles,

Romius T.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Yesterday's Holiday is Named Fat Tuesday for a Reason

I am not sure what it is about Generation Y. All you fucking MySpacer's out there just love to expose yourself.

Back in the day exposing yourself was dirty. It made you a cheap slut. Even if you were "just playing office with your stepbrothers."

I'm not sure what part of office includes you getting finger banged by a semi related family member, but who am I to complain? I haven't fingered banged a girl since my step-sister, so I really wished I had remained in contact with her after my father left her Mom.

Sorry, I digressed. I digressed into sexually inappropriate memories of my former stepsister. But if your step-sister was as hot as my step-sister then you would too. Especially if you finger fucked her on more than one occasion.

I bring up how my step-sister used to molest me for a good reason. When you read about step-brother/sister fucking you generally get a bit sick to your stomach. You should, because it's dirty. And it was the dirty that was so exciting. At least for my step-sister.

If it wasn't for how disgusting my stepsister thought I was and how dirty it might be to have her step-brother finger bang in the back of her Mom's pickup bed on the way home from our Aunt Jean's house, I would have never been introduced to the velvety pleasures of the female genitalia until I was at least 20 years old.

Early sexual exposure is nothing new to this new generation. that's because for for them sex is not dirty. But public. Everything, including sex, has to be displayed and shared on You-Tube. For them somehow nothing is real unless someone else is watching it on a computer screen or TV. Because TV and computing and text messaging is the only way these kids know how to relate to the world.

I didn't want to expose myself today, I just wanted to hang out and party on Fat Tuesday because I support the Katrina victims. And because I like getting drunk in public. Not because I have some kind of sick voyeur fetish. Instead I payed a 10 dollar cover to stand in line. The celebration at Fat Tuesday's on Mill Avenue consisted of paying a cover and then waiting in line for an hour and a half to get inside the actual club for overpriced frozen girly drinks.

I've never felt comfortable in lines or around groups of people. There is something unnatural and bothersome to me in the gatherings of people. So many of them. Happy. My EX used to get pissed at me, because I would embarrass her in line at Safeway. But I only acted inappropriately in line in order to make all the other people in line feel as uncomfortable as I felt around them. And I think it works.

So while my friends and I were content to simply drink a beer and complain to each other about the slow moving line so many of the Y'ers were not. Instead they got their nasty on. That's Generation Y. Always positive. Gen Y has zero attention span and no desire to see the dark lining of any cloud. A few bored fat girls danced for us while we waited in line. And by dancing I mean mimicking things paid hookers are often too timid to try.

I think these girls fail to understand that the thrill men find from watching women lick each other or fake anally penetrate each other is the the thrill of dirty behavior. But wen you copy that "dirty" behavior so self-consciously it completely ruins it for the true pervert. You can't "own" degrading behavior. It ceases to be degrading at that point.

But the only thing that really makes dirty dancing unwatchable is fat chicks. Fat chicks have completely taken over the promiscuous displays of their generation. I realize most Americans are fat, but I thought we all were superficial enough to agree that only attractive people should be allowed to flaunt their stuff in public.

Last night at Fat Tuesday violated that agreement, and thereby lived up to it's name. Fat Tuesday with its massive veined breasts exposed. Fat chicks grinding away and hopping. Red lined bellies from too tight pants exposed by too short tops. Tops that wanted to be lifted at any excuse. Tempe is not New Orleans. Nobody should expect that the cheap beads they give out to everyone at the entrance of a corporate sponsored sex-o-rama would be able to entice any of our Tempe girls to uncover.

But I was wrong about that. I was totally wrong. Also wrong about things like how fat chicks are actually human beings. Mental Agents with desires. I had always assumed like most psychopaths that people so different from me have no human agency. They may jump like frogs when shocked with electricity, but not from an inner volition. To me fat humans had always seemed merely responsive to stimuli. See Big Mac. Insert Big Mac.

It's now all so disconcerting.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I just spent the entire night devoting myself to watching movies about Truman Capote's In Cold Blood

It was raining today so I thought about Perry and the gallows.
I know way too much about Truman Capote movies now. I've seen at least three In Cold Blood movies over the last 2 years. And I watched 2 of them tonight.

Sometimes I think about sending all three of my readers to the gallows. Because I am sure that some of your aren't reading my other terrific blog Bathos for the Misanthropic. Or maybe you read Bathos, but never read Selp Help. Either way you are screwing with me. And people who screw with me get the BIG YELLOW BIRD.

And I am not talking about Duckies.

Now understand if you are not familiar with The Show with Ze Frank, In Cold Blood, or Truman Capote then you will not get any of these inside jokes. But if you are a long time reader you should make an effort to discover these things on your own. Otherwise I have to do everything for you, just like your Mom did.

Because of my fascination tonight over Truman Capote I think some people are beginning to worry that I am a faggot. They say I seem to know a lot of things about fags and they wonder. Like "How do you know that Bear is a gay term?"

"Because I watch Sex in the City, that's how."

For some reason this fact never seems to dissuade people. They only mumble things like "I am pretty sure that show was for chicks."

But I've gotten lots of hand jobs from my step-sister and I have fucked more fat chicks more times than most guys have masturbated to pics of Britney Spears bald head. So now who's gay?

This post is dedicated to In Cold Blood. Which gets the Official Seal of Approval from me. Romius T.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

I feel happy today even though last night I spotted 3 people with missing ear parts

And I am not going to let you guys get me down. Today I had pork tacos and rode my bike. The waitress from the restaurant looked at me with a sense of earnestness and ordered me to have a great day.

She wanted to make sure she connected with me, since when she asked "Do you need change?" I said "yes."

But on the ride home I did have a great time. I took a meandering path home and listened to Kelly Clarkson's Because of You. The wind was in my hair. And I thought, "Hey, at least you have more hair than Britney Spears for the wind to speed through."

Now this might not be a good place for a segue but I thought it odd that last night so many people with ears bitten off were out. Was it some kind of National Go out and Play Poker and Forget that You Have Had Your Ear Bitten Night? Because if so I would have totally been behind such an event. I could march for that kind of cause.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Al Queda gets a bad rap. I think they are a lot like the Puritains, only with more scarves.

I am sitting here at the Tempe Public Library. I can only talk about Al-Queda when I blog from public computers. My roommate is a little paranoid about me getting his computer linked to terrorism.

I don't really have a lot to say about them, but I missed being able to bring them up if I wanted. Nothing is more claustrophobic for a free speech advocate than censorship. And if there is anything I am about it's Free Speech. That and downloading pictures of the Olson Twins and pasting them on my shampoo bottles. Then it feels like we are taking a shower together. It's the only way I will ever get a threesome.

Speaking of threesomes, how come all the guys on public library computer work stations are always checking their personal ads out? Don't you want to do that at home? You can afford to buy a subscription to, but can't or won't spring for the money to get Internet access at home?

Believe me, if you bring home a girl from a date you got on the internet and she can't check her e-mail at your house it's over. Might as well tell her you still live with your Mom. But she probablly figured that out already. Nobody "pays" an old women to sit in the corner of your house and crotchet a sweater for you. Nobody.

Porn surfing at the library makes no sense to me. Guys are always getting caught for lewd behavior or downloading porn at the local library. I am sorry, but I have a little more decorum that that. In fact I don't even like surfing my blog at the library. I've noticed some of the pictures I post are a bit "racy."

You see how I got back to the "Puritanical" bit I opened with. In comedy that is considered a ...well...I am sure they have a name for it, but I don't know it.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I Got Hit On Last Night At A Bar. For the first time in a long time the girl was cute. Way cute. Cuter than you.

I just hope last night was a prelude of what god has in store for me. Maybe a little Valentine's Day Awesomeness!

I was at a local pub last night minding my own business. Mostly I just stood around waiting on my friends to bring back beer for me from the huge breasted bartender. We always go to wherever big boobed bartenders serve 25 cent beer. Even with a 5 dollar cover charge you can get drunk on the cheaps.

I must have been rubbing my nose absent mindingly, because a rather cute dark haired girl leans over to me and asks "Are you mocking me?"

That's not an unusual question for me to get asked. I usually am mocking you. But I was just zoning out at that exact moment she looked over at me and was not at all copying her.

"Because I was touching my nose at the same time as you." After she finished her question I notice my interrogator is really cute. Petite and young. Half my age I'd guess. This puts me at a loss. I can't recall the last time a women made a move on me.

Normally I am quite quick witted, but last night I had no retort. In fact all I could stammer out was "No, no ..I wasn't mocking you."

I am so cool. That must have sounded totally bitchin' to her. I am just some little girl who dared not to offend. My friends cracked up laughing at me. They insisted that I "dropped the ball" and "fumbled at the five yard line." One of my asshole friends even brought up Tony Romo's choke of a hold on a place kick that cost the Cowboys a playoff victory.

Talk about kicking a brother when he's down. But don't worry sports fans. Old Romius T. still has a few tricks up his sleeve. I got the girl's attention a few minutes later and used an eye contact thing I know. You ladies understand what I am talking about. Some guys just know how to give good eye contact.

She walked back over to the bar where I stood. I started with a run up the middle for 4 yards. "How you doing?" But things got better when she leaned in to me in order to hear me better. "Actually," I tell her "I really did mean to mock you. Normally I don't try and hide it. I just do it straight to your face."

She seemed relieved that I wanted to insult her. I noticed she travelled with three hipster wannabe tough guys. She made a point of saying to me that "They were just friends." So I figured she must be into water sports or something freaky. "You should say it to my face." She mutters to me half drunk. Her eyes are shiny and giddy.
I am not going to tell you much about what happened next. But let's just say that I punted and put myself into some pretty good field position. I am sure we will meet again and I can't wait to try for a field goal.

Happy V-Day everybody.

Romius T.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Have I finally settled on a name for this blog?

I was never very happy with the Romius Texis name. And the Self Help Center no longer applies. I think that this name kinda rocks. I know that Katie kinda like Self Help, but I figured i am the on in need of help. Of the Self kind. So I kinda like it.

What do you guys think? Do you care? I know the Drug Monkey gets annoyed at me anytime I change the name, so Sorry!!!

How about the colors? That red sure pops don't it. I am just trying to keep you guys from getting to used to anything and then bored by the look of this blog. Plus new blogger makes it so easy to change the template that it is seriously ridiculous to not do it.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

If you want advice from me all I've got is don't let a movie about pimps and ho's bring you down, cuz you better than that man

"Whatchya gonna do with your life?"

If I got asked that question I would have the response as that gum smacking crack head prostitute in Hustle & Flow.

I don't know.

But there are plenty of questions I don't know the answer to. Like why the mustard in this house tastes funny. All of it. I mean even after I threw out the old mustard and bought a brand new bottle.

Do you think there is something in the house that causes mustard to taste funny? I hope not. I hope my taste buds are changing. I'd hate to start putting mayo on my corn dogs.

Friday, February 09, 2007

If you are reading this because I left a funny comment in some other blog, don't expect this blog to be as funny

No matter how funny my blogs are I am pretty sure they are going to keep me from getting hired. That and my two year work gap on my resume. I don't know why unemployed blogger/part time amateur poker player is not viewed as serious experience, but it ain't.

Most of you are reading this from work, so I don't think employed people are all that more "productive" than me. Otherwise you'd be the ones making funny as shit up and then typing into a computer.

Imagine all the money you'd be making. Not as much as winning all your money on the river in Splash Pots at Texas Hold'em. But serious money nonetheless.

I forgot to tell Jeramey Happy Birthday. But since he doesn't read this blog it won't help to say it here. He doesn't read the blog even though he has starred in like 6 or 7 blog posts. If anybody wrote about me that much I 'd make damn sure to read that blog. I just joke about being Ghetto. Because Jeramey never reads, I guess Jeramey really is ghetto.

Though there is no way of knowing if I just told the truth about that statement is there? Maybe I just sit at home all day listening to podcasts that feature a guy reading gay incest dick cheese and scat stories all day.
But you're kind of scared about the truth in that statement aren't you?

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Remember when the Olsen Twins were Jail Bait you wanted?

Remember how you installed that creepy countdown meter on your desktop that alerted you to the exact moment they would become legal?

Neither do I. All I know is that I would rather pull the umbilical cord from Tori Spelling's fat vagina than wake up next to one of those Ex-Tanner girls.

I am not sure why I this site continues to only draw 20 or so folks a day when the Drunken Stepfather pulls in hundreds of thousands. But I guess that's life.

Monday, February 05, 2007

I couldn't bring myself to induct Dakota Fanning as Jail Bait of the Week

I don't want to encourage a damaged young girl or her parents. Dakota, no matter how hideous your mouth/teeth you are not asking for rape just because you wear headgear to correct it.

And as to your need to have "it" filmed and viewed. Can I ask that you get some professional help for that? Such an inclination is unhealthy. I think you might have boundary issues. My advice is to keep this stuff buried. Deep down. Just try and not to think about it.

You are precocious. But you are not an adult. Someone has probably talked about the First Amendment. And an artists commitment to freedom of speech. But you are just a kid, you're not Picasso

Anyway that First Amendment business was repealed a while back. Just keep going to the dentist and I will see you in 6 years. Looking hot. And with a few too many "daddy" issues.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Just because I click on your personal ad that don't make us friends

I am not certain if it really is possible to earn between 100,000 and 150,00 dollars a year and be that into jean skirts.

I know I am breaking a cardinal rule of mine by insulting a non-famous person. But I guess if you are on the Internet you are setting yourself up to look a fool. If anyone ever found my personal ad they would be shocked to learn that I am 6 feet tall and that I make more than 250,000 bucks in a year.

I make movies. The dirty kind. That's what I tell the girls. Then they forgive me for not being so tall. They still think I am rich so they let me film them having sex. Not sex with me because no amount of money would be worth that.

I once had sex with a girl in Germany and I got charged with a hate crime, so I learned my lesson. I just get the girls to masturbate on camera and after that I can black mail them. That's how I make my money for real.

Certainly not off the donation button at the bottom of this page. Because my account balance is still zero. If you want me to stop taking advantage of women then you are going to have donate money to me. Where else do you get stories like this for free?

Friday, February 02, 2007

Golf Tournaments are fun if you don't watch any of the golf.

I am too hung over to be blogging for you guys. And since my liver is shot I am way too nervous to take any Tylenol for the headache. I have no idea why all we have is Tylenol in the house when I am practically jaundiced.

I've been staring into the mirror and I can't tell if my eyes are just bloodshot or if the Heppatitus is acting up again. I promised to stop drinking real soon. As soon as I get laid.

You may be wondering how I paid for all the booze. I didn't. I got it all for free just because I attended some golf tournament.

If a guy walked past you and muttered "You're looking mighty Golfy today!" in a Wolf-Man Jack voice then you know the real me. I was pretty cute today. I got 12 hello's back. And I made a bunch of old men happy, when I wasn't pissing off Pro Golfers.

If you missed birdy on hole 10 because of me I want to say sorry, but I am not. You need to learn to play through the taunting. I am not going to shut up just because all the white people whisper shhh at me.

I never understood the fun of class based societies until today. Because I have always been the RIF Raff. But today I was in a corporate booth. Today I was one of the upper class. People came and cleared my plate as soon as I was done eating. Today people gave me free drinks.

Today I watched as you suckas couldn't get past the rope line and security to sit in a sky box and talk to George W. Bush. And wonder aloud "why his son stayed in Iraq when his father didn't."

And don't lecture me. It's not inappropriate to psychoanalyze the President in front of his dad. My drink card may have been punched 10 times at that point, but I was a Psychology major for 2 years at Mesa Community College. I've read Freud and Eric Fromm. So I think I can say with some authority what you can only speculate about.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Harry Potter is all grown up

Harry Potter is all rip. And you have to wonder where that treasure trail would take us. I am guessing a magical journey that blows away any Harry Potter movie.

And I gave every Potter Movie 6 stars.

I am not quite certain that I understand the horse. Symbolism is beyond me. That's why I agreed to make Eddie and the Cruisers II.