Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Stop being nice. Women don't want dick, they want "dicks?"

I know you didn't notice anything different yesterday about the blog. But the fact is that I altered the blog. I made a "whole sale" change to the writing style you were used to. I wanted to write in more of a prose style and less of a bloggy confessional style. The change was supposed to help me in my vain and stupid dream of becoming a professional writer. I figured I can't keep writing in the same silly style of the drunken stepfather because he does it a lot better than me and because it has never gotten me the hits or fame it was supposed to.

What I wanted to do was work on my "craft." So that is why I wrote about sunlight and tried to add description to my normal blog stuff. From the underwhelming results I know that attempt (just like every thing else in my life)- was a big fat failure.

One person left a note that it was "interesting." My future wife thought it was good, but she also thought it was just like all my other stuff, so she really did not see what the big deal was that I was making about how I was going to make over the blog and become a writer. I guess that is because I suck at writing.

I also suck at getting girlfriends. I was hanging out with Card Shark and Mrs. Card Shark and Mrs. Card Shark said that I should just avoid trying to get with intelligent women because they will assume that I am beneath them. Then she asked how my love life was going.

I told her it was shit because I am sick of fucking hideously ugly women, sick of dating mental retards, and tired of getting involved with emotional basket cases.

"When I eliminate the women who are normally attracted to me i.e. the chubby, stupid, and drama queens. I really eliminate any possibility of being with someone. That is why I am alone right now because I would rather be alone than date the women I can get."

I also told her how I did not think it was fair that I had to date ugly chicks and she wondered if I had my standards to high. When I informed her that I thought about 60% of the female population was attractive she said, "the chicks that want you are hideously ugly?"

"Yes!" I replied. "They really are ugly. I is almost unfair that I have to have sex with the chicks that I have sex with. I see lots of guys that pool better ass than me that don't have jobs and are way uglier than me. But for whatever reason I just can't seem to attract or get nice girls or good looking ones. I am not asking for a supermodel. I just don't want to date someone 2 or 3 levels below my own mediocre status."

It seems that the Mrs. had assumed that I wanted a supermodel. I guess all women think men want a supermodel. But that is because women don't understand men even though we are really easy to understand. We all most always mean what we say. When we don't it is because we are lying and when we lie it is just to get in your pants. Men like sex. We can find a lot of different kinds of women sexy. And we just want a women who pretends to understand us and accept us for who we are. That ain't that difficult ladies.

When we are nice to you it is because we like you. When we like you we want to fuck you. Sure, sometimes we want to fuck other people when we want to fuck you. But you can blame God for that. What we really want is for you to cook dinner once or twice a week. Make our beds for us. Tell us when we are being seriously stupid. Sex 3 to 5 times a week. Plus the occasional affair if we promise not to get caught or rub your faces in it. We promise in return to remember your birthday and to buy you a dishwasher on our anniversary.

I know that does not sound like a fair tradeoff to you ladies, but the truth is men don't have a lot to offer women. At least most men don't. I guess that is why women choose the tall ones, or the good looking ones, or the rich ones. I don't blame you for that even though I know I tend to run my mouth a bit at you all. That's just because I am sick of the hypocrisy most women (and yes men) have. Women are always telling guys that they want a guy who can make them laugh or have a conversation with.

I tell you what. I am good at all that shit. I can show you I care in lots of little ways. I'll rub your back when it hurts. I will remember you are out of conditioner when I go to the store. And if you are in to my wacky world view I can keep you entertained for hours listening to the crazy stories and internal landscape that is my imagination.

But chicks don't really want that. Chicks are still grounded in their evolutionary history. Which is why chicks go for the bad guy. As Mrs. Card Shark put it, "Women want to know that a man can protect a woman even though we don't live in a world of bears and tigers trying to eat you. If a guy is kind of dick then you can imagine him beating up your enemies or saving you from a wild fire or whatever your insecurities are."

I guess what I learned from a Mrs. Shark is that if you are "nice" women don't see you as protective and being protective is one of the things women look for (if only unconsciously.)

She also said that I shouldn't ask a girl out by saying "we should hang out sometime" because that will get you in the friend zone. I thought I would pass on the knowledge I get from my female friends to all you homeless losers trying to get laid. I know none of this advice means much to any of you as most of you live in the basement of your parents homes and can't imagine anything more thrilling than a a fake blow job from a World of Warcraft prostitute even though the female character is mostly likely played by a dude. But really since when has that bothered you? Certainly not since the time when you were 8 and your mom caught you taping your penis together with your only friend's penis. I have no idea how your Mom managed to make it through that day, but I imagine it was with a lot of alcohol, so don't blame her weak kidneys on the drink, blame it on your homoerotic tendencies.


Anonymous said...

" . . . not since the time when you were 8 and your mom caught you taping your penis together with your only friend's penis. I have no idea how your Mom managed to make it through that day, but I imagine it was with a lot of alcohol . . . ."

Dude, you shouldn't be taking advice from Ms. Card Shark unless she's a licensed therapist. You need real help. BTW, how did the exorcism go?

Romius T. said...

I did not go to exorsit. I WILL this tuesday. I promise. Also, I dont use real doctors which is why my toe is still infected.