Monday, January 05, 2009

Best Week Ever

I get suspended from Work!

I wanted to start the New Year off with a bang. I guess that is why I ended up getting suspended from work. I am off for the next three days. I bet you are wondering why such a good worker got suspended. If you are wondering then you don't pay any attention to what you read. I told you guys a while back that a check got lost while I was working at customer service.

I did not say I lost it. I have no idea what happened to the check. All I know is that when my boss reviewed the DVR tape she could not tell what happened to the check. I don't see how that is possible. I had the check. She saw me "frank" it. She just can't tell what I did with the check afterwards.

Personally I think that shit sounds suspect. You see clearly what is going on...then all of a sudden nothing is clear? I refuse to take responsibility for the things I know I do wrong. I have a real hard time coming to understand anything where neither party is sure what happened. But since my drawer was short over 200 dollars because of the missing check I get a 3 day suspension.

Suspensions in the retail industry are nothing to worry about. Normally that is. I got suspended for having 4 tardies last year. It is just how the grocery business works. Personally, I think it kind of stupid. But that is just my take on things.

The only thing about it is that a friend at work (the dude who wants to go 4 wheeling) told me how every single 3 day suspension he has ever seen has ended with a person getting fired. That freaked me out a little obviously, because I don't make a dime off this website despite the fact that you won't find the kind of entertainment you find here anywhere else in the world. I mean I podcasts, TV for the Internet, my radio station, 3 blogs. I give and I give to you people. I get nothing but the occasional comment about how brilliant I am and usually that is enough to keep me going. Of course if I lose my job I will be homeless for real, because I am sure Card Shark's wife won't want to give up the spare bedroom to rescue a homeless bum.

I can't say I blame her as bums stink and use a lot of toilet paper as they are not used to being able to wipe their ass and whenever you let a homeless person inside to use your "facilities" expect them to steal all your toilet paper and aspirin. Even if the the homeless person is really just some under age post hippie "Mill Rat" which is a term we use around here for young white people who purposefully live on the street or take to wearing the same clothes everyday and begging for change in downtown Tempe. Some guy wrote an online book about a mill ave rat who is some kind of super hero. You can read it here.

My Ingrown Toe still hurts. I get accosted in a bathroom. I get hit on by a chick. I get cock blocked by the X-man.

I think it has been a week now but my ingrown toe still hurts. It is still infected. Luckily I added a bump to the head to even things out. I was in the bathroom stall at Casey Moore's when the door flew open and hit me in the head. If you know Casey Moore's then you know that the door is made of god damn steel and you know the place is supposed to be inhabited by a ghost. Do the math.

I still got hit on by chick when we checked out the Time Out bar. The TimeOut bar is a hipster heaven. My friends and I were the only people in the bar without makeup, tattoos, or body piercings. I guess we are original like that.

We played pool. Me, X-Man, and his brother. His brother looks a lot like Jesus. I always suggest that Jesus start a cult. He never wants to.

I was checking my email while the brothers played pool. Some girl walks over to me and gets in my personal space. She tells me, "Whatever you are looking at must be interesting." I guess she feels that being in hipster heaven is good enough for her. But looking at a bunch of posers and wanna be's gets boring and my friends can't play pool for shit. It's actually kinda embarrassing how bad we are at pool. And anyway sometimes I get e-mail that tells me how great a writer I am and I love getting that e-mail more than I love hooking up with fat bitches, and y'all know I live to hook up with fat chicks.

This girl is skinny though. She has bleached hair. She is drunk out of her mind. She wants to know if my e-mail is for work. I wonder how many people at hipster dive bar have blackberries that go off on the half hour reminding them to get that graphic design in before the deadline or their shit is canned. "I think all hipsters are graphic designers." I tell her. I am full of theories.

The e-mail is a notification from YouTube that someone has subscribed to my YouTube videos. I am fucking shocked by that. I had no idea anyone ever watched those. I was happy. She wanted to see my video so I showed her the video of the crazy talking pencil who is "not thinking about vagina!" She could not hear the video over the crowd noise and my on the spot impression voice over did not make her laugh.


Just as I am closing the video the X man walks over. He is having issues since he has not gotten laid much. He starts fights now in Scottsdale. He introduces himself and gets the name of the chick. Aurora. "Like the car." Thankfully, I keep that thought to myself. I run out of beer and decide to get another beer. I thought I was making a point for me and the chick to go get a beer and get a away from X. She is too drunk for subtlety. She walks off. I get a beer and X man gets a phone number. He asked and she handed out the digits like they were free or something.

X defends his thugishness in the car. He calls me a pussy. He say it took him only 10 seconds to get the digits. I remind him that she walked up to me and that he was not a good wing man. A good wing man does not swoop down and prey on the drunk and weak. He works to get his "boy" laid. X just wants to talk about how is going to end up killing people at McDonald's if he can't get laid. I tell him about She Male prostitutes on Van Buren. For 10 dollars they can take care of that problem. "But that chick was hot!"

"That ain't no defense, man." I tell him. "So you are a good friend and wing man unless the chick is hot?"

We get more beer and head back to my place. Jesus calls his go go dancing girlfriend. Her name is Sara and she wears boots that look like the are made of fur. She looks cute and she enjoys drinking bottles of my Balatore Rose Champagne. We play 3 man (the dice game).

Sara makes a rule after rolling three doubles. Anytime a player rolls a 6 they have to drink 6 shots. That rule is fucked up. We are getting hammered now.

After a few hours I kick aside the music of hip hop that my gangster friends like. Then I make a discovery of EPIC PROPORTIONS. Sara LOVES my favorite rock band of ALL TIME. Sara loves UFO!

I think I just met my dream girl. A go-go dancer who drinks bottles of Cheap champagne and loves UFO. "This girls is awesome!" I exclaim to Jesus. "Marry this girl! Right now!" I demand. I don't think Jesus wants to marry her. Jesus hates 70's music. I see myself in 5 years married to Sara with our kids being second generation UFO fans. The idea makes me want to cry. "I love Sara." I tell Jesus. "I can believe I met a girl that likes UFO." Neither of my friends can believe it either. Jesus wants to dump Sara just because she likes UFO. But first he takes her back to her place, or more likely she takes him back to her place. I bet they are going home to fuck. Even though Jesus won't marry her. Even though Jesus hates UFO.


Since God is punishing me I have decided to go CHURCH. Tuesday I will attend the services of Bob Larson. Bob is a demon chaser. Bob performs exorcism. I new a guy who worked with me that now works for Bob. That shit is crazy. I plan on taking a few friends down and checking it out. I plan a post tomorrow. I have posted some videos about BOB (his TV show on the SCIfi Network over at Bathos.


Superior Parrot said...

Maybe Bob Larson will give you a job, too, and you'll make a hell of a lot more money than you make at the grocery.

Just a thought, my friend.

Romius T. said...

that would be awesome! I cant wait to start my own cult, it has always been a dream of mine.