Grocery Store Etiquette

I never noticed how sunflower seeds hurt my colon until I stayed with my brother in Florida a few months back. Every time he ate a bus load of pistachios he complained that his tummy hurt. After listening to my brother bitch, I noticied the same thing happened after I ate my sunflower seeds.

It's the same way with my acid reflux. I used to brag about how I never got an upset stomach or indigestion. I never thought I had indigestion, because I was always having indigestion. It turns out that I am just retarded and don't pay attention to my body. Before I realized I had acid reflux I thought I just had a mild case of the AIDS because my throat was sore all the time. The doctor explained that I don't have an AIDS infection, that the throat pain is just stomach acid eating away at my esophagus.

I told the doctor that my throat was feeling better lately, so the acid reflux must be getting better, he told me to stick to writing silly blog posts about under aged girls, because whenever your throat stops hurting, you can bet the cancer has moved in, and cancer is a shit load worse than you think it is.

I bring up the sunflower thing today because some guy went through my line and bought a bag of sunflower seeds. Only the bad of seeds was busted opened. I told him about how the bag was ripped open and offered to get him another bag, but he decided to keep that bag of opened seeds. He's probably going to eat sunflower seeds from an opened bag, and I find that shit disgusting. I thought you would too. But if you don't, I couldn't care less. I write this blog for me and not for you.

Grocery Store Etiquette.

Here is where I am going to write something for you.

Stop fumbling for exact change. Exact change slows me down. You think it helps me out, but it doesn't. I have an automatic coin machine which sorts the coins for me. I am 3 times faster when you just hand me bills and you shove those unwanted pennies in your pocket. The people in line behind you hate your guts. You are the second slowest payment transaction category, just behind grandma with her checkbook.

1. Don't even think about using a check. That's why they invented debit cards asshole.
2. I am not flirting with you. I don't even like you. Management is forcing me to be nice to you.
3. If you want to buy cigarettes from my line, tell me before I start ringing you up. Management tracks how long it takes for me to scan your purchases. If I have to stop my scanning process to go get you something, I won't earn my 5 dollar gift card for quick service. And 5 dollars is about what I make an hour, so yes it's that important to me.
4. Better yet just buy your cigarettes at Circle K like the rest of America does. I hate having to unlock the window to get your cancer sticks.
5. If you don't see a bagger at your register, then you are the bagger. If you want management to hire enough staff to bag your groceries, tell management to hire more staff. But bagging your groceries is not my job. Cashiering is.
6. If you see that I have not rung up all the items for the customer in front of you, point it out to me. Don't let him run off and then tell me halfway through your order. Be a human being for a change and help the guy out. Because it was your fault for not placing a divider in between your order and his. If you don't I am going to have to void off his items from your order. I can get in trouble for voiding items off. Yeah, as unbelievable as that sounds, I get in trouble for that.
7. Place the fucking divider down after you are done unloading your groceries, or before placing your items on the converyor belt.
8. Learn to add. If you only have 20 dollars you cannot afford the tequila and eat for the whole week.
9. 50% of your coupons are invalid. I scan them anyway. I do shit like that for you all the time, and you don't know it. I never get thanked for it, or anything else I do for you.
10. If you think you are being overcharged you are wrong 89% of the time. If you think you an item was accidentally scanned twice you are correct 98% of the time.
11. I know when you are on the rag. Every day I see chicks in pajamas buying boxes of maxi pads, ice cream and wads of toilet paper. I don't judge you because of your purchases. If you need a case of monostat 7 to get over that yeast infection, so be it.
12. I am a jealous cashier. I get pissed when I see hot chicks in line with other male cashiers. I can understand if you want to move to another line because there is no waiting, but would it kill you to wait an extra second or two. I've been anticipating your transaction since you got in my line. The perfumed and soon to be drunk girl on Friday night in my line is one of the few perks of this job. I work weekends and nights because that's when you all choose to shop. Throw a brother a boner will ya?
13. If it appears to you that shoppers all go to the store at the same time, you are right. I am sure there is some kind of quantum physics which can explain it, but I failed Algebra II. That's why work at a grocery
    store.