Friday, May 09, 2008

I bet you want to be internet famous, because being internet famous is the new thing, and by internet famous I mean famous for 10 people like me

It's just another Friday night for you and even though all I might be doing right now is spooning down delicious fudge pudding (I'm on my second cup) I am still way cooler than you, because I am internet famous. Internet famous is the new 15 minutes and everybody, that means you Mr. Andy Warhol, wants a peice of it.

I have always wanted to be internet famous. I wrote this post to tell you how to become internet famous. It's easy to become internet famous, because all being internet famous means is that you are famous for 10 people. 10 people think I am famous and that makes me internet famous, but even though I am internet famous, I still have to do my own dishes.

I may do my own dishes and I may stay home on Friday nights and eat all the fudge pudding in my refrigerator. But I met a girl on the internet and she is really hot and one day I will go visit her and I will ask her to be my internet girlfriend.

I sense you are all jealous of my life, with my newly acquired drivers license, a possible internet g/f on the horizon, the random suspensions from work- for being tardy, freeing me up for all kinds of time to write on my book, which if ever published will freak you out big time. Frieda Bee will finally be forced to deliver on her promise to write literary theory about me. With all that's finally going right, something even more tremendous happened to me today...

I GOT RECOGNIZED

That's right. I got recognized for the first time as an internet celebrity. And just like with sex, the first time is special and important. I will treasure the memory of that moment always.

The thing about me is I care about my fans. If a fan is lucky enough to find me at work, I will stop working (and risk getting fired) to listen to them tell me how great I am. Because I know, for you, getting the chance to finally tell me how great I am is what you live for, and I can't think of anything better than you getting to meet me, since I never get to meet people as cool as me, but you did, so kudos to you.

THE SELF HELP GUIDE FOR THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR WHEN BEING INTERNET FAMOUS AND BY INTERNET FAMOUS I MEAN FAMOUS FOR TEN PEOPLE

(subtitled:)

BEING INTERNET FAMOUS IS EASY. How to GET interNET famous:

All you have to do to get internet famous is write a blog for like 5 years and sooner or later like 10 people will think you are ok and will maybe get around to like subscribing to your RSS feed or something, but probably not, probably they just read whatever finds it way to your myspace blog even though your myspace blog is not your real blog, but nobody you know wants to read your real blog, and that was the whole reason you had to start your podcast, because people are too lazy to read and even those fans who listen to your podcast will be too lazy or uncommitted to submit it to Digg.com. So you really have no chance to be famous any other way than on the internet where your 10 internet fans can have you all to themselves.

If you do get internet famous I bet none of your readers will visit your archives, so don't worry about editing any of your old stuff, because nobody looks at it anyway. It also does not pay to try and grow as a writer because your readers have already pigeon holed you into a category and they don't want to read any of your new characters, especially if those characters tend to make you look gay because you are writing from a different gender's point of view and writing from a different gender is not as easy as it seems so maybe people should just give you a chance to work things out and stop being so judgemental and stuff, but I can bet ya that's not gonna happen.

Don't worry if you don't feel inspired all the time to write. You won't want to, and you shouldn't have to. Even if you make promises to blog a new entry everyday, don't worry, your failure to do so will never get noticed by any of your fans. If you get inspired to write by meeting a fan, go ahead and write, just don't give them any shout outs because inspiring you to write is what fans are for. And if you can't take crap out on your fans then I can't see any point to getting famous.

Other than the money and the respect, but internet celebrity of this sort does not come with cash or respect, so take what you can by dumping on as many people as possible before they get wise to you and take off for some other inter-loser.

If you get internet famous you just might be able to turn that celebrity cache into getting yourself an internet girlfriend. Getting an internet girlfriend is a big decision though, and should not be entered into lightly, but with proper consideration and Romius T.'s helpful advice you too can have an internet girlfriend with all the benefits they have to offer and almost none of the drawbacks.

THE SELF HELP GUIDE TO GETTING YOURSELF AN INTERNET G/F? LOL> ROFL ETC. ETC.

Internet girlfriends are not a lot different than other girlfriends in the sense that they are women, and since they are women you can assume that they have the same limitations, expectations, and drawbacks as other women you might meet in real life, only they are on the internet so they probably have a few more quirks and by 'quirks' I mean many of the girls you will meet on the internet are ladymen (some come with nice boobs-nice enuff to make you forget that they also come with a penis), and the ones that aren't ladymen just got released for the third time from the sanitarium, where they learned that water coloring is a good way to deal with stress, and they try not to deal with stress the way they learned from their mommas, and that is by burning shit up in the middle of an apartment complex.

I think I just gave you a good idea for a birthday present for your internet g/f. A massive set of water colors. And don't forget to have the fire department on speed dial, because a recent meta analysis conducted on water color therapy concluded that water therapy is crap, besides your internet girlfriend is not about to take all her prescribed medication.

I mean I am sure for the first few weeks she will be like "I love the Prozac!" and all, but who really wants to deal with the weight gain and the calm moods that Prozac brings, when you can just light stuff on fire?

Internet girlfriends never live in the same state as you do so that means you have to save money to go see them otherwise you will never get any of the sex you are hoping for and really don't men want relationships just so they can have sex?

That might be a stereotype of male behavior so I would not read to much into that, because as you know I get away with making outrageous claims like that, because what I do here is satire so don't take things so seriously and by that I mean I think I just got myself in trouble with my (one day I hope!!) internet g/f so you can see how prickly they can be.

Internet g/f's are expensive, but so are real girlfriends and real girlfriends are hard to find or you wouldn't be on the internet looking for an internet g/f.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE AWESOME THINGS ABOUT INTERNET GIRLFRIENDS?

The internet is full of beautiful women who have posted their pics on myspace or flicker. Your internet g/f can steal one or more of those pictures and then present it to you like the picture is really her. Then for the first time in your life you can say you are dating a really hot chick, and your FIRL's (friends in real life) can be totally jealous of you, and that is a feeling I bet you would like to have at least once before you die.

Watch out for Internet girl friends as they usually have a lot of free time on their hands, so you better too, because they will always be up for a conversation at the wee morning hours. But talking to a internet girl is as close as you can get to talking to a real girl, and I bet you don't have anything better going on in the morning anyway, so maybe talking to her is not such a bad idea after all.

I normally have more than a few bad ideas when I date a chick. Like I like to make up stories about them. You can't do that with a real girlfriend. They get pissy about that sort of thing. But you can make up all kinds of stories to your co-workers about your internet g/f, because she will never meet them.

Again, I don't advise you to make up stories about a real life g/f as she might want to meet your friends and she will totally try and bust you on all your stories.The best thing about internet g/f's is that no matter how much your internet g/f wants to meet your mom or your friends she probably lives a few thousand miles away, so she will never be able to bust you with your story telling, so I say go for it! I like to tell folks that my internet g/f's are candy strippers, or motel chambermaids in Moscow.

Sometimes I go exotic and tell how my women are former burlesque dancers from Laos. The more exotic the story you tell the better, because anybody that is impressed that you have an internet g/f is bound to believe that you really are a secret agent who met your gal pal on the road to Damascus and never questions you with the fact that Damascus is no where near Russia. Of course the whole "road to Damascus" thing may go over their heads too, but you like feeling superior to your friends and they like that you know answers to almost half the questions you hear on Jeopardy.

8 comments:

The Blogger Formerly Known as DCup said...

I want to be internet famous. I don't like being famous in real life. All those people coming up and asking for money and autographs. What a pain.

Now that you've written THE definitive how to get an internet girlfriend, can you do some research on how to get an internet boyfriend, except one without the boobies. When I do my lesbian thing, I want all woman.

Thanks.

I'll come back every day to count posts and read archives as I wait for your next self-help guide.

Thanks, again.

"internet g/f" said...

this easily might be my favorite post that you've written in a long time. the more you sell it, the more i see no reason to be anything BUT your "internet g/f"! why even take this one, more step? we've got the perfect thing going on. well, you know, except for the part where i go out and date other guys because i need real sex. but if you can get over that, it's a beautiful thing!

Romius T. said...

One how to get a an internet bf post on the way! Dcup you should get a symbol as your name next!

did ?I just get dumped by my internet g/f in the comment section of my blog? Not even a text message wow! I guess there is no point in going out of state to meet you as you wont even be my internet g/f..i is sad....

the part where you date other guys allows me to be a cuckold so yeah go ahead :(

Freida Bee said...

Did you just commision me to write your autobiography, because that would be so hot because maybe I could get vicariously internet famous.

Don't forget me when all those other internet girlfriends go by the wayside. "Married" women put out, I hear.

Romius T. said...

You have free range to be my official biographer frieda bee! I have heard that married chicks put outQ

Anonymous said...

I saw you at your place of employment today. But since I've made you so famous I felt a little shy. You really need to turn the wattage down on that superstar glow you have going. I'm but a humble non-famous person. But I DO have several internet boyfriends. And I didn't even need to read your blog to get one!

the reaper said...

all i have to say is: I TOLD YOU SO.

never doubt my judgment of another person's character again.

I TOLD YOU SO.

the proof is in the pudding. and the comment.

please note i am showing great restraint.

Freida Bee said...

You, dear Romius T, are hereby infected with this strain of the Splotchy Story Virus if you decide to rise to the challenge. Oooh, that sounds sexual.