Sunday, December 14, 2008

I shit green for two days in a row

I guess trying to eat an entire pound of M&M candies today was not a good idea. I am typing with gloves on because it is 59 degrees in my house. I ran the heater for a good 46 minutes and now the temperature gauge reads 61. I guess I will need to start using the portable heaters soon.

I know I promised I was not going to write about the wedding, but since I have disappointed so many of you with that decision I have decided to write in an upcoming blog entry the Self Help Guide to getting married. The SHG to surviving a wedding, etc. Maybe I will just milk this whole wedding thing for as much as fodder as I can.

I've had the last three days off and I am not looking forward to getting back to work.

The last two days have seen dark green shits. But I am not the kind of guy who worries about his bowel movements enough to blog about them. I need to take a second shit today and I am sure it will be green as well. Maybe McDonald's is adding green dye color to their cheeseburgers. Otherwise I am dying of something or something has invaded my colon because AIDS makes it impossible to fight off infections. As long as I can keep my bowel movements in the toilet I guess I will be ok. The day they start leaking all over my shorts is the day I will go get checked out for them. I don't have the kind of money it takes to get checked out for these sorts of things and for now I am sticking to the idea that all the antacids I am eating are preventing my stomach acid from breaking down the nutrients in my food. I know that sounds like a nutty idea, but it is no nuttier than my bowel movements. I've eaten a bucket of sunflower seeds this week.

Sunflower seeds aid in compacting my bowel movements. Normally I shit Hershey squirts but with all the fiber from the nuts I can get a pretty good chuck of shit out. Like that infomercial says my bowel movements have added girth and width and I guess that is a good thing. I am not too sure about all the scraping that goes on in my anal cavity with the nuts, but at least you can tell when to quit grunting and pushing. I would suggest that pregnant women slather their unborn fetuses with a mixture of olive oil and nuts so that the kid could just slide down and the nuts would give a subtle clue as to where the baby was without all the need for fancy equipment like sonar guns and heart monitors, but the insurance companies, doctors, and medical equipment suppliers are making out like bandits and will never give up the opportunity to charge for an unnecessary piece of equipment.


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Oh holy god. Why man? Why do you show us your poo?

Romius T. said...

not realy sure, been telling you guys for years that I might. I finally did. now you have to believe me when I say I shit green though!