The Self Help Center reveals the SHC guide to Getting yourself the internet boyfriend you've always wanted

recently I discovered that I have a mild form of dyslexia. My dyslexia does not occur to me when I read, but only when I write and sometimes when I talk. If you noticed it on this blog before I mentioned it, kudos. If now that you are aware of it, you sense it in every sentence i WRITE, and hold your breath in anticipation of every word you read, I apologize. But enough about my troubled mind.

THE SELF HELP GUIDE TO SECURING YOURSELF AN INTERNET BOYFRIEND

You say you want a boyfriend. But you are shy, or maybe you are just hideous to the eyes of men-folk. You assume this rightly because no man asks you out on dates, and because you sit alone in the room which was your Aunt's attic until she died. And now that room is yours with its ancient sewing machines and it's dial up internet access.

Be aware that if you follow my program, you will indeed get yourself an internet boyfriend. Not too long from now, you will realize that you have traded in the safety of solitude for the adventures to be found by dating, a man. If you continue on this path (which is so set in your heart that I will not be able to dissuade you from it) then many things will happen to you, and most of them will be unexpected, and nearly all of them will be ungood, but I trust that is what you want and I will make sure you get what you want.

Here is what most of you do when searching for an internet b/f:

Go to yahoo.com and download messenger.
Sign on as a female.
Do nothing else.

You will not get an internet b/f if you do this. What you will find instead is men who are ready to send you pictures of their genitalia. If you want to get an internet boyfriend there are better ways of going about it than the clumsy amatuerism of internet personal ads. Some of my ways include you cultivating yourself to be presentable. Do not take the easy way out on this. Do not take pictures of yourself from flattering angles that hide your embarrassing size.

A quick fix to your obesity is a starvation diet. It does wonders for a thick booty and ankles. And it is not as difficult as it seems. All it requires is that you do not eat. For the first few hours after not eating your body will send some annoying signals to you in the form of stomach grumbling and light headedness. Ignore those signals and you will fast find yourself on the way to becoming skinny.

Ignore my advice by refusing to become skinny and all the men you ever have sex with will not think about you when they penetrate you, rather they will think about your 'prettier' sister, or cousin, or their last g/f or the baseball game on TV. They will peer at your imperfections and be disgusted. They will notice cellulite where you cannot see it and hence never knew it existed. They will hold these secret thought inside them and they will use them to justify as an excuse any betrayal and any indiscretion the heap upon you. I will not tolerate this. I will not allow you to do this to yourself.

RELAX YOUR ROMANTIC VISION OF LOVE

Men do not think about you as a person with a soul. Men are unable to draw the distinction between outward beauty and inward beauty, so it is best to make sure that your outside matches the winner you are on the inside.

I know some of you will object and suggest that you "know men" who do not behave this way. Those are not real men and you should cease any contact you have with those homosexuals as that kind of vice is punished by god and he patrols that sin with a watchfulness that is eternal and unmitigated.

I have no idea how long you should starve yourself as I do not have any idea how fat you are. But you will know when you can begin to eat carrots again because men make it known to you if you are attractive. Search their eyes for lust. Seek out the men who hunger for you because they are wolves and will devour your flower and will you leave you with nothing else if you are lucky.

Google is a valuable search engine in your quest to find an internet boyfriend. You can find many of the things including the men you want on it. Type in your browser the qualities and the things you find secretly attractive. Do not type the things your mother or brother would have you believe are valuable in mates. Type in the things that make you quiver at night. Type "blog" after you enter the characteristics of men that you want and you will find a blog run by a person with all those sentiments.

Be Patient.

First, you must start by reading his blog. I would start at the beginning, but since you are a women you will start at the end. Work backwards. Leave comments on his blog, but only authentic ones. Do not force them. Let the comments come naturally. This could take some time. In the best case scenario, I would say two to three years. But it could take longer and I see no reason for you to grow angry with me because you did not allow the natural process of this program to work its way out. I will entertain no request for refunds from you regarding my program that "insures you get your internet boyfriend" until you have surpassed year 4.

REMOVE YOURSELF FROM ALL MALE COMPANY

Include any of the previous Jackals you allowed to ravage you. They present themselves as possible mates. But they are wrong for you. If you are married you should get divorced, or at least move away from him. Do not allow unknown single men to open doors for you. This will get in the way of needed calorie consumption on your part, and may invite strangers to consider you easy prey.

E-MAIL AND CHAT IS FOREPLAY FOR PHONE SEX / phone sex is foreplay for actual foreplay which should be used as little as possible as it is not real sex and men like real sex.

Once you have gotten the male in question to notice you, begin to email him. At first allow the e-mails to be about the blog, or the comments that you have made.

Next, make inquires into his "real life." Pepper your comments with a sexy attitude. Start your own blog and publish stories about oral sex. Men love oral sex and men love women who promise oral sex to them. Be prepared to deliver the oral sex for at least as long as it takes for him to propose moving in with you and then get him to promise to do the laundry before you stop all oral sex (except for your own requests for oral stimulation which you should couch "as actually needed" as his penis is too small to reach your cervical cavity or g-spot.)

Third, try instant messaging. Anytime he is online make sure you notice and interrupt his searches for pornography. Cyber sex is not a substitute for sex, so as quickly as you can proceed to phone sex.

Try not to remember anything your man tells you during phone sex. The male brain is equipped for higher levels of stimulation than your female oriented brain. It is important that you do not judge men on their fantasies or their sex talk.

Men are very sensitive about sex talk with women and are constantly in fear that they will offend the "weaker" sex. If you show any offense you will be labeled as a prude and as feminist. Men do not like women who's response to sex is one of judgementalism or moral objection. If you have any morality or taboos left it is acceptable to seek out the help of a Jackal to relieve you of any such concepts. They will devour you and spit you out. You may feel used, but you will be ready to accept the loving embrace of your new boyfriend all the better.

After Cyber Sex and Phone Sex you should consider relocating to your new b/f's hometown. Unless you will lose a great deal of money. In that case allow your b/f to move in with you, but be aware that it takes time to adjust to a new city and make resumes. Finding a job could take several years. Do not allow him to rush the process as it will only lead to long term emotional instabilty and unhappiness for you. Remember, you asked him to move for you. The least you can do is be there for him during this stressful period. I would suggest you allow him an asian massage, to relieve him of any undue stress, but if you have reached this point in the program then I think I hardly need to suggest that to you as it would have come into your conciousness of its own accord.