All I've got is you, dear diary

I'm sitting on the pot churning out four or five green poops a day.  A lot of the poop just sits in my asshole.  Not quite out, not quite in.  You gotta really dig in and scrape that shit out, even with baby wipes.  This ain't pretty.

Scary thing is I am having flashbacks again.  I think my anxiety is back.  Something fierce today.  Feel like a cat chasing it's tail.  My brain feels fuzzy again.  I'm getting all those old feelings and  I am not sure why.

I have abstained from synthetic marijuana for at least a couple of weeks.  I'm not sure how long. But I do sometimes long for a re-dose   It makes jerking off so much fun, you sometimes forget all the side effects.  But I am staying strong.  Today has taught me that I better stay away from that shit.

I'm even considering giving up beer.  Going totally clean.  I think my diabetes is raging full.  Also, I am losing all the hair on my legs and this is concerning me.  I am going to the doctor Friday   I can't handle all the anxiety again.  My feet and toes are numb.  And I think I have psoriasis.  I think that is what is causing the hair loss, either that or the diabetes is causing my skin to toughen and redden.

My infected toe still is infected.  I think it's been three years.  I'm going to the doctor on Friday.  I will get it looked at, and this means antibiotics,  which scare the shit out of me.  One of my phobias now.  But the toe needs to get healed.  I am worried about necrosis.  I know I let that go too long.  Once I get it fixed (I hope it can get fixed!) then maybe we can find out why my hair is falling out, and why what that swelling in my knee is.

My leg is giving me pain, I just hope it all has to do with how my body has to compensate for how I walk with the ingrown toe nail, and once that is gone then I will get back to normal.  But who knows?

Seizure like symptoms in my head.  Chest pains, and the startle reflex is back.  I can't wear socks because my feet are swelling.  It must be the beer.  Got to cut out all the carbs, gotta stop drinking every night.  I'm going to stop drinking all together for awhile.

Of course that don't fix everything.  I still ain't got much reason for living.  Still I just need the dread to go away.  Need to stop giving me self something to worry about.

I took a Vicodin.  7.5 mg.  Just to ease the anxiety not for any fun.  A few weeks back I took two tens and threw up and got so sick that I swore off pain pills for life.  And if the anxiety wasn't so bad today I wouldn't have taken this pill.  But it has helped a bit, though not enough.

Writing here may help a little, distract me.  Even though I am only writing about the anxiety.  We'll see I guess.

What I don't understand is why it's all back.  No weed, no spice, no MDMA, no pills.  Then today BAM.  I mean the symptoms had begun to appear a little earlier.  The creep crawls in the brain, AKA the brain zaps.  Feels like I am detoxing from Effexor or E.  But no, just Spice.  I wonder why the two are connected in my brain?   I wonder when all this will ever stop.  Why can't I just be normal again?

That seems like it may be too much to ask, though I thought I was getting better.  The first week or so after I stopped the spice I felt improvement. Now I feel like shit.  Not to mention i have hay fever, and that flu that's been going around.  Got it twice.

i'm itchy now.  that's the vike.  feeling a bit less anxious.  but still way too nervous.  way too worried.  sure hope i go the doctor.  thought about it earlier today.  started to cry, so shameful, so embarrassing. sure hope i can afford to go.  i hope it don't cost a thousand dollars or more.  if  i need surgery it will, maybe i will just get antibiotics and then the y peel off the toenail.  might not even be a big charge for that.  won't i feel foolish again?  could have walked normal 3 years ago, gone swimming, hiked, worked out...RUN.  I could run, play basketball.

we'll see.  we'll see. dry mouth, just watched the walking dead.  proof that you can still watch tv without messing with your phone for one hour still.  if you want:

maybe the alcohol is fucking up my arteries, hardening them and shit, maybe that's why i ain't getting any blood flow.  saw something on reddit about a guy who drank too much and the necrosis that set in. scared the jesus in me, i'm gonna stop drinking.

what's left to live for then?

not too sure. beer is keeping me sane.  keeping me in the game.  maybe i can start reading again.  who knows?  just read a book.  one at a time. not a million links on the internet.  put my attention and affection into one thing.

or maybe i just need a woman? haha what a laugh that is!