Is E is the last word?

I'm trying something new.

I'm gonna try out the more conversational style I was telling you about as the normal mode of conversation I have here with you.

I don't know how much longer I am going to make this blog public.

I have come to that partial decision as a result of re-reading some of the things I have posted here in the past.

I know I give you guys shit about how I have only 5 readers and how this blog never grows despite the fact that I have been blogging for more that 6 years.  I shouldn't have done so.  After reading my backlog I know why I am not popular.

My ability is not going to make this blog popular/ (or good.)  So, I feel the least I can do is save myself some dignity and  hide this blog from the general public.

(When) I decide to take this blog private I will issue a few invites to the readership.

If you really like this blog (there are about 10 of you) you will get an invite.

On the other hand,  if you just want to keep up with this blog because you are bored I would let you.  I don't plan on denying any "would-be" reader.

The reason I am going private is that I am not a good writer.

Also.  I may never be.

That reality does not sway me from writing.  I love writing.  I like expressing myself.  And some small part of me actually wants to share some of the shit I come up with an audience.

I am not a megalomaniac, so I don't need lots of affection or attention.  Not that I would mind it.  I am just like anyone else with that kind of thing.

I am not some kind of super hero.  

I know my life is not like my day dreams.  That's okay.  My day dreams are almost too good.  I could live in them for 98% of the day.  And I do, so it's not like I really need any blog to keep me going.

I think I have allowed too much of my self esteem to come from the 3 comments that I get from you guys.

I need to do something about that.

(But I am not sure what that is.)

Turn my life around?

I don't have enough internal resources to do much about turning my life around.  So I am not too sure that I can do.

I want to get better at writing.

I need to take a hard look at my writing and practice and re-write most of what I have written on this blog in order to get a better handle on my strengths and weaknesses.

I want to reiterate something.

I know this writing "thing" is not going anywhere.  I have no delusions.

It does make me sad though.

I wished I could communicate some of the things I feel to you a lot better than I do.  I'd like you to feel what I feel.  I want you to know what I know.

But it's not working.   And you what I say is true.

Time should teach us lessons.

But it never does for me.

Mostly time just adds up.  Piling up, year after year, like dirty laundry.

(The thing about laundry is that there is a simple solution.)

Wash it!

Maybe I am just drunk.

Maybe I am just feeling vulnerable, and I need a connection with someone.

It's hard for me to admit that I need someone.  I'm not built to admit things like that.

I was built to be alone.

So I am okay with being alone.

If you visit this site a lot, I'm sorry.  I feel like I've let you down.

I know there are a few of you guys who visit hundreds of times without ever leaving a comment, or anything.

I think you saw something here that may not actually be here.

To be honest I have no idea why you kept coming back.  But I thank you.  You kept me writing for years.

I don't want to say I am giving up on life.

Maybe I am going to take another route.

I will tell you if I do.

But like I said I don't like joining, so the thought of becoming "something" whatever it is, is not something I am about.

The most likely effect of my stopping the public blogging is of course...nothing.

I know I might be projecting how I feel on to some of you, and the truth is there are almost no readers here, so it makes little sense to even broach the subject with you.

The fact is I feel a little silly even telling you all this.

But if there is just one of you who cares it would hurt me to say "fuck off" to you.

I've been thinking how I will handle this for a long time.

I think I might just take a weeks between posts.  And post a lot after I have written something I think is good.

If you are like me you feel the cop/out in all this.

The truth is I just wanna start taking Ecstasy and forget about the world.

That's what I want.

The few times I have taken E. I have discovered: the connection, warmth, and empathy that I lack in real world.

I know E is fake.

All you do is sit on the couch with your friends touching fingers.

But when I take E I get all the "feelings" you take for granted.

I know it destroys brain cells.

But let's face it. I have not been using those brain cells for anything.

I am not the person you think I am.

(So many of you think I am a professional who feels the blue collar worker.  I am not.)

I really do work for 10 dollars an hour.

I really am the kind of idiot that passes up a 2 dollar an hour raise, because he thinks he can't handle the pressure.

I am a fuck up.  I am failure.  And it really pains me to believe that, (not just say it)  like some kind of joke.

I'm almost 40.

Folks.

It's not going to happen for me.

(I wanted it so much. and maybe I was a fool for thinking so.)

Maybe my Momma shouldn't have told me I was so special so much when I was a kid.

She told it to me so often, I BELIEVED it.

Whenever I think about the love my mother gave me when I was little I can't help but remember how I dominated the basketball court when I was in 8th grade, or how I was reading ahead of the 5th graders in 1st grade.

I thought shit was gonna be that easy for the rest of my life, and I never prepared myself for the hard work that life is all about.  Ironic.  I see so many people live the hard life every day at my job.

I think I know the "hard" life.   I saw my parents try and get through.

I do have some empathy.

I feel it when I look into the weary eyes of my customers.

My heart bumps forcibly in my chest for the guy running too late to catch the bus.

(He knocks furiously on the window, but the driver keeps going.)

It's funny.

I'm not broken, but I may not be fixable.

So there you go.