Wednesday, July 28, 2010

If you come up at me "rapping" about how you're a "grandma" and you "want to fuck me" I might ask you to remove your saggy tits from my shoulder

Last night I got a call from j-dog.  I hung out with him at the "Lucky Devil" and nearly got laid.  I met a nerdy girl who just turned 21, and I bought her a shot.  She ordered the most expensive tequila in the bar.  I guess I should have figured.  Her shot almost cost me more that the 3 small pitchers of bud light I was nursing that evening.

It was okay though.  It was her birthday and I am on my quest to date a nerd girl.

While we waited for her shot she told me she was ex-Mormon.  She said she started drinking when she was 14. Then she told me she could drink me under the table.

"Because I'm a shot girl.  I only do shots."

I told her once I got under the table, "I was a trouble making troll."  Then I told her about my affection for alliteration and she was like, "I'm good at math."

Her parents kicked her out of the church because they thought she was a lesbian.

"Well."  I thought.  "You aren't married and 21."  I told her.  "And you have short hair.  That pretty much makes you a lesbian in the Mormon church."

She agreed.  But she did not apologize for her short hair.

She had some funky glasses that hid her face well.  I think that was a good thing as there may have been some cross-eyes, or Mormon inbreeding going on there.

Still she was intelligent and spoke of jokes about 8 year old boys and the pope and so that caught my attention.

But her cock blocking friends were going to have nothing to do with her talking to me.  They all walked up and dragged her off, only for her to come back a few minutes later and sit down with me.  We talked for like another 20 minutes and just when you thought I could have asked for her number her friends drag her off a second time.

In my youth I would have drank a few beers and waited for her to come back around, or walked outside to get her number, but I am way too old for all that now.  Also, it occurred to me that she was only 21.  Other than molestation, I can't think what to do with a 21 year old girl.  So I bid her adieu and walked home.

Other things that happened that night.

J-dog and I talked cell phones.  J-dog is an interesting cat.  He is the only person I feel comfortable calling me "bro."  He saw me texting and had the best line of the night when he told me to "put that slow phone away"  Okay.  Maybe not the best line of the night.  But I now can't wait for August 20th.  I am getting me an Epic 4g.  No matter what.  If I have to sell everything I own.  I will do it!*

*Not that I have any interested buyers on the enV3 I put up for sell on craigslist.*

Other things that have nothing to do with cell phones.

J-dog's brother got arrested for punching his girlfriend.  Somehow I was made to feel sorry for J-dogs brother.  I guess his girl did not want to press charges, but one of the neighbors saw the punch and called the cops.  The guy is on parole, so it could be messed up for him.  J-dog is afraid his brother is going back to jail for a long ass stint.

The brother went to jail for stealing a million dollars from an old woman.  But it wasn't like he wasn't taking care of the old gal while he was milking her.  He used some of the money he stole for her, and apparently she did not want to press charges against him.

J-dog told me about how his parents spent a hundred grand on lawyers as he sipped from a 20 ounce Whataburger cup full of Jagermeister.

His brother's situation sounds a lot like the girl I felt up 20 years ago in a bar.  I reached up and ran my hand real slow like up her skirt till she turned around and was like, "Hey!  What the FUCK!"

I was like, "Took ya a while to say something."

Her friends looked over at me in disbelief.  But then I got confirmation from the girl.

"I had my hand there for a while, right?"  She let me play with her thigh.  This only emboldened me and I went for the panties.

She nodded at me but was like, "You took it too far."

I guess it was the finger in the panties then?

Fair enough.

Another thing.  The grandma rapper was real.  A sweet 41 year old grandma.  She rapped during the DJ show.  She kept telling me her tits were on me.  I kept thinking "Does that mean you have droopy tits? or are you into me?"

Well she wanted to fuck me.  That's the third woman in the past month I turned down.  So I guess me not get laid is all about me being choosy.  But without a car I can't go back to her place and then never call her again.  She might drop me off at home and then she'd know where I lived.  And crazy-rappin' black grandmas is something you don't take lightly.

I was gonna buy a crap load of drugs from some of the people I met to celebrate my vacation.  But circumstances came up and I was unable to consummate the deal  Also, I am down to 100 dollars in my account.  I can't see me buying drugs and eating out, going to the bookstore and buying a new phone anytime soon.  Even if I start donating plasma at 50 dollars a pop.

I let you know if I am healthy enough to donate plasma.  Also, if I have AIDS or some other blood disease when the tests come back.


thimscool said...

That's just awesome.

Romius T. said...

Thank you sir.

Laura said...

Your life sounds fun. Sickass, almost.

Alecia said...

i'm glad to hear that other people also donate blood for the free AIDS test...