Monday, February 11, 2008

Grocery Store Etiquette

I never noticed how sunflower seeds hurt my colon until I stayed with my brother in Florida a few months back. Every time he ate a bus load of pistachios he complained that his tummy hurt. After listening to my brother bitch, I noticied the same thing happened after I ate my sunflower seeds.

It's the same way with my acid reflux. I used to brag about how I never got an upset stomach or indigestion. I never thought I had indigestion, because I was always having indigestion. It turns out that I am just retarded and don't pay attention to my body. Before I realized I had acid reflux I thought I just had a mild case of the AIDS because my throat was sore all the time. The doctor explained that I don't have an AIDS infection, that the throat pain is just stomach acid eating away at my esophagus.

I told the doctor that my throat was feeling better lately, so the acid reflux must be getting better, he told me to stick to writing silly blog posts about under aged girls, because whenever your throat stops hurting, you can bet the cancer has moved in, and cancer is a shit load worse than you think it is.

I bring up the sunflower thing today because some guy went through my line and bought a bag of sunflower seeds. Only the bad of seeds was busted opened. I told him about how the bag was ripped open and offered to get him another bag, but he decided to keep that bag of opened seeds. He's probably going to eat sunflower seeds from an opened bag, and I find that shit disgusting. I thought you would too. But if you don't, I couldn't care less. I write this blog for me and not for you.

Grocery Store Etiquette.

Here is where I am going to write something for you.

Stop fumbling for exact change. Exact change slows me down. You think it helps me out, but it doesn't. I have an automatic coin machine which sorts the coins for me. I am 3 times faster when you just hand me bills and you shove those unwanted pennies in your pocket. The people in line behind you hate your guts. You are the second slowest payment transaction category, just behind grandma with her checkbook.

  1. Don't even think about using a check. That's why they invented debit cards asshole.
  2. I am not flirting with you. I don't even like you. Management is forcing me to be nice to you.
  3. If you want to buy cigarettes from my line, tell me before I start ringing you up. Management tracks how long it takes for me to scan your purchases. If I have to stop my scanning process to go get you something, I won't earn my 5 dollar gift card for quick service. And 5 dollars is about what I make an hour, so yes it's that important to me.
  4. Better yet just buy your cigarettes at Circle K like the rest of America does. I hate having to unlock the window to get your cancer sticks.
  5. If you don't see a bagger at your register, then you are the bagger. If you want management to hire enough staff to bag your groceries, tell management to hire more staff. But bagging your groceries is not my job. Cashiering is.
  6. If you see that I have not rung up all the items for the customer in front of you, point it out to me. Don't let him run off and then tell me halfway through your order. Be a human being for a change and help the guy out. Because it was your fault for not placing a divider in between your order and his. If you don't I am going to have to void off his items from your order. I can get in trouble for voiding items off. Yeah, as unbelievable as that sounds, I get in trouble for that.
  7. Place the fucking divider down after you are done unloading your groceries, or before placing your items on the converyor belt.
  8. Learn to add. If you only have 20 dollars you cannot afford the tequila and eat for the whole week.
  9. 50% of your coupons are invalid. I scan them anyway. I do shit like that for you all the time, and you don't know it. I never get thanked for it, or anything else I do for you.
  10. If you think you are being overcharged you are wrong 89% of the time. If you think you an item was accidentally scanned twice you are correct 98% of the time.
  11. I know when you are on the rag. Every day I see chicks in pajamas buying boxes of maxi pads, ice cream and wads of toilet paper. I don't judge you because of your purchases. If you need a case of monostat 7 to get over that yeast infection, so be it.
  12. I am a jealous cashier. I get pissed when I see hot chicks in line with other male cashiers. I can understand if you want to move to another line because there is no waiting, but would it kill you to wait an extra second or two. I've been anticipating your transaction since you got in my line. The perfumed and soon to be drunk girl on Friday night in my line is one of the few perks of this job. I work weekends and nights because that's when you all choose to shop. Throw a brother a boner will ya?
  13. If it appears to you that shoppers all go to the store at the same time, you are right. I am sure there is some kind of quantum physics which can explain it, but I failed Algebra II. That's why work at a grocery



greensunflowerRN said...

It is monastat or mitroconozole.

I am not sure I spelled that right.

Thanks for the advice.

I always give exact change. I hate coins in my wallet.

Romius T. said...

You are correct sir, and I have corrected it!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

"I don't judge you because of your purchases. If you need a case of monostat 7 to get over that yeast infection, so be it." A case? That's got to be one big ass case of yeast to need a case of that shit to kill it.

commander other said...

Dr. vM: remember, Romius likes the big girls. ;-)

Romius: if sunflower seeds give your colon the cramps, try them without the shells. just sayin'.

don't you wish you could void the customers off instead of items they attempt to purchase?

whenever i go shopping, i take my son (who is 13 now). just as the cashier is finishing ringing up my stuff, he'll come rushing up with one or two things, which naturally requires a discussion about the merits of their nutritional value prior to purchase or non-purchase.

of course, as a rule of thumb, we only attempt such purchases at the head of long lines. we figure the cashier needs something to bitch about, because catharsis is healthy, right? in light of that, are we doing a good thing or a bad thing?


Anonymous said...

Well thanks for the advice! Next time they let me grocery, I'll be sure to pay the change in nickels and pennies after I write the check.

All of this, of course, will take place after I require two price checks, two packs of Virginia Slim Menthols, a run back for more tampons (you can wait, right?).

And you want me to bag my own groceries? Are you kidding me?

(Great post, Romius. I've worked as a bagger/stocker and in the deli. Fun stuff.)

And there's a sheep theory of how people move through public spaces, I swear. We used to see it at the Radio Shack. It was empty, then one person would walk in and then there were ten surly people in a hurry.

Romius T. said...

Dr Von,

It is the size of the germ in the pussy, not the pussy in the germ.

Commander other

I think carthasis is awesome.

I knew you were a closet misty 120 fan!

fairlane said...

Do you wear a tie clip?

Romius T. said...

Luckily no tie clip its just I don't have to wear a tie, just a pin that looks like a name tag that says union 99 on it!

Freida Bee said...

Aw shit, I am the best and the worst shopper. I've been a cashier before. I bag my shit whether I'm in the express lane or not (unless someone's already there, but since I have four kids and do not go to the (big) grocery store more than once a week, I do not need the express lane advice.)

I am the terrible cunt, though, who gets $150 worth of stuff, but only has $134.34. I do, however, hold out for the cute cashiers (or maybe I'm too lazy or greedy to change lines once I'm in them. I don't want to leave my line or else someone may move in to either line while I'm on the way, and hence, screwed.)

Romius T. said...

My advice is to round up all your purchased to the next dollar, then you won't have to decide between that 12 pack of mickey's and the kids toliet paper.

Always get the mickey's.

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