Tuesday, January 13, 2009

This is my life, Only fictionalized

The sunlight does not peak in. It breaks in on a mission to disturb my sleep. It slices through my window and the cheaply made blinds. It crosses my bed in sharp bands that fall on my head.

I tuck my head underneath a pillow. Now that I am awake the daylight seems to only want to cuddle up next to me. It nudges me. It hopes to wake me gently. Like I have something terrible important to do in a few hours, and I should get a head start.

My sinuses are heavy this morning. My eyes are full of sleep that I rub on my pillow (that ineffective barrier to my conscious life.)

The first thing I do in the morning is turn on the computer. I press the wake up button and the computer balks. It bellows and screams like a drunken 50 year old at noon. It churns and clicks for a few minutes, but finally connects to the Internet.

I check my e-mail. Nothing important. Just a notice that my insurance bill in due. "Just a friendly reminder, not a cancellation notice." The e-mail says. To make sure I know the e-mail is friendly the message has a picture of a cartoon spokesman looking quite dopey and sad about the possibility of losing his car insurance, or maybe he is sad thinking about the possibility of losing me as a customer.

I am not sure why I am supposed to interpret the warning as cute just because the message is sent in the form of a drawing. In a way the drawing is more sinister. The mixed message of the cartoon disturbs me. I am sure the guy who thought it up comes straight out of a Quentin Tarintino movie. I am sure he sits at his desk wise cracking all the while thinking of ways to fuck you over. The kind of guy who always has a cigarette in his hand. He is waving the cigarette at passers by and munching on Funyuns. He sweats too much and hasn't had a date in six years.

Not a real date. The last date the guy had he brought a woman over to his place and showed off all his strange cartoon characters. I guess he though if he explained himself to women they might "get him." He figured the only reason he wasn't getting LAID is people never saw the real "him."

So the girl takes one look at the comic book land this funny little insurance dude creates and walks right out the door. Doesn't even stop to tell the guy that she is leaving. She gets the dude alright. Good enough to know that she should not be alone with a cat like that. She just hops out the door so quick that her purse straps get caught. She re-opens the door just long enough to retrieve the straps. You can hear her high heels click down the hallway.

I can't decide what I am going to eat today. I told myself yesterday that I was going to start eating healthy. But that was yesterday and today I just find myself with my ass seated firmly in my chair. I can feel the shit squashing down in my intestines. I decide to pop in some pizza bagel bites because I know how fast and easy they will be to prepare. The only other thing to eat in the house is eggs and bacon, and I figure bagel bites have slightly less cholesterol so I am probably being healthy.

I have to let the bagel bites cool. The last time I ate one too quickly and the sauce burned my lip. It looked like I had herpes or chapped lips for two weeks. I think the bagel sauce must have burned off the skin completely or something because a section of my lips turned dark black and scabby.

I look down at my cell phone. I have a message from a girl I met online. She lives in Hawaii. She lives in tropical paradise. I tease her all the time that I want to move in with her. I tell her how much I love to go sunbathing, and how good I am at body surfing. "As good as Steve Martin." I text her.

I tell her Steve Martin because I noticed some funny pictures of him body surfing on the Internet today. I am sure she has no idea about Steve Martin body surfing. Even though she has been awake for 6 more hours than I have. Some people just don't have their priorities straight. How am I supposed to communicate with someone if they are not up to school with today's celebrity gossip?

I need to get ready to go to work soon. I will have to take a shower. I work in less than 2 hours.

I drink flavored ice tea with my pizza bagel bites. The ice tea is decaffeinated and has hints of orange nectar. I think it turns my poop green. I have to blow my nose and I have to try not to examine the contents of the tissue. Ever since I saw Eddie Murphy in concert talking about how 'everybody looks at their snot' I have had an overwhelming desire to look through my tissues after I blow my nose. Before the Eddie Murphy concert I never wanted to. I am not sure what kind of mind control Eddie Murphy has over me, but I wish he would stop.

I am not sure what orange nectar is.

I am considering having a couple of Hostess Cupcakes for dessert. I have tons of cupcakes, because I bought two packages at work last night. They were buy-one-get-one-free.

I sip my tea from a purple plastic cup. I worry about drinking out of cups that come straight from the dishwasher. I don't use the heat setting on the dishwasher so the cups never come out fully dry.

Tthe cups have droplets of water collected inside them even when you turn them upside down and place them in the cabinet for a couple of days. I always turn my cups upside down whenever I place them in the cabinet. It was a trick I learned from my Mom. She did that to prevent the cockroaches from crawling around on the inside of our glasses. I guess she figured that you could always wash the out side of the cup. But who wants to think about how a roach was creeping around the inside of your cup?

Not me for sure. That's why I always make sure to keep my glasses turned down. Not that I have any roaches in my apartment. I don't. I just remember being traumatized by waking up one day at my Mom's place after the divorce. The floor was covered with cockroaches. So many you could not take a step without walking on a few dozen. The cockroaches outnumbered us by at least a million to one. There was no food in the house, so the roaches were desperate to eat anything. They would not scatter whenever you turned the lights on like at most houses. They would just continue to eat away at the package of bread that was accidentally left out on the counter.

I remember 4 or 5 roaches had bunched up on the top of the bread. I can't remember if they where just eating from a whole in the bread package or if the combined efforts from 5 roaches teeth were enough to pierce the thin layer of protective plastic away from the bread. I just remember turning off the lights in defeat and the cracking noises from stepping on bugs as I walked back to my room wearing shoes.

I think I just lost my appetite. I had my second helping of bagel bits sitting in the toaster oven and I can't bring myself to eat them now.

I know what you are thinking. "That's gross! But is it true?" It's true. Every word. Except the "cracking noises" the bugs made when you walked on them. In general the roaches were quick enough to get out of your way when you walked.

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