Monday, October 27, 2008

I end the long conversation over the bra found in my courtyard so I can get back to blogging

I don't have a phone. I am waiting on the FED EX guy to deliver my new cell phone. In the meantime, I must have pissed off my old phone carrier. They shut my pay-as-you-go phone down even though I have like 20 dollars left in the account. I guess I won't get that money back, but I will get to keep my old phone number which is really convenient for you if you are an ex stalker g/f of mine, or you met me on the internet and talked me into giving you my phone number.

I've been real busy this week. I attended a high school play put on by one of my co-workers. She promoted the The Miss Firecracker Contest at work by leaving posters by the time clock and by telling anyone who would listen that she was in a play. I guess she hoped that people at work would want to support her and the local high school by attending the play and shelling out the $3 for admission.

She would be wrong. No one cared and no one went to see her play other than me and two other dudes from work. One of the guys who went is a nice guy, but "Dairy Guy" and me are just perverts and the only reason I went to see the play was that I heard it was a bit "racy" for a high school play.

The play was Saturday night and I was tired after getting off work at 6:45. The play started in under an hour and I barely had time to go home and change out of my work uniform and make it back to the play. I considered blowing the whole thing off, but since I am a man of my word (I so seldom give it out is the only reason you cannot call me a flake) I decided to go ahead and attend.I felt good about myself on the drive over to my old Alma Matter. I told a person they could count on me showing up and then I went ahead and showed up. I was not just some lame 30 year old with no money and no future. I was a person you could count on.

Once I got to the play I was more than pleased with myself for being responsible. Only a few people attended the play. I counted almost no parents in the audience. Just a few friends of the people who were actually in the play. The play had only 6 cast members so you can see that the audience was quite tiny.

The lead actress in the play quite good. She has the dramatic over sell that is needed on the stage. My only complaint is that I am going deaf and I could not hear some of the lines. Only the featured actress really managed to project her voice. The rest of the cast forgot that they were not miked up. I should mention that the acting is way better than the acting in the video that I found and tried to embed on this post.

The play features several cuss words. The main character talks about how she slept around and got syphilis. The play also features several on stage costume changes that the hebophile in me really appreciated. I was in jail bait heaven.

The actress was very good looking and if I did not mention it before I should have. The lead actress has a firm dancers body. She wore high heels and dresses throughout the performance. The dresses hung on her the way a dress is supposed to hang on a women. There is a reason men design dresses for a certain body type. When you see the way a dress can hang on a young tight body in heels, you realize those designers are creating art. I now understand why most designers seethe with anger when asked to make a size 12 flatter.

I should mention the camel toe because the lead actress had to wear spandex and leotards for the first 2 scenes of the play. I should also mention that someone should teach teen girls how to sit and maneuver on stage in a dress because if you go all Britney Spears and flash your panties I can't be expected to look away even if the mother of said actresses are seated behind me and find my constant squinting and seat changes to be "noticeably without decorum." Fuck you. I paid my three dollars, and I am going to get my monies worth.

I wanted to let you to know that I am done talking to the X-Man about the bra he found in the courtyard of my condo.

I promise there is a connection to the first part of this story and the second part about the bra.

Like I said, I don't have a phone (here is the connection) right now. I guess Card Shark and the X-Man decided they wanted to hang out with me on Saturday. Since my phone is turned off they thought I was being an asshole by not calling them back. I was just busy watching a play and not having cell phone service.

After the play I went home and got online and read a few blogs. I did not have much time to read or blog (much less look at porn) before I heard a knock at the door. My two funny friends covered up the peep hole because they are seriously funny. I have no idea why they think that could fool me. The only people who cover the peep hole are cops and your drunk friends.

My friends showed up with Tecate and we started drinking beer. We went to the college bar where I drink alone at. I was hoping some of the staff would remember me and remember in the future when I sit alone at the bar that I have friends and I am not some kind of weirdo who should be avoided, but instead they should try and set me up with some of the hotties that frequent the bar.

We sat outside so Card Shark could smoke. I sat in the one chair that had no view of the action going on. I got pissed at myself for "always fucking myself" by sitting at the seat without a clear view of the action. Instead of sitting miserably with no view I got up and sat directly opposite of where I was sitting. I looked over a table full of college girls and spoke. "Don't worry, I just came to look. I won't bother you."

I think the girls were relieved.

We got treated to some full on XMAN with his XMAN craziness. He did his now world famous "I am staring at you in the face with as much intensity as I can to denote to you my truthful seriousness of the matter that I am speaking to you about."
I told x that he had all the seriousness of an infomercial and that the reason he fell for cults all the time was that he actually was serious and that he really believed all the crazy stuff he says and he agreed with me that his entire ideology was that of a self help guru infomercial. I thought I won the point on that debate but X just sat back smugly in his chair with an air of satisfaction.

Before 2 am I went to buy beer at the local gas station. We marched back to the condo prepared to drink till dawn and pass out at teh condo. The gang decided not to drink and drive because between us we have 5 D.U.I. convictions. "My friends have so grown up," I thought.

That was until Jesus showed up. Jesus is the x_man's brother. He got off work and called to ask if he could come over. When he showed up at the condo he carried with him a bra.

The bra was black. It belonged to the Victoria's Secret collection. Jesus smelled the bra several times in front of us. He said he could not ascertain whether the bra was new or not. He said he could not smell any body odor or perfume on the bra. What followed was like a transcript from one of those CSI programs that all you watch. We looked over the bra's size and determined the cup status. Double A.

"That means she had small tits." Jesus offered.

"And the cups have padding, so obviously this girl is trying to fool potential mates about he size of her breasts."

I am not proud of that observation, but I made it. And I report it to you because that is what I do. I report facts. YOU decide.

A number of explanations were offered forth on why a bra would be lying in the courtyard of the condo. Maybe a couple was going "at it" and forgot to retrieve the bra after an amorous encounter. I suggested that the bra fell out of a bag because it smelled like acetate and not people. In addition, the bra had the remnants of a plastic tag on it.

Jesus pronounced that, "No woman would wear a bra with a tag, it would be to uncomfortable!" I heartily seconded the point and it was soon agreed by all that the bra's owner had never worn the object. Once we decided that the bra had never touched a woman's skin (leaving in our opinion the distinctively likely explanation that the bra belonged to a blow up doll) we had our fill with the days events and called it a night.


lucky charms said...

Verizon, now, yes? When I got the enV way back, they transferred my contact list for free and gave me a free headset! Go to one of the stores and show them the box and act confused... :)

Romius T. said...

i think that only works with cute asian girls. i dont free stuff.