Friday, December 05, 2008

I get ready for the gayest log cabin bachelor party ever

I thought I'd post another picture of Turtle and the girl that plays Meadow on the Sopranos. I guess they are still going out which ought to give me hope. If a guy like that can nail a broad like that, maybe I am not going to die alone after all.

If you have ever wondered what I look like, I look a lot like Turtle.I am short and chubby. Only I hate most rap music, and I have never worn my baseball cap sideways. Also, I don't think white shoes are a fashion statement. Despite his love of white tennis shoes, the man clearly has good taste. Turtle is also the kind of guy that gets what he wants out of life. Turtle is not like me. He is not willing to settle for what he should get out of life. I mean a guy with no discernible talent, small stature, and odd facial hair out to earning 10 dollars an hour, and trying to save his money so he can get online at E-harmony in the hopes of banging a few overweight divorcee's.

Speaking of overweight people with facial hair, I am going to a bachelor party in Northern Arizona. I won't tell you the city because card shark is worried that one of you stalkers will try and meet us there. All I can tell you is that there is only one strip club in this town and I think Turtle is probably better looking than most of the women in it.

It looks like Card Shark is going through with this whole I am getting married thing and that makes me the last 'hold out' among my friends in the "let's get remarried" idea. I know you are going to say, "what about the fro?" But let's face it that guy has no chance of getting married...ever.

I plan on taking a few pictures, if I am not too drunk for an early morning hike. I have to work today until 8 tonight, and I have to work tomorrow at 6 pm so my time at the log cabin bachelor party [that's not gay is it?] will be short.

Just remember. I am not gay. I am Turtle. I don't get chicks, because I hold out for hot chicks like Turtle, and Turtle has convinced me that if I hold out long enough, I can date me a hot Italian girl from Jersey. Until then I will put up with the gay jokes about how I have not had sex in 4 years, how I blush when Kyle the singing cashier hugs me, and all the random gay dudes who want me to help them pick out parsnips in the produce section of the grocery store.

Because one day I will be the one laughing. At that day is coming soon.


new marvel said...

Sorry to burst your bubble, but Jamie-Lynn Sigler is actually Greek & Cuban, not Italian. And she's from New York :)

I bet if you bought lots and lots of hair gel and fake tanner, you could take a trip down the Jersey Shore and score a bunch of Italian Jersey Girls... like these:

Romius T. said...

she's not italian? Well didn't the romans conquer greece??