He leans in close to me. It's loud and he thinks he has to get this close to me so I can hear him. But he is just drunk close.

"We should go pick up our friend Houseman.*"

"I just need to warn you. If we do pick Houseman up he will be wearing a bathrobe. We will have to interrupt his all night video game session and his dogs will lick at you. Constantly."

I can say with pride that the description I gave to my friend about Houseman was 100% accurate. I was only too happy to see the dogs lick somebody besides me.Let it be known that I hate dogs and I hate dogs that lick even more.

"Ass smell there is nothing better than ass smell is there?"

My friend did not seem to mind the dogs as much as I do. Maybe he enjoys cold noses near his rear. I will speak no more of this.

Then we are off to visit a club. Heavy Metal will be played loud. And the lead singer will be wearing a tight leather shirt. It will make some of my friends uncomfortable how tight that leather shirt is. I will pretend that their comments are not homophobic. Mostly because I am sure that my friend is just gay for heavy metal singers.

"They often have long hair and sing in high voices. So it can get confusing."

"You're right. Maybe they shouldn't wear such tight tops." But it is also never a good thing to drink so much after major surgery either.

"I was just wondering, if you guys wanted you could drop me off at home so I could just shit on the bathroom rug. Like normally. Unless you guys want to hang out with all the hot strippers I know."

The music is near deafening and he is in close to me. He thinks he needs to get this close so I can hear him. But he's not just close, he's drunk close. When he speaks, he leaves saliva on my chin and cheek. I react and turn my head in time, so all of the spray is on parts that I can live with.

"I need to start working out. So I don't have to spend so much money on them (the strippers)."

It's the best reason I can come up with to workout.

*No real name is ever used here at The Self Help Center.