If you come up at me "rapping" about how you're a "grandma" and you "want to fuck me" I might ask you to remove your saggy tits from my shoulder

Last night I got a call from j-dog.  I hung out with him at the "Lucky Devil" and nearly got laid.  I met a nerdy girl who just turned 21, and I bought her a shot.  She ordered the most expensive tequila in the bar.  I guess I should have figured.  Her shot almost cost me more that the 3 small pitchers of bud light I was nursing that evening.

It was okay though.  It was her birthday and I am on my quest to date a nerd girl.

While we waited for her shot she told me she was ex-Mormon.  She said she started drinking when she was 14. Then she told me she could drink me under the table.

"Because I'm a shot girl.  I only do shots."

I told her once I got under the table, "I was a trouble making troll."  Then I told her about my affection for alliteration and she was like, "I'm good at math."

Her parents kicked her out of the church because they thought she was a lesbian.

"Well."  I thought.  "You aren't married and 21."  I told her.  "And you have short hair.  That pretty much makes you a lesbian in the Mormon church."

She agreed.  But she did not apologize for her short hair.

She had some funky glasses that hid her face well.  I think that was a good thing as there may have been some cross-eyes, or Mormon inbreeding going on there.

Still she was intelligent and spoke of jokes about 8 year old boys and the pope and so that caught my attention.

But her cock blocking friends were going to have nothing to do with her talking to me.  They all walked up and dragged her off, only for her to come back a few minutes later and sit down with me.  We talked for like another 20 minutes and just when you thought I could have asked for her number her friends drag her off a second time.

In my youth I would have drank a few beers and waited for her to come back around, or walked outside to get her number, but I am way too old for all that now.  Also, it occurred to me that she was only 21.  Other than molestation, I can't think what to do with a 21 year old girl.  So I bid her adieu and walked home.

Other things that happened that night.

J-dog and I talked cell phones.  J-dog is an interesting cat.  He is the only person I feel comfortable calling me "bro."  He saw me texting and had the best line of the night when he told me to "put that slow phone away"  Okay.  Maybe not the best line of the night.  But I now can't wait for August 20th.  I am getting me an Epic 4g.  No matter what.  If I have to sell everything I own.  I will do it!*

*Not that I have any interested buyers on the enV3 I put up for sell on craigslist.*

Other things that have nothing to do with cell phones.

J-dog's brother got arrested for punching his girlfriend.  Somehow I was made to feel sorry for J-dogs brother.  I guess his girl did not want to press charges, but one of the neighbors saw the punch and called the cops.  The guy is on parole, so it could be messed up for him.  J-dog is afraid his brother is going back to jail for a long ass stint.

The brother went to jail for stealing a million dollars from an old woman.  But it wasn't like he wasn't taking care of the old gal while he was milking her.  He used some of the money he stole for her, and apparently she did not want to press charges against him.

J-dog told me about how his parents spent a hundred grand on lawyers as he sipped from a 20 ounce Whataburger cup full of Jagermeister.

His brother's situation sounds a lot like the girl I felt up 20 years ago in a bar.  I reached up and ran my hand real slow like up her skirt till she turned around and was like, "Hey!  What the FUCK!"

I was like, "Took ya a while to say something."

Her friends looked over at me in disbelief.  But then I got confirmation from the girl.

"I had my hand there for a while, right?"  She let me play with her thigh.  This only emboldened me and I went for the panties.

She nodded at me but was like, "You took it too far."

I guess it was the finger in the panties then?

Fair enough.

Another thing.  The grandma rapper was real.  A sweet 41 year old grandma.  She rapped during the DJ show.  She kept telling me her tits were on me.  I kept thinking "Does that mean you have droopy tits? or are you into me?"

Well she wanted to fuck me.  That's the third woman in the past month I turned down.  So I guess me not get laid is all about me being choosy.  But without a car I can't go back to her place and then never call her again.  She might drop me off at home and then she'd know where I lived.  And crazy-rappin' black grandmas is something you don't take lightly.

I was gonna buy a crap load of drugs from some of the people I met to celebrate my vacation.  But circumstances came up and I was unable to consummate the deal  Also, I am down to 100 dollars in my account.  I can't see me buying drugs and eating out, going to the bookstore and buying a new phone anytime soon.  Even if I start donating plasma at 50 dollars a pop.

I let you know if I am healthy enough to donate plasma.  Also, if I have AIDS or some other blood disease when the tests come back.

An open letter to Verizon Wireless.

The rumor that BIG RED is EVIL is true

There is a rumor floating around the internet that Verizon is going to go to a tiered internet pricing plan for their smart phones.

I can't tell you how upset I am about this.

Q. Why the hell would anyone buy a smart phone if they can't use the damn thing like a smart phone?

A.  They bought an i-phone.

Sorry about that Apple fanboys.  It's not my i-fault.

Reasons I am quitting THE EVIL BIG RED soon.  

Verizon's vaunted network is slow.
Verizon makes its subscribers pay a premium for access to their network on the idea that they don't drop calls and that they deliver a great online experience.

I guess that's why I pay 30 dollars a month to get internet on an Env3.  The Env isn't even a smart phone, but I still get charged like it is.  My Env3 struggles loading content from Verizon's V-Cast.  I'm forced to sit through the machine "buffering" multiple times during most any video I watch.  the web on Verizon is horrible.  It's like I'm holding an i-phone 4 with my hand in some kind of death grip.

Verizon is about to pull a bait and switch.

 I am a premium subscriber who throws his money away on Verizon by paying for crap like V-Cast, unlimited internet, and Verizon's crappy Navigation service.

Verizon forces you to buy the "all you can eat internet" because the only other plan they offer is 10 bucks for 25 mb.  25 mb is shit.  25 mb is like looking at your homepage twice.

I thought I was the kind of customer that Verizon wanted.  A subscriber who buys all the premium services they offer.  But I am not.  The kind of customer Verizon wants is the customer who pays for things, but does not use them.

Verizon.  Why did you get angry when you offer a service like unlimited internet on 3g and then notice that people actually use it?  Let me give you some advice.  Try to think of a buisnes plan that does not involve hoping customers pay for a service, but then choose not to use it.

You are not LA Fitness.  LA Fitness runs a shady business   that hopes you are fat and plan to stay lazy.  They hope you don't want to work out.  They wan't you to sign up and forget about the services you are paying for.

They are shitty company.

Your plan won't work because you provide a service even fat people want to use.

Why didn't you foresee what it would cost to provide your network to people and then charge them for it?  Was that too hard?  Is the price prohibitive?  Then why offer data plans in the first place?  Why go after manufactures and push them to create monster phones with dual core processors?

It's because people don't talk on your networks anymore?  And people who don't use their voice minutes don't want to pay for your overpriced calling plans.

So you play your version of the bait and switch game and charge 20 bucks for texting, even though your cost to send a text is basically free.

Why not follow Virgin mobile and do things like 25 dollar all you can text with only 300 minutes?   Kids eat that shit up.

Why Verizon is evil.

Verizon has the same business plan that your drug dealer has.

First,  get us hooked on unlimited DATA.

Then you pair the unlimited DATA with one of the Incredible Droid smart phones in your line up.  Then you wait for us to go over the modest limits you will set up so you can stick us with massive overcharges for the extra GB's.

(Sounds like what you guys used to do with voice minutes.)

Additional rant about why vErizon is evil.

Your decision to go with tiered data is pushing us back to 1991.  AOL and the $4.oo a minute internet internet pricing was the thing that kept the masses from getting online.  I hated 1991.  Do you remember anything cool about 1991?  That's because there wasn't anything.

All you can eat data is what brought the internet to the forefront of media world.  Going backwards will only cripple technology and the progress of mobile phones.  I want my quad core 2ghtz 2 gb of ram phone dammit!

You are EVIL. So very Evil.

Quit being EVIL.