Sickness unto death: or when the cure is worse than the disease

drinking in the middle of the day is fun.  you should try it sometime unless your idea of fun is doing crossword puzzles or making afghans for your church group.

drinking during the day feels sneaky.  the way looking up a girl's skirt when she bends to place her bike on the bus rack makes you feel dirty until she sits down on the curb in her tiny shirt-dress and lights up a smoke and stairs straight out at you and stretches out her tanned legs and allows the breeze to blow up her skirt giving you a peek at her undies.  then you feel less creepy than the girl flashing you in the shirt dress.

girls and shirt dresses  maybe the second best thing about summer.  the first must be sangria wine.  even if that sangria has been sitting in your refrigerator for 3 days with the cap slightly unscrewed.  the sangria still has enough carbonation to taste fresh and fruity.   i guess boone's knows what they are doing.

i'm gonna drink a lot of stuff other than beer tonight.  i am thinking TILT malt liquor again.  12% beast of an alcoholic drink.  maybe i will get real loaded before i go to the lucky devil and order a few 45 cent wings.  the lucky devil makes great wings/you'd never guess they make decent cuisine here on account of the cockroaches and general lackadaisicaliness of the  employees (sometimes you order a dozen wings and they don';t get made but the bartender is sweating so much that you decide not to ask him to turn on the fryer) also the disturbing clientele would suggest you will be served food that a trucker would belch at eating.

but you'd be wrong.  of course you are always wrong about most things.  other than green pant suits are in style again and honda accords make wonderfully dependent automobiles.

back to me getting drunk

i'm thinking about getting a few of those caffeinated chewing gum and drinking a few TILTS and when sufficiently buzzed then getting my beer on.    

what about you guys?  does beer do it anymore?  don't you need to drink the hard stuff, wine, or lace your weed with something to get off to it anymore?

i wished i had something dangerous like angel dust.  i'd do it! i would.

i don't think i need friends.  i shun contact.  it's like i already know you are going to bore the fuck out of me.  i know i look ridiculous to you but thats because you only see me one-sided.  like the 17 year old courtesy clerks that tells me that he is smarter than me. i called the dumpy motherfucker half-way smart (trying like i always do to make you feel better) and he looked at me "like what does that make you?"

that little whiney bitch ain't even heard of Hegel, so "why should i even give a fuck?"  you ask.  well i am getting dumber by the minute and all these fuckers are climbing on my back.  the fucktards are gaining on me.  i'm losing anther race.  i'm gonna have to keep lowering me expectations until i'm running around with crackheads and homeless people bragging that my razor blade still works.  "i'll cut your fucking throat with it too!"

i'm confused.  i kinda want to hang out, but mostly i want to drink and feel the release of my shit as it slips past my plastic undergarments and having you nearby reminds me that i'm not supposed to wearing plastic undergarments yet.

it's a miracle you pass yourself off as normal.  course all you "norms" are full of shit.  most of you so fucked up in your own heads, so full of delusional thinking, so looking at the world through your rose colored glasses, that you shun me for the very fact that i let you get a peak at the real world.  i burst through your moronic thinking like water buffalo's turd through my colostomy bag.

i was gonna keep this shit short so that you new readers would take a chance and read something.  but lets face it.  who gives a fuck?

what did we learn today?

1. distraction allows us to forget that we human
2. it's only "OK" to live in distraction if you have first demonstrated that you are conscious that you are living in  despair
3. distraction can be necessary when we are having trouble living in resignation 
4. you have always been in despair
5. once you know you are in despair, you will always be in despair
6. despair is a structural component of human life
7. you can pretend to be happy while in despair
8. some of you are unaware that you are in despair -but you  are still in despair
9. despair is not something you choose
10. you cannot leave despair
11. are you happy?  do you disagree that you have ever tasted despair?  then you are not fully human.  you have no self.  you may get to die that way.  as unconscious as a shell fish.