I bet you can believe I am still single

I don't know about you, but I haven't been on a date in 4 years. Maybe that's because I like to sit around my house on the internet eating chocolate popcorn balls that I make out of microwaved popcorn and jars of Hershey syrup. I don't worry about getting all the chocolate on my undershirt because when I am home alone I don't wear an undershirt. I just try to avoid mirrors when I go topless because I have massive man tits that can easily be mistaken for a woman's 38 dd's when I am not wearing my glasses. I can't imagine anything worse than getting a boner from catching a glimpse of my man breasts in the mirror, only to discover that the reflection I saw was me and not some random hot chick, but then not caring that the reflection was me and masturbating to my massive man jugs anyway.

You would think a guy who hasn't had a proper date in 4 years and masturbates to his own man boobs might try to advertise his single status at work. I did by carrying around with me a copy of a book titled I Can't Believe I am Still Single. Only my plan backfired because every one at work now thinks I read lame self help books on dating because I am so pathetic I can't figure out how to get laid on my own. Here's the thing, the book isn't actually a self help book full of tips on how to get a date. The book is a memoir written by Eric Schaeffer.

In the book Eric discusses his dating life and his exasperation that he is still single, despite being a semi-famous semi-sane film maker and actor. I relate to Eric because I am smart, only slightly neurotic and depressed and a semi famous blogger on the internet. The book is funny and would appeal to all the readers of this blog. If you get me a date with your sister or ugly roommate I will pass it along to you free of charge.

Eric Shcaeffer can't believe he is still single. Whereas I am not at all that surprised by my bachelorhood. Being a guy I can't decide if I like being single and alone better than I like being in a relationship. If I were a woman I would say that I was waiting on the perfect relationship and if given the choice between living the fun single life and finding my perfect "partner in crime" I would choose the latter if I could ever find her.

Since I am guy I think I would kill myself if I ever used the term "partner in crime" unless I was actually engaged in a criminal activity and needed a partner and even then I would be hesitant about saying it.

I can be alone because I am not needy like you. I moved into the condo and I am enjoying all the freedom that comes from having your own place and not having to deal with a chick. I hate expectations and whenever people are around me I feel like I have to live up to things I could care less about.

I know if I don't change I will end up alone. I won't have any kids and I will watch my friends get married and die. I will go to their funerals and people will ask me if I am married. I will have to invent a wife. I know they won't want to hear the truth that my last g/f was on the internet and that was like 20 years ago. I know that sounds pathetic. But I am not sure how much more pathetic it is than securing myself a fat chick with 3 kids from two different baby daddies, because in dating terms that's about the best case scenario for me right now.

If I did land me some used up white trash, I am sure we will be on food stamps because I will be damned if I am going to get a second job just to feed some illegitimate mulatto kid that ain't even mine. I just hope the chick doesn't have her ex boyfriend's name tattooed down her arm. That way I won't be embarrassed every time she reaches into her purse to pull out the food stamp card and her sleeve hikes up a bit exposing my shame to the rest of the world like a little cuckolded bitch.