Thursday, October 09, 2008

I bet you can believe I am still single

I don't know about you, but I haven't been on a date in 4 years. Maybe that's because I like to sit around my house on the internet eating chocolate popcorn balls that I make out of microwaved popcorn and jars of Hershey syrup. I don't worry about getting all the chocolate on my undershirt because when I am home alone I don't wear an undershirt. I just try to avoid mirrors when I go topless because I have massive man tits that can easily be mistaken for a woman's 38 dd's when I am not wearing my glasses. I can't imagine anything worse than getting a boner from catching a glimpse of my man breasts in the mirror, only to discover that the reflection I saw was me and not some random hot chick, but then not caring that the reflection was me and masturbating to my massive man jugs anyway.

You would think a guy who hasn't had a proper date in 4 years and masturbates to his own man boobs might try to advertise his single status at work. I did by carrying around with me a copy of a book titled I Can't Believe I am Still Single. Only my plan backfired because every one at work now thinks I read lame self help books on dating because I am so pathetic I can't figure out how to get laid on my own. Here's the thing, the book isn't actually a self help book full of tips on how to get a date. The book is a memoir written by Eric Schaeffer.

In the book Eric discusses his dating life and his exasperation that he is still single, despite being a semi-famous semi-sane film maker and actor. I relate to Eric because I am smart, only slightly neurotic and depressed and a semi famous blogger on the internet. The book is funny and would appeal to all the readers of this blog. If you get me a date with your sister or ugly roommate I will pass it along to you free of charge.

Eric Shcaeffer can't believe he is still single. Whereas I am not at all that surprised by my bachelorhood. Being a guy I can't decide if I like being single and alone better than I like being in a relationship. If I were a woman I would say that I was waiting on the perfect relationship and if given the choice between living the fun single life and finding my perfect "partner in crime" I would choose the latter if I could ever find her.

Since I am guy I think I would kill myself if I ever used the term "partner in crime" unless I was actually engaged in a criminal activity and needed a partner and even then I would be hesitant about saying it.

I can be alone because I am not needy like you. I moved into the condo and I am enjoying all the freedom that comes from having your own place and not having to deal with a chick. I hate expectations and whenever people are around me I feel like I have to live up to things I could care less about.

I know if I don't change I will end up alone. I won't have any kids and I will watch my friends get married and die. I will go to their funerals and people will ask me if I am married. I will have to invent a wife. I know they won't want to hear the truth that my last g/f was on the internet and that was like 20 years ago. I know that sounds pathetic. But I am not sure how much more pathetic it is than securing myself a fat chick with 3 kids from two different baby daddies, because in dating terms that's about the best case scenario for me right now.

If I did land me some used up white trash, I am sure we will be on food stamps because I will be damned if I am going to get a second job just to feed some illegitimate mulatto kid that ain't even mine. I just hope the chick doesn't have her ex boyfriend's name tattooed down her arm. That way I won't be embarrassed every time she reaches into her purse to pull out the food stamp card and her sleeve hikes up a bit exposing my shame to the rest of the world like a little cuckolded bitch.


lucky charms said...

Maybe my "happily single" tshirt comment should be here! Anyway, I bet you could land a bunch of chicks if you got yourself some really nice button down shirts, rolled up the sleeves, wore some well-fitting jeans, got some nice shoes, and a pair of plastic frame glasses. Maybe you don't need glasses. Get fake ones. I'm the queen of makeovers.

While you're at it... try that wax I suggested on bathos :D

Freida Bee said...

I'm disqualified on about 4 counts from your ideal criteria here. You know, fat chicks aren't so bad, 'cause not only is it ok for you to get fat; it's encouraged. It brings peace and security to the relationship as she realizes she's the best you can do. Plus, you can share bras.

Romius T. said...


I own one pair of nice jeans and a few collard shirt. I still look a fat in them. Some are just a tad big on me and ok some are fashion from three years ago. My shoes are ok not bad, I need to get some cooler glasses. I need to win a 5000 dollar visa card from the tv show what not to wear. Oh I can't see without glasses.


The best thing about fat chicks is they let you eat and they also squeel during sex. Fat women love sex and if you want to know why I could write a post about that.

lucky charms said...

You know what "What Not To Wear" is! I feel like that could help you score with the faghag crowd :) Just start saying "fabulous" and I bet you could fool some chicks into thinking you're gay. Then, at the very least, they'll start changing their clothes and posing in front of you.

Romius T. said...

Sometimes I wonder about myself. I am 2 seconds away from screaming fabulous already. But I love the what not to wear.

I refrence the show in my best post (in my opinion) you can find the post amont the I writee stories tag if you have not read it yet I would encourage it.

Gosh, sounds like I am giving homework now.

lucky charms said...

I can't find the two shirts I mentioned before, but I did find these!

I would have worn them and taken a pic, but I think the shirts are suggestive enough... and let's just say dcup isn't the only dcup around here bwahaha

I'll look for the other two the next time I go home. And yes, I read and commented on my homework assignment :)

lucky charms said...

I found one!!

Romius T. said...

I just need to know who's boobies those belong to !

lucky charms said...

.....that's my shirt and those are my boobs. haha

Romius T. said...

impressive young lady...