Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I never killed 40 innocent Asians, so I guess I ain't never done nothing to deserve to fucking be an American

By not knowing me in real life you missed out on the best night ever!  You're just fucking blog readers so you have no idea how great it is to be my friend!  I can't even describe to you what last night was like.  But it was awesome!

I was in rare fucking form tonight!

I pissed off a fucking 5 tour Vietnam Veteran at the TailGate bar.  I was going off on how the ruling class is "stealing all your motherfucking money." I must have pissed him off because then this mother fucker asked me the most bullshit question ever.

He's like, "what the fuck have you done to deserve fucking being an American?"

Now I should point out how I was already in a fucking shit hole of a fucking mood.  I opened my mail earlier in the day to discover yet another fucking wage assignment against my paycheck.  My third.  More than 25% of my salary which is against federal law.  Not that fucking knowing any fucking lawyers as friends has helped my fucking ass here.

So I am pissed that the worst of America is fucking going against me already, and I am ready to take on all the comers who have something to fucking say for this shit forsaken bullshit crap ass country of ours.

Now is there any of my blog friends who wants to hang with me when I am going off on a 60 year old 5 tour fucking Vietnam Vet for saving our country from them Evil Comms?

I fucking doubt it.  It's fucking uncomfortable to tell off a man for killing people after he tells you that he has killed no less than 40 fucking VietKong to, "serve his country."

You have to call this man a fucking murderer.

Have you ever called someone a fucking murderer?

They don't take it fucking lightly.  And this murderous asshole was no exception.

"Tonight is going to be fucking epic."   I told Leif.

I know the thought was just like a thought out of a character from a Chuck Klosterman novel.  And the truth is it fucking was.

Now, I know I won't be able to fucking transpose the shit that went down like Chuck would.  If you feel like you have to confirm what I am telling you, just ask Kristal.  She listened to maybe 10 minutes of my "epic going off."  And she was not one of the recipients of my verbal blasts, she was just a lucky a bitch that got to listen to me go off on others.

"Look none of these people KNOW anything.  The mere fact that they are HERE proves to me that they don't KNOW anything, because anyone who knew ANYTHING would not be HERE!"  I yell into the cell phone at Kristal.

I am not screaming this so much as I am "telling it" at top of my voice.  What I am doing is talking as loud as I can without seeming like I am screaming.  I am doing this because the MBA bartender behind the bar is staring at me again like she can't quite figure me out.  She worries about me like I am some kind of freak.  Like my idea of fun is dipping my genitals in peanut butter and heading out to the local pound.  But I am not just some kind of fucking Chuck Klosterman archetype.  So while I think the whole idea of 66 year old forgetting her responsibilities and dipping her genitals in peanut butter and getting it on at the local pound is hot, it's not exactly my idea of fun (if you can catch the fucking David Foster Wallace allusion there...)

Weird thing about Chuck Klosterman.  His arms are fucking weirdly old looking.  I saw a picture of him on the internet and her was wearing a blue sweater with an untucked dress shirt beneath, it just like he described one of the characters in his work.  The only thing is that he never discussed how he or the character had arms (and I am speaking here specifically of forearms) that were excessively old for this age.  Like forearms that were 40 or 45 years to old on a 34 year old.


Creepy old fucking arms, dude! My arms look 10 years younger at 5 years older!

Here's my problem:

Imagine you are my friend and we are at a Chinese buffet for lunch.  This has nothing to do with how Chuck loves Chinese Buffets. (Really, just a weird coincidence.)

I don't want to be at lunch with you, because the last time we talked you mentioned how "I am not such a great friend" and then you mentioned "how much of a loser I am" and how you never "asked much from me as friend" but whenever you did ask for  small favors from me "I never seemed to be able to answer the call."

I won't dignify that with a response.

But I will tell you how last night I mentioned that if I ran into "one of the cats that ran the fucking world" I would break "one of the marble statues they own over their fucking heads."

I think I repeated that several times. Each time I said it louder, because the easiest way to create drama is too fucking repeat shit slowly, and louder.

"Look."  I tell you.

"I don't think you want to fucking fuck with me today."

"I went head to fucking toe with a 5 tour Vietnam Veteran about how I deserved to be a fucking American more than he did."

Like I told that Vietnam Vet, Vietnam was never a threat to America.  If you can't get you head around that and you want to offer me the "we won it so bug off bitch" defense then I guess you can get down with genocide you Hitler, racist, sonuvabitch.

You can see how this idea might be correct from a certain point of view.  That the killing of innocent brown men is what started this country and kept it going.  And they might be right.  I mean I am pretty sure white people killed a lot of innocent colored people, or kept them in chains, and that was pretty much how we got this country, and how after we got this country we spent something like 750 million dollars on developing super close 5 razor blade system shavers that get closer than any single razor blade ever got in the 17th century without much of the risk that once associates with single blade shaves that one thinks about when one thinks about early American barbers and their barbaric practices like hot towel shaves.

But maybe I digress because maybe after all white people are not defending genocide but simply defending the technological advances of 5 blade systems over the the pathetic, technologically inferior shaves of our ancestors.  And if this is all they are trying to do then I am taken aback with my stupidity.

But on the other hand if what they are defending is the brutal system of exploration and destruction that controls the world as we know it, then I think I am on firm ground with the WIKI of the basic causes of the Vietnam war which goes something like "we don't like democracy if the votes go against us and in favor of economic systems that 'in theory try to benefit' the masses over the ruling classes."

Instead we break down the salt of the earth in our hometowns and convince them that killing strangers with different colored skins is a good idea for democracy.

I need to find a a fucking statue.

2 comments:

veach st. glines said...

You need to replace the reaction 'Boring' (you are never that) with 'Hunh?' (I routinely have that reaction.)

Romius T. said...

I am not sure if I can alter the reactions from the stock offerings...but adding the Huh would be a good idea..lol