Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Reading this post will be difficult for you, try to anyway

I write a personal ad for craigslist:

I am going to try something different. I am not going to try and appeal to you. At first this will discombobulate you. But if you give into the feeling, if you get past the dizziness that will most likely ensue, then perhaps you will be rewarded.

I was given some advice awhile back. When it comes to women, "always lead with you faults."

Before I do that, allow me first to assuage YOUR fears. I am not looking for a "barbie doll." It appears that most of the women on Craigslist assume men want only a barbie doll.

We do not ALL want a barbie doll. Not that a wonderful, witty, caring women couldn't also be wrapped in large breasts, which we could then rest on top of a slender waste, and her face then capped by blond hair. I for one would have no problem with that. Even though I prefer petite, dark haired women who have more of that "exotic" look to them.

So don't go running off from this long post, "just because Cosmo says you ain't all that."

Though I imagine that most of you have already left. That is only because you are not used to my experiment. What I am doing is requiring you to engage text in order to understand me.

We are just a couple of paragraphs in. I hope you will stick around. We have so much to cover. If the the task of wading through dozens of words is too much for you, then by all means surf away. I hear on youtube there is a video of someone doing something, and most likely it involves a strike to the crotch.

Don't get me wrong. I am not a snob. I am not educated. At least in the non auto didactic sense of the word. Nor am I normally overly pedantic. Though you would be correct to suggest my verbosity today is reminiscent of a high schooler right before taking his SAT's and as such is highly insulting to anyone who did not need google to understand what I just said. Frankly, if you were interested enough in staying in our conversation to use a dictionary I would only have praise for you. In due course I will return to a more straight forward style.

Now that "they" are gone. We can get down to me leading with all my bad qualities. The qualities you may wish to have no part of. If this is so, then so be it.

What I am trying (badly) to tell you is that I am the man of your dreams. At least I am the man of your dreams that you (all you women) say you want. You want a man who has something on his mind. You want jokes.

But of course none of that is true is it? What you want is something more like daddy.

You are going to start calling me names now.

Call me a slacker. But I have transportation, a job, and a place of my own. So wade gently in this stream. I must apologize for rambling. I was going to write this ad much earlier in the day, but I did not. I had no time. I had to go to work, so much of what I am writing now is simply translation of what I can recall.*

* If it helps imagine the earlier version was funnier. It was also much more condescending. In addition it was terribly vile. I made a point about how sick I am of reading how "weary" women on Cragislist are of men. I take then to task, I suggest I would rather have a man infected with the Ebola virus puke on me. I describe his yellow teeth.

I compare the bile the man vomits on me to the sores of an ingrown toe nail. I mention the treacle of blood. I don't think that scored me any points. And I am sure some of you were frightened off by just the description of what I thought about.

I should make some crack about how dainty you are being, about how attracted you are to me anyway, because for the first time in your lives a man is treating you as an equal. He is telling you what he really thinks. I live richly in a highly developed inner world. I must know only the imaginary, because I expect that somewhere out there a women might be able to handle this.

Of course I am wrong I am sure. You have no desire to shed the old rules or the old expectations. If not, go cover up your tattoos and dust off the old unicorn posters you have hidden in your basements. Most of you still have those dark fantasies of being protected by the knight in shining armour.

Need we discuss this generation of women folk's insipid fascination with all things "princess?" I hope not. I am sure at least some of you are as sickened as much by such things as I am. Some one out there wants a partner. A co-equal.

If you can, imagine a way around your brains biology where you won't look for the man to dominate you. If right now you have a sickening feeling in your stomach. If you have dreaded every word I have said, know this: that is just a cruel trick of your evolutionary past.

Your revulsion is your refusal to grow past your monkey brain and actualize your true human essence. I can be of some help there in your struggle. Maybe for a time you will depend on me. But soon together we will have you flying. Soaring.

I should mention of course that plenty of Lesbians have thrown off those shackles, and yes Lesbians try and get with me. That is because they think I am some weak girlie man that they can dominate.

That is crap.

I do not want your strap-on dildo.*

*not that there is anything wrong with adventuresome sex.

If you have read to the bottom of this ad then perhaps you would like to send me an e-mail. Or maybe you need help. I hear METH is fun for the first few weeks.

Either way let us explore those possibilities.

Your picture gets my picture.

All I ask is that you be not some hideous woman. I am not hideous. I am not beautiful in body like (take your pick of movie stars ladies) I just refuse to accept a women several tiers below me in attractiveness.

Don't get defensive. WE ALL FEEL THIS WAY. That is what you mean by saying "chemistry is required." What you say with the use of pleasantries I say with force of facts. FACTS are on my side of course as you may have naturally ascertained through reading this ad. Either way, happy hunting. Good night and good luck!

Part 2 is over at Bathos for the Misanthropic.


Beloved Parrot said...

Oh sweetie, if only I were 20 years younger . . .

Romius T. said...

Dammit. If only....

Pain said...

We have a link in our pictorial blogroll for both this site and bathos now We hope you get Gordo traffic!

This is a brilliant spot of work.

We, Ourselves of the Collective are eager to read part 2 . . .