Cooking with Romius T. subtitle: I make lasagna. I learn how to say Riccota. My IGF would not eat my cooking.

I feel like maybe I should say something about that last post. I'm not going to because that would cause us to have to re-examine the old post and I would have to explain what I was really trying to say. That was my old job at this blog; to say the things I thought. I still feel the need to explain things sometimes, but my new job is to be a popular blogger because everybody I know can write better than me, so I will just try to be popular blogger from now on, and if there is one thing popular bloggers do it's a cooking segment so here is mine.

I really can't afford to make lasagna but I did anyway. I may have to get rid of Netflix or stop paying on my truck insurance, but sweet cheesy goodness has its price and apparently I am willing to pay it.

I am having a little problem deciding on how to tell you the story of my lasagna. I am not sure if I should give you the recipe that I would have liked to use, or just tell you what I actually did to make the lasagna. The way I made it might worry some of you, but here goes.

SOME OF MY INGREDIENTS ARE OLD

I noticed that the pasta was close to 2 years old but I used it anyway. If it makes my IGF feel better I did not use any of the open old pasta boxes just the old unopened pasta boxes. I am sure pasta is good forever or at least 3 years so I think I will be ok. I think the jars of pasta sauce were like 6 months past due date. I would not normally eat something that past due but they sell these jars at the salvage grocery all the time and if someone was going to die from that I think they would have died by now.

All the cheese I bought was fresh. But my ground beef was frozen and I even used the microwave to defrost it. I know a real chef would not do that but this "Cooking with T" segment was built more for the woman who hates to cook food for her child and husband, and a lot less for the epicurean. No child in the world will complain that you microwaved the meat before cooking it. And your husband will wonder why you insisted on frying it up on the skillet. He will consider that trick of yours to be something straight out of culinary school.


I layered the pasta and cheese and meat like normal and shoved it all into an oven at 375 degrees for an hour just like the box says. The box does not have directions for doubling up the recipe like I did so I put the pan back in the over for another half hour or so and too k the cover of foil off for the last 15 minutes. I can tell you that 10 minutes is more than enough to get your lasagna brown because mine nearly got burnt. Some of it did but it is not as bad as it seems.

I tried it and my lasagna came out a bit dry. My IGF says the longer you cook the lasagna the dries it gets so maybe doubling up on the ingredients is not such a good thing after all.

I can't figure out the semicolon in my life

Every day I wake up I head over to the scale to weigh myself. If I weigh in at under 215 pounds I get to keep talking to my internet girlfriend. Most days I am stuck at 212 so all is good. If I eat too much and go over my limit I text message my IGF and she writes me back with all kinds of ways to lose weight quickly, because she loves me and does not want to have to go without talking to me for long. I really think that is great of her.

I should tell you that the 212 lbs is my real weight and I no longer weigh in at 218 which is what I was weighing before I gave up beer. I assumed quiting beer would get me a few pounds slimmer more than it has, but I guess all the candy I have been eating in its place was not a good weight loss idea.

I decided to make the lasagna that I wanted to make yesterday. I didn't make it a day ago because I could not afford to. I say to hell with that now though. I am going to buy the ingredients tonight. All I need is some ricotta cheese. I think I will post a "cooking with romius t" entry in regards to the recipe and what not. I will include pictures of the baked and finished product for you to drool over.

Has anyone noticed how I am talking like a redneck lately?

If I sound like a redneck now I think it is because I figured out that writing with big words was the quickest way to say "look at me I am smart," along with avoiding that kind of writing I stopped adding the melodramatic poetic sing song I used to incorporate into all my writing. For a while there I was also badly trying to imitate Charles Bukowski. My idea of writing like Charles was to introduce as many periods into a sentence as possible. I am sorry about that.

Below is an example of trying to hard to seem smart from my favorite new blogger Gracie "the stripper."

"Depending on your mood, stripping is a celebration of human sexuality, a revolt against hegemony, an exercise in frustration, a study in existential loneliness -- all this, and more, and all at once. "

"You're Full of Shit And So Is Everyone Else. Not only is there a literal pound or two of fecal matter in your gut right now, but every particle of matter in your body has already passed through the body of earthworm, and will again. The most exciting accomplishment of your life -- transforming from a tiny mass of undifferentiated cells into a functioning homo sapiens -- has been accomplished by every other human being on earth. The arrogance of those who present their opinions as more valid than the opinions of anyone on earth, their morals as somehow more moral, is boggling to me."

I hate to pick on Gracie as she is my favorite new blogger, but I thought someone needed to address a few points that she makes in her post "a beginner's guide to pissing me off.". I am not sure when it became fashionable to be an epistemological relativist in addition to being a moral relativist, but I think the conversion of the populace to relativism has more to do with a failure to grasp philosophical logic than any actual sympathy to the relativist point of view.

"The arrogance of those who present their opinions as more valid than the opinions of anyone on earth, their morals as somehow more moral, is boggling to me."

I hardly need to point out that Gracie is making a performative contradiction. She insists that "no one's point of view or opinion is better than anyone else's" and that seems to be making the case that her opinion that "all opinions are equal" is better than everyone else's opinion that "some opinions are ok but some opinions smell like freshly wiped ass."

But I don't really think that is what she meant to say. Perhaps what she meant to say was that on "issues of taste " no person can be incorrect because the matter is subjective. That really is a different argument than what Gracie was making above, but I have a feeling that people making arguments from a relative epistemological point of view would be sympathetic to that perspective. In addition I think many people assume the two points are the same and they aren't.

I really think Gracie has confused the two subjects and confusion seems to be the normal condition of most arm chair philosophers. Maybe because most people only think about philosophy when they are drinking or pissed off. They assume philosophical positions (decisions) are a lot like decisions to like a particular color of kool-aid. I like red and you like blue. I can take the philosophical position that blue is better than red, but I can't really prove my thesis, because it is all subjective and taste is matter of opinion.

I think that kind of thinking about philosophy is wrong headed. But I can't save you all from thinking like that.

I introduce you to a blogger that strips, but is a way better writer than me thus sealing my doom as the waste basket of blogs that I am fated to be.

I have this belief that if you can't make jokes about date rape then can't really call yourself a feminist. I am not sure where I get this belief, but I also discovered recently that you should eat eggs and bacon for breakfast, because you would lose weight. The internet girlfriend (IGF from here on out) takes issue with my "discovery" that fatty breakfasts make for a healthy diet, so I am going to have to Google the study.

Speaking of things I find on the internet, I found a blogger who happens to be a stripper. She writes a great blog which I found via Boing Boing and I thought I should give Boing Boing some credit for linking to her. Except BB is the biggest internet blog in the world and everyone who reads this blog reads BB so I won't provide a link to it.

You might think that finding a blog written by a stripper would be cause for celebration on this here blog. It is not. Grace Undressed is a fantastic writer. She is a way better writer than I am and that really depresses me. You could not guess this by reading me, but it can take upwards of 2 hours to write some of the blog posts you read on this silly website.

It really shouldn't take that long, but I am not a natural writer in the sense that I have thoughts and they get transcribed easily into words and then those words get typed on a page for you to read. It is easy for some people, but words get mixed up in my head. I hear the words I want to say, but I write down different words than I hear in my head. Maybe I am just fooling myself and the things I hear in my head aren't so god damn clever after all and what you are reading is really what I am saying. I have a certain friend who believes that about me. I am sure he is right. He was right about me not being so smart. He is most likely right again.

It really pisses me off to read a stripper* that can write better than me. Go see and read for yourself and you will stop coming to this blog and I won't blame you. I was hoping that the reason you would stop visiting this blog was because I was able to put this blog on hold while I wrote my book. I've been thinking about writing a book for a while, but I have no ideas really. After seeing how much better a "stripper" is at writing than I am, I think I should just give up on the idea.

Don't feel the need to write to me and tell me to keep my chin up. I am not looking for your compliments. I will delete any comments that try. I know you love me. I love you too. You are loyal. I've always liked that about you. It is how I tolerate your presense.

Anyway, I just saw a cool video by Ira Glass where he urges people to keep trying because he knows how we shitty writers have such 'good taste' and how we want to create something awesome and we may know we are not doing that as of yet, but if we keep trying we will.

Well fuck you, Ira Glass.

I've been trying for 5 years or so on this blog and I ain't a lick a bit better than when I first started. I am not what you could call progressing at all. I am sure that means I will never get better. If I can't get better I will be stuck trying to get famous by appealing to the lowest common denominator.

I don't want to write about stuff that is easily recognizable to a mass audience. I have ideas like "you can't call yourself a feminist unless you can make date rape jokes." I don't have enough talent to attempt anything more grandiose than that, and since my publisher refused to make me an offer on my hebophilia* encyclopedia I think I should just stop wasting my time and yours with this stupid blog and my stupid writing ideas, and get a second job so I can afford my Netflix addiction and my food bill.****

I guess what this all means is that you are still stuck with the same shitty blog you have been reading for however long you have linked to this blog in the hope that my traffic could be siphoned off to you. The joke on you being that I don't have much traffic and what little traffic I do get, I have siphoned off from your readership, who must now be a little more than disturbed by your strange reading habits. I won't quit this blog so easy, but I am going to stop dreaming that this is going somewhere, and that I have talent, and that someday that talent will blossom, and all of you will finally appreaciate how special I really am.

footnotes:
*apparently hebophillia has two meanings: an unnatural attraction to jail bait; smoking fetish and my publisher** could not figure out which meaning I intended to write about.

** I don't have a publisher you idiots. ***

*** sorry for calling you guys idiots and being mean to you today. but now that you are can read gracie just remember that I sent you the link unless of course you read about her somewhere else first and isn't it just like you to take EVEN that away from me?

**** I had this really long post about how after looking at my account balance I couldn't afford to make myself lasagna. I wrote that post along with this one, but blogger crashed on me twice and took with it everything I wrote. That is why you are getting this shitty/pissy post. I somehow deleted volume 20 of the podcast but if you want you can click on the Self HElp Podcast link under my blogs and see all 20 craptastic podcasts. Free packets of country gravy to anyone who can sit through all 20. You REALIZE that country gravy is TWICE as expesive as chicken or brown gravy, right?

* I don't have a problem with strippers. It is just that stippers are sexy and so grace gets to be sexy, smart and a good writer and I don't like how god gives some people all the stuff and gives me so little. I think if I meet god I will punch him in the face.

When I get skinny my internet girl friend will love me, until then I have you, and I don't need nuthin but a strip tease of lyrical bloggin to get u

I am writing this post at 1:30 in the am. Forget whatever the time stamp says at the bottom of this post. You can' t trust those things with me. I just cleaned my bathroom and did the dishes. I am in the middle of doing three loads of laundry, which is about all the laundry I have in the world. I drank two cokes today which is not as bad as it sounds to you as it about 10 fewer cokes than I drink most days.

I have a sudden burst of energy. I feel like I am only in my thirties today. Like I need to get something done. I want to do stuff and I don't know why. I have my headphones on and I am jamming to Metallica. I've been making up songs and singing them out loud, most of the stuff is rap style be-box. I wish I had thought of recording it for you, as you would be in on the little secret that I am a creative genius, and not just the most awesome blogger you know.

I think I will post comments to some of your blogs if get around to it. It's just I have not had a lot of spare energy to give out to you, and interaction with other people taxes my reserves. You would know that if you ever got around to reading the Meyers-Briggs profile I keep posting about myself. But today I have tons of extra energy and I want to share some of it with you- my brothers in blogging.

I think I have so much energy today because I am on a diet. I am eating healthier than normal, and I am avoiding as much extra sugar as I can. My Internet g/f is a fox and is a part of the glamorous set. Mixing with the beautiful crowd is not as easy as you might think even with a "get in free" pass for being her Internet boyfriend. My g/f wants me to lose thirty pounds for "health reasons" and she told me she will dump me if I gain even 5 more pounds.

I am filled with fear about gaining weight. Just recently I was up around 225 pounds. (ok 228) And that was with biking 30 minutes everyday to work and back. I stopped that shit as soon as I got the truck up and running so I have to double down on the not-eating.

I did that once when I was 18. I lost 30 pounds and got down to around 145 pounds. Back then You seriously could not catch me on the basketball court. I could shut you best player down with my intimidating style of defense. I get up in your face. You might beat me on occasion, but you could not match the intensity and energy I came with all game. I feel like that now. Like I don't need chocolate anymore. I am getting an eating disorder and I can't wait for the endorphins that get released from not eating. I think I will visit one of those internet Anorexia communities like thinspiration for some inspiration. I can't wait for my abs and my guns and my pecks to start popping. Then my internet g/f's girlfriends will be like "damn girl he turned out all hot and shit, way to go gurl!!"



When I get skinny and buff my Internet g/f won't have to be embarrassed of me, and I will take my shirt off at the beach, and I will volunteer to be skins when we play pick up basketball down at the park. I will stop getting picked last, and I will out rebound your ass on the low post. I don't care that you have 4 inches on me, and it won't matter that I have unusually short arms for my height. I will get the ball and I will make a move that you don't often see from a short white guy and you will have to explain your failure to score on me to your hot girlfriend who will probably masturbate to thoughts of me for going 4 for 4 on you. I feel sorry for you already.

Speaking of blogging, I can't wait to post my "Burn this Flag on Memorial Day" meme over at Bathos for the Misanthropic. I am headed over to Mesa tomorrow for a protest against The PREZ aka G.W. Bush. I think I will take my movie camera and maybe try and get a few pics of me burning flags and yelling at cops. Maybe I will get lucky and I will get a youtube worthy clip of me getting maced by some big ass storm trooper.

The government tells me to suck it on health care and white people are still ascared of a black man getting to be president

I pooped green today. It was the second time I pooped green in two weeks. I guess I have the AIDS. I don't eat lettuce or anything green, so I know it has nothing to do with my diet. My tummy feels crummy so maybe I just have a bug or something. I can't go to the doctor to make sure, because I don't have health insurance.

I applied to the state to get access to government run health care. I have spent the last two weeks in breathless anticipation waiting for an answer from DES to my application. In came in yesterdays mail and the answer is no. I make way too much money it seems. Anyone making more than 897 dollars a month won't get assistance in John McCain's state paying for health care.

I guess I will just have to wait for the free market to step in and do what is does best: take care of the lower class. In just a couple of months I will get health benefits from my employer. Hopefully I don't die of a bowel obstruction, or a bowel disorder before that. I stopped drinking beer and I limit myself to just a couple of cokes a day. So I have done my part as best I can. I say this because I am just wondering if anyone wants me to document my poop for them.

I know a lot of you don't believe me when I say I poop green. I can now take a picture of the poop, because I got a digital camera the other day. I could take photos and post them to the net is all I am saying. Maybe this idea won't take off, but if you still feel compelled to request proof from me I could e-mail you pictures of my poop whenever it turns green or yellow. I get no sexual satisfaction from this, if that is what you are thinking. I just want you people to take me seriously, and if e-mailing you pictures of my yellow and green poop is what it takes then so be it!

IF OBAMA THINKS WHITE PEOPLE ARE OVER SLAVERY HE NEEDS TO MEET SOME NEW WHITE PEOPLE

I get e-mails everyday from my step-parents. My step parents are the kinda people who think chain e-mails are funny. They also think I will stop being a member of the Communist Party (USA!) if I read a "fun fact" from talk radio. They think I will join the jesus lovers if I read a story about how angels rescued a puppy. They won't give up, just like my internet g/f won't give up the idea of selling me on puppies. I hate puppies more than I hate Rush Limbaugh. The only reason I visit youtube (other than all the teen girls dancing in the panties) is to watch soldiers toss puppies of cliffs. I find that sick shit funny and I won't apologize for it either. I guess you could say that makes me a dick, but not as big a dick as people who pass around those fake e-mails that claim that Obama is a Muslim who will start a race war if he gets elected.

My step parents sent me a couple of those e-mails and I finally got sick of it when the last one came with a link to scopes.com for fact checking it. So I went to Scopes at obama/muslim and the first thing I noticed was that scopes said there is a bunch of e-mails being sent around that are fake and not true.

You would think that would be the end of it. I mean I looked it up and showed my step units proof that the e-mail they sent was fake. But you'd be wrong. I don't normally put my real life in this blog. At least when I do I make sure to fictionalize it to protect the guilty. But I say fuck it today. * Let me just show you what the good white people really think about a black man running for president.

DAY 1 e-mail from STep DAd

DEAR ROMIUS [Not my real name, and yes the guy writes in all caps!]

HERE IS SOME INTERESTING READING. PICK ANY OF THEM AND CHECK IT OUT WITH SNOPES.COM OR WHEREVER YOU WANT.

DAY 2

my response is to email step daddy a link with this rather objective headline:

Report: Hoax Anti-Obama E-Mails Still Fool Dumb White Guys!

[haha I am funny!]

I added this commentary as well:

If you click on the link in the daily news (That liberal rag) it takes you to the snopes. com website and SNOPES ITSELF says the two different emails you sent me are fake (it quotes them and I looked over both that you sent me. )

Despite the paper being liberally biased (even biased fox news get things right on occasion)-I'm afraid that the two emails you sent are KNOWN fakes and not FROM SNOPES at all. One could tell simply from the tone of the e-mail that is would not come from Snopes as snopes writing style is more neutral and even-handed than what we read in the e-mails you passed along. HERE is the REAL link to SNOPES to OBAMA AND MUSLIMs the emails you sent me are false.

I have no doubt that you don't like OBAMA because he is a liberal and has differs in opinion on things like taxes etc., and not because of some silly e-mails you received; however, you are passing them along and must have thought they were of some importance.

I would hope after you read this you might pass the real snope.com link along.

Howver you sent me those e-mails. You did not send me refutations of his postiton. You sent me emails that are hoaxes, those hoaxes are going around the net claiming false things about Obama, which is why I sent you the the info on snopes via the daily news. I should have just sent you the original Snopes as you seem to trust them (BOTH of your previous emails contain SNOPES as a verifier of truth) I hope after you read the real snopes article your fears will be put to rest.

Regarding the Reverend Wright, I must assume that REV. HAGEE (MCCAIN"S PREACHER) and his zealous anti-semitism and racism is unknown to you. If not why would Obama's preacher's racism bother you more?

HAGEE is as bad if not worse on race (not to mention his anti-catholic stance). [This was written before the latest Hagee snafu about how god wanted Hitler to "persuade" the Jews to Isreal.]

Regarding your last email (AGAIN VERIFIED AS A HOAX AT SNOPES ) even if it were true -- politicians lie and politicians make their biography serve their desire for election. McCain has been around for a hundred years. I am sure their must be a million instances where he has misstated the truth (he can't tell the difference between Suni AL-queda and shiite Iran, but that is a different matter.)

If ethics were a concern for politicians then John McCain's involvement in the KEATING 5 would disqualify him from office. I can't see how he could get a job as a bank teller with ethical violations like that. I don't think any of those reasons are the real reasons you dislike Obama. I do not assume you are a racist either. {Very kind of me, no?}

However I think it is dangerous (I don't use that term lightly ) to send forwarded e-mails that attack the character of a person (running for office or not) in the manner that the e-mails I received from you and [redacted] did. They attack the man's patriotism and loyalty to the US. I find attacks like that highly offensive. The e-mails are hoaxes and wrong. The attacks are unwarranted and of an ethically dubious kind. In addition, I would not take the word of a forwarded emailer that snopes verified this stuff when I could check snopes myself. The email attacks were not of the kind that most politicians must face like "he supports a gas tax," but "he will give the muslim the bomb and kill all the white people" those kind of attacks should be vetted by you, because by forwarding them you have attached your good name to them. I know you would not want to be part of something like that.

DAY 3

STEP DADDY IS IN A BAD MOOD FROM MY LAST EMAIL:

I ONLY SENT IT TO YOU AND TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN CHECK IT OUT. I DID NOT AND DON'T PUT SNOPES AS THE GOSPEL FOR ANYTHING SO I JUST THROWED IT OUT FOR YOU. I DID NOT KNOW IT WAS GOING TO CAUSE YOU TO GET YOUR DRAWERS IN A WAD. ERGO, WON'T BE SENDING MUCH YOUR WAY UNLESS IT'S FAMILY ORIENTED AND W/O POLITICS. YOU APPEAR TO BE MORE CONCERNED IN RESEARCHING THOSE THINGS THAN MAKING A DECENT CAREER FOR YOURSELF, (maybe if you stopped asking me to research stuff I would have time to get a real job!) SO HAVE AT IT AND I WISH YOU WELL.

I MEAN THAT SINCERELY. [nice touch] THAT SEEMS TO BE YOUR BAG.

WELL SAID AND I CONGRATULATE YOU, BUT I STILL DON'T TRUST THE MAN AND DISLIKE THE DEMOCRATIC PHILOSOPHY EVEN IF THEY WERE TRULY LIVING IT WHICH THEY ARE NOT. EVERYTHING ACROSS THE REP/DEM LINES ARE FOR SELF GAIN AND POWER AND NOT IN SUPPORT OF THOSE THAT VOTED THEM INTO OFFICE WHICH IS THE SCARIEST OF ALL THINGS. AT MY AGE, HAVING DONE A LOT FOR ALMOST 67 YEARS WITH A LOT OF HARD WORK, IT IS HARD TO SUPPORT ANY POLITICIAN, WHETHER IT BE DEM OR REP THAT WANTS TO GIVE A PORTION OF MY LIFE'S EARNINGS TO THOSE THAT DO NOT WANT TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING IN THEIR LIVES. RIGHT NOW, YOU FIT THAT BILL WITH YOU WILLINGNESS TO JUST "GET BY", AND MAKE NOTHING OF YOURSELF. YOU SAY I OFFENDED YOU, WELL, THE FACT THAT YOU ARE SO INTELLIGENT AND HAVE SO MUCH TO OFFER, YET DO NOTHING..............THAT OFFENDS ME. BEING WHAT YOU CALL POLITICALLY CORRECT DOES NOT EARN A PAY CHECK NOR DOES IT PROVIDE FOR THE FUTURE WHICH IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE REALLY CONCERNED WITH ESPECIALLY AT YOUR AGE. WELL, THAT IS IF YOU WANT TO WORK IN MEDIOCRITY ALL YOUR LIFE, THEN I GUESS IT OK, BUT IT NEVER WAS FOR ME AND MILLIONS OF OTHERS. IF THIS OFFENDS YOU, THEN MAYBE THERE IS HOPE AND I KNOW YOU HAVE THE POTENTIAL OR I WOULD NOT HAVE OFFERED TO SEND YOU BACK TO SCHOOL.

NUFF SAID

Indeed sir.

I never responded back even though I meant to. I guess I should have pointed out to him that political correctness has nothing to do with calling a person a traitor, that it is just plain mean and libelous. But I was too busy eating ice cream.

Self Help Center Podcast #19

Here is another podcast for you to ignore. I guess it's a good thing I waste so much of my valuable time on creating this podcast, because I know you all love to hear me read things to you that you have already read. The Internet g/f thinks my voice is "creepy" so she refuses to listen to the podcast, I can't think what your excuse could be. Are you too poor to afford an i-pod? How can you afford a computer and internet service then?

Speaking of poverty, in addition to my time as a correspondent over at the Needs of the Few, I am interning over at Hell's Leading newspaper the Daily Brimstone where I am the official Arizona economy reporter giving you updates about how John McCain will ruin the American economy, or at least turn all of America in to the dry desert I call home. Today's temperature is 109 degrees, so I guess I should ask the boys over in Hell to 'dial it down a bit' as I don't think I need to actually feel the fires of hell to intern with you.

I think I will just have to say fuck mother earth today and drive the 2 miles to work. Either that or I will need to by new underwear every week. I am not sure which is worse for the Earth, but smelly underwear is not how I got myself 6 spirit wives.

The Self Help Center reveals the SHC guide to Getting yourself the internet boyfriend you've always wanted

recently I discovered that I have a mild form of dyslexia. My dyslexia does not occur to me when I read, but only when I write and sometimes when I talk. If you noticed it on this blog before I mentioned it, kudos. If now that you are aware of it, you sense it in every sentence i WRITE, and hold your breath in anticipation of every word you read, I apologize. But enough about my troubled mind.

THE SELF HELP GUIDE TO SECURING YOURSELF AN INTERNET BOYFRIEND

You say you want a boyfriend. But you are shy, or maybe you are just hideous to the eyes of men-folk. You assume this rightly because no man asks you out on dates, and because you sit alone in the room which was your Aunt's attic until she died. And now that room is yours with its ancient sewing machines and it's dial up internet access.

Be aware that if you follow my program, you will indeed get yourself an internet boyfriend. Not too long from now, you will realize that you have traded in the safety of solitude for the adventures to be found by dating, a man. If you continue on this path (which is so set in your heart that I will not be able to dissuade you from it) then many things will happen to you, and most of them will be unexpected, and nearly all of them will be ungood, but I trust that is what you want and I will make sure you get what you want.

Here is what most of you do when searching for an internet b/f:

Go to yahoo.com and download messenger.
Sign on as a female.
Do nothing else.

You will not get an internet b/f if you do this. What you will find instead is men who are ready to send you pictures of their genitalia. If you want to get an internet boyfriend there are better ways of going about it than the clumsy amatuerism of internet personal ads. Some of my ways include you cultivating yourself to be presentable. Do not take the easy way out on this. Do not take pictures of yourself from flattering angles that hide your embarrassing size.

A quick fix to your obesity is a starvation diet. It does wonders for a thick booty and ankles. And it is not as difficult as it seems. All it requires is that you do not eat. For the first few hours after not eating your body will send some annoying signals to you in the form of stomach grumbling and light headedness. Ignore those signals and you will fast find yourself on the way to becoming skinny.

Ignore my advice by refusing to become skinny and all the men you ever have sex with will not think about you when they penetrate you, rather they will think about your 'prettier' sister, or cousin, or their last g/f or the baseball game on TV. They will peer at your imperfections and be disgusted. They will notice cellulite where you cannot see it and hence never knew it existed. They will hold these secret thought inside them and they will use them to justify as an excuse any betrayal and any indiscretion the heap upon you. I will not tolerate this. I will not allow you to do this to yourself.

RELAX YOUR ROMANTIC VISION OF LOVE

Men do not think about you as a person with a soul. Men are unable to draw the distinction between outward beauty and inward beauty, so it is best to make sure that your outside matches the winner you are on the inside.

I know some of you will object and suggest that you "know men" who do not behave this way. Those are not real men and you should cease any contact you have with those homosexuals as that kind of vice is punished by god and he patrols that sin with a watchfulness that is eternal and unmitigated.

I have no idea how long you should starve yourself as I do not have any idea how fat you are. But you will know when you can begin to eat carrots again because men make it known to you if you are attractive. Search their eyes for lust. Seek out the men who hunger for you because they are wolves and will devour your flower and will you leave you with nothing else if you are lucky.

Google is a valuable search engine in your quest to find an internet boyfriend. You can find many of the things including the men you want on it. Type in your browser the qualities and the things you find secretly attractive. Do not type the things your mother or brother would have you believe are valuable in mates. Type in the things that make you quiver at night. Type "blog" after you enter the characteristics of men that you want and you will find a blog run by a person with all those sentiments.

Be Patient.

First, you must start by reading his blog. I would start at the beginning, but since you are a women you will start at the end. Work backwards. Leave comments on his blog, but only authentic ones. Do not force them. Let the comments come naturally. This could take some time. In the best case scenario, I would say two to three years. But it could take longer and I see no reason for you to grow angry with me because you did not allow the natural process of this program to work its way out. I will entertain no request for refunds from you regarding my program that "insures you get your internet boyfriend" until you have surpassed year 4.

REMOVE YOURSELF FROM ALL MALE COMPANY

Include any of the previous Jackals you allowed to ravage you. They present themselves as possible mates. But they are wrong for you. If you are married you should get divorced, or at least move away from him. Do not allow unknown single men to open doors for you. This will get in the way of needed calorie consumption on your part, and may invite strangers to consider you easy prey.

E-MAIL AND CHAT IS FOREPLAY FOR PHONE SEX / phone sex is foreplay for actual foreplay which should be used as little as possible as it is not real sex and men like real sex.

Once you have gotten the male in question to notice you, begin to email him. At first allow the e-mails to be about the blog, or the comments that you have made.

Next, make inquires into his "real life." Pepper your comments with a sexy attitude. Start your own blog and publish stories about oral sex. Men love oral sex and men love women who promise oral sex to them. Be prepared to deliver the oral sex for at least as long as it takes for him to propose moving in with you and then get him to promise to do the laundry before you stop all oral sex (except for your own requests for oral stimulation which you should couch "as actually needed" as his penis is too small to reach your cervical cavity or g-spot.)

Third, try instant messaging. Anytime he is online make sure you notice and interrupt his searches for pornography. Cyber sex is not a substitute for sex, so as quickly as you can proceed to phone sex.

Try not to remember anything your man tells you during phone sex. The male brain is equipped for higher levels of stimulation than your female oriented brain. It is important that you do not judge men on their fantasies or their sex talk.

Men are very sensitive about sex talk with women and are constantly in fear that they will offend the "weaker" sex. If you show any offense you will be labeled as a prude and as feminist. Men do not like women who's response to sex is one of judgementalism or moral objection. If you have any morality or taboos left it is acceptable to seek out the help of a Jackal to relieve you of any such concepts. They will devour you and spit you out. You may feel used, but you will be ready to accept the loving embrace of your new boyfriend all the better.

After Cyber Sex and Phone Sex you should consider relocating to your new b/f's hometown. Unless you will lose a great deal of money. In that case allow your b/f to move in with you, but be aware that it takes time to adjust to a new city and make resumes. Finding a job could take several years. Do not allow him to rush the process as it will only lead to long term emotional instabilty and unhappiness for you. Remember, you asked him to move for you. The least you can do is be there for him during this stressful period. I would suggest you allow him an asian massage, to relieve him of any undue stress, but if you have reached this point in the program then I think I hardly need to suggest that to you as it would have come into your conciousness of its own accord.

I bet you want to be internet famous, because being internet famous is the new thing, and by internet famous I mean famous for 10 people like me

It's just another Friday night for you and even though all I might be doing right now is spooning down delicious fudge pudding (I'm on my second cup) I am still way cooler than you, because I am internet famous. Internet famous is the new 15 minutes and everybody, that means you Mr. Andy Warhol, wants a peice of it.

I have always wanted to be internet famous. I wrote this post to tell you how to become internet famous. It's easy to become internet famous, because all being internet famous means is that you are famous for 10 people. 10 people think I am famous and that makes me internet famous, but even though I am internet famous, I still have to do my own dishes.

I may do my own dishes and I may stay home on Friday nights and eat all the fudge pudding in my refrigerator. But I met a girl on the internet and she is really hot and one day I will go visit her and I will ask her to be my internet girlfriend.

I sense you are all jealous of my life, with my newly acquired drivers license, a possible internet g/f on the horizon, the random suspensions from work- for being tardy, freeing me up for all kinds of time to write on my book, which if ever published will freak you out big time. Frieda Bee will finally be forced to deliver on her promise to write literary theory about me. With all that's finally going right, something even more tremendous happened to me today...

I GOT RECOGNIZED

That's right. I got recognized for the first time as an internet celebrity. And just like with sex, the first time is special and important. I will treasure the memory of that moment always.

The thing about me is I care about my fans. If a fan is lucky enough to find me at work, I will stop working (and risk getting fired) to listen to them tell me how great I am. Because I know, for you, getting the chance to finally tell me how great I am is what you live for, and I can't think of anything better than you getting to meet me, since I never get to meet people as cool as me, but you did, so kudos to you.

THE SELF HELP GUIDE FOR THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR WHEN BEING INTERNET FAMOUS AND BY INTERNET FAMOUS I MEAN FAMOUS FOR TEN PEOPLE

(subtitled:)

BEING INTERNET FAMOUS IS EASY. How to GET interNET famous:

All you have to do to get internet famous is write a blog for like 5 years and sooner or later like 10 people will think you are ok and will maybe get around to like subscribing to your RSS feed or something, but probably not, probably they just read whatever finds it way to your myspace blog even though your myspace blog is not your real blog, but nobody you know wants to read your real blog, and that was the whole reason you had to start your podcast, because people are too lazy to read and even those fans who listen to your podcast will be too lazy or uncommitted to submit it to Digg.com. So you really have no chance to be famous any other way than on the internet where your 10 internet fans can have you all to themselves.

If you do get internet famous I bet none of your readers will visit your archives, so don't worry about editing any of your old stuff, because nobody looks at it anyway. It also does not pay to try and grow as a writer because your readers have already pigeon holed you into a category and they don't want to read any of your new characters, especially if those characters tend to make you look gay because you are writing from a different gender's point of view and writing from a different gender is not as easy as it seems so maybe people should just give you a chance to work things out and stop being so judgemental and stuff, but I can bet ya that's not gonna happen.

Don't worry if you don't feel inspired all the time to write. You won't want to, and you shouldn't have to. Even if you make promises to blog a new entry everyday, don't worry, your failure to do so will never get noticed by any of your fans. If you get inspired to write by meeting a fan, go ahead and write, just don't give them any shout outs because inspiring you to write is what fans are for. And if you can't take crap out on your fans then I can't see any point to getting famous.

Other than the money and the respect, but internet celebrity of this sort does not come with cash or respect, so take what you can by dumping on as many people as possible before they get wise to you and take off for some other inter-loser.

If you get internet famous you just might be able to turn that celebrity cache into getting yourself an internet girlfriend. Getting an internet girlfriend is a big decision though, and should not be entered into lightly, but with proper consideration and Romius T.'s helpful advice you too can have an internet girlfriend with all the benefits they have to offer and almost none of the drawbacks.

THE SELF HELP GUIDE TO GETTING YOURSELF AN INTERNET G/F? LOL> ROFL ETC. ETC.

Internet girlfriends are not a lot different than other girlfriends in the sense that they are women, and since they are women you can assume that they have the same limitations, expectations, and drawbacks as other women you might meet in real life, only they are on the internet so they probably have a few more quirks and by 'quirks' I mean many of the girls you will meet on the internet are ladymen (some come with nice boobs-nice enuff to make you forget that they also come with a penis), and the ones that aren't ladymen just got released for the third time from the sanitarium, where they learned that water coloring is a good way to deal with stress, and they try not to deal with stress the way they learned from their mommas, and that is by burning shit up in the middle of an apartment complex.

I think I just gave you a good idea for a birthday present for your internet g/f. A massive set of water colors. And don't forget to have the fire department on speed dial, because a recent meta analysis conducted on water color therapy concluded that water therapy is crap, besides your internet girlfriend is not about to take all her prescribed medication.

I mean I am sure for the first few weeks she will be like "I love the Prozac!" and all, but who really wants to deal with the weight gain and the calm moods that Prozac brings, when you can just light stuff on fire?

Internet girlfriends never live in the same state as you do so that means you have to save money to go see them otherwise you will never get any of the sex you are hoping for and really don't men want relationships just so they can have sex?

That might be a stereotype of male behavior so I would not read to much into that, because as you know I get away with making outrageous claims like that, because what I do here is satire so don't take things so seriously and by that I mean I think I just got myself in trouble with my (one day I hope!!) internet g/f so you can see how prickly they can be.

Internet g/f's are expensive, but so are real girlfriends and real girlfriends are hard to find or you wouldn't be on the internet looking for an internet g/f.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE AWESOME THINGS ABOUT INTERNET GIRLFRIENDS?

The internet is full of beautiful women who have posted their pics on myspace or flicker. Your internet g/f can steal one or more of those pictures and then present it to you like the picture is really her. Then for the first time in your life you can say you are dating a really hot chick, and your FIRL's (friends in real life) can be totally jealous of you, and that is a feeling I bet you would like to have at least once before you die.

Watch out for Internet girl friends as they usually have a lot of free time on their hands, so you better too, because they will always be up for a conversation at the wee morning hours. But talking to a internet girl is as close as you can get to talking to a real girl, and I bet you don't have anything better going on in the morning anyway, so maybe talking to her is not such a bad idea after all.

I normally have more than a few bad ideas when I date a chick. Like I like to make up stories about them. You can't do that with a real girlfriend. They get pissy about that sort of thing. But you can make up all kinds of stories to your co-workers about your internet g/f, because she will never meet them.

Again, I don't advise you to make up stories about a real life g/f as she might want to meet your friends and she will totally try and bust you on all your stories.The best thing about internet g/f's is that no matter how much your internet g/f wants to meet your mom or your friends she probably lives a few thousand miles away, so she will never be able to bust you with your story telling, so I say go for it! I like to tell folks that my internet g/f's are candy strippers, or motel chambermaids in Moscow.

Sometimes I go exotic and tell how my women are former burlesque dancers from Laos. The more exotic the story you tell the better, because anybody that is impressed that you have an internet g/f is bound to believe that you really are a secret agent who met your gal pal on the road to Damascus and never questions you with the fact that Damascus is no where near Russia. Of course the whole "road to Damascus" thing may go over their heads too, but you like feeling superior to your friends and they like that you know answers to almost half the questions you hear on Jeopardy.

I get creepy eyes from the swinger couple who drink way too much wine, I discover old people like them some donuts

Here are some random observations about my customers:

Old People Like Donuts

old people like donuts
and other than kids
I never see anyone else
buying donuts.

I wonder what will become of donut shops when all the old people die.

I get stalked by a couple of Swingers

I thought swinging died in the 70's like the American dream. But swinging didn't die, it just reinvented itself under its new name "the lifestyle."

There is a middle aged couple who shop at my grocery store nearly everyday. I know they drink way too much wine because they buy two big bottles every time they shop. They always make the same excuse that they have "company over" and are "entertaining." They both have that artificial boomer glow. They get a long of sun and so are way too tan. They always look like they are on vacation. The husband always wears shorts to the store. I don't think the man owns a pair of trousers. Their faces are rose colored from the burst capillaries like those of an advanced alcoholic or maybe a hobo from the great depression, and I am sure they are both potheads. The wife is so glassy eyed it's spooky to stare at her to long. The wife wears low cut tops and is heavily freckled from tanning, so I want to stare a bit.

They are nice. Way too nice. They thank me endlessly for bagging their groceries or swiping their store credit card so I can save them some money. They call me by my name and make a point of not looking at my name tag as they say it. They both speak to me in the sing song voice of a cult member. Everything is shiny. Everything is fun. "Everything is happier here." Their voices tell me. Maybe I can meet them for a drink sometime. Maybe I would enjoy one of their famous dinner parties. The lifestyle. It beckons.

Is it bad in America when people use Coinstar to pay for Top Ramen?

You can tell people are feeling the recession these days. Almost 30% of my customers use food stamps to pay for their items. Many people use coins and coupons to buy Top Ramen. I know people are doing what it takes to stretch their budgets and I am the last guy who wants to make fun of you, if you are buying Ramen with money from your coin jar.

But I don't understand the a couple last night that bought 200 dollars worth of grocery items, but they only had 66 dollars. The guy bought a water filter for 20 dollars, and then he tried buying groceries for the week. Basic math is essential here. He seemed genuinely surprised that you can't buy the entire store for 60 dollars. Hasn't he heard food prices are up?

Today's poop watch is green with a side of nuts. I avoid another dog attack. My feud with the Drunken Stepfather continues.

I make sure to write down how often I take a green shit because I am hyper paranoid about dying. Just like this site is dying, now that I have been banned in the forum by the folks at Drunken Stepfather. Not that this site was going anywhere before that. But I am down to less than a hundred hits a day and most of those look at one page before realizing they can waste their time better someplace else.

I think my poop was green because I drank a Sobe with Acerola and Hiprose at work yesterday. Acerola has lots of iron which can turn your shit green. Also I had one of those Fiber 1 bars with 9 grams of added fiber. The added fiber comes in the form of some kind of Mayan Root, and who knows maybe that gives you green bowel movements too. All I know is I topped it off with a bowl of chili so I will be constipated tomorrow I bet. I can tell you that my tummy had been hurting today, and that I had a terrible case of acid-reflux yesterday, and now I feel like a bad case of the diarrhea coming on.

I had to eat left over chili because I rode the bike down to the local Mexican eatery for a burrito, but for some reason the mexican food place only serves cars at their late night drive thru now. They used to have their diner open all night and it was a great place to meet drunk chicks. So I had to pedal back home without my beef/been combo burrito.

On the way home I saw a large black dog at the end of the block. I was hungry but not hallucinatory, so I decided I better ride all the way around the block to get home.

I can't pay the doctor bill for a rabies shot as I have no idea if I have been approved yet for government health care. I got a letter back that said they received my application and that it was being forwarded to the proper eligibility auditor to determine if I was indeed eligible. I tried calling the auditor but I was put on hold all day and I don't have a case number so I can't use the automated system to find anything out either. I guess I am just going to do what most people do when confronted by the massive red tape and tyranny of the state. I will wait and see and hope for the best.

I had hoped for the best when it comes to resloving my feud withe the drunken stepfather, but then he posted a rather sad blog entry about how wonderful his fans are on his forums. He said something like even though all the haters of his site think he is a misogynistic asshole his fans are sweet to all the girls who visit the forum.

when I asked a girl about it she said that unlike all other forums, the guys on it are actually nice to the girls. It’s funny that the site gets slated as a misogynist site that hates on and objectifies women, when in reality all I do is hate on an objectify sluts who are already objectifying themselves

Personally I like all the hating on girls that Jesus does. I will always be a fan of the D.S., but I thought he was kinda pathetic, sucking up to his 5 forum based fans is pretty sad. Those forum guys can't get a guy like jesus. They can't take a joke because they don't realize that they are banning me for posting the same kind of thing that their 'hero' Jesus Martinez does all day. I say this because I need to warn my readers that the forum over at Drunken Stepfather thinks this site is a pedophiles site and that is why they banned me and that is why they took down their link to my site.

So by extension you, my readers, are all chomo's too, and if you don't take that personally I will. I mean I know some of you really are pedophiles, but some of you sublimated that desire to have kids, and if your ex found out you visited this site he might try and take them away from you, which might be a good thing for the kids, but it would have a devastating impact on your psyche. And I don't like having that kind of blood on my hands, so maybe (just maybe) you need to tell the pussies who run the forum at Drunken Stepfather that this site is not a haven for child lovers, but is just a good old fashioned place where I can post totally legal pictures of jail bait you can jack off to in the darkened corner of your basement. Nobody needs to know about your dirty secrets. And you can count on me to do whatever it takes to make sure that nobody will.

Self Help Podcast # 18

Spread the love. Here is volume 18 of the Self Help Podcast. My voice is not creepy. My podcast is age appropriate for young school children. My podcast has still not been added to digg.com. One day when I am famous you will regret not getting in on the ground floor of this opportunity.

Head over to my podcast home page page at Switchpod where you can listen to and download any or all of the exciting 18 episodes. You can vote on each individual episode and you can give my podcast a rating. I expect it will be a 5. So far I average 2.86 on 44 votes. I think we can do better. I am celebrating the 2 month and 10 day anniversary of this podcast.

I had no idea I would get to 300 downloads so slowly. I totally would have never started this podcast if I knew that. I have more listeners subscribing to me on short wave radio than download this podcast. And by shortwave radio I mean I bought a walkie talkie and cross the antenna with my black and white 13 inch tv antenna.

Somehow that boosts my signal strength and pisses off the short wave radio operator down the street. Sometimes I pickup cordless phone conversations on people who still have a phone that was built in the 1980's. God bless the 80's, old people and the few idiot drug dealers still willing to have conversations that way.



Speaking of bullshit ...I got banned over at the Drunken Stepfather. It seems his forum is full of 14 year old girls who think my blog posts are obscene or something. I thought about getting pissed off at Jesus Martinez (aka The drunk stepfather) but he told me he doesn't even run the forum someone else does and that I must have pissed off or offended some guy but he would try and intervene if I promised to stop posting jailbait. I thought that was a bit hypocritical of to suggest to me that I should stop posting about jailbait, because all the jailbait I post I steal from his site and told him so.

He must have taken me seriously because he did not send me one of his famous e-mail rants and I think he even tried asking the lame-o who banned me to un-ban me. But that being said I think I just lost the links I posted to this website on this forum and that means I will lose half my traffic which is ok by me as most of those guys from the forums were douche bags who hated this blog even though the only difference between me and Jesus Martinez was that I discovered paragraph formatting before him and he posts pics of hot pregnant chicks.

In other bad news that is not really bad news, I had yesterday off from work because I got suspended for coming being late too often. I was 7 minutes late the other day, and now I can't be late for a good 3 months or so which means I will start taking shifts that start at 6 pm so I can get up in time for work. I did get around to finding a cassette player adapter for my mp3 player; however, so the day was not a total loss.

The past few posts have had something to do with work but I don't feel like adding a label to them because they just don't feel "worky" enough. The reason this post has dragged on so long is I keep updating it because I hate posting more than once a day here because I think it kills the aesthetic I am known for. I hope you all appreciate all the shit I go through just to get this blog up and running.

All that said I am now going to say goodbye to a cool blog buddy. D-Cup has retired and that means I will have to find almost naked pictures of boobs, political disccusion, and childrearing advice elsewhere. Good Luck in your life D-cup. NOw that you have stopped blogging you can have a life in the real world. I found life outside too hard so that is why you guys are stuck with me for a while.