Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Married chicks like "it"

I wasn't going to post the story about the actor who plays "Turtle" on the TV series Entourage, because I read about the story on the Drunken Stepfather website, and I like to limit myself to stealing one story a week from his blog.

But then I noticed how Turtle's story is just like the story of my life. He is a chubby, amiable loser who lucked on to a TV show. He is not an actor, but he got lucky enough to land a part where he could play himself. And the character he plays on TV gets to fuck the Meadow from the Sopranos. My life is just like that. I too am a short, prickly, chubby guy who plays a character just like himself. Only I play a character on the internet who used to fuck fat chicks.

I read the rest of the story, and it turns out that Turtle's life is a little different than mine. In my real life I am just sitting here in my underwear trying to decide if the potato salad I bought at work is still safe to eat after I left it in my work locker for 5 hours, and the guy who plays Turtle on TV really is fucking Meadow.

I think you know how the rest of this story is going to turn out. I am going to ignore the proscription against eating warm mayo, so I can blog to you about projectile vomit and painful diarrhea, and Turtle is going to fuck some of the best pussy in the world.

I bring that story up to illustrate for you how the world is always fucking me and it has nothing to do with me being short, balding, chubby, or untalented -as lots of people are just like that and most of them have occasional good luck. I never have any kind of good luck. I need you to understand the tragic nature of my life, so you don't take the next couple of stories I will tell you out of context, and think that those stories are just coincidences. They aren't.

Married Girls Are Easy

A cute blond girl was placing her items on my conveyor belt, "Can I give you my phone number?"
I seldom take the opportunity to use my best lines at work, but I did today. Maybe it was something in her eyes. Normally I only see fleeting negativity of judgement when I catch a woman looking at me.

"You bet!" I yelped. I think my voice jumped 9 octaves.

The girl turned red. "I mean for my club card."

"I can't give out my phone number anymore." She explained. She flashed her left hand at me and used her thumb to point to the silver band around her finger.

"Your married." I sighed.


"That's ok." I told her. "I'll probably forget your number as soon as you say it."

I don't remember the rest of the interaction. I just remember that it was the closest I have come to being asked out on a real date in 4 years.

I know you guys are sitting home feeling sorry for me and wondering just how pathetic a guy I must be to get excited over a girl giving me her phone number just so she can save 31 cents on broccoli.

But it's not like that. I am humble guy so I don't like to brag, but I know when a chick is into me. I spend all day waiting around for women to drop me signals that it is "ok" to fuck them because I am too lazy to ask them out. So you have to get pretty good at deciphering the signals women send you if you if ever want to get laid. Unless you plan is to convince the 18 year old at work that you have a room for rent, and when she finally moves in you can drug her and steal her virginity, because you are almost 40 and have no other way of ever being someone's 'first' down there, or listening to a girl scream out in actual pain from your penis, and not just the fake screaming the girls at the massage parlor pretend to do for you before licking your ass and then asking for a french kiss. I think you should tell those girls the same thing I told the meth addicted prostitute I met in the bathroom at my favorite Greyhound bus stop in Gainesville, "Screaming isn't going to get you more than 15 dollars for a rub and tug!"

What I am trying to say here is that I have special skills and one of those skills seems to be my ability to hit on married women. I never asked for the skill. In point of fact I actively turned it off a few years ago after getting burned by the love of my life. But that is a cunt for another story.

This story had a blushing girl who liked the way I talked. I kid you not. I could have banged her. I chose not to because stealing married pussy is about the easiest thing to do, and I am not about to go and do something if I already know I can do it. What's the point? Which is good news for the 16 year old dudes who read this blog who thought that all that married pussy was off limits, because the truth is once a woman says she is going to lock her pussy down for one man what she is really saying is that she finally found a sucker who is willing to put up with her shit and pay her way through life.

Of course she is not telling the dude that. She is telling her man that she only wants one dick, but one look at Japanese bukake porn tells you different. Women love spooge, and women love to lick spooge from as many men as possible, and the only thing better than fucking some dude in the closet before she getting married, is fucking her husbands friends every time her he forgets "her" anniversary, or birthday, or some other made up holiday women are constantly going to the store to buy candles* for.

* I don't understand women and candles. I have never purchased a candle in my life, and other than power outages I can't see the need for them. Especially considering all I need is a potato and string and 12 other items to make an emergency light if the power ever goes out.

Fire From A Potato! AMAZING! - The most amazing videos are a click away

The bad news in all this is for the men who are married who don't think that their wives would ever cheat on them. You need to worry. If you think you are safe just because you settled down with the mousy girl with bad hair because she would cook for you, and take care of your children, and not complain about working more hours than you, so you can go off to the basement and be alone to watch football and drink Miller High Life you are wrong.

Just like you are wrong to thing she means it when she tells you that her ass is "off limits" because the 30 pounds she has added since marring you makes her feel self-conscious. She's not lying. She feels self-conscious and I think she should be, because it looks to me like she has the first signs of "grandma's ass."

All I know is that her ass is not that "off limits" because we can go from holding hands at the movies to ass fucking on the first date in like 2 hours. All it takes is for me to shut up and listen to her boring ass stories like somebody could give a shit, and 3 or 4 watered down shots, because your wife can't handle the alcohol. She doesn't even get drunk. She just wants an excuse to "loosen up" if you get my drift.
Ugly, fat, married women are easiest, but often they are so into their husbands tiny penises that they forget that they can "order off the menu." When they do extra-curricular it turns out less dramatic than in Film, or even made for TV movies starring Joanne Kilmer.

I will spare you the details of frozen dinners, and the women with stained shirts who prepare them through tears and bouts of swearing and cursing at the men who won't (or can't) fix the air conditioning in the trailer. All you need to know is that ugly people have souls too and they hurt and feel pain just like the beautiful people, only I don't care about them because they are ugly. And you can't really blame me for that, because I once tried to treat an ugly person like they were human, and instead of being grateful they acted like it was their right, but all I could think about was the sweat, building up on the hairy upper lip of a women who somehow thought a polyester pantsuit 3 sizes too small for her could be worn in public without ridicule from the purple lipsticked foster daughter she carts around with her, because she can't trust someone else's daughter around her husband after 6 beers.

I guess the whole thing that strikes me as unfair in this world is that people like Kathy Perry actually think they are being clever the whole time they are just being lucky. I know that just sounds like the running monologue in your head the whole time you were reading this post, but the fact that I got you thinking that I think I am clever was all just a ruse. I don't think for second that I am clever. Because unlike the rest of humanity I seem unable to turn off that part of my brain that stands outside myself. I am an observer of my own life and most of the time it seems unreal, and the rest of the time it is just boring, and not at all Sci-Fi, like an experiment where scientists are trying to discover the neural nodes of identity, and even less like the communion with god, or the wacko fringe eastern philosophies that want to dump your ego and get to Nirvana.
I get assaulted at work.
draft version not ready


Anonymous said...

Really? Turtle is fucking Meadow?

I hope the potato salad wasn't bad. (I'm just going to leave the rest of that post alone because, well, I'm married and easy and it's a little too hot in here......)

KELSO'S NUTS said...


I always come here to complain, but other than being in exile and not being able to spend enough time with my son and Obama's starting to pretend his thimble dick is bigger than Hugo's or Dmitriy's and is about to get the world blown in two, I got no real complaints.

I got money. Women tell me that I look like a darker Robert Downey Jr. I've long lost track of how many women I've fucked. Fitz asked me on the show last week and I just reckoned it at 150 plus or minus, which seems about right. I've fucked TV actresses and a zillion models. My first ex wife was a model. I've had so many threesomes and foursomes I've lost track of that. I got seduced by the woman who interviewed me for Johns Hopkins University when I was 17. Right there in her office. She came up to NYC looking for me but I wasn't into her really but still I got accepted but I went to a different college.

But......I've only fucked ONE married woman other than my own two wives. For some reason it seems wrong to me unless I'm convinced it's an open marriage. And when I was young some gangster told me never to do that because that's the way you really get into bad violent trouble and I was a nice college kid and a good earner and honest and I didn't need that shit in my life.

So, the only married woman I ever fucked was a few years ago right before I had to leave the states. I met her online. She promised me that she had her side of it locked down. And she was good to her word. She even came down to Panama a couple of times. And she was truly a mad good fuck. She could get me hard without touching me, just by talking to me in even a kind of non-sexual way and playing different selections of classical music. And she was some serious doper too. We ate a ton of pills, opiates and old-fashioned barbituates, and did a ton of charlie and smoked a mountain of rock and fucked constantly. She's a legal aid lawyer in Jersey. She divorced the guy she was married to when I met her, but she got remarried.

I met her online. She had a good sense of humor. We met for lunch in the city. And I asked her what the deal was that first time. She was really direct about it. Said her husband didn't satisfy her and she liked the way I looked and after the lunch would I want to fuck her? I said sure. And that was that.

But be careful with that, man. Cause the guy who warned me about that was a real scary dude and he said he was kind of scared when he was fucking married women so he stopped.

Oh, yeah, I'm losing my hair, too but just slightly. Once it started I just eliminated the middle man and I generally keep my head shaved.

I have had the experience of fucking one Southern kind of biker bitch. That was weird but cool. I had to take care of something in Georgia with my dad and my cousin. I think it was a Masters Calcutta or something like that. After we did what we had to, we went to some bar and had dinner. I felt like hanging out and figured I'd call a cab because it wasn't too far from my cousin's house.

I had a drink or two and read the paper and the biker bitch came in with another one and three kind of Aryan biker dudes and they were getting plastered and eventually all of them left but her. She was in her 30s, kind of heavy, tattoos and the whole 9. She came over and started flirting with me and it was some weird kind of flirting I'd never experienced before like she wanted to arm wrestle me and do all these bourbon shots contests. And she kept putting her arm around me. She also made some weird anti-Semitic remark that I don't remember. I was pretty annoyed but it was so unusual from my experience that I kind of went with it. She obviously destroyed me in the arm wrestling. She told me a little about herself. She lived in some shitty place with two kids and had some bad kind of cubicle job in an office park. The whole thing was depressing. But in a good way. Because I wasn't used to women like that at all. We talked a little politics and she was on about communist this and socialist that and you can guess the rest. So, I finally said to her "look, I don't mean to be rude but you seem to be pretty into me and I don't think I'm your type...I'm Jewish I'm from NYC from mixed ethnic immigrant background I went to college and grad school I don't fight or ride a bike or anything and I'm a pretty radical left winger and I saw those guys you were with...I'm nothing like that as if you couldn't tell."

So, she laughs and says "I'm not with them because they're too scared to fuck me and I think you want to."

I thought it over and I was kind of worried that it was a set up for a mugging so I called my dad and asked him to call somebody to follow me and make sure I was safe. I stalled her. He took care of it and the guy called me when he was outside.

So, I said to her "don't take this the wrong way but I can't bring you back to my cousin's house and I really don't want to go your house, so let's find a decent hotel somewhere like a doubletree or a Holiday Inn not like some motel." She said ok and we looked one up in the yellow pages from behind the bar. I left with her. She didn't even have a bike just a beater like a chevy Nova or somethign. We get to the hotel and the private detective guy who's a friend of my cousin's followed us and it seemed like the real thing so I called him and told him I didh't need him to hang around.

So, we get up to the room hit the mini bar and I didn't really do much of the niceities. I asked her what she liked that the biker dudes were afraid to do (I was thinking what could THAT possibly be???). I'm small. 5' 7". Normal physique. Those guys she had come in with were pretty fat and had the long hair and the beards.

She said "just abuse me and treat me like shit but don't hurt me." I said "cool" and that's how it went down. She didn't have any condoms and I didn't so I didn't fuck her except in her mouth and then kind of play acted the rest of the thing. There were two bathrobe belts so I could tie her up in one scenario. In another I told her to get in the bathtub and I pissed on her and jerked off on her. That sort of thing.

I kind of assumed that Sarah Palin would have sort of been that way, too.

It was an intersting enough experience I suppose and considering that I had done such stuff in my life as give formal presentations at the World Bank, it was good variety.

That the kind of memoir you're lookin for?

new marvel said...

I think I lost every ounce of innocence that a college student in today's society could possibly have held onto, just from reading that previous comment. I don't think I mind.

KELSO'S NUTS said...


You're never going to encounter someone like me, I don't think. I'm in the last generation of Diasporal Jews who grew up in the states (well, New York City) POOR. I'm 47.

I have no idea if you've ever been to New York but if you're in college now, you wouldn't have known what it was like then.

But when you are the first child in a Russian Jewish family and you're a boy, YOUR ARE THE PRINCE OF THE FAMILY, THE FRANCHISE, THE FUTURE. You carry the hopes and dreams of your whole family on your shoulders. You have to grow up fast because of that and faster still because of the street life that accompanies limited means.

You're also representing your family so you have to be the best at everything. You have to get the grades in school, be tough in the street, and be in the "in crowd" in school, too. And that school has to be the best prep school and you have to get a scholarship and at the same time you have your neighborhood life which was full of shady characters, drugs, crime, hustling, and very mixed ethnically. My father speaks Spanish and I do, too, but I also spoke it more just with Puerto Rican friends in the neighborhood.

You lose your innocence very fast. I lost mine at 11. I was hustling gin rummy, dice, spades and ping pong for my spending money. I was drinking and using drugs by 13.

And still I finished 12th in my class and got 1520 SATs and made a huge success out of my life. And I represented my family very well.

But growing up in that environment you have to be kind of feral no matter how sophisticated you become.

But those are just stories about sex that I had. They don't mean anything. Ask me about the good things I did in my life: in grad school I was Beta Gamma Sigma honor society and Dean's List. I wrote the #2 ranked Master's Thesis in an MBA program in California.

I given speeches and written scholarly pieces on finance. I've owned a thoroughbred racing stable.

I have a 9 year old son whom I don't see as often as I like which is a bummer because he's begun to self-identify as a Latino. Or more properly a Panameno. We'll have to see what happens.

I'm good bad...not evil. It's hard to imagine my experiences being so odd that they would take away an adult's innocence!

new marvel said...

Kelso's Nuts,

Haha, I'm *hardly* an adult. And I don't live in NYC, but I'm fairly nearby.

My best friend lost her virginity on a pool table when we were 12. My friends were doing/dealing drugs between the ages of 11-13 (all of this was in Catholic school, by the way), but then I went to high school and had some kind of weird transformation -- almost like regaining my innocence.

I went to one of the top 20 high schools in the country, and I was valedictorian. You beat me on the SATs, though, I only got a 1500.

I can hardly even compare my life to yours, obviously, but there are some similarities... kind of. I think my life is the censored, chick flick version. And it's more of a third person perspective, as I mostly *observed* the drugs & sex part, rather than experiencing it firsthand.

Anyway, I had a feeling you were a very intelligent man; I think it was the biker chick and the bathtub scene that caught me off guard.

KELSO'S NUTS said...


Just part of life's rich pageant. Look, I was down there with my old man for some gambling stuff. The whole thing was a one-off random experience. I'm hardly a biker bitch or s/m fetishist. Just part of the vibe I'm describing. Like being able to handle or take advantage of every situation of all the infinity of situations which pass you randomly over time within a Poisson queuing distribution.

Was almost like if I couldn't handle something new and weird like that in an unfamiliar situation I'd be letting my old man down, you follow?

Because he had far worse shit to overcome than I did and he faced it all and found a way to enjoy it all and then he became a super family man. It's a cultural thing I can't explain really. You have to be an Ashkenaz man to really get it. It's constant pressure. The daughters and the younger brothers don't have this weight.

As my "kind" has become more assimilated into American culture and wealthier, it takes other, less old-country, forms but believe me my son feels it. He's small but he's the best fighter in whatever situation he's in, he's one of the best baseball players in his age bracket in Lower Manhattan, he's won a poetry prize and a math prize, he plays chess and poker competitively at a very high level. And wherever he is, he's the center of attention and can size up any situation and relate to people exactly as the situation requires, almost like a politician.

I don't recall pushing him to that extreme but I know there's Jungian shit going on and I must have been imparting a lot of that drive.

I guess thinking about it I was kind of repeating an old tradition. I made him go to a regular (not charter) public school because I thought his having grown up with all the money I had made would deprive him of his toughness. I taught him how to box because he'll always be the smallest kid and I didn't want him to be bullied. I taught him baseball from the earliest possible, so he'd always have a way to be a star and I encouraged him in his sense of humor, language skills, acting skills, so he'd always be a great and confident public speaker.

So, I think a cultural sensibility maybe of a fear of the disappearce of our people or something because of all the persecution over the years informs these kinds of things first born boys get put on them and how they learn to get a laugh out of any situation that comes their way.

I surely didn't HAVE to fuck that biker girl. But in a way I did.

Ya folla?

new marvel said...

I wasn't expecting to see a reply already, I just came here to show this link to Romius because I thought he might get a kick out of it:


As for Kelso:

I think I get it to an extent, but I live a way too sheltered life and doubt that I'd ever be faced with an... 'opportunity' like that. We'll see though, I've got a lot of time ahead of me, hah.

Your son sounds very impressive. My brother could learn a thing or two... or a million.

PS I thought you didn't *actually* fuck her.. ;)

KELSO'S NUTS said...

NEW MARVEL: You're being rather Clintonian in your specificity!

STET/DEL & RPL: "...have intimacy with..."

Romius T. said...


you got rid of the gray hair?
like the new do I must say.. I was too chicken to try the salad/

That was exactly the kind of stuff I was hoping for and it was one of the best reads I have had in awhile. dont worry about what all the asshats say. I like reading you life story and if the only place it gets collected is in my comments then this blog is just made all the better and powerful for it.

My blog commetns are more interesting than 90% of the blogs out there!


That video was laugh out loud funny actually and normally I dont go for such obvious cheesy stuff. but it was funny and basically makes the point about myself that I make all the time.