Friday, February 15, 2008

You meet the "Enforcer," or my bagger can kick your bagger's ass, or I finally write some grocery store etiquette that you can use.

I know I promised you a video of me and my brother 'Red Neck Boxing' in front of my brother's house in Florida. My brother never sent me the video, because like you, he is a lazy asshole that doesn't support my blog.

There are people who want to support this blog and my career. After hearing about my blog, my bagger wanted me to post his video. It was shot right outside of our grocery store in the front parking lot. After you watch the video you will know why I nicknamed my tuffest bagger "the enforcer." My bagger is from Bosnia, which means that not only can he kick your ass, he can cut off your head too.

Many shoppers act like just because they earn more than me, they are better than me. Well they aren't, and neither are you. I posted this video to remind you to behave in my grocery store. If you don't, you may just get to meet the "enforcer."

AVOID THE ENFORCER. Here are some tips to make your shopping experience better.

  1. DO NOT BAG YOUR DIFFERENT PRODUCE ITEMS TOGETHER. If you throw all your produce in one giant plastic bag I will have to touch your food. I don't like touching your produce anymore than you like me touching it. But every different kind of produce has to be rung up separately. Don't worry about my germs, I may not wash my hands, but you can always wash your apples. If you want to save the environment buy a reusable produce bag, or don't use a bag in the first place.
  2. If you enter the express line over the limit with a cart load full of groceries you are morally obligated to help me bag them. (Express lanes never get carryout help. See also: Karma and the people behind you who obey rules.)
  3. State aloud to me how you will be paying and the amount in cash you are giving me. This simple rule will speed up your transaction and ensure you get proper change back.
  4. If you have a bagging preference tell me right away. Don't wait until the bagger has half your stuff in plastic and tell me you wanted it all double bagged in paper. Not that I can fathom why you need paper doubled bagged. Old people love them some paper bags for "the frozen items," though I am quite sure I've never where they read the literature that proved paper insulates better than plastic bags. Paper tears when it gets wet, doesn't it?


Freida Bee said...

I am the only one who loves you enough to comment this post. You'll quickly come to see how you can't do without me and it will have nothing to do with the fact that I'll be a bitch to your other readers. They just don't understand you like I do.

Romius T. said...

I have already come to the understanding that I can't live without you. I think you might already be a superfan and I never had a superfan before. Now that I have a superfan I guess that gives me rights to start a meth habit and pick up an english accent.

Freida Bee said...

I am a superfan, and you would be a fool to cast the only superfan you 'll ever have (or need) aside. Pass the meth, babe.

Freida Bee said...

Holy shit, I just clicked on your 2005 blog post category and on that page I saw you had this entry! -Ha! It's destiny. Why doesn't my husband have an El Camino or at least an appreciation for them? Whisper that in ma ear, Jesus.