Monday, March 08, 2010

Self Help for parents: My day off visiting babies, eating lunch, and hanging out at the mall

I bet you were wondering when I was going to make this blog a little more personal.  You know, tell you all about the little things I do.  Like when I go shopping, or when I go visit a friend and his newborn baby.

Babies are weird and don't speak English.  Not that I hold that against babies.  I blame the parents.  Personally, I would teach my child English right away, or at least some sign language because all that crying "traditional" children do to get your attention can be a bit annoying.

Don't get me wrong though.  I like kids.  And kids like me.  Wherever I go, kids walk up to me and start asking me questions.  Though sometimes they just stare at me like I am some kind of deformed freak or clown.

I'm pretty normal looking so there really is no reason for kids to take such an interest in me.  I imagine they just recognize a certain kinship in me they don't find in other adults.

What are the similarities I have with kids you ask?  Just like your kid I take funny colored poops.  Because of my medical conditions I find that when I get bored of holding your kids we have something to talk about.

I am also very trust worthy, so kids like to share their fears with me.  One of the most common questions kids ask me is "if they will always poop green."

I tell them, "it all depends on how much wine you drink."

Your kids usually respond by going all TMI and revealing, "How much Mommy and daddy drink."  I try and assuage their green poop fears by telling them that "you have to drink much more than Mommy does," except of course "how much she drank when she was pregnant with you."

The kids are usually satisfied with my answer.  Kids will take whatever answer you give them as long as you look them in the eye and pretend to really mean what you are saying.

That's the trick you parents forget.  Parents are so overwhelmed by their children asking them questions all day that they tend to go into a dazed "ya whatever" eye roll whenever their kid asks them a question.

I have a feeling ignoring your child will only bring out more attention seeking behaviors from them.  I suggest that you wake up with your kid ala Michael Jackson (who really knew what he was doing) and spend a good 20 minutes in bed with them answering their questions and focusing intently on whatever they think of.

My suggestion may or may not work, but if it does not...then your child just needs more attention.  And you should give it to them.  Remember my advice to look them in the eye whenever you answer one of their questions.

Also, make your kids pancakes for breakfast, because kids like pancakes and they adore the parent that makes them pancakes most.  Kids are just like pets and you can use the same tricks you use on your animals to make them love you more than your spouse.

Now I know some of you are going to say (with a touch of horror in your throats) that you would never want to one of your children to love you more that your spouse.  But we both know that is a bunch of bullshit.

Once you admit your unconscious feelings out loud then you can deal with them.  They become something you can control rationally, and I take that to be an improvement for you.  Even if all your impulses hedge towards the anti-social by being a bit selfish.

Now you might object to some of the things I am suggesting by saying that "telling kids whatever they want to hear or making up crazy stories about why things are the way they are" will only get them in trouble in the long run.

You are wrong.  The world has a way of showing people that 2+2=4.  Your kids will be okay.  When they reach tweenhood they will be out in the big wide world where they will run up against all the naysayers who will tell them that pooping green in diapers at 14 is abnormal.

Worse case scenario?  A 14 year old who poops in diapers, but never asks annoying questions to you when you are looking for your debit card at the grocery store.

Your Welcome.

Now I am off to take a shower.  Wipe away the green poop from my butt and visit the baby.  Where I will give my advice and it will not be listened to.  That damn baby does not speak English yet, and gets upset when it poops yellow in his diaper.  But what can you say?  Nobody ever listens to me.  Nobody ever looks me in the eye to explain things to me.

After the shower and baby visit I get to have lunch.  I have no idea where lunch will be.  I hope some place good.  I hope I don't have to eat Chinamen food.  As I hate bamboo shoots and roots.  Also, I don't think chicken should be covered in orange tang and smothered under rice.  But what would I know?  I am just a humble, middle class aspiring, handsome, sunny, forward-looking kind-of-guy, out here looking for fun and a Big Mac.


Romius T.

p.s.  Don't forget I am single ladies!


Steph said...


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