Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I just got back from walking to the store for some coke.


I need to rest up a bit. If you had my blood pressure you would understand. I am 345 pounds and half gorilla. If you could feel my jugular right now you would feel how it is pounding away at me.

My fat isn't the jiggly kind. It's more like hard yellow brick. Sometimes it feels like the blood feels all pudgy and gets stuck in my veins. I want to rub it. To coerce it through back through my veins like jelly stuffed in a donut. But I hear that is the worse thing you can do for a clot. You rub a clot and it couldpass through right to your brain or to your heart.

I have been called a hypochondriac or an "Aunt Jeannie."

But if your blood pressure was as high as mine I think your thoughts would naturally turn to strokes too. 36 members of my family have died by stroke and 72 of them have been on November 29th. And most of all them before their 36th birthday.

So you'll have to pardon me if I am a little skittled today.

I've got other problems like the shooting pain in my left hand. I can't tell if it is just carpel tunnel syndrome from blogging so much this month or if it is just one of my premature heart attacks again. I've been hospitalized a few times for this before. I get doctor's notes but you scoff. That's very uncaring of you.

I know you're thinking it's just "gas" again. Not so quick. I think I have a real weakness in my arms. It is getting hard to lift the drink up to my lips. I am still breathing pretty hard too. You would think the heart rate would slow down by now. You would think it would be easier to swallow.

I don't see why you think that pain in my elbow has something to do with my Gastric reflux disease, or any potential ulcer I may have. My tummy was hurting yesterday and I have had more gas pressure this month than in the last 2 years. I still don't see the connection. But I sit here trying to convince myself that's all it is. I don't have the AIDS. Just guilt over my latent bisexuality.

Maybe the diabetes has given me the shakes and that's why I have all this muscle pain. Maybe it is just the liver finally going out. I can't decide if the red in my eyes is just the chronic sinus infection which has been uncooperative and oblivious to the antibiotics I've been prescribed to treat it. Instead maybe it is jaundice. Muscle pain is a sign that your liver is shot.

Another glass of Coke. Another sweet swallow. Another serving of caffeine. Breathe deep now. Everything is OK. And if it's not you don't have health insurance anyway.

3 comments:

Jezebelsriot said...

I've got some really good news and then some not so good news. Today is only the 28th so you're safe. Bad news is that you get to go through your mortality anxiety all over again tomorrow.

I am about not to have health insurance as of January 1st, thank you anonymous corporate banking entity for deciding that it was not in the best interest of your profit margin to ensure that I have the lowliest form of health insurance that really was only good when my pisser stung from not peeing after sex since I went to planned parenthood for every fucking thing else I might need you cheap bastards!!!!!!!

Romius T. said...

Those cheap bastards. let me know what bank you work at and I will blow it up for you.

*Hint* you can trade foodstamps for healthcare credits. And you can trade sex for foodstamps.

katie schwartz said...

hey. I tagged you. don't hate me. do the meemish.