The Self Help Guide to getting the promotion you don't deserve

I lost another paycheck this week. I have no idea how I keep doing things like that, other than I am forgetful. I guess I don't worry about 239 dollar paychecks because they don't do that much. I am careless with my money and my life. That's why even though I attended community college* for 12 years and I bathe* every day, I still have a shitty life.

*advice from Kelso's Nuts is to bathe and attend community college. all advice you receive on this blog that does not originate from Romius t is not guaranteed.

I can't afford basic repairs.

I just had the windshield wipers replaced on my truck. I had hoped that was all the maintenance the truck would need this year. I was wrong. I just got an oil changed and a tire rotation. I was told to get my brakes bled and the fluid changed. I did that, but the brakes are still squeaking. They started squeaking when I went to Midas to get the oil change and tire rotation. I blame Midas for that. I blame them for trying to charge 79 dollars rather than 59 dollars that Sun Devil Auto charged me for bleeding the brakes and replacing the fluid. I think it stops a little easier now, but that is probably just my imagination. I think I still need a balance and an alignment.

Sun Devil got their greasy hands all over my upholstery. I should send them the bill. Instead I will reward them with 129 dollars, the cost of replacing my belt. I really can't afford all this. I need to start selling my blood. I need a second job. Send money mom. I'd sell my blood today, but I am still sick. My throat is swollen. People at work pointed at my neck today and asked me, "Hey is your neck swollen?" I had no idea it was that bad, but I guess it is. That's when every one asked to me to go away.

Speaking of the job, I was offered a promotion yesterday. I was offered a promotion while I was getting written up for losing a check from Western Union. I have no idea what happened to the check. I think someone must have dropped it when they collected the drawer from my register. They are going to take a look at the DVR. I could be assigned to cash control for 3 months.

In the meantime my boss asked me if I have considered becoming an assistant manager. I lied and told her I thought about it all the time. She told me that she wanted to start my training as soon as possible. I might have to wait the 3 months that I am on cash control. It all depends. If they see me putting the check in my drawer or bag I will tell them not to write me up. Then I will be an assistant front end manager pulling down the big bucks. I think I may get a pay raise of a couple of dollars. Maybe up to 4 dollars. They will have to pay me $4 more if they want me to accept all the hassle that comes from managing a front end. Which really means sucking up to you assholes when someone forgets to bag your groceries with paper or listening to you gripe because we are all out of Alpo. (Alpo- the caviar of white trash every where.)

THE SELF HELP GUIDE TO GETTING THE PROMOTION (at a grocery store) YOU DON'T DESERVE.

You are probably asking yourself just how I got offered a promotion when all I ever do is complain about my job. If you read this blog and you work with me you are probably even more confused. And finally, if you read this blog for advice then you are in trouble.

What are some of the reasons I would not be chosen for a promotion?

1. I am not the fastest cashier at work.

My rebuttal

I am not the best cashier at work. I am not the fastest cashier, though this week I a was number 2! I am not the friendliest cashier either. But being front end assistant manager is not about being the best cashier. What I have done is made it clear that I can be fast. Not the fastest of course. But quick. Efficient. I rarely make mistakes. Mostly because it is hard to make mistakes at my job unless you are an idiot, but also because customers give you a hard time if you make too many mistakes.

2. I am not the nicest cashier in the store.

If I was super friendly I would have a very low score on the tracking meters that follow our work behavior. While I am not super friendly I have been known to chuckle it up with my regulars. I make sure that supervisors know that I have customers that love me. Furthermore; I never antagonize customers. I have had only one complaint by a customer in more than a year. I'm polite. Supervisors never worry that I will cause an incident.

Personality is KEY.

Corporate is looking for a friendly personality. But you can't be so friendly that you will be afraid to hurt peoples feelings. An assistant manager has to assign duties and if you are every one's friend then you will have a hard time keeping everyone happy. One must be able to deal with irrational and emotional customers without mirroring those emotions back.

The folks who are super friendly are wasting their time and the company's time chit chatting. They will never be considered management potential, because happy people are too emotional. The super fast cashiers are too fast to be nice, or have been working so long that they would have to take a pay cut to be assistant manager. The second point is critical to my analysis. My company wants to find new employees who are competent to make assistant manager, because they assume those folks like me will stick around, and eventually out earn assistant managers by the simple act of tenure.

It makes more sense to get me (any my low key low achieving personality type) into lower management that to sit around and wait for me to be fast enough (if that ever happens) to be worth the extra money, or friendly enough (from getting to know all the regulars) to draw in customers.

The right move is to put me in lower management where I can use my superior intellect as a check against the stupidity of the new crop of ever changing cashiers and front end personal. I can go around correcting errors and diffusing possible employee blowouts because this requires little more in the way skill that I have already exhibited.

HERE ARE THE REASONS I CAN GET OFFERED A PROMOTION over you even though you are like so much better than me....

In the end I will get a promotion not because I deserve it but because I fit a personality profile.

• Be old. I am older than the kids who try harder at work that me.
• It is assumed by management that my being older means I can gain respect of younger workmates. It is easy to exhibit this personality trait. If you aren't old try giving off a sense of diligence and calmness around your supervisors. (If they saw how I acted when they are not around they would boycott my advancement.)
• Be competent without being flashy. Upper management wants to show you off, but they don't want to feel threatened by your abilities. Limit your mistakes. Own up to those you make. Tell the boss that you welcome mistakes because that is that is best way to learn.
• Make sure your boss likes you. Shave. Wear proper attire. Use deodorant. Comb your hair. Tell you boss jokes and laugh at hers. Make sure to joke when it is not busy.
• Help the boss out. Come in when he asks you to. Just make sure they know what an inconvenience it is. They will misinterpret your sacrifice as debt and feel a sense of personal obligation to you. When you can't work for them be blunt. Just say "I can't today." Supervisors hate being tied down by a lowerlings decision.
• Go to work sick at least once. Tell the boss you knew they needed your help. They won't remember the times you call in sick.
• Be dependable. Try not to call in sick. This is tuff because working sucks. But a boss loves the guy or gal who always shows up. If you can't make sure to cover your shifts. Go out of the way to tell boss that you don't call in, you are resourceful. You find answers to problems. You don't hand off your problems to others.

If you follow this advice you too can have the moderate increase in stature and pay that low levels of management presents to you. That way when people from your high school see you at the lowest level of in store management they can tell themselves things like, "Wow, I can't believe he wants to make a career out of this."

If you stay a cashier you can always lie to yourself and say things like, "I am just waiting for my big break on the Internet." And then you can drive around with a serpentine belt that needs to be replaced. And you can hope that your landlord comes through with his promise to shave off 2 months rent if you to paint the Condo, because even when you are not paying rent you can's save money on a 9 dollar an hour salary.