Saturday, July 17, 2010

i discover the sinister truth about synaesthetes

if you're like me and you try to write half-way complicated shit on your blog, you will notice that most of the time you come off as some kind of ass.

the best case scenario is i am steve jobs at some lame press conference explaining to a bunch of nose pickers that they can "have their free case" and "please shut the fuck up about how our phone drops calls."

but most of the time a guy like me doesn't even rise to the level of doucheyness that my analogy suggested.

instead i sound a lot more like an idiot that can't put two sentences together and get them to connect in some meaningful (if offensive manner.)

i'm sure that's why this blog has failed to find an audience -except for the isolated packet of traffic that comes from synaesthetes searching for pictures of miley cyrus's crotch.

it bothers me that 33% of my traffic comes from the boston home for self-taught synaesthetes.  sometimes i get so low that i want to stop blogging.  i don't because i feel that by continuing to blog i am serving some kind of useful purpose i.e. giving synaesthetes something to jerk off to other than the slightly ripe smelling remnants of your child's diaper.

like you i'm sickened by the idea of the physical gymnastics involved in the masturbation fantasies of synaesthetes.

though i doubt you worry, it should bother you that there is an industry attempting to turn the entire world into a bunch of masturbating synaesthetes.

i know what you are saying, "it's just a fad.  it will go away." that's because you don't see patterns the way i do.  if it weren't for me you would have probably never heard of the idea that one day we will be masturbating self taught synaesthetes.

if you don't know what "that" means i can only tell you (from my careful journalistic practices) that it will mean soon when you "think" about the color blue you won't see the color blue.  instead it will just "feel" like miley cyrus' little sister lapped danced against  in some sinister kiddie stripper imitation (and the fact that you will enjoy it makes me want to puke all over you.)

and you won't be against that kind of "thing" anymore since all of your senses are melding together and your sense of smell is tied up into your penis which just brings us back to you stealing little girl's underwear.

i'm mad at you boston area residents that visit my site.

it "bothers me" that you steal little girls underwear.  it bothers me that you beat off to it in mental institutions. you are so successful in life.  you are getting exactly what you want, and i am a giant failure of a human being who can't seem to stop the flood of synaesthesia addicts flooding schools and the internet.

worse i can't seem to type words in an order that makes people want to read them.  and by read my words, i mean i can't put forth anything so compelling, that it forces people to tell their friends who could get me book deals, to give me book deals.

in fact i have trouble gaining followers on blogger or twitter.  mostly people tell me to stop writing so much about the epidemic of synaesthetes and it's subtle influence on  kiddie porn.

i guess people just don't want to read the truth, or imagine the types of people who steal child's underthings to masturbate while attempting to teach their brains that yellow = 4.

but i'm not gonna stop covering this huge story just because your imagination is somehow too constrained to confront the truth.  maybe one day i will be rewarded for my heroic journalism, but i doubt it.  the synaesthetes are taking over the world and i'm down to 30 hits a day on this blog.  soon enough there won't be  a damn person reading this blog and i will be typing all this for those that survive the coming holocaust.

a holocaust of child panty sniffing by self taught synaesthetes the likes of which the world has never seen.

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