Friday, January 30, 2009

I read the bible

I know I have told you this before, but I really hate my life. The only time I don't hate my life is when I am on the internet, and I am not talking about all the time I waste on writing this blog, but all the time I waste watching Stickam.

Now for those of you who don't know what Stickam is I am sure you have at least heard of Google, so I don't think I need to waste my time explaining what something is when all you have to do is type a few words into your magic looking box and out comes the answer.

The only other time I have fun when I am not watching young girls strip on chat cams is when I read the Bible.

Reading the Bible is fun. But only if you know where to look.

I know reading the bible could never be your idea of fun. That's because your idea of fun is getting knocked up by some guy you can't stand because normally you never let dick anywhere near your vagina without a condom. But that no condom rule of action is only for the guys you like. The guys you say you respect.

You save all your dirty fucking without a condom for the guys without a job, or the office mate that has two kids and a girlfriend, or when you are really feeling horny you go all bareback with your cousins fiance. Of course that guy had already knocked up your cousin and her sister, but that won't stop him from knocking your ass up too.

All I know is that family reunions must be weird at your house, but you and your new baby daddy love to tell anybody who will listen how happy you are with your 4 kids and your greasy monkey sex, even though you have nothing in common with each other, except that you both like to make jokes about how you never wanted to hook up with each other, and were just hoping for a quick booty call, but now you have decided to get classy and stay married.

A couple of years later one of you decides that the only way to make sure "little bobby" learns is by throwing him through a plate glass door and now you are both fighting child abuse charges, but at least you have Jesus.

I opened that bible you are always talking about at random because that's how I assume the holy ghost works. Through random shit like that. I opened that bible and I discovered what is now my favorite bible quote:

"When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;

And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.


And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.

In case you can't understand Old English, god just gave you permission to take a love slave from your enemy. As long as you shave her head and clip her nails.

That is big time crazy if you ask me. And if you are wondering what the big deal is about that passage, it's that the same chapter of the Bible is used by Christians as justification to go after the gay people.

If you stop and think about that for just one second, you realize everything you need to know about magic, spirits, gods, and gay bashing.

If on the other hand you have a few ready made excuses after reading that passage I suggest you go ahead and start planning on how you are going to fire bomb that abortion clinic you protest every Sunday after church, because god is spiteful and cruel to those who yank fetuses out his followers, but he rewards slave holders with untold riches. Just like thow this blog still rewards you with abortion jokes ....after all these years....


6 comments:

Stephanie said...

Don't ask me why but I enjoyed everything about this particular post.

LC said...

When I was in Catholic elementary school, me and my friends would read Song of Solomon and giggle about all the sex parts.

Romius T. said...

Dear Stephanie

The reason you were effected by this blog is that I have reached deep down somewhere into your private parts and scraped something that you thought was just a myth, something that you thought existed only to sell magazines to twentysomething females.

LC

Are you drunk blog commenting?? It is 3 am in your part of the country. I bet you are drunk. If so then I have to wonder if I can convince you to send me half naked pictures. And If I can then you might as well be full nude. I am sure my internet g/f won't mind. and if she does, well she never puts out....

LC said...

My sobriety status is privileged information. The same applies to any and all photos, and the potential truthfulness of that Onion article. I can still fit in my pleated skirt, though.

Stephanie said...

Maybe it was just UFO.

Romius T. said...

LC

that means you wuz drunk, fool.

STEPH

You just became one of the KOOL KIDS. YOur love of UFO has gained my respect like you would not believe!!!