I only die on the inside

I noticed I had 2 additional followers on blogger today. I bet you'd think I was happy about that because all you ever hear me complain about is how I don't have enough of an audience to make any money blogging.

You'd be wrong. By now you should have figured out how I could gleam something negative from something positive.

Like I told Dave one of the new followers:

"Every time I am just about to quit this blog I get a little positive reinforcement and that keeps me going, or in another way it keeps me tied to this machine and slowly dying on the inside."

I guess what I mean by that is that if I can hide from the responsibility of life by pretending people actually care what I say then i don't have to go out into the real world and do something. And since my natural predilection is to not do stuff then you can see how blogging fits right into that.

I had a much longer post on this topic planned but I have to go to work in five minutes. I was going to tie all this into how I can't get a girlfriend. I was also going to talk about the crossroads and how a man eventually needs to define himself.

I was going to talk about how we all feel we fail to measure up to our potential, and in the end how most of us give up before we ever truly try. I was going to mention that most of us who feel good about ourselves are deluded and the measurements we use are those of society, and the society we live in is sick, so we shouldn't be using the goals we get from society.

Of course you all know that. You know it doesn't matter what kind of car you drive or whether you met your sales quota from last week. You know the empty life you lead. You understand that sitting down in front of the television is like squatting over the toilet bowl of life hoping to shit something edible out of your ass, and in turn only getting juicy, discolored shits.

You can't wipe the stains away from such weak stains. You can only hope to change your underwear. Either way unless you change your diet all you will ever get is weak shitting.

I guess what I am saying is that our society lacks fiber and therefore cannot produce the well formed shit we need to live a healthy and productive life. But I am not going to sit here and tell you that I know what a healthy and productive life means. And since I don't know what a healthy and productive life is, you could ask what my standards are for disowning my life or for attacking yours.

The answer is I haven't the foggiest idea other than some vague intuition, and since you might outscore me on a logic test I am going to stick to what I do best, and that is trust what I hear from my gut.

I know the last time someone told you to "trust their gut" you got conned into a couple of wars and a trillion dollar bailout of millionaires. But trust me. Not all guts are the same.

I know some of you are going to protest and tell me that even though you are not good people you occasionally do some good things. You drop change in the United Way cups. You volanteer at homeless shelters. But the good things we do are not connected to us in any meaningful way. That is because we divide the world up into fragements. We don't connect with each other except when we need to feel better about ourselves.

You will never be happy as long as you segment out your life. As humans we have some kind defect in our DNA that makes us want to submit to the whole. Most of the good things we do in life, most of the small joys we bring to others, are nothing more than our desire to live whole. To give up our segmented lives and be swallowed up by some principle (god).

I suppose if you are willing to do that you can be happy. The happy of goldfish. I don't know. I can't do that. I can't submit. I'd like to. I'd like all the darkness in my life to go away. But I don't think I can.

I'm late for work now.