Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I fight crime

Some guy tried to pass a bad check through my line. He bought about a hundred dollars worth of groceries. He wrote me a check and handed me over his I.D. His I.D. had some teeth marks and looked to have been altered. As per my usual tactic of avoiding anything that has to do with paying attention or doing my job I let his possibly fake identity card go. I was sure it was real license. I figured the dog ate it and he was very agreeable fellow so I just figured that if he wrote in a few numbers they were the correct ones. He was just being helpful.

I tried to see if the check could get approved, but after I sent it to the check reader it came back unapproved. A code that said something like "all accounts blocked/notify collections." I called my supervisor over, because I hate to be the one to break bad news to anyone.

My supervisor ran the check and asked to see his I.D. again. He handed it over but got very nervous. He wanted to know why we needed his id and what the check reader had said about the check. My supervisor left to call the cops and I assured him this was normal. I had no idea she had run to call the cops of course. My supervisor left me in the dark about that one. So there I was standing next to crackhead check fraud guy and his crackhead girlfriend and they are getting as antsy as if they had gone 3 days without drugs. They are shifting in their feet and mumbling strange things to themselves.

A few seconds later the couple says, "fuck it" and walks out the store by the nearest exit. My supervisor returns and explains that she thinks the check is fraud (not just a bad check.)

About an hour passes and the cops show up. Just in time for me to go to break. The cop decides to do some paper work and I drink a soda and eat a package of those orange cheese peanut butter crackers that sit in my locker.

After break I have to fill out a police report. The whole time I am filling out the report customers stare at me. I think they think I am getting arrested. Little do they know. I am not in trouble. I am Batman. The gangster carryout and his girlfriend walk past me. They high five me which is awkward. I am 40. I am too old to high five high school gangsters who think I am getting "popped." I assure gangster bagger and gansta girl that I am cool. That I am not not getting arrested.

The cop asks me to identify the "perp." All I can do is tell him they were white and looked unkept. I made sure to get the "unkept" down as part of the official police report. That way when the police confront them and show them the report they will realize that people think they look homeless and maybe they will decide to get off drugs and take a shower because the only thing people remember about them is that they look homeless. I guess I just love to help out people whenever I can.

OF course for all efforts and crime fighting efforts the only thing I will get out of this is the possibility that I will have to testify in open court against a felony evil doer and his g/f. They know where I work. They will probably send someone over to kill me. If I do this blog will be famous for a few days because the drunken stepfather, fark, and metafilter will link to me.

I better get my Will ready. Make sure that whoever takes over the rights to this blog does things my way. That things stay classy. Please make donations to the Communist Party in Lieu of flowers. Either that or stage a protest against PETA.

I still hate dogs. Even in death.

Signed from the grave,

Romius T.


DrugMonkey, Master of Pharmacy said...


Please tell us what the crackheads were trying to buy with the time you have left.

If it was actual food or some of life's necessary sundries, I have no choice but to feel less sorry for you.

I will pitch your blog to a literary agent if you leave me the rights in your will.

Anonymous said...

Wow! You are like Starsky or Hutch. Or both.

But not Huggy Bear.

Happy New Year, Batman.

Romius T. said...

Drug monkey O master of Pharmacy0 I hereby bequeath my blogging estate to you on the moment of my death....


Thanks for the greatest compliment ever...I am starksy and Hutch combined!!!!