Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Remember when I tried to be creative?

Honestly, either do I.  But I guess I did.  I have proof.  Maybe some of you read my Bathos Blog before I stopped writing in it, or maybe you remember the glory days of the self help center, before I got caught up in drugs and my attention span collapsed and any creative juices I felt dribbled out of me like yogurt pudding spills out of your grammie's mouth.

Here is an ancient review of a good movie you never saw:

I review Claire Dolan. A movie you have never seen before.


I watch movies like Claire Dolan because I have class, and you don't. You probably sit around all day eating Cheetos and watching movies like Norbit on Cinemax. You think movies with over-stylized acting and slow pace suck. You like movies with action and a plot that makes sense. You don't like movies that are "clinically austere" and movies who's actors are "cold and affectless." You hate long movies with lots of conversation. You won't sit through a movie that tries to get by with just dialogue.

I jacked off before watching this movie. I don't recommend you do the same. Because the movie is about a hooker. And movies about hookers usually have lots of sex in them. Claire Dolan not only is a movie with lots of sex, but with tons of tit scenes. The tits of actress Katrin Cartlidge appear on screen for more time than any other character in the movie. Katrin gives an incredible performance. And her tits are magnificent. Several times in the movie Katrin wears a deep v-neck white blouse. Katrin has a longer than average torso and small pert breasts that are perfectly exposed by the office sexy sheer materials of her 500 dollar top.


Claire owes a great deal of money to a very bad guy. Like most women who are born "whores" she decides the best way to pay it off is to become a hooker. After Claire's mommy dies she gets sadder than a woman who sells herself for money to pay a debt to a very mean and large bad guy. Claire decides to runaway from her life in New York. Claire's idea of a good hiding place from a big time pimp from NYC is Newark. Claire's cousin lives in Newark. 

In Newark, Claire, can stroke the faces of random babies without drawing too much attention.

Like all failed prostitutes Claire tries her hand at cosmetology. She listens and tends to boring women by cleanng their nails. Katrin the actress has very nice nails. I can imagine myself as a reporter ready to introduce myself to her before a publicity interview. I'd be really nervous. I'd fear she'd be bored by me and another publicity interview. I am sure she is until I remark what nice nails she has. I tell her that I am surprised that she has "real" nails and compliment her on all the "hard work" of taking care of her nails. Katrin would thank me for noticing. She would flirt with me and let me in on her little secret "that men rarely understand the difficulties women go through in order to have natural nails."

Claire eventually meets Elton. A man she decides to have a baby with. Elton appears to be a nice regular guy who drives a Taxi. Elton is played by Vincent D’Onofrio from Law & Order. Vincent decided not to shave for the movie.  Also in real life Vincent is a schizophrenic.

I think the Elton character has an ex-wife and a kid. I am pretty sure there is a scene where he is talking about sending child support check to his ex-wife. Only he never says the words "child support." We do meet a 13 or 14 year old girl that could be his daughter. He drops her off at home and gives her money. He then tells the girl not to tell her mother that he is giving her money. "Buy yourself something nice." He tells her. She thanks him, but she never calls him dad. In fact she calls Elton by his first name. I thought that scene was a little creepy. But maybe I am just reading into things.

It turns out that Elton is a not such a nice guy.  For instance, he buys a prostitute later in the movie. Ostensibly he buys the prostitute to know what Claire is going through in her life as a hooker. But the hooker he buys just happens to be the hooker from Budapest that Claire finds quite beautiful. 

Elton follows Claire around after her pimp discovers Newark is just a cab ride away from Downtown. The pimp drags Claire back and forces her to go back to work. Elton follows Claire to a "date" and watches as she fucks another guy. At first Claire seems turned off by the idea of fucking her John while her soon to be Baby's Daddy is watching. But like all good workers she just grunts her way through it.


The male "heroes" in these kind of movies always get punched, but never defend themselves. They are terrible fighters who go down on one punch. Like a punch to the gut. Followed by some chocking. Elton is no exception, so when Colm Meany tells him "I've been expecting you." I was totally expecting Elton to get his ass kicked. No disappointment, he does. Though Colm buys him a shot to make up for the ass kicking, and he gives him some wonderful advice. "You can't make a ho' a housewife."

After Elton finds out that his new girlfriend is a sex worker he rushes straight home to have sex with her. Followed by an akward scene where an axious Elton asks Claire if she had an orgasm during their recent sex act.

"Did u cum?" He asks.
Can't you tell? She replies.

Elton and Claire do not discuss Cuckoldry, they discuss how they will get through "this." Elton offers Claire money to help pay off the debt. And like a hooker Claire accepts the money.

I know if you were making this movie, your hooker characters would not have the same hang ups as ordinary women. That would make your girlfriend too uncomfortable. But just like your girlfriend, after fucking another guy, Claire-the-hooker misses her boyfriend. She calls him sometimes just because she misses him. She even gets ticked off at him when he has to go out of town on buisness. I don't know a lot of cab drivers who need to go out of town on buisness. Maybe there was some kind of taxi cab driver convention he needed to go to. Unlike Claire I think we should give Elton the benefit of the doubt. Instead Claire just gives Elton one of those passive aggressive pissed off faces women are famous for.

Katrin Cartlidge definitely has that pissed of girlfriend look down. I was so turned on by Katrin that I kept interrupting the flow of the movie with fantasies about married life with the young hot actress. That is until she sported the sorta bored "oh really" look every guy in the world has seen. You know what I am talking about, right guys? If you still don't know what I am talking about and your boyfriend is reading this review out loud to you, go look at yourself in the mirror right now. That's the face I am talking about. That's the face she gave Elton and the face that told me that I too could get bored looking at the face of Katrin.

After sometime we find that Claire has moved to Chicago and has trouble finding a job and is interrupted while eating lunch by former John's.

Elton marries another woman and gets her pregnant. He remains a wimp of a man. When he and his new wife bump into the pimp on the corner of a street, he is fearful that the pimp will reveal his secret life to his bride. However, the pimp only mentions the birth of his new son while fondling Elton's wife's protruding belly.

The End.

The Total Box Office for this movie was: 0 dollars. This movie has been awarded the Seal Of Approval. If you don't like this movie you are an ignorant ass.

Monday, November 07, 2011

There's a reason we call it "spent"

Men hate the feeling we get after having sex.  I thought I'd let you know about that ladies.  It's because we are spent; therefore, broke.

I feel like I just had sex all the time.  Which means I feel terrible. Nothing like the rush of neurotoxic sludge that builds up in a women's brain after cuddling with her lover.

No. I feel ...dirty, spent, used.  I feel like I have nothing to live for at least the next 24 hours while my body reforms the gooey matter resting in my ball sack.  Only, I don't have the hope that in 24 hours my life can get an erection again.

Not that this should matter to you. hope you have something better to do than worrying about me.

But if you want to read the following:

I'm pretty sure I am dying.  My brain is spazzing out again.

I have a terrible teeth clenching, headaches and weird symptoms like heart pains.  I feel like maybe doing drugs has taken its toll on me.

I don't get it.  People seem to huff pledge for weeks, or years without getting side effects.  I smell a little accidentally while dusting and I am freaking out like a villain from some 1980's nighttime soap opera.


I'm just dealing with the panic attacks by distracting myself with masturbation, but then the penis gets raw.  So it's not like that can go on forever.

I might be losing my hearing and my balance seems off.  This is disturbing.  I would really like my balance back.  Also my 29 inch waist from my early twenties.

I cough and my heart goes crazy.  I get dizzy.  I wonder if I am having a brain tumor.  I should really check that out.  It would suck to have a brain tumor though.

Just downloaded an application for my phone that lets me borrow books from my library.  Maybe I will read some books now.

My fucking head really hurts right now.  I should take a tylenol, but I went drinking last night over at the MUGGSHOTS.

The bartender thinks I am funny.  She told me.  Even noticed that I checked in at home on Foursquare.  (We're totally friends on Foursquare!)  Not that she is in to me.  I think she dates hipper dudes than me.

Some loser was hitting on her and took offense to me talking shit from the peanut gallery every time he tried to use some lame line on her.

At one point he really pissed me off because he called me a douche.  He was drunk as fuck and took offense to me saying my favorite thing about animals, "is how they taste on the grill."

My brain was too drunk to register that he called me a douche for a good 5 minutes after he called me one, so I couldn't exactly get pissed at him.  I would have looked like a drunk asshole if I had.  But he deserved it.  I spent three hours at home fantasizing about my special "Super" fighting skills.  I've blogged before how I am crazy ass fighter and how you don't want to mess with me, but I am not looking that information up right now.  Too fucking difficult.  My leg is jumping out of control.

But anyways I drank a few malt liquors when I got home and dreamed about knifing that fucker.  I WILL not fight fair.   I will stab you.  I will kick you in the balls, and do whatever it takes to win.  My life is so much more important to me than your ethics.

I did get him to look stupid after he thought my bartender was kicking me out -when in fact she was talking to another person.  He looked so deflated.  Kept telling me how I was killing his buzz.  I told him I was only making mine better by making fun of him.  Plus I got to have a conversation with her whenever he went to smoke where she confided in me that he "asked her out" but she was not into it at all.

I might try to fuck her now.  We will see.

I need something to do.  Maybe eat brownies.  Get drunk on Absolute.   Also, I am planning on checking out this legal high called EMpathY.  Not too sure about it.  Don't even know what's in it.

For my upcoming 41st birthday I am going to a rave.  I will swallow massive e pillz.  Probably cause my brains to short circuit.  But it will be the last time after that I promise.

Been having some manic episodes followed by panic.  I know I should wait till this all subsides before trying anything new.

Want to feel normal again.  Soon as I do, I want to feel fucked up.  First world problems I guess.

Next article I will have to talk about the #occupy movement.

Good nite KIDS

Remember stay away from men
in windowless vans
if they tell you
"free ice cream"
if you
help me
find my dog