Thursday, May 29, 2008

I introduce you to a blogger that strips, but is a way better writer than me thus sealing my doom as the waste basket of blogs that I am fated to be.

I have this belief that if you can't make jokes about date rape then can't really call yourself a feminist. I am not sure where I get this belief, but I also discovered recently that you should eat eggs and bacon for breakfast, because you would lose weight. The internet girlfriend (IGF from here on out) takes issue with my "discovery" that fatty breakfasts make for a healthy diet, so I am going to have to Google the study.

Speaking of things I find on the internet, I found a blogger who happens to be a stripper. She writes a great blog which I found via Boing Boing and I thought I should give Boing Boing some credit for linking to her. Except BB is the biggest internet blog in the world and everyone who reads this blog reads BB so I won't provide a link to it.

You might think that finding a blog written by a stripper would be cause for celebration on this here blog. It is not. Grace Undressed is a fantastic writer. She is a way better writer than I am and that really depresses me. You could not guess this by reading me, but it can take upwards of 2 hours to write some of the blog posts you read on this silly website.

It really shouldn't take that long, but I am not a natural writer in the sense that I have thoughts and they get transcribed easily into words and then those words get typed on a page for you to read. It is easy for some people, but words get mixed up in my head. I hear the words I want to say, but I write down different words than I hear in my head. Maybe I am just fooling myself and the things I hear in my head aren't so god damn clever after all and what you are reading is really what I am saying. I have a certain friend who believes that about me. I am sure he is right. He was right about me not being so smart. He is most likely right again.

It really pisses me off to read a stripper* that can write better than me. Go see and read for yourself and you will stop coming to this blog and I won't blame you. I was hoping that the reason you would stop visiting this blog was because I was able to put this blog on hold while I wrote my book. I've been thinking about writing a book for a while, but I have no ideas really. After seeing how much better a "stripper" is at writing than I am, I think I should just give up on the idea.

Don't feel the need to write to me and tell me to keep my chin up. I am not looking for your compliments. I will delete any comments that try. I know you love me. I love you too. You are loyal. I've always liked that about you. It is how I tolerate your presense.

Anyway, I just saw a cool video by Ira Glass where he urges people to keep trying because he knows how we shitty writers have such 'good taste' and how we want to create something awesome and we may know we are not doing that as of yet, but if we keep trying we will.

Well fuck you, Ira Glass.

I've been trying for 5 years or so on this blog and I ain't a lick a bit better than when I first started. I am not what you could call progressing at all. I am sure that means I will never get better. If I can't get better I will be stuck trying to get famous by appealing to the lowest common denominator.

I don't want to write about stuff that is easily recognizable to a mass audience. I have ideas like "you can't call yourself a feminist unless you can make date rape jokes." I don't have enough talent to attempt anything more grandiose than that, and since my publisher refused to make me an offer on my hebophilia* encyclopedia I think I should just stop wasting my time and yours with this stupid blog and my stupid writing ideas, and get a second job so I can afford my Netflix addiction and my food bill.****

I guess what this all means is that you are still stuck with the same shitty blog you have been reading for however long you have linked to this blog in the hope that my traffic could be siphoned off to you. The joke on you being that I don't have much traffic and what little traffic I do get, I have siphoned off from your readership, who must now be a little more than disturbed by your strange reading habits. I won't quit this blog so easy, but I am going to stop dreaming that this is going somewhere, and that I have talent, and that someday that talent will blossom, and all of you will finally appreaciate how special I really am.

*apparently hebophillia has two meanings: an unnatural attraction to jail bait; smoking fetish and my publisher** could not figure out which meaning I intended to write about.

** I don't have a publisher you idiots. ***

*** sorry for calling you guys idiots and being mean to you today. but now that you are can read gracie just remember that I sent you the link unless of course you read about her somewhere else first and isn't it just like you to take EVEN that away from me?

**** I had this really long post about how after looking at my account balance I couldn't afford to make myself lasagna. I wrote that post along with this one, but blogger crashed on me twice and took with it everything I wrote. That is why you are getting this shitty/pissy post. I somehow deleted volume 20 of the podcast but if you want you can click on the Self HElp Podcast link under my blogs and see all 20 craptastic podcasts. Free packets of country gravy to anyone who can sit through all 20. You REALIZE that country gravy is TWICE as expesive as chicken or brown gravy, right?

* I don't have a problem with strippers. It is just that stippers are sexy and so grace gets to be sexy, smart and a good writer and I don't like how god gives some people all the stuff and gives me so little. I think if I meet god I will punch him in the face.

No comments: