Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween You Little Midgets

Have I told you the story about how I lost a spelling bee in the 4th grade because I couldn't spell the word Halloween? I was the first one out of the spelling contest, and I think that shocked just about everyone in my class, especially my teachers, who thought I might be that one kid-in-a-million that every teacher hopes to get. They figure that kid will grow up to be smart and successful and then they get to take credit for "developing" his talent. I guess somehow that will make up for them being a failure, because all they ever got to be was a teacher. And maybe it gets rid of all the guilt they have, because most days all they have is contempt for the animals they are forced to teach.

I just spell checked this post and I misspelled Halloween again, so I guess the joke is on those teachers that thought I would ever amount to anything. I think they should have figured that out right after I choked at the spelling bee.

I guess those school teachers got fooled (just like a lot of other people) because as a child my I.Q. tested out at 160. I know my I.Q. isn't that high anymore. I must have lost 30 points since the 5th grade. At 130 my I.Q. is nothing special. I could easily be mistaken for a guy with an I.Q of 110.

Not much really separates "the mearly gifted" from the guy with just an average intelligence. Unless you actually work at it. And I don't work at it. So you can take your measly 110 and with some hard work finish college and get a good job. With a good job you can get all the trappings of a nice middle class life style and you can convince yourself that what the world really needs is another middle management quality control engineer. Not that the world doesn't obviously need another quality control engineer, its just that I don't care about middle management quality control engineers and neither does the rest of the world.

What I am really trying to say is that then next time you feel compelled to tell me stories about your life as middle management quality control guy in the guise that your life stories are as exciting as working for the CIA- you should instead just continue to throw up on yourself, otherwise I just might have to vomit too.

I know that none of this has anything to do with Halloween, but that's ok. If you read my blog you know that if you want the stuff about Halloween you have to skip to the end of the post. I like to start my posts off as boring as possible, only then to reward the diligent reader by paying off at the end.

Not that I am planning on doing that today. But you get "it" anyway and that's why we have out little thing. You get to be in on the secret that less patient readers never get. I guess knowing that makes you feel good about yourself, and normally I would probably make fun of that, but I imagine that you might have other things going on in your life that make you feel good. Unlike me. I only have this blog and I guess that makes me pathetic. Even more pathetic than you, but then again if I wasn't here and feeling this pathetic you wouldn't have anyone around to make yourself feel better about. So in a way I am like Mother Teresa, except I spread self esteem to those who's self esteems would otherwise be unwarrantably high.

I decided to have a few beers while writing this post and I am on my second beer. The plan is to get drunk and walk down to Mill Ave., and watch all the girls in slutty costumes parade by. I think the parade is some kind of tradition that is not talked or written about, but that everybody kinda just knows happens. It's a good way to spend a couple of hours. The girls are drunk and wearing all the latest costumes, or they are all teenagers out for the night and away from adult supervision.

I like teens the most because they get creeped out when they notice me staring at them. I'm not shy when I am drunk on 'All Hallows Eve.' I get right into their faces and tell them they should not be dressing "slutty" if they don't want all the attention. I think women are better off knowing as early in life as possible that they can't control who they turn on and who's attention they behaviors elicit. If the kids still want to dress like that at least someone told them better.

I plan on taking lots of pictures and maybe some video clips. I am going to preface it all on the fact that I am interviewing these girls for my blog. I think I am going to get a lot of chicks to talk to me that would not give me the time of day normally, just so they can get their 15 seconds of fame.

To work up the courage to do that I am going to have to step up my drinking....

Visit the archives for more of my Halloween shit.


Anonymous said...

I noticed this year that all the teen costumes in the stores were very slutty..I should start handing out dollar bills instead of candy!

lucky charms said...

The scariest costume I saw last night was a guy with a makeshift mask and a suit who looked like he jumped right out of The Strangers.

The funniest costume I saw was two guys, one riding the others shoulders, dressed as the Ambiguously Gay Duo. They decided to direct traffic.

The sluttiest costume I saw was a girl dressed as a girl scout with her big white panties hanging out of her miniskirt. Her ass was yucky.

If you've ever watched Mean Girls, you know that the point of Halloween is to outskank all the other girls and top it all off with animal ears and a tail.

I was Oldine, the vengeful water-nymph :)

Romius T. said...


Dollar bills instead of candy. That was a great idea. I should have thought of that one too!


you act like I was not some kind of D&D playing nerd in high school like I don't know that water nymphs have a 4 armor class and 3 hit dice and can cast charm spells so as they can get all their drinks for free. Please all I need to do is cast a little detect magic and I would be on to you. Oh geez I think my inner geek just got out.

I saw quite a bit of slutty costumes.

One in particular was just a girl in a man's white dress shirt with a tie and panty hose. The girls would just unbutton the shirt and I guess that was the costume.

I am not sure what the costume was; but whatever, it worked for me.

lucky charms said...

That's what half of my friends wore to a pajama party last semester.

Typo.. it's spelled "Ondine" -- you should look it up regardless, because there's a disease named after the water nymph and I'm learning about it in class

KELSO'S NUTS said...

RT: It's posts like these that make you a lukewarm favorite for the HE HATE ME prize and why I keep coming back to this bar.

One of the great virtues of living in South America is that I never have to encounter guys who bake like onion rings under the flourescent lights at their offices in the exurban office park while doing Middle Manage Quality Control for Kwik-Kil Ant And Roach Paste.

I guess McCain should feature him on getaway day: "That Marxist one with all his fancy manners doesn't understand why Joe-the-baking-like- onion-rings-under-the-flourescent- lights-at-their-offices-in-the- exurban-office-park-while-doing- Middle-Manage-Quality-Control-for- Kwik-Kil-Ant-And-Roach-Paste-GUY...but two Mavericks like John McCain and Sarah sure do...I even served my country doing Middle-Management-Quality-Control-For-Kwik-Kil-Ant-And-Roach-Past in 1967...un, no...I mean I WAS A PRISONER OF WAR IN A VIETCONG CAMP...want to see the lumbar strain I got putting the roach paste...wait a second...that's not what I'm trying to say...well, fuck, I never won the MISS CONGENIALITY CONTEST at Kwik-Kil either."

But you be careful, don't want to end up on Megan's List!

Romius T. said...


the typo helped me find it. funny nmyph.


I hope I don't get on the megans list. I am trying to keep that shit on the down low.

Now I have just a luke warm shot at the hat me award. I hope I am getting warmer.