Wednesday, February 27, 2013

like an old friend with no where to stay

anxiety is back, forgetting that i am working so hard to keep it at bay.  staying off of drugs, limiting my alcohol intake.  no beers whatsoever.

the salts go on my feet and absorb into the cavities, pressing inside me

much like our shared dignity on this planet

you can shake your leg, and stare at the red plastic tumbler and take advice from the high and mighty.  everything is self-created.  therefore we have only a subjective corner to cry in.

>b/sorta chubby, but not too fat
get into argument over meaning of life
>sound like schizoid.
get told to create meaning
go ahead she says, "it's easy once you stop taking the easy way out."
decide to tug on toenail instead
watch puss drip out
think about making sausage for breakfast
b 3:20 in the pm
make sausage and eggs in tortilla with cheese

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Things get worse, I learn the prognosis is bad

So, I finally went the doctor on Friday. Showed them my toe. Doctor flips out. Why did you do this to yourself? Did you not have insurance?

"Oh my god! Oh, my god!" He stammered while crunching down on to the floor for a better look.

"We'll need an MRI,  X-ray, start him on Bactrim!"

All the nurses just sat there while he waited for my excuse, why did I do this?

I told him I was afraid of doctors. Truth is, three years ago I had no insurance, didn't think I could afford it. Not sure I can now. Then the whole thing just got embarrassing. I knew I'd get the reaction I got. What's a man to do?

I'll need six weeks of intravenous antibiotics if I have a bone infection or I could lose the toe. Almost would prefer being toeless after reading about intravenous antibiotics and the possibilty of going septic. That shit is truly scary. My MRI is scheduled on Friday, but the X-rays didn't look good.

About to take the first antibiotics, we all know how much I hate them. My stomach and bowels are already giving me such trouble. This will only make things worse. Hopefully, we find out that there is no bone infection, but three years of waiting? Impossible I'd say. There will be an infection, I never get truly lucky.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Don't let it get you down

i woke up with only thirty minutes to spare.  my alarm didn't go off. i set the alarm fine.  it just seems some times my phone doesn't like to do it's job.  which  i guess is fine by me, because frankly speaking i don't much care to do my job all the time either, and i don't really see the reason to discriminate against inanimate objects the way you people fetishisizers do.

not that most of you care about suffering.  at least people suffering.  you are more likely to cry your hearts out at a sad puppy dying story, than to give a moments thought to your fellow man.

let me explain another way that even your emotionally defunct brain can recognize.  what's sadder a baby dying or a german sheppard?  what if the baby accidentally pulls a string that drops an anvil onto the baby who then crushes the puppy.  who do you cry for?  the puppy, right?

that's the definition of mental illness.

buy i digress.

i got up late today. so i took a three minute shower.   a three minute shower consists of shampooing you hair and washing most of your body parts with one of those pink wire sponges that have replaced washcloths.  i wonder whatever happened to the washcloth makers, did they get jobs in factories where they make wire brushes?  or did they have too much disdain for wire sponge makers, secretly knowing that their product, while overlooked now by the market, was truly the better material and body cleaner.  my secret hope is they walked out on those evil wire sponge makers and left the city to form some kind of commune where people drink unpasteurized milk and used cotton to bathe themselves.

work was uneventful, save for an argument between my ex-internet gf and a female friend from work.  it got ugly at one point with erin shouting that she didn't give a fuck what tarri said, "that we are talkin and tell her to shut the fuck up."

erin likes to talk like she's a gangster but she reminds me of the actress Jamie Lynn Sigler's character from men with kids, a tv show that may be on the air for a decade, so we really ought to just come to terms with it. I mean tempest bledsoe is proving she can be a comedic actress, and the catchy theme song, and cushy timeslot mean we have plenty of time to really get in to the meat of the characters of this show.

after work i took the new roommate to the local comic store where we saw groups of nerds playing some updated game of dungeons and dragons.  the group included a few of those nerdy girls that suddenly pretend to be into looting and dragon slaying and coming up with ways to get out of predicaments like, "did anyone try shooting the horse?" which just seems plain mean to me and i don't even like animals.

all these girls get jobs at the renascence fair.  most of em have the acting bug.  many of them don't take showers.  but i would have loved them in my teen years when women wouldn't look at me.  not that they do now, unless it is to cry in fear of my massive ghetto booty.

the girls at the ice cream parlor we visited after where sure looking lecherously at me, i bet it's not often a middle aged man in an aging volvo drives up in the rain with one working windshield wiper while a 22 year old girl gets out and pays for his double large oreo blaster ice cream with the waffle bowl.  those girls were super jealous and jesse the roommate was furious her extra large scoop of ice cream was half the size of mine.  jesse was on her period and if she wasn't bullied by the idea of getting on birth control and leaving her period and condoms stuck to the tile floor of the restroom then we'd have had a throw down.

now i'm back home.  second half of a valium and two beers later i'll be going to sleep soon.  i won't be dreaming of you. but then again, maybe i will. or maybe that's just half crazy sauce.

friday is the day i go to the doctor, get my poison toenail removed, maybe even the gangrene if it hasn't set in too much. i might just keep ya posted.  seems like i have maybe attracted a few new readers.  the light at the tunnel is always there.  just worry it's a train and gonna kill me.  but even then, put's me out of my misery.

Monday, February 18, 2013

All I've got is you, dear diary

I'm sitting on the pot churning out four or five green poops a day.  A lot of the poop just sits in my asshole.  Not quite out, not quite in.  You gotta really dig in and scrape that shit out, even with baby wipes.  This ain't pretty.

Scary thing is I am having flashbacks again.  I think my anxiety is back.  Something fierce today.  Feel like a cat chasing it's tail.  My brain feels fuzzy again.  I'm getting all those old feelings and  I am not sure why.

I have abstained from synthetic marijuana for at least a couple of weeks.  I'm not sure how long. But I do sometimes long for a re-dose   It makes jerking off so much fun, you sometimes forget all the side effects.  But I am staying strong.  Today has taught me that I better stay away from that shit.

I'm even considering giving up beer.  Going totally clean.  I think my diabetes is raging full.  Also, I am losing all the hair on my legs and this is concerning me.  I am going to the doctor Friday   I can't handle all the anxiety again.  My feet and toes are numb.  And I think I have psoriasis.  I think that is what is causing the hair loss, either that or the diabetes is causing my skin to toughen and redden.

My infected toe still is infected.  I think it's been three years.  I'm going to the doctor on Friday.  I will get it looked at, and this means antibiotics,  which scare the shit out of me.  One of my phobias now.  But the toe needs to get healed.  I am worried about necrosis.  I know I let that go too long.  Once I get it fixed (I hope it can get fixed!) then maybe we can find out why my hair is falling out, and why what that swelling in my knee is.

My leg is giving me pain, I just hope it all has to do with how my body has to compensate for how I walk with the ingrown toe nail, and once that is gone then I will get back to normal.  But who knows?

Seizure like symptoms in my head.  Chest pains, and the startle reflex is back.  I can't wear socks because my feet are swelling.  It must be the beer.  Got to cut out all the carbs, gotta stop drinking every night.  I'm going to stop drinking all together for awhile.

Of course that don't fix everything.  I still ain't got much reason for living.  Still I just need the dread to go away.  Need to stop giving me self something to worry about.

I took a Vicodin.  7.5 mg.  Just to ease the anxiety not for any fun.  A few weeks back I took two tens and threw up and got so sick that I swore off pain pills for life.  And if the anxiety wasn't so bad today I wouldn't have taken this pill.  But it has helped a bit, though not enough.

Writing here may help a little, distract me.  Even though I am only writing about the anxiety.  We'll see I guess.

What I don't understand is why it's all back.  No weed, no spice, no MDMA, no pills.  Then today BAM.  I mean the symptoms had begun to appear a little earlier.  The creep crawls in the brain, AKA the brain zaps.  Feels like I am detoxing from Effexor or E.  But no, just Spice.  I wonder why the two are connected in my brain?   I wonder when all this will ever stop.  Why can't I just be normal again?

That seems like it may be too much to ask, though I thought I was getting better.  The first week or so after I stopped the spice I felt improvement. Now I feel like shit.  Not to mention i have hay fever, and that flu that's been going around.  Got it twice.

i'm itchy now.  that's the vike.  feeling a bit less anxious.  but still way too nervous.  way too worried.  sure hope i go the doctor.  thought about it earlier today.  started to cry, so shameful, so embarrassing. sure hope i can afford to go.  i hope it don't cost a thousand dollars or more.  if  i need surgery it will, maybe i will just get antibiotics and then the y peel off the toenail.  might not even be a big charge for that.  won't i feel foolish again?  could have walked normal 3 years ago, gone swimming, hiked, worked out...RUN.  I could run, play basketball.

we'll see.  we'll see. dry mouth, just watched the walking dead.  proof that you can still watch tv without messing with your phone for one hour still.  if you want:

maybe the alcohol is fucking up my arteries, hardening them and shit, maybe that's why i ain't getting any blood flow.  saw something on reddit about a guy who drank too much and the necrosis that set in. scared the jesus in me, i'm gonna stop drinking.

what's left to live for then?

not too sure. beer is keeping me sane.  keeping me in the game.  maybe i can start reading again.  who knows?  just read a book.  one at a time. not a million links on the internet.  put my attention and affection into one thing.

or maybe i just need a woman? haha what a laugh that is!