Happy Halloween You Little Midgets

Have I told you the story about how I lost a spelling bee in the 4th grade because I couldn't spell the word Halloween? I was the first one out of the spelling contest, and I think that shocked just about everyone in my class, especially my teachers, who thought I might be that one kid-in-a-million that every teacher hopes to get. They figure that kid will grow up to be smart and successful and then they get to take credit for "developing" his talent. I guess somehow that will make up for them being a failure, because all they ever got to be was a teacher. And maybe it gets rid of all the guilt they have, because most days all they have is contempt for the animals they are forced to teach.

I just spell checked this post and I misspelled Halloween again, so I guess the joke is on those teachers that thought I would ever amount to anything. I think they should have figured that out right after I choked at the spelling bee.

I guess those school teachers got fooled (just like a lot of other people) because as a child my I.Q. tested out at 160. I know my I.Q. isn't that high anymore. I must have lost 30 points since the 5th grade. At 130 my I.Q. is nothing special. I could easily be mistaken for a guy with an I.Q of 110.

Not much really separates "the mearly gifted" from the guy with just an average intelligence. Unless you actually work at it. And I don't work at it. So you can take your measly 110 and with some hard work finish college and get a good job. With a good job you can get all the trappings of a nice middle class life style and you can convince yourself that what the world really needs is another middle management quality control engineer. Not that the world doesn't obviously need another quality control engineer, its just that I don't care about middle management quality control engineers and neither does the rest of the world.

What I am really trying to say is that then next time you feel compelled to tell me stories about your life as middle management quality control guy in the guise that your life stories are as exciting as working for the CIA- you should instead just continue to throw up on yourself, otherwise I just might have to vomit too.

I know that none of this has anything to do with Halloween, but that's ok. If you read my blog you know that if you want the stuff about Halloween you have to skip to the end of the post. I like to start my posts off as boring as possible, only then to reward the diligent reader by paying off at the end.

Not that I am planning on doing that today. But you get "it" anyway and that's why we have out little thing. You get to be in on the secret that less patient readers never get. I guess knowing that makes you feel good about yourself, and normally I would probably make fun of that, but I imagine that you might have other things going on in your life that make you feel good. Unlike me. I only have this blog and I guess that makes me pathetic. Even more pathetic than you, but then again if I wasn't here and feeling this pathetic you wouldn't have anyone around to make yourself feel better about. So in a way I am like Mother Teresa, except I spread self esteem to those who's self esteems would otherwise be unwarrantably high.

I decided to have a few beers while writing this post and I am on my second beer. The plan is to get drunk and walk down to Mill Ave., and watch all the girls in slutty costumes parade by. I think the parade is some kind of tradition that is not talked or written about, but that everybody kinda just knows happens. It's a good way to spend a couple of hours. The girls are drunk and wearing all the latest costumes, or they are all teenagers out for the night and away from adult supervision.

I like teens the most because they get creeped out when they notice me staring at them. I'm not shy when I am drunk on 'All Hallows Eve.' I get right into their faces and tell them they should not be dressing "slutty" if they don't want all the attention. I think women are better off knowing as early in life as possible that they can't control who they turn on and who's attention they behaviors elicit. If the kids still want to dress like that at least someone told them better.

I plan on taking lots of pictures and maybe some video clips. I am going to preface it all on the fact that I am interviewing these girls for my blog. I think I am going to get a lot of chicks to talk to me that would not give me the time of day normally, just so they can get their 15 seconds of fame.

To work up the courage to do that I am going to have to step up my drinking....

Visit the archives for more of my Halloween shit.