Monday, March 31, 2008

Dear Tiffany, quit hawking your 100 calorie cookies at me. Do the elves own you or what...I bet you gotta midget fetish, you freak!

I feel like a piggie. I am scarfing down new Keebler Fudge shoppe fudge filled cookies, even though one cookie has 25% of the daily recommended saturated fat in it.

My belly is fat because my store had pork chops on sale for 97 cents a pound. I bought two big packages and they each cost me only $2.24. I can live off all that pork for days. I e-mailed a friend telling her that I made 4 cheese mashed potatoes from the dehydrated box and a salad ( I eat healthy bitches) but I am afraid her food snobbery will crush our budding friendship when she reads it.

That would suck because soon I am going to be pretty. I am going on a diet and I will stop eating cookies. I am only eating the cookies today because I need something to wash down all the fat free milk I am drinking.

I feel I need to reinforce the idea to you that I am now on a diet. I gave up drinking soda. No more coke or R/C at home anymore. I just bought a huge 1 gallon pitcher and I am drinking decaffeinated ice tea from 20 ounce plastic cups. I've been meaning to lose weight for a while, but I was too cheap to buy a new pitcher for my ice tea. I am worried about drinking so much decaf ice tea though. How will my body know to get rid of all the liquid I am drinking without caffeine as a diuretic?

My dishwasher doesn't work, and I don't trust hand washing items to drink out of. I guess I'll just add buying a new pitcher every week to go along with all my plastic cups, sporks, and paper plates. I spend 12% of my disposable income on throw away table wear, but who are you to judge me? Your boyfriend fake orgasms, and that quilt your sister made you for Christmas was 15.99 at Costco. Your such an idiot. I can't believe you fooled yourself into thinking she took all that time to make it for you. Your sister can't sew. And nobody realized until the last second that you were going to make it up for the holidays this year. So your sister got the last straw and bundled up to face the bitter cold. She headed over to Costco and she grabbed the first thing she saw, a quilt, because it was cold out and she thought if you had car trouble she could keep the quilt because your Dad never turns on the heat.

But then you had to make such a production about how your sister must have put the quilt together that your sister and your mom let you believe that she is America's newest quilting sensation. And yes that means she throws away the all those antique quilting magazines you bought her for Valentine's Day. She hated the basket you sent her because she felt like all you were doing was just asking her for more quilts and she wants you to stop taking advantage of her emotions just because her womb works and she's got kids and you might was well be dried up and eggless like granny because there is no way in hell you are ready for the RESPONSIBILITY of kids like her.

Nobody bought you presents because your family assumed you would be spending Christmas huddled around your boyfriend's house sucking up to your maybe one day (go ahead keep telling yourself that) future mother-in-law who hates youfor being the person who stole her little boys penis. Now I am as disgusted by your mother in law's unnatural affection for your boyfriend's penis as you are, but that's because I want to hide my penis in there too. I heard you like double stuffing from your roommate.

[I can't believe my luck in finding the video that accompanies this post. After I wrote the post I was looking for pictures of the cookies I was eating and popped sweet tiffany. I want to marry sweet tiffany. I think she hates me though, she just doesn't get my sense of humor. If the right video is not playing click here.] She even quilts I viewed her profile and I must tell you I had no idea when I wrote that I am just spot on though!! OMG!! I can't get the video to play in blogger for some reason so you will just have to click on it.


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Why must you shatter my illusions?

Romius T. said...

its my job monkey man. I must.