Monday, November 17, 2008

Looking for the "Big Score"

I was cleaning around the house today. Whenever I clean I listen to my Mp3 player through my home stereo. I can do this because I bought a special adapter and I know how to connect the adapter to my stereo. I am cool like that.

One of the songs I listened to while I washed dishes told me that I should, "stop scheamin, and lookin hard." I have to agree with the song. I need to quit contemplating so much.

I only contemplate the Big score when I get bored or broke. I like to think of ideas that could make me rich or live the exciting life I am told to crave.

Maybe I could sell government secrets to the Soviets like Sean Penn does in the Falcon and the Snowman. Only I wouldn't be a dumbass like Sean Penn's character. I would live in the same apartment. I would drive the same car. I might get a better sound system for the truck. I might wear some nicer clothes, but nothing flashy. I'd stick to Levi 567's. I would not go out of my way to attract any attention.

But after I contemplated my life as a super spy I noticed that for all the risk and anxiety the life of a secret agent would give me the only difference in my life would be new speakers and six or 7 pairs of shoes.

I figure if I got a second job or donated blood I might be able to afford the cost of those items, so for now the government is safe and its secrets are secure.

Since I am not the flashy type (I am too paranoid to be) I think I may have to rethink this whole "big score" idea. I mean it sounds a good gig when you first think about it, and it would probably relieve my boredom, but I am not sure it is worth the effort.

I tried to think of things to do on my day off:

  • go hiking at South Mountain
  • go to a bookstore
  • go drinking
  • visit friends
  • shop at thrift stores
  • got to a movie
  • eat out and read the paper
  • work out at the gym
  • go for a walk

Thing I did.

  • bought BBQ sauce for my pulled beef BBQ in a crock pot from the Mexican food store
  • started BBQ in
  • made ice tea
  • did the dishes
  • ran dish washer
  • tried to call honey smacks
  • scrubbed 96.7% of rust stains off new stove
  • unplugged microwave from wall to save electricity and mother earth
  • vacuumed a bit
  • ate lasagna from a can
  • checked the mail
  • walked out on balcony and looked at the sun and sky
  • subscribed to Netflix for 2 months at the one video at a time plan for $8.99, giving me one fewer reason to leave the house as the plan comes with unlimited instant viewing of Netflix's online catalog
  • watched the China Syndrome (**** of 5 stars!) And the Falcon and the Snowman (not done watching, still have an hour to go. kinda slow and I am in the mood for a sci-fi movie or a comedy or something with more action.)

I should record a few podcasts tonight. I may not. But I will think about it and feel guilty if I don't. Which is good. Not that it matters. Since I have recorded only one podcast in the past couple of months my downloads have dried up. I am on pace for around a hundred downloads instead of the 300 I had a few months ago.

The podcast is dying and so is this blog. I am no longer getting 30 return visitors a day. I am back to around 10. I guess for awhile all my posting attracted people to see what the fuss was all about. But after reading me for a month or so they figured out why I am not famous and why all my blog friends have more readers and hits than me, because they are so much better at blogging, and some of them seem to care about their audience, and they actually know how to write, so I guess that makes things easy for them.

All I have to say about that is while the landscape of this blog is as dry as your 50 year old vagina I am not going to be too upset over it. Like you I am just going to sit at home and eat my way to an emotionally satisfactory place. My mail had a company newsletter that bragged about how someof our associates are good people. Way beter people than me, and that got me depressed almost.

But I decided that I am not going to feel bad about myself, just because I don't visit old people's homes and wash their near dead bodies, and I don't volunteer my time helping humanity. I can't worry about those things because they bring me no great joy, unlike sitting here at this typewriter and pounding out stupid ideas for the same 5 people, who tirelessly hit the refresh button hoping I have the day off and live blog my day for them, because they hate being alone with their thoughts because their thoughts are boring even to themselves, so they just imagine all the things I say are the things they would say when they read me aloud with their lips moving.

I'd hate you, but I am so much like you. We both have no reason for living. And if I am not making much since right now I should tell you that is because I turned off the air conditioner and opened up the house a few minutes ago, because the sun finally went down so it no longer 90 degrees outside. I hope my brain adjusts to the heat that is going to pile into the house even though I turned on the fan to try and keep me cool. So if I am rambling it may just be the first sign of heat stroke.


I think it is a real credit to myself that I have 10 readers when I can't write for shit. I don't even post slutty pictures of teen idols most days so there really is nothing much to read here anymore. I get that. And I am working on it, if by working on it you mean I hope something happens in my life real quick like that I could blog about because like you I am sick of writing fat girl jokes and jokes about Mexicans.

Keep dropping by. I will blog all night. Unless I can think of something better to do, which I can't. I am thinking of writing a blog post about the newest right wing meme regarding the financial meltdown and how according to the right wing nuts and the Wall Street Journal the fault all lies with Carter and Clinton.

Either way I will continue talking about my metaphysical crisis, my estrangement from society, and my inability to get laid. Because I know that is why you come here. And not for the analysis of the economic situation. Because unlike Kelso I want to get laid off the internet so I keep all the economic shit at Bathos. And I will keep all the misanthropic pathos over here. Cuz chicks dig pathos.



Anonymous said...

Like hell you can't write.

How did you guess that I'm into bitch-slapping?

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Kelso writes about economics because he's fucked 150 women including two or three tabloid names, and 25 models, and if he didn't have a tremendous sinus headache could have a threesome 27 seconds from now. My fuckin girlfriend ran a lesbian convention at Centro Atlapa this weekend and she's bisexual anyway.

Chicks don't dig pathos, mi brother. They dig a feller like me who looks like a Jewish Robert Downey, Jr, always has his poker bankroll with him, owns a night club, and knows the all the reggaetoneros, boxers, politicians and bankers.

I didn't like Miss Hawaiian Tropic's attitude a few months ago so when she invited me for a drink I say no thanks.

Nevertheless, I was still hoping for some phone sex with Utah Savage last Saturday night!

Your misthropic lounge has helped me through so many crises of political conscience, I might just have to put you in my SCHOOL FOR SCOUNDRELS.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Kelso has fucked more times today than all you Dungeons and Dragons motherfuckers have wet your noodles in a month.

I love economics even more than fucking.

So, what happened? I was fucking my girlfriend missionary this morning and her friend came in with a strap on, put some of that mentholated lubricant on it and fucked me in the ass while I was fucking my girlfriend.

Then, I called for a switch and fucked her friend doggie style while my girl jilled herself and then ate out my asshole. Then I pulled out of the other girl and jerked off on both of them.

And Paulson's still a mother fucker for tossing all of GAAP and the principles of corporate finance out the window, making every transaction ad hoc and the whole thing's a mess.

Me, I'm waiting until this dollar rally because of the recession pushes the USD below par against the CHF and then I'm gonna lend Swissy and finance it with Big Sammy for my culo, oiste?

KELSO'S NUTS said...

No fuckin gringo has his shit tight like Kelso, bro-THERE

Romius T. said...


I was only commenting about what you had said about not getting chicks from the internet to fiirt with you, I was never doubting your serious ability to bring in the chicks and tag them in the real world.

You are right about chicks digging cash more than pathos...

And paulson being a motherfucker who is giving our cash away.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

ROMIUS T: My bad. I thought you were inviting me to a friendly game of the dozens! My flesh-on-flesh record, though, is as strong as my collection of blog comments is weak!

You have some anonymous admirer out there looking out for you who made some weird reference to my comment here on my spot. I told he she or it not to be such a tenderfoot because you and I are friends,

Romius T. said...

I thought we were in a friendly game as well but just wanted to make sure@

i am curious about my admirer where did they make the comment?