Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Billy Ray Cyrus is a true pervert

I couldn't decide what to do tonight. I thought I might go out and drink because I live next door to a bunch of college bars and I like watching sluts drink beer. I don't leave because I have no hope of getting laid at a college bar now that I am nearly 40.

Even though I know I won't get laid at the bar I still torture myself by arguing the upside upside of drinking at the bar. I figure I may only have a .1% chance of getting laid at the college bars but that is way better than drinking coke and siting here on my computer blogging all night where I have a zero chance of getting laid. If you don't count cyber sex with fat guys pretending to be fat chicks.

I'd watch TV but I don't have cable anymore. Without cable all I get are local channels which basically means I get PBS and Network TV. I used to think that I liked network TV, but I guess I don't because I don't even bother to have the TV on in the background while I surf the net. Other than Lost and a couple of other decent shows Network TV sucks.

I wasn't too worried about not having cable TV because I have the internet. I had this idea that I would download all my favorite TV programs from the internet. I heard about and I figured, "whatever TV shows don't get screened over the internet I could always steal from livewire."

I was wrong about that. I don't know a lot about stealing stuff off the internet. But I do know that stealing stuff off the internet ain't as easy as you might think. A lot of times what you download is not what you think it is. Many times the quality is shit. I have no desire to watch a pirated movie that some ass stole by capturing it on his cell phone. I guess what I am saying is that I require a little quality with my free thievery. What I do not require is a three hours of download time to get a copy of the Sex and the City Movie where a guy is munching popcorn and talking to his girlfriend the whole time he is recording.

Speaking of the intertubes I found this video of Miley Cyrus getting spoon fed whip cream and ice cream by her dad. Fast forward to the 2 minute mark for all the hot Dad on daughter action.

Miley Cyrus launches new shake at Millions of Milkshakes

I think that shit could have been cute if Miley was like 6 years old or something. But Miley is almost 16 and the only thing that feels creepier than watching Miley Cyrus eat the whip cream off her daddy's spoon is deciding that you don't need to go out to the bars after all because you've already jerked it to Miley's new video, and since you are almost 40 there is no possibility of getting another erection tonight even if you met one of those hot little ASU co-eds and inexplicably she wanted to fuck you.

Billy Ray has decided to enjoy the burgeoning sexuality of his teenage daughter and he is not going to feel guilty about it. He figures he was the reason she got all that singing talent and all her money. I guess that is why this latest "Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus doing something vaguely uncomfortable and inappropriate" video is not that news worthy to you, but I guess it still is for me because despite all the big talk you hear from me I still shock pretty easily.

The best thing about this video is that it proves Miley has no idea what is going on. She still thinks slutty poses are cute and funny. She does not realize that all those half naked pictures she posts on the internet for me and all the sexual innuendo she makes with her dad is just part of the role play daughters go through on their way to womanhood. Because Miley is famous we get to see it acted out before us. And because we are perverts we get to enjoy it.


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Dude, you know he's hittin' that.

Katie Schwartz said...

You are so fuckin sick. Ha.

I agree hard with you and Monkey, he is so bangin' betsy and friends from behind. I can't wait for their sex video, "Cyrus Fuckin'"


KELSO'S NUTS said...


Checking in on my favorite misanthrope. I didn't watch that video because christ I'm a parent. I have a boy who's eight years old and he's charming and all but he's not going to be Justin Timberlake. He's small like me and about half Panameno since my decampment. Nevertheless, I don't think dealing drugs is a crime. I think exploitation of children is a sin. I'm an atheist, but on that score, I'll suspend my disbelief and say "SIN".

On to cheerier topics....I don't know where you live but if you're in a college town and have easy access to casino or club poker where Cornelius H plays, you're well-situated to get laid all the time.

I got some money and I'm ok looking but that's irrelevant. If you have enough money to sit in a game with Connie Hawkins, you're good-to-go no matter what you look like. When I was in the states my business partners called me "MATCH.COM & JDATE MAN OF THE YEAR." My sister used to say to me to stop it because it was too easy and it was just like a "video game."

I probably got the FEWEST "winks" and emails of any dude on those sites but my first date fuck conversion percentage was out of control. The rule-of-thumb is you are a 9/1 underdog to get laid on the first day. I blasted that price to smithereens. And my third-date fuck conversion percentage was the statistical equivalent of 100%.

There's a trick to it and it has nothing to do with choosing ugly women or deformed women or anything like that. And your personality is perfectly suited to use the trick. It works online. It works in college bars. It works wherever.

I assume you've seen Seinfeld. Just use the GEORGE COSTANZA STRATEGY. Do THE OPPOSITE of what you would imagine you're supposed to do to get laid. As good a textbook on this as any is that stupid dating book THE RULES. Find a copy. Get familiar with THE RULES and break them all.

Except one convention you must obey. BE POLITE AND GENTLEMANLY.

Other than that, lead with your flaws and you're gin.

lucky charms said...

I still think slutty poses are cute and funny. Looks like I'm still on the road to womanhood as well.

I think most things are cute and funny though.

The line about pirating a movie by recording it on a cell phone made me laugh. I rarely actually laugh at things I read, but that one got me.

I read the comment before mine, and doing the opposite of what's expected will probably work because then the chick will think you're being genuine. I think chicks like it when guys are genuine. Even reluctantly so :)

Romius T. said...


I do indeed know Billy Ray is tappin' that ass. Prime grade too.


Best title for a porn I have heard in years!


I was playing a three six game at when I played connie hawk. 100 dollar buy ins. SO I am not rolling in the cash. I even need staking at that level/

I am condidering the online datying thing again. I can only afford to go with eharmony because they are offering a 3 months for 29.96 but I feel like the girls on eharmony are going to be too relationship oreiented. I should save for yahoo or a match,com
"lead wuth your flaws" best advice I have ever heard!

Lucky charms

I will take your advice. Glad I can make you laugh outloud while reading. And I like your slutty poses so keep them up@

KELSO'S NUTS said...


Forget eharmony. There's a reason it's cheap. Nobody's fucking! I never even bothered because I heard and saw the ads and a friend made a good case against eharmony.

It's owned and run by God-squadders and you're right, but it's worse than relationship-oriented; it's about marriage. NO ICE? NO SLICE!

The perfect indicator of how square eharmony is: of the well-known dating sites eharmony is the only one with a "no gay" rule. All the other big ones have a gay category. has biggest client base. is good because you get more intellectual women and if you put up a profile that's like your blog, witty and honest, you'll scare off the gold-diggers.

Adultfriendfinder is just for pure sex with no bullshit but you have to be careful. You can hook up with some interesting and adventurous women but there are a lot of scammers who are looking to rob you and a lot of hookers using the site as a fig leaf. With any experience as a blogger, though, it's easy to tell just from the words and sentence structure. The kinds of women you can get you jammed up in really bad situations don't have any rhetorical flourish to their writing.

This is THE SELF-HELP CENTER, after all.

DCup said...

Oh yuck. Resident Evil loves to listen to Miley Cyrus. This just creeps me out.

lucky charms said...

Last night, me and a bunch of my (hot, Asian) roommates went to a "college bar" (which is just a bar to us) and there was a whole crowd of older guys sitting across the bar from us, very obviously watching and pointing.

At one point, my friend started giving me a lapdance while I sat on a spinny barstool... what was my reaction? I wrapped my legs around her, of course. I probably should have stopped to think about the fact that I was wearing a miniskirt. I didn't even have time to unwrap before 2 different guys from two different directions walked over to hit on us.

Romius T. said...

A friend of mine is pushing eharmony. I like match's women. I am not jewish enuff to go to jdate. I may try a few different online places and blog about them all.


I need to hang out with you at a bar!


Miley is the bomb. don't worry. When I was in the 8th grade I liked michael jackson ...