But then I noticed how Turtle's story is just like the story of my life. He is a chubby, amiable loser who lucked on to a TV show. He is not an actor, but he got lucky enough to land a part where he could play himself. And the character he plays on TV gets to fuck the Meadow from the Sopranos. My life is just like that. I too am a short, prickly, chubby guy who plays a character just like himself. Only I play a character on the internet who used to fuck fat chicks.
I read the rest of the story, and it turns out that Turtle's life is a little different than mine. In my real life I am just sitting here in my underwear trying to decide if the potato salad I bought at work is still safe to eat after I left it in my work locker for 5 hours, and the guy who plays Turtle on TV really is fucking Meadow.
I think you know how the rest of this story is going to turn out. I am going to ignore the proscription against eating warm mayo, so I can blog to you about projectile vomit and painful diarrhea, and Turtle is going to fuck some of the best pussy in the world.
I bring that story up to illustrate for you how the world is always fucking me and it has nothing to do with me being short, balding, chubby, or untalented -as lots of people are just like that and most of them have occasional good luck. I never have any kind of good luck. I need you to understand the tragic nature of my life, so you don't take the next couple of stories I will tell you out of context, and think that those stories are just coincidences. They aren't.
Married Girls Are Easy
A cute blond girl was placing her items on my conveyor belt, "Can I give you my phone number?"
"You bet!" I yelped. I think my voice jumped 9 octaves.
The girl turned red. "I mean for my club card."
"I can't give out my phone number anymore." She explained. She flashed her left hand at me and used her thumb to point to the silver band around her finger.
"Your married." I sighed.
"That's ok." I told her. "I'll probably forget your number as soon as you say it."
I don't remember the rest of the interaction. I just remember that it was the closest I have come to being asked out on a real date in 4 years.
I know you guys are sitting home feeling sorry for me and wondering just how pathetic a guy I must be to get excited over a girl giving me her phone number just so she can save 31 cents on broccoli.
But it's not like that. I am humble guy so I don't like to brag, but I know when a chick is into me. I spend all day waiting around for women to drop me signals that it is "ok" to fuck them because I am too lazy to ask them out. So you have to get pretty good at deciphering the signals women send you if you if ever want to get laid. Unless you plan is to convince the 18 year old at work that you have a room for rent, and when she finally moves in you can drug her and steal her virginity, because you are almost 40 and have no other way of ever being someone's 'first' down there, or listening to a girl scream out in actual pain from your penis, and not just the fake screaming the girls at the massage parlor pretend to do for you before licking your ass and then asking for a french kiss. I think you should tell those girls the same thing I told the meth addicted prostitute I met in the bathroom at my favorite Greyhound bus stop in Gainesville, "Screaming isn't going to get you more than 15 dollars for a rub and tug!"
What I am trying to say here is that I have special skills and one of those skills seems to be my ability to hit on married women. I never asked for the skill. In point of fact I actively turned it off a few years ago after getting burned by the love of my life. But that is a cunt for another story.
This story had a blushing girl who liked the way I talked. I kid you not. I could have banged her. I chose not to because stealing married pussy is about the easiest thing to do, and I am not about to go and do something if I already know I can do it. What's the point? Which is good news for the 16 year old dudes who read this blog who thought that all that married pussy was off limits, because the truth is once a woman says she is going to lock her pussy down for one man what she is really saying is that she finally found a sucker who is willing to put up with her shit and pay her way through life.
Of course she is not telling the dude that. She is telling her man that she only wants one dick, but one look at Japanese bukake porn tells you different. Women love spooge, and women love to lick spooge from as many men as possible, and the only thing better than fucking some dude in the closet before she getting married, is fucking her husbands friends every time her he forgets "her" anniversary, or birthday, or some other made up holiday women are constantly going to the store to buy candles* for.
* I don't understand women and candles. I have never purchased a candle in my life, and other than power outages I can't see the need for them. Especially considering all I need is a potato and string and 12 other items to make an emergency light if the power ever goes out.
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