Face it. A lot of you are just like me. Addicted to the Internet. I know I should quit surfing the net so much. But I am pretty sure I should also workout more, eat less fast food, and get a job. But I can't. And I'd like to blame social sites like Myspace and Digg and Blogger. Why is the Internet trying to kill me? I'll tell you.
Top 10 Reasons why my addictions to Digg/Myspace/Blogger are killing me.
1. Other than blogs, I don't read anymore.
At least not books anymore. I used to read one non-fiction and one fiction book a week on average. Ever since I got addicted to the Internet I've stopped immersing myself in the world of books.
Instead I just browse your blog and leave witty comments hoping you will link me in your blogroll. It's the second fastest way to getting famous in the 21st century. Assuming you don't have a sex tape or a gun.
2. My attention span is shorter than Dick Cheney's penis.
I can't read anything for more than a minute. And I can't stand thinking in more than 30 second sound bites. Techno wieners call it blurbing. I must have at least 400 websites favorited to my computer. If I get bored for a second on any site, I simply move on to the next one. By now most of you have already done that too. Because this list is boring.
3. I might be going blind by staring at my computer screen.
If I am not going blind, then the radiation that my Commodore 64 is leaking out at me is probably keeping my sperm count low. But I am pretty sure staring at the computer screen all day is bad for your eyes. Of course I was able to discover this fact only due to Internet surfing. Ironic, no?
4. My sleeping pattern had been destroyed.
I can't remember the lat time I went to bed at a normal time. The pale blue glow from my video screen fucks with my circadian rhythms. I spend countless hours away from the computer, dreaming of getting to the computer.
5. MySpace can't get me laid. I haven't gotten laid in 2 years.
Yahoo chat rooms have been taken over by chat robots. There was a time when I got laid almost every weekend by simplifying logging into my local chat room and typing, "Who's horny? Lol."
So all the Yahoo chatters have gone MySpacing. If you fuck me on MySpace then the whole world knows you went donkey fucking.
6. Digg has made me a conspiracy theorist.
Read enough news stories about Google listening in on you through your computer and you will too. P.S. Turn off your Video Camera.
7. Blogger had made me think I am a writer.
A writer with goals who can accomplish something. Like get famous. Or make money. Writing in this blog has about as much chance as making me famous as reading the SECRET will. None.
The last time I had any ambition I was back in the 8th grade, but until blogger at least I understood this. Blogging makes me think my day dream of becoming famous and rich by doing nothing other than being myself has a chance to become true. Blogger is a liar.
8. My happiness is directly correlated to my blog's stats.
When Blogstats tells me 500 people have visited by site I am euphoric. But that has happened only once. Since then checking my BlogStats has only been a daily reminder of my failure in life.
9. I got fired for blogging once.
But I didnt get popular like Dooce. Or famous like an airline stewardess. Maybe it's because I don't have great legs. Or maybe it's because I am an Atheist who doesn't believe in Karma. Either way all blogging has ever done for me is make me poorer than a Kenyan.
10. I couldn't think of 10 things.
So Digg me. Get me famous. I have 10 loyal readers and one of you has a profile on digg. You know what to do.