Friday, August 08, 2008

I teach you that you could always try loving me even if I am not so beautiful. The Self Help Guide to Fucking Ugly People.

I don't know about you but almost every conversation I have with a girl ends with them trying to tell me as tactfully as possible that they find me hideously ugly. I usually try to end the discussion before I get angry with them. It's not that I disagree with them. I don't. I realize how disgusting I am. I don't think it's a big deal, because I don't really care about my looks. I am more interested in yours.

What makes me angry is all the beating around the bush you do and the pathetic stammering that falls out of your mouth. If you can't lie well enough to fool me then do me the favor of not trying to. Just say something like like, "While you aren't completely attractive, I like your personality, and since I am horny we should hook up." I could believe something like that and I would jump all over your skinny ass and pound away at you with my Vienna sausage for a good three minutes leaving you sad and disappointed and me panting and out of breath because I not in shape.

Thank you for doing me the "favor" of not looking at me 'objectively.'

All your friends are forced to see me objectively, and they think I am obese, or at least overweight, and by overweight I think what you really mean is more than stocky because because in your sweet objective eyes, "I am just stocky" and, "how come I don't see that as a compliment?"

I can't see that as compliment for the same reason I can't discuss current events with you. You are retarded.

My IQ skirts around the price of a barrel of oil these days so I can see past the bullshit and spin you are giving me. For the record: I have been called attractive before.

Sure the women that find me attractive are more like beef cattle than the lithely Miley Cyrus, but nevertheless women are sometimes attracted to me. Some of them think I am cute. Other times they think I am stocky. And of course mostly they think I am ugly and just plain disgusting when I am naked and out of my clothes, but you know I know how to hide all that extra junk in proper fitting attire.

I guess the point I am making is I have experienced genuine compliments before and your insistence that "you are not that unattractive" is an actual compliment is like telling a black person that you never expected them to be, "so eloquent."

Black people don't like to be told they are eloquent even when they are. Even when what you really meant was that you thought they were eloquent as eloquent goes and not just eloquent for a black person and you don't believe in affirmative action so you weren't giving them any.

Expect that black person to punch you in the face. And when they don't and they go and tell on you to someone at human resources don't say I didn't warn you. And for sure don't tell the human resource guy how "surprised you were to be called into his office" as you thought you were "gonna be punched out" and not just "told on," and how you never expected, "even an eloquent black person to settle a dispute with manners and words and not fists," because believe it or not when the human resource guys are black most of them don't have a sense of humor about these things and suggesting something about how you think Bill Cosby is a funny black guy won't score many points for you either. Frankly, I am not sure how a racist like you even keeps a job.

All I know is that deciding who gets to be attractive can be a fickle business, so I try not to get offended when you don't find me attractive as you probably can't help yourself. Nobody chooses who they decide to find attractive. If that were true most of the adult cocker spaniel population of this world would never get laid. But they do and I don't judge you for all the peanut butter you go through, or all the "alone time" you need with your pets.

Dogs have amazing tongues.

I was trying to get this point across to the office slut today. The office slut no longer works with me, but she came in to pick up her last check (a result of my text message to her that she had an additional check which she took as an invitation to have my number which she thought was clever on my part and boy aren't I). She mentioned that her boyfriend had just broke up with her. I figured this might be my last opportunity to get drunk with her and I told her that I am offering a special to all the single ladies I encounter.

The special goes something like this:
  • Dinner at Taco Bell where you can order anything you like
  • and that means I won't look at you funny when you order the Mexican pizza or the steak quesidella
  • a 12 pack of premium domestic beer
  • a selection from my Netflix queue

All and all not so shabby when I ran the idea past the middle aged christian vegan. But then again she is a born again christian vegan in her thirties looking for the same, so I think we can all assume she has no chance at marriage, so the fact that she would consider a date with a meat eating agnostic bearing DVD rentals as a kinda good thing as it shows she is ready to lower her standards which is the fastest way to get your dating life to take off.

Somehow slutty office girl thought differently. She pointed out that her minimum offer stands. I have to buy a bottle of patron if I want to get in to her pants. I countered by reminding her that a slutty office girl's stock is slightly higher when she has a job and a source of income that does not include finding men to date her so she can eat when they buy her dinner.

I have a feeling when slutty office girl's final check gets spent I will be getting a call about Taco Bell and how great that sounds. I won't mind that she will need to chug the entire 12 pack of beer down in order to find the strength to unbutton my belt and release the the 38 inch nightmare that is my tummy into her lap. I just hope I can sober her up long enough to fit me get back into it.

Because I am fat I don't really have a problem with other fat bellies. I love em as long as they are attached to a uterus. Had I known about this story from MYFOX news in Kansas City that there is an escort service for men who love pregnant chicks I would have long since given up trying to get myself in shape by working out and just saved all my taco bell money and bought myself a real life pregnant hooker. I wonder if they charge more for lactation...????

Tell the truth. These chicks are hot. They so don't look like the street walkers I encounter at local convenience stores where I buy my R/C cola.


i digged/dugg you! said...

WELL... I think you're "cute as a bee," too. :D

The racist tangent had be dying.. but the dog thing was too much for my young mind. I'd rather not think about that.

"she is ready to lower her standards which is the fastest way to get your dating life to take off." LOL I loved that line.

i need an alias.. said...

*The racist tangent had ME dying, not be. Whoops.

Romius T. said...

I was thinking "yellow Fever" as a good alias. But you need to come up with one quickly. And thanks for saying I am cute. It is better than most of the comments I get from women who think I am not cute but fat and ugly.

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