Wednesday, December 03, 2008

You should go ahead and hate your life if you can't be glamorous

You are not glamorous

In case you did not notice I don't feel like blogging right now. I am not sure when it happened or why. Not that it matters, as no one reads this blog anyway. And if they do read it, they get bored half way through most of the posts which I guess means you treat me better than most of the way people have treated you. They've been bored for years over your shit, and stopped paying attention way back, but that's OK at least you've got me. I care about you the same way I care about all the random moles that are collecting around my body. I hate them but I guess they will always be around, and since they are a part of me I have to get used to the idea of being seriously deformed, and missing out on all the good things in life like hot chicks and cocaine.

I guess I could do cocaine because all cocaine takes is 20 dollars and a taxi ride to the bad part of town. But I won't do that. Not because I think drugs are bad or immoral, and not because I worry about cops or doing shit that is illegal. No, the reason I don't do cocaine is because coke is glamorous, and there is nothing glamorous about my life.

watching Netflix until 4 am
waking up three times to pee
listening to my phone alert me to new spam messages in my e-mail

I live in dilapidated places

I found another leak in my condo. This time the leak is coming from my bathroom sink. The water shut off valve broke when I attempted to stop the water from dripping. The metal crumbled in my hands like the ashes from my failed life. The valve broke just like the last time I had a leak in my bathroom (the day of the toilet disaster) it will be impossible to stop the water and we must hope a few towels soak up the leak until it can be fixed.

My land lord was very happy to hear about another leak to fix. In the two months I have lived here in the condo, I have reported three leaks to him. No wonder my rent is going up.

I wrote this screenplay for you because I keep hope alive

I am just going to keep hoping that everything is ok because the hoping is the only way I know how to cope with things when they go bad. That's why I consider myself an optimist even when nobody else does. No matter what happens to me I can always day dream that things will get better and I can always pretend to myself that things are not as bad as they seem. That's why I spend all my time in a fantasy world.

Last night on my bed for a good hour I wrote a screen play about the financial crisis in this country.

In the screen play I got a second job as a data entry guy at a law firm. In the course of my duties I find a few smoking guns that pointed to criminal behavior.

I trick the CEO's lawyers into bribing me a couple of million dollars for my silence.

I give a dramatic speech to the lawyers [who are very skeptical that I won't turn them in- they present my membership in the Democratic and communist parties]

I convince the lawyers that I want what was always promised to me.

(I will try to recreate from memory here folks)

My mother always told me I was special
I guess everybody's parents tell them they are special.
But my problem was that I BELIEVED THEM.
I thought I was special, and special people just wait around for good things to happen to them, because the universe rewards smart and special people.

I never tried because I was convinced that things work their way out. I new I had nothing to worry about because I was the smartest person I knew.

So I got nothing. I never got anything and dI was promised the beautiful woman and the fancy job, and all the respect of my peers and fame and maybe even some lasting postive impact on the world. My name isn text books for 6th graders to memorize.

They hand over the money real quick after that. I pretend to give them back the evidence I collected on them.

I know they are "watching over me" so my plan is to live the "good life" as quietly as possible. I go to strip clubs. I secretly pay off all my bills. I get a nice sound system in my truck. I quit my job and tell everyone I found a better job as an advertising copyrighter. I pay for all the drinks and meals when I go out with my friends, but I can't pay for anything big whenever hard times hit them because that would give away my secret.

After about a year or two later I go on 60 minutes and give my story. I offer some evidence, but not everything I have. The CEO's mock me because I don't offer any proof and just give my word. No one belives me, but I get called before a congressional hearing and I deliver another emotional and awe inspiring speech.

I tell people [for some reason I break into a real thick southern accent]

that you "fall in love with the personality"
but you gotta live with the character
and in my case
the character
"ain't so great"

I got a nice'd like it...we should hang out sometime...but I am not so good at always doing the right thing. I ain't what you'd call a great person..

The congressman is correct in suggesting you can't just take my word, but I ain't worried about going to jail

I have shamed my family. And they want no part of me.

I have lost my wife. My one true love. She has filed for divorce. I've lost her.

I have shattered the trust of the only people who have ever truly cared about me, my friends. And they have rightly abandoned me.

There is nothing you can do to me, congressman that I have not already done to myself, but worse.

50% of y'all are republicans and won't believe a word I say. But I am not the messenger of "Truth" like I always wanted to be. No, I am nothing now but the imperfect weapon of Justice these MEN

[I point my finger dramatically.]

I offer up the briefcase full of incriminating evience.

The movie ends there.

But if we make a TV series I have this second idea that I set up a secret deal with congress and they set me free so I can investigate how the CEO's of the world are actually Lizards from outerspace who plan on killing all of mankind.

[there was stuff I left out of the recap-no time to tell you about the space lizards-must go to work!]

But I do like space lizards.

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